As the holiday season draws near, Hoyas are gladly anticipating a break from their usual Leo’s meals—but at what cost? Here’s 4E’s rundown of the six types of relatives that we all just ~can’t wait~to reunite with over this Thanksgiving dinner…
1. The Interrogative Relationship Guru
“Do you have a boyfriend? That’s too bad! What about the cute boy in your Instagram post?”
First of all, Grandma, he’s gay. Undeterred, she offers up her very best date ideas from “back in the day” as you stifle your laughter at the thought of any MSBro at a drive-in theater. You wonder if the sort of “fine young men” she continually references even exist on the Hilltop.
2. The Millennial Wannabe
Lucky for you, this aunt’s midlife crisis seems to have perfectly aligned with your annual encounter. Having seen your Snapchat story from last Friday, she proposes a “girls’ night out” at Chi Di next weekend. You promptly delete your social media and apply to study abroad.
3. The Deadbeat
Maybe your college life isn’t as wholesome as your grandparents may think, but unlike this cousin, at least you’ll definitely most likely end up with a diploma. You decide that introducing him to your SFS friends might set his life back on track but quickly think better of it. Having him around will make you feel better about yourself when next semester’s club rejection season rolls around.
4. The Diehard Trump Supporter
Tattooed with the U.S. flag and shamelessly sporting a MAGA hat, this uncle finds a way to blame everything on the immigrants—even this year’s burnt turkey. You politely bear the brunt of his incessant rant until he spots the GU College Dems and H*yas For Choice stickers on your laptop, after which he avoids all interaction with you for the rest of the night. Success.
5. The Shy Guy
Exchanging forced pleasantries with this relative is even more uncomfortable than leading a tour group on Georgetown Day. As awkward as the conversation is, though, it’s just like the ICC: you can’t find a way out.
6. The Annual Alcoholic
This relative looks as tipsy as the Wisey’s rat before the turkey’s even carved. She must have mistaken Thanksgiving dinner for a late-night Epi gathering, but at least by tomorrow she’ll forget the night ever happened, and you can equally pretend that it never did.
We at 4E bestow our deepest sympathy and respect upon any Hoya that successful endures a conversation with three or more of these ~special~ relatives. On a serious note, we hope you all enjoy your well-deserved break from school and express thanks for all the family members who’ve supported you from afar (even those who fall under one of these categories)!
As you may have heard, Georgetown’s very own prodigal son is returning home to the Hilltop this week. And as cynical as we usually are here at 4E, this is actually a pretty cool thing. After all, since the events of the past year have forced us to acknowledge that Eric Trump, Steve Bannon, and Paul Manafort are technically alumni, we need to celebrate the Hoyas who didn’t collude with Russia have made a positive impact in the world now more than ever.
But as you prepare to camp outside Gaston to hear his speech, many of you who were born in the late-90s may be asking yourselves, “Who is Bill Clinton?” We know from eavesdropping on Blue and Gray tours that he certainly attended Georgetown, but is he really a Hoya? If he were a student today, would he regularly attend Jersey Night? Would he mourn the loss of Quick Pita? Would he post in the meme group? And more importantly, would his memes be dank? To try to answer some of these pressing questions, we here at 4E briefly skimmed carefully read and took diligent notes on Bill Clinton’s autobiography, My Life, and came to the following conclusion:
Bill Clinton is a true Hoya.
Take a look at our reasoning below:
1. He Loves Wisey’s
The Quote: “At Wisemiller’s Deli, just across Thirty-sixth Street from the Walsh building where I had most of my classes, I got coffee and two donuts for twenty cents every morning”
Our Analysis: Like all good Hoyas, Bill Clinton both loves Wisey’s and eats there way too much. He definitely would have voted for the Hot Chick/Chicken Madness ticket back in the infamous GUSA election of 2016, and is surely a strong supporter of our unofficial school mascot, The Wisey’s Rat™. So the next time you feel guilty about eating Wisey’s cookies for breakfast as you walk in 15 minutes late to your class on the fourth floor of Walsh because the elevator was taking forever, just remember that you will probably grow up to be the President of the United States.
