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Breaking News: Democratic VP Short List Revealed

Thanks to the 4E’s incredible investigative journalism, we have some breaking news. Our field correspondents have successfully infiltrated the Democratic presidential candidates’ campaigns and found each candidate’s short list for vice president. The 4E is proud to be the on the forefront of honest reporting and journalistic integrity, so, of course, these have been fact-checked and vetted for authenticity.

Bernie Sanders:

Hillary Rodham Clinton:

This pick is honestly a great strategic pivot. Not only does it cover the older, more moderate voters Bernie is lacking, but it also brings in the political establishment. Everyone knows Sanders has been criticized by his fanatic online following, who are known to dig their bloodsucking teeth into anyone and everyone who crosses their paths, but Sanders’ embracing his nemesis will teach his followers to take the high road. The bold political move of choosing HRC as his running mate will quell fears of sexism within the Sanders camp and bring in the establishment wing of the party he so despises.

Elon Musk:

An eccentric, polarizing figure that doesn’t seem to fit any mold? Make it a double! Plus, this smart political move for Sanders will show how adept he is at making friends with the enemy. Tacking on a billionaire to his ticket will throw everyone in a tailspin and showcase Sanders’ broad appeal. Plus, free electric cars for everyone? Who doesn’t want that?

Joe Biden:

Billie Eilish:

Ah, the youth is wasted on the young. Billie’s and Joe’s averaged age would still be over 10 years older than Pete Buttigieg. Billie is everything Joe isn’t: young, hip (meaning she has two fully functioning hips) and ~relatable~. Zoomers might finally go to a Biden rally if its opening act was Billie Eilish, a surefire way to get that elusive youth vote. Biden’s steady-handedness and return to normalcy will be a perfect counterbalance to Billie’s brash, unapologetic youth, showing just how much this country needs to get back on track. 

Mike Pence:

A unity ticket! Honestly, this is another daring political stunt that leans into Joe’s incredible narrative of electability. Who is more electable than the person that was most recently elected? Plus, imagine Trump’s face when he finds out his VP is cheating on him. Priceless. This will all but ensure a Democratic victory, but at what cost? It could also be a great rebranding for Mike; it’d be an enemies-to-political allies slow burn story for the ages. 

Elizabeth Warren:

Amy Klobuchar:

Elizabeth has seized the narrative and is floating Amy as a potential VP thanks to The New York Times’ odd move to support two candidates. Who doesn’t trust the media giant that is The New York Times? Amy would be a great addition to the Warren team, as she is a seasoned veteran who has proven her winning capabilities. In typical Warren fashion, she has a plan for that.

Bernie Sanders:

There is definitely a broad appeal for two grandparents promising you free stuff. Many people can relate to it, and it could unify the burgeoning progressive movement that has recently shown cracks in its foundation. She’s younger, hipper and more savvy than her male progressive counterpart, which could be alluring for those pesky swing voters. Plus, he’d be a perfect foil for critics of Lizzie — she could just point to Bernie and say, “at least I’m not as radical as him!”

Pete Buttigieg:

His mother:

Did he get his permission slip signed to go to the debates? He seems like the type to bring a sack lunch to his field trips; apple slices are a must. She can drive him to the debate, as long as someone else can drive him back. Plus, she’d be younger than both Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden, so we know she’d last at least four years in case Pete gets any younger and becomes ineligible to run for president.

Ned McDodd, Mayor of Whoville

A double mayoral ticket for president? Un-president-ed! Pete makes the smarter political move to choose the animated mayor of Whoville instead of the live-action version, because that man is downright terrifying. I love “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” but the Whos in the film still give me nightmares — so, I’m saying a personal thank you to Pete for choosing the superior mayor.

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The GUSA Video Takeover

GUSA Campaign VideoGUSA campaigns. They’re unavoidable. Strangers keep interrupting your “House of Cards” binge (rude!) to tell you about their candidates’ platform. Red Square is lined with gargantuan posters and now your Facebook timeline is incredibly confusing because all of your friends have campaign logos as their profile pics. Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wives, but it doesn’t matter because these GUSA campaigns will find you.

