Our sweet love, Burnett’s. You’re there for the best of times. You’re there for the worst of times. You’re there for, and usually the cause of, the best of times that turn into the worst of times. For some strange reason (read: because of your low price), Hoyas love you. As the apt Marlene Cox and Lindsay Lee once commented, “Georgetown seems to be sponsored by Patagonia but powered by Burnett’s.” You are the wind beneath our wings, the source of all our stumbles– no. Burnett’s, you are our everything.
Oh, who are we kidding? Most of your drinks taste like a mix of turpentine and gasoline. And quite frankly, that’s a lot of bad drinks: including plain vodka, you currently have 30 flavors of vodka beverages on the market. The majority of these are sub-par! We aren’t sure if some of them are really even vodka. Sometimes we don’t know whether to drink them or to do acid-base testing with them. But that’s why we’re here. We at The Fourth Edition have compiled a “Rookie’s Guide to Burnett’s.” We’ll tell you which flavors to buy, which flavors to never lay eyes on, and how to make the best Burnett’s beverages. (Just remember, you are working with Burnett’s… don’t expect any miracles.)
1. Citrus – According to the Most Interesting Man in the World, “Normally I’d never touch a bottle of Burnett’s, but when I do, I drink Burnett’s Citrus.” If you want the most versatile Burnett’s flavor and the most bang for your buck, go for the citrus. Add it to lemonade, add it to orange juice or add it to iced tea. But for the classiest citrus beverage in town, try the Citrus Cooler. Add 1.5 oz (a shot) of Burnett’s Citrus with equal parts lemonade, cranberry juice, and club soda. Want to take it to another level? Garnish with a lemon wedge. It’s so tasty you’ll almost think you’re drinking Smirnoff.
2. Lime – Burnett’s Lime is a close second to it’s cousin, the aforementioned Citrus. Lime is actually almost as flexible as Citrus. In fact, we’d put it at number one, but Citrus sounds classier than Lime and we had to make a judgment somehow. Our favorite use of Burnett’s Lime is a secret recipe that we 4E-ers call the Fruit Fuzion. Take 1.5 oz of Burnett’s Lime and add equal parts of Strawberry Melon Fuze and sparkling limeade. So yummy, it’s practically sub-lime. (Get it? Lime?!) Note: please do not confuse this with Burnett’s Limeade. Yes. Burnett’s does make both. And yes, we think it’s stupid, too.
3. Pear – We know. Game changer. You thought we would go for Raspberry. At first, we thought we would too. But there’s just something about Burnett’s pear– dare we say a freshness?– that makes it so irresistible. We just love our PearBerry coolers: Add 1.5 oz of Burnett’s Pear to equal parts cranberry-raspberry juice and club soda. It’s fruity. It’s fresh. It’s fun. It will probably make you black out, so be careful.
1. Maple Syrup – Yes, Burnett’s makes a vodka that is flavored like Maple Syrup. No, you should never drink it. It is inexcusable. It is wrong. It is wretched. Don’t even look at it. If you need maple syrup that desperately, go to Vermont or Canada or something. Just whatever you do, don’t buy this liquor. EVER.
2. Grape – Don’t do it. If you haven’t already guessed, it doesn’t taste like grapes. It tastes like cough medicine gone bad. It tastes like the devil. It tastes like stale purple drank, just without the hallucinogenic effects. According to every Jesuit on Georgetown’s campus, “Burnett’s Grape is a sin and, if you drink it, God will spite you.” Don’t mess with God. Don’t drink Burnett’s Grape.
3. Hot Cinnamon – Ew. Just chew some Big Red gum instead. Your mouth will already be burning from the poor quality Burnett’s alcohol, so why would you want to intensify that burning with cinnamon? Remember that old Apple Jacks commercial where it would say “Cinnamon is dee winna, ‘mon”? Cinnamon is not dee winna, ‘mon. It is the loser. And you will be the loser, too. This may be a highly contended choice for “The Worst”, because some people just love this stuff, but I call the shots here (Get it? Shots?).
Stay responsible, Hoyas.
Photo edit: Lindsay Lee/The Hoya