2. He Never Leaves Campus
The Quote: “In my first two years, I rarely ventured beyond the confines of the University and its immediate surroundings”
Our Analysis: For a true Hoya, Burleith is as exotic as it gets. Yes, just like a vast majority of Hoyas, Bill Clinton fell victim to the Georgetown Bubble. And yes, we know D.C. is a world-class city full of renowned food, art, and culture, but the whole Metro system is confusing and not a lot of places take GoCard. True Hoyas stick to complaining about the lack of options at Leo’s and only venture beyond M street once a semester for Instagram-related purposes. Also “immediate surroundings” is definitely code for Chi Di. We’ll see you there on Thursday, Bill. Hopefully you have a good ID though, they’ve been pretty tough this year.
The Quote: “My most memorable class sophomore year was Professor Walter Giles’s U.S. Constitution and Government… By the time I got to his class I had embraced my lifelong affinity for sleep deprivation and had developed the sometimes embarrassing habit of falling asleep for five or ten minutes of class”
Our Analysis: Same, Bill Clinton. Same. Does it even qualify as a Georgetown class if more than half its students are awake at any given time? Whether it’s in a lecture hall, on Healy Lawn, or in the middle of a professor’s office hours (it happened once), falling asleep at inappropriate times is what we Hoyas do best. Honestly, Bill Clinton, props for doing this well in an era before you could try to stay awake by scrolling through memes on Facebook while the professor thinks you’re taking notes. Side note to any of my professors who accidentally clicked on this article: I love your class! Keep up the good work!
4. He Has a Capitol Hill Internship
The Quote: On interning for Arkansas Senator William Fulbright, “It was easy to fit the job into my daily schedule, partly because in junior year only five courses were required instead of six, partly because some classes started as early as 7 a.m.”
Our Analysis: If you hadn’t already guessed, Bill Clinton was in the SFS. This quote confirms it. I can practically hear this quote telling me he’s a STIA major and that he has to go study for MAP. Even today, when Bill Clinton meets new people, I guarantee you that he finds some way to mention the SFS. This guy is a Hoya.
5. He Loves The Tombs
The Quote: “My favorite haunts in Georgetown were the Tombs, a beer hall in a cellar beneath the 1789 restaurant, where most of the students went for beer and burgers”
Our Analysis: Bill Clinton’s Tombs Night was definitely lit. But not too lit, like where you had to call GERMS and the whole night was ruined. It was just the right level of lit, like where everybody danced to “In Da Club” by 50 Cent when the clock hit midnight, and then Bill Clinton got a great Instagram pic of his forehead being stamped by the Tombs bouncer. Every Hoya since John Carrol has made some of their greatest memories at the Tombs. Need we say more?
So there you have it: Bill Clinton is a Georgetown Hoya. Our diligent research has definitively proved it. We hope you all have fun accidentally falling asleep learning a lot at his speech on Monday- and huge props to the team over at #GUPolitics for making this happen! No disrespect to the time you got Martin O’Malley to play his guitar in McShain Lounge, but this is definitely much cooler than that.
Sources: My Life by Bill Clinton, Tombs.com, Facebook.com, giphy.com, Georgetowndc.com, georgetown.edu
As you sip a Natty at a crowded pregame or wait in line for ~another~ Epi Quesadilla, some of you upperclassmen out there might be pondering a timeless question. To help you find answers, we here at 4E have compiled a list of ten things that you can and can’t do after your freshman year. So pause for a moment and ask yourself…
Am I too old for this?
1) Taking a basic picture of Healy Hall. We all did this within our first days on the Hilltop, and, though we cringe at others for snapping the famed clocktower, most still look at Healy in awe.
Verdict: No, but expect some judgement.
2) Going to frat basement parties. Though I have gone on my fair share of SAE Foxfield buses or Zeta Psi booze cruises, frat parties feel increasingly more like events for freshman. Please let my days of partying in a suspiciously wet Sig Ep basement be over. I would take a Piano Bar night filled with only adults over this. Enough is enough. That being said, the frat boys and pledge bros are still wonderful.
Verdict: Probably yes, unless you are in a frat, in which case, please attend your own events.
3) Waiting in the Georgetown Cupcake line. I didn’t even do this as a freshman because WHO HAS THE TIME?? Waiting 40 minutes for a $4 cupcake with too much frosting is never worth it.