As the loyal and hilarious “Top Site” in your web browser, 4E has decided to keep you informed about the GUSA campaigns that have been infiltrating your Georgetown existence for the past few days. But mostly we’re just interested in the same stuff you are, so here are this year’s GUSA campaign videos:

The Candidates

Zachary Singer (SFS ’15) & Dan Silkman (COL ’15)

The Video

As the unbiased writer of an article called “Six Degrees of Beyoncé,” I believe the song choice was ***Flawless. Zach and Dan had a lot of hip action going on. Like, a LOT. I respect this. They committed and brought out their inner divas. While I can tell that dancing isn’t necessarily their strong suit (again, lots of hip action), they’re not auditioning for “America’s Best Dance Crew” so A+++ for effort. The choreographed dance scenes had a very “We’re All in This Together” vibe to them, and I was about it. This video, combined with the pictures from their website, only further confirms my theory that this campaign is a publicity stunt for a new NBC sitcom called “A Political Bromance: The Zach and Dan Story.” I’d watch it.

The Candidates

Trevor Tezel (SFS ’15)  & Omika Jikaria (SFS ’15)

The Video

Staying in the realm of musical campaign ads, Trevor & Omika want to let us know that they’re “Happy” with a capital “H,” all while giving a nod to the massive hat Pharrell decided to wear to the Grammys. Their platform just makes Georgetown students all over the world want to get up and dance like nobody’s watching, even though the people in the background are totally watching. Their dance moves might just give Zach and Dan a run for their money (just look at their hip action). Instead of a debate or a town hall meeting, it appears a dance-off would be a better use of the public’s time.

Lastly, let’s just talk about “Tromika” for a minute. (Backstory: Trevor + Omika = Tromika). It’s very celebrity couple of them, and as an avid reader of People magazine I support this. First came Brangelina and their football team-sized, jet setting, multicultural family. Then the world plagued us with KimYe (Refer to Kanye West’s “Bound 2” music video for proof). What will Tromika bring us? The answer remains to be seen, but we’re sure it will be something “Happy.”

The Candidates

Thomas Lloyd (SFS ’15) & Jimmy Ramirez (COL ’15)

The Video

This video made me believe in love and honest communication. “I remember looking at you, and just seeing you sweat, and hit on every single girl in the program.” So honest and also weirdly endearing. Excellent song choice that reminds me of “The Parent Trap”? Check. Pun based on our outdated, early 2000s AOL designed, roommate-pairing/dating site? Check. Witty banter and phenomenal comedic timing? Check. Thomas and Jimmy have the group dynamic of two policemen in a buddy cop comedic movie a la “The Other Guys” and we can’t wait to see more videos from them!

The Candidates

Ben Weiss (COL ’15) & Sam Greco (COL ’15)

The Video

These guys won’t interrupt your “House of Cards” marathoning. They get it. Short and to the point. They’re no Frank Underwoods (thank goodness!), but they plan to get the job done. Also, in accordance with their video, they’re not unreasonably physically fit, so every Joe and Jane Hoya should feel free to challenge them to an act of physical fitness. Perhaps a dance-off? It’s almost as if this is a reoccurring theme or something.

Now it’s time to vote. Well, it’s time to vote on what’s important: the videos. Which was your favorite? We’d also like to suggest a dance-off. Just be forewarned candidates, 4E will also participate and we will be victorious.

[cardoza_wp_poll id=22]

Photo: gustudentassociation.org
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I CHOOSE YOU…

I choose you

After a heated debate between some of The Hoya staffers over some of the answers in  a Staffer of the Week post, I decided it was time to settle a major debate that has divided our society since 1996:

Which Pokémon starter is the best? [None of this Mudkip, Torchic, Treeko bullhonky]

  • Squirtle
  • Charmander
  • Bulbasaur

Team Squirtle:

Jon Rabar – Publishing Division Consultant Squirtle is the best starter because his evolved form is literally a goddamn battleship

Victoria Edel – Managing Editor Squirtle is the best because he looks baller in sunglasses.

Nicole Jarvis – Deputy Guide Editor  1. Squirtle is adorable and I am admittedly superficial with regards to my Pokémon. 2. It attacks using bubbles 3. Squirrel + Turtle = Squirtle, and those are both adorable animals. Plus I’m partial to Water-Type Pokemon. Always.

