It’s been a long winter; I’m trudging through campus, freezing and dreading every time I have to walk to the fourth floor of the Edmund A. Walsh Building. Mentally, however, I’m in Turks and Caicos, partying it up with a robotic cone named Lana. That’s right; if you’re like me, you’ve been watching the new season of “Too Hot to Handle” (THTH), and all I can think about is, “What if I got to cast the show with all my favorite celebrities?” Thus, I give you my fan cast of “Too Hot to Handle: Celebrity Edition.”
Disclaimer: I do not care if they are in a relationship. This is for my own personal entertainment.
Starting off with a great one and my personal middle school crush. He may have a wife, but if there’s anything that screams THTH, it’s bringing on a Canadian cast member and pretending they’re exotic. Plus, Justin went through a big playboy phase, and maybe we’d get to see this side of him on the show. He can talk about his past mistakes and form real connections by talking about his troubles with his previous relationship.
I don’t know about you, but I think Khloe deserves some THTH. After that clown of an ex-boyfriend clowned around again, Khloe is ready to let loose and break some hearts. “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami Pt. 2” anyone?? (except Kourtney isn’t there, and it’s in Turks and Caicos). She can dish about True, traumas and tea with her new beau while Lana reminds everyone that there’s no funny business allowed. Bible.
Will America’s TV villain win us over with his genuine personality? Everyone knows that Elordi, Aussie heartthrob, plays notorious asshole Nate Jacobs on Euphoria, but can he push himself to play his biggest role yet, his true self? Only time, and Lana, will tell.
Demi is the chaotic, nonbinary representation we, and Lana, need. Demi is known for not only their talent, but also their quirkiness. Will they cross the line and break some rules? Or will they scare potential partners off with ghost stories and alien abductions? Maybe “Met Him Last Night” has two meanings…
Am I simultaneously watching “Euphoria?” Obviously. But I do think Dominic would add some flare to this season, and he’d be a much better musician than Patrick. After breaking into singing as well as acting, Fike has earned a name for himself among Generation Z as an artist on the rise. Even better, how many times have we heard girls gawking at the guys with tattoos?? He and Justin may have to duke it out for this title, but the more drama the better.
Bella is our wildcard. She can “Shake It Up” on the season as a new player added on episode 4, breaking hearts and relationships alike. The OnlyFans record breaker knows no limits when it comes to getting what she wants, ranging from a New York Times bestselling book to a music career. Bella is more than just a talented woman, she’s also known for her whirlwind romances. Maybe she’ll even get engaged on the show as a THTH first?
Every season needs the awkward boy who ends up coupled with no one, and I’m sorry to say that I think that’s going to be Timmy. Not only does he remind me of Peter from season 2, but all I think about when I think about him is the video where he says if he were to be a movie genre, he would be “Sports Star! Swish!” Sure the teens of TikTok may fawn over him, but Timmy is definitely getting sent home on episode 7 for failing to create a deeper connection.
It’s not just the fact that Tana and Bella are exes that would make good TV, it’s that Tana knows how to market herself. Marrying Jake Paul in Vegas, getting her exes to tattoo her name all over them and launching her own drink line all help establish her wild, eccentric brand. She would be a sex-positive, fun-loving addition to the cast and could even be the reason Timmy comes out of his shell on the show. Wilder things have happened on THTH.