Verdict: Yes, go to Baked & Wired instead.
4) Attending Jersey Night or Thursday Chi Di. Does anyone care?
Verdict: see you all there!!!
5) Getting lost on campus. Our campus is literally 1/18 the size of a state school’s, so I’m pretty sure you should know every building after a few months. Specifically, I mean people struggling with Maguire. I don’t understand why this is the specific location no one can find. The Jesuits are judging you!
Verdict: Get a map. Then again, it’s totally fine if we’re talking about the ICC.
6) Drinking Burnett’s. Not everyone is too old for this, but I can say with some certainty, while nursing my current raging hangover, that I should be upgrading beyond the likes of Mango Burnett’s. I am only too old for this in the ~health~ way. Will I give it up? Likely not — I have a budget.
Verdict: Yes, but who cares?
7) Referencing the Georgetown meme page. Judging by my alumni friends who find the meme page hilarious, there’s no harm in still talking about a classic “Everyone from Georgetown lives in New Jersey or Connecticut”.
Verdict: No, keep tagging away.
8) Village A Rooftop Parties. Power to you if you get there before GUPD shuts it down. Nevertheless, it remains a classic spot on Homecoming and Georgetown Day.
Verdict: Yep… it’s never worth it to be honest.
9) Applying to clubs. While the process certainly becomes more cynical as you get older, you should join anything you want at any age. (I hear 4E accepts freshmen to seniors).
Verdict: No, college is about finding yourself and all that #wholesome.
10) ~Hanging out~ in a freshman dorm. Do you!!!!! Just be safe!!!!!!!!!
Yes, it’s sadly still midterm season, which means that you’re probably reading this article on Lau 2 while simultaneously crafting a last-minute email to your professor begging for an extension. But now it’s time for you to take a break from the stress and completely ignore all your responsibilities, because #HoyaHomecoming is officially upon us. In honor of the one day a year we can kind of act like a state school, we here at 4E have complied a helpful guide to make sure that your Homecoming experience is a success.
Remember: It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint
Look, we’ve all been there: You and 20 of your closest friends are crammed into a 12×15 foot dorm room. You’re looking ~fresh~ in your very original, one-of-a-kind, totally unique Georgetown basketball jersey. Your signature song (“Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira) is playing, and that cutie from your Econ class is definitely taking notice of your impressive dabbing ability. Needless to say, the pregame is ~lit~. And at some point, this level of “litness” will likely inspire you to “go all out” for #HoyaHomecoming and do one of the following: A) Take way too many shots of Fireball B) Take way too many shots of Lime Burnett’s or C) Chug an entire can of Four Loko.
As you consider your options, 4E is here to give you some friendly advice: DON’T DO IT. Under the florescent lights of that sweaty dorm room, we know it may seem like a good idea, but trust us, in a few hours, you will come to the painful realization that it was not. The key to a successful Homecoming is to pace yourself. Unlike a normal night out, you will be expected both to stay awake for more than four hours and to functionally interact with actual adults in a non-Piano-Bar-setting. Neither of those things will be possible if you achieve maximum “litness” at 9 a.m. And as you make your decisions about how much to drink throughout the rest of the day, just remember that while Homecoming may be temporary, Snapchat screenshots are forever.
Love Thy Neighbor.
If you remember anything from last year’s homecoming, you’ll remember that our neighbors literally hate us. And noise. And alcohol. And anything even remotely resembling fun. So despite the fact that they knew ~Georgetown~ University was located here when they made the decision to move to ~Georgetown~, they will not hesitate to call the feds S.N.A.P.S on us if they catch the slightest whiff of Burnett’s or hear even the faintest hint of “Mr. Brightside” coming from a townhouse. Unfortunately for many of our readers out there, what this means is that most of your upperclassman friends will probably not be cool with you and every other member of Darnall 5 crashing their party.
But don’t worry! Getting rejected from and/or getting kicked out of at least one party is basically a #HoyaHomecoming rite of passage. And there are still plenty of other fun ways for you to spend your day! You can wander aimlessly around the neighborhood and engage in some classic Georgetown traditions, such as sprinting away from GUPD cars, getting yelled at by old people who may or may not be John Kerry, and searching for half-empty cans of Natty that have been discarded on the street.
Back on campus, you can easily sneak into pay for a ticket to the tailgate on Regents lawn- here you can do some cool stuff like get a sunburn and make awkward small talk with alumni while you wait in the food line for 20 minutes. And of course, if all else fails, we’ll always have the Vil A rooftop. Nothing says #HoyaHomecoming quite like gazing out at that beautiful Arlington skyline as you watch your classmates come dangerously close to falling over the railing.
Water. Food. Rest. Repeat.
Remember what I said earlier about pacing yourself? I can already tell that you didn’t listen to me. Now you’re exhausted, your phone is dead, and you’re sitting on the floor of a New South bathroom, wondering where it all went wrong. You’ve managed to lose both your dignity and your GoCard- and it’s still only noon. Bet you don’t feel so “lit” anymore, huh? But don’t despair – 4E is here to save you! First, you need to walk/crawl to the nearest vending machine/sink/Dahlgren Fountain, and HYDRATE. You are in desperate need of H2O. Drink up.
Next, you need to eat something that will help counteract the consequences of that last Natty you ~regrettably~ decided to shotgun. If you can’t talk your way back into the tailgate to acquire some free pizza, we recommend you stick with what you know and head on over to Wisey’s. After all, the best Chicken Madnesses are the ones you don’t remember eating.
Finally, your phone isn’t the only thing that needs to recharge. Whether it’s in your own bed or in the middle of Healy Lawn, you need to take a power nap. Find a spot, tell a friend to wake you up in an hour and pass out. Don’t worry, the Vil A rooftop isn’t going anywhere. There will be plenty more opportunities to embarrass yourself when you wake up.
As a distinguished member of the class of ‘85 drunkenly yelled at me during Homecoming last year once told me, college is the best four years of your life. I know this may not seem true as you stress-cry while writing a paper on Lau 2 at 4 a.m., but Homecoming gives you the perfect opportunity to rediscover why you first fell in love with Georgetown all those year(s) ago. So don’t be afraid to belt out the (probably wrong) lyrics to the fight song when someone inevitably starts up a bad acapella rendition in the middle of a party. Don’t be afraid to make valuable future business connections new friends as you wait in line for food at the tailgate. Don’t be afraid to break your wrist from falling off of the John Carrol statue while trying to take that perfect #HoyaHomecoming Instagram.
Because we here at 4E want to let you in on a secret: our sources can confirm that the real world is a scary place. Apparently, once you turn 23, it is suddenly no longer acceptable to sleep until 2 p.m. every day, or eat chicken fingers for every meal, or religiously attend an event called “Jersey Night” every Wednesday. And so, my fellow students, be sure to enjoy every moment of your time here on the Hilltop. And to all the alumni out there reading this guide with a mix of shock, nostalgia, and anticipation, we leave you with the immortal words of Saint John Thompson Jr: “If I can’t go to Heaven, take me back to Georgetown.”
See you soon, and Hoya Saxa.
P.S: Please actually make good choices! And remember that GERMS can always be reached at 202-687-4357.
It’s that time of year again. No, not the time to start getting ready for darties, freaking out about that perfect outfit for spring break or stressing out about midterms. It’s something even more important than that!
It’s the 2017 GUSA election!
Even though it seems like every year the election sneaks up on us, it’s important that we are aware of each campaign’s platform. So in true 4E fashion, we have prepared the perfect drinking game for tonight’s presidential debate.
The presidential debate begins tonight, February 20th, at 7:30 p.m. in the HFSC. Let’s learn more about our candidates and have a libation in our hand at the same time (for 21+ students only). Stay classy and drink responsibly.
Take a small swig…every time a candidate or a question uses the following word(s):
The 36 questions are broken down into three parts. As you complete each section, the questions will get more and more intimate. If at any point in the in the questionnaire you feel uncomfortable, you may cease and desist. If this is your decision, we at 4E ask that you leave your partner without any notice in order to ensure that you two will avoid eye contact if you ever just so happen to be crossing Healy Lawn at the same time ever again.
Why not ask that special someone to a coffee date, a romantic night at Domino’s Pizza or a stroll to the benches in front of Dahlgren Chapel, just to set the mood? Take a chance on love and ask them these 36 questions. After all, love doesn’t just happen; it’s a choice.
*Disclaimer: 4E is not responsible for any unsuccessful love stories, as this is not a scientific study backed by any supporting evidence. However, we will take full credit if you do find love using our methods. We welcome you to send all complaints and/or suggestions to [email protected]*
Given the choice of any person in the world, who would you like to be your “Problem of God” professor?
Would you like to be Georgetown famous? In like a “mentioned on Georgetown Confessions” way? Or maybe in a “God, can you believe he wrote a confession about himself?” kind of way?
Before putting in your order at the pasta line at Leo’s, do you ever rehearse what you’ll say to the jolly employee?
When did you last “accidentally” order two quesadillas at Epi for yourself?
If you make it big in the real world, what will be the first thing you give to Georgetown’s campus that it so desperately needs?
Do you have a secret hunch about why Rhino closed despite it’s undeniable earning power among Hoyas both above and underage?
On the count of three, name your go-to Wisey’s order.
What flavor of Burnett’s are you most grateful for?
If you could change anything about your time on the Hilltop, what would it be?
Take 90 seconds to tell your partner how Quick Pita positively impacted your life before its passing.
If you could wake up tomorrow with the power to change one thing permanently at Georgetown, what would it be? Part II
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, would you want to know if you’re working at Goldman Sachs, Deloitte or Teach for America?
Is there a place on campus you’ve dreamed of taking that special someone to for a long time? Why don’t you lead them to Reiss rooftop right now?
Without naming any clubs you finally got into, classes you aced or the number of chicken fingers you can down on Chicken Finger Thursday, what has been the greatest accomplishment of your Hoya existence?
What do you value more in a roommate: cleanliness or their number of housing points?
What is your most treasured memory that occurred after 11 p.m. on a Thursday night?
What is your most terrible memory that occurred after 11 p.m. on a Thursday night?
Knowing that graduation is looming, what is stopping you from going after the Hoya that got away?
What did/does your friendship with your freshman year roommate mean to you?
Has your love and affection for our men’s basketball team, despite the heartbreak inflicted, had a positive effect on your Georgetown experience?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive side effect of living in D.C. Share three items each.
How tight-knit was your freshman floor? Do you feel that your freshman year experience on Darnall 6 was happier than that of most other Hoyas?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how close are you with your dean? Part III
Make three “we” statements with your partner. For example, “We at this bench have both stolen rolls of toilet paper from Regents and smuggled them out under our Barbour jackets.”
Finish this sentence on the count of three: “I wish someone at Georgetown had told me … ” *Editor’s note – Do not both say your wish out loud at the same time. This will cancel out all wish-granting or time-travelling powers from the ghost of John Carroll who will be listening in from the clock tower.*
Take turns sharing the basis, and then nitty-gritty details of the personal essay you submitted in your original Georgetown application.
After taking one minute to dig through your memory bank, tell your partner about the first time that you saw them on campus. Be very honest as you explain what your first impression of your partner was.
Share with your partner when or if this first impression changed.
When was the first time you cried because Georgetown, in all its glory and madness, got the best of you?
Tell your partner what you admire most about them.
What, if anything, do you think Hoyas should care more about?
Imagine that you are at the Lincoln Memorial watching the sunrise on the morning of your graduation. You will never again be surrounded by all your fellow classmates in one spot ever again. What is one thing you regret not having told someone, be they a friend or a face in the crowd who never became anything more?
Why haven’t you told the aforementioned person what you think yet?
Of all your friends, colleagues, professors, Jesuits or four-legged friends on the Hilltop, who are you most afraid of losing, metaphysically or metaphorically?
Stand up and grab your partners’ hands in your own. Set a timer and stare into each others eyes soundlessly for 228 seconds, one for every year of Georgetown’s existence.
Thank you for your participation! Now get over to Tombs and laugh about how silly that was. Or, maybe it wasn’t. Best of luck.
This is your official notice that the GUSA Town Hall happening tonight is actually going to be interesting. A write-in ticket has announced that it will hold an alternative town hall. More importantly, Hot Chick and Chicken Madness will be at the university-sanctioned town hall to answer your questions. Sandwiches will present at a town hall meeting. Sandwiches will speak.
If there were ever a campaign season that necessitated drinking, it’s this year’s GUSA debacle. Here are the rules that will help get you through tonight’s town hall:
Someone claiming to be a translator brings a Hot Chick and a Chicken Madness
You learn the name(s) of candidate(s) who have already dropped out
You learn the name(s) of candidate(s) who are still in the running
Someone mentions “Diversity though inclusion”
A candidate acts like he or she can “fix” the campus plan
Todd Olson comes up
Chris promises to be “inclusive”
Hot Chick declares that the use of hoverboards is a natural right
Someone mentions Aramark and/or its contract with the university
The counter-town hall ticket shows up
Anyone name drops an administrator like they’re old friends
Hello, and welcome to the other side of Georgetown Day. I am happy to report that I made it through my first Georgetown Day alive and with my dignity (mostly) intact.
In fact, my biggest Georgetown Day fail was ordering a Chicken Madness without cheese or mayo, which is probably considered a sin in almost every world religion. In addition to a lifetime of memories, I also gained two unidentified pairs of sunglasses, got a sunburn, took a nap on Copley Lawn and harassed someone into giving me a bite of their Burger Madness.
Although my Georgetown Day was fairly standard and uneventful, there are many things that could have happened that would have made the day a legendary mess. Here are a few things that could have turned Georgetown Day from fun to frightening:
I did not fall off of a Vil A rooftop, end up hopelessly lost and wandering in the ICC, or jump into anyone’s Uber.
I did not end up lost and confused in Bethesda or New Carrollton. My obsession with the Metro could very easily have resulted in disastrous consequences.
I did not end up on the bottom of the Tidal Basin. Side note: I am somewhat surprised that this has never happened to someone on Georgetown Day.
I’m glad you made it out of Georgetown Day in one piece. If you’re conscious and reading this, your life isn’t totally ruined beyond repair, so congratulations! Go forth and prosper with your new memories and stories from everyone’s favorite day of the year.
The weekly holiday that is Chicken Finger Thursday makes the Georgetown dining experience infinitely more bearable for one, glorious day a week. However, no matter how delicious the food is, eating something that often can get old. So here are a few of 4E’s best ideas for keeping CFT fresh week every week:
Experiment with the sauces
Sure, this isn’t the most ingenious idea, but just try mixing it up every once in a while. Upstairs, they usually have chicken fingers drenched in buffalo, barbecue and/or honey mustard sauces. Plus, you can choose from the many dipping sauces downstairs (including my go-to, ranch dressing). Changing up your sauces can be critical for enjoying a good CFT.
The Hot Chick
Sure, maybe you can’t quite get Wisey’s quality out of Leo’s food. But you can get pretty close. The ingredients: A roll, some chicken fingers, cheese, tomatoes, ranch/mayo and Old Bay seasoning. Throw all these together, slide it on the panini press and voila! You have your own take on a Wisey’s classic.
While the Wok Station has changed to start off this year, they have always honored the request to put chicken fingers in your bowl. If you cut them up yourself, and give them to the chef, they will more than likely stir-fry them up with your veggies. Finish it off with General Tso’s sauce to complete the experience.
Buffalo Chicken Wrap
Like the Hot Chick, chicken fingers generally taste better with a little kick. So first, either get the chicken fingers dipped in buffalo sauce, or douse them in the hot sauce yourself downstairs. Then, grab a tortilla downstairs, and fill it with all of the fixings you want. I usually keep it simple, adding lettuce, cheese (sometimes) and either ranch or blue cheese dressing. You can either eat it cold, or throw it on the panini press to toast the whole thing.
Chicken and Waffles
This is a personal favorite of mine. If you have the time (and the means), head downstairs to the waffle maker, and get your waffle cooking. While that’s going, go grab your basket of chicken fingers (fries aren’t necessary, but you can grab them if you want). Once the waffle is complete, put them together, cover them in syrup and enjoy.
Sure, Leo’s isn’t perfect. And sure, even though they are great, even the chicken fingers can get a little boring. Hopefully, this list will help you enjoy Thursdays even more, and stop you from getting chicken-finger-fatigue.