Team Charmander:

Ryan Bacic – Senior Sports Editor As a certified Pokemon Master (I won my grade’s Red and Blue tournament in high school), I’m frankly embarrassed that this question is even being asked. Charizard is a powerhouse — give me that Flamethrower, Slash, Hyper Beam, Earthquake moveset all day, erry day. Boom, you’re dead. Get out.

Michelle Cassidy – Founder/Former Senior Editor of 4E JUST LOOK AT THIS FACE. HOW CAN YOU SAY NO TO THIS FACE?

Team Bulbasaur:

Emily Manbeck – Deputy Guide Editor He’s adorable.

Steven Piccione – Former Managing Editor (Prepare yourself for what you’re about to read) It’s the beginning of the game. No time to waste. You need a starter who will carry you through the first two gyms, so you can level up your fellow team members and evolve your starter. Who do you choose? BULBASAUR. Why? Well here are some fun tips for the Charmander-obsessed (conformists) and the Squirtle-fixated (suckers for a cute baby water turtle).

These types are very weak against grass. If you choose Charmander, you run the risk of losing to Misty as your fire pokemon is weak to water. And as for Squirtle, you run the risk of losing to Lt. Surge due to the fact that water is weak against electric.

Bulbasaur outpaces both Charmander and Squirtle in base HP, Defense, Special Attack, and Special Defense.

But it doesn’t stop there. Of course, one could say Charmander’s evolved form Charizard is a “powerhouse,” but that’s nothing more than being a brute. You want a pokemon who can work with someone with enough brain cells to formulate a strategy:

Sleep powder, Poisonpowder, leechseed, and Growth. These moves are the ones that will keep a pokemon alive in battle. Sure fire is super effective versus grass, but life isn’t about hypotheticals. You need a starter who will be the one to finish the race, not sprint part of it. The archaic moves of both Charmander and Squirtle are cute and fancy at first, but what happens when the 5/5 PP runs out of Fire Blast or Hydro Pump? You’re going to settle with Bubble…or Fly? Hah. Have fun with that. Slowly but surely Leechseed will take you down, or that Poisonpowder will get to you first.

That’s right. You may get lucky with Charmander at first versus Bulbasaur, but this betch will get you from the grave. You’re poisoned, you just won the battle, but good luck getting to a PokéCenter before you die. Shit’s real and Bulbasaur will haunt you from the grave.

In conclusion, Hunter is wrong.

—-

So, what do YOU think? THIS DEBATE MUST BE SETTLED. VOTE OR PERISH.

[cardoza_wp_poll id=6]

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Simply Science: Vote to Name a Moon or Two

Screen Shot 2013-01-30 at 12.24.09 AM

Ah, Pluto. It brings back memories of my favorite middle school planetary acronym, “My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas.” In 2003, though, something about Pluto’s size and location made astronomers at the International Astronomical Union uncomfortable and led them to reclassify it as a dwarf planet, a fact we astronomical sentimentalists too often lament. That’s right, no more pizza; now she’s just making nachos.

But, that is old news. Pluto has had some limelight lately on some of the top science news websites with an exciting new opportunity for the average internet-goer. In 2011 and 2012, the Hubble Space Telescope discovered Pluto’s two smallest moons (from more than 3 billion miles away), and scientists tentatively named them P4 and P5. It turns out, though, that P4 and P5 just aren’t spicy enough names for the city-sized pieces of rock, so the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence Institute is looking for public input. They have set up plutorocks.com, a site looking for the votes of anyone and everyone to determine the new names of these lunar beauties. There’s even a write-in option if you have your own brilliant suggestion!

Sorry, you can’t name it after your Valentine’s Day sweetheart (if you have one); astronomers are apparent admirers of Roman and Greek myth, so the names have to have some mythological origin. Moons are even typically named so to depict some sort of relationship with the main planet. Pluto is the Roman name for the Greek god of the underworld, Hades. It already has three named moons: Charon, the boatsmen who ferried the souls of the dead to the underworld, Nix, the goddess of the night, and Hydra, the name of a many-headed monster that guarded an entrance to the underworld. All of the current options for names are unsurprisingly also related to the underworld, with Cerberus and Styx as the favorites.

You can only vote once a day, and though the SETI Institute seems completely intent on allowing the voters to decide, they remind us that the IAU ultimately has the final authority on the naming of P4 and P5. Never has there been a time when it has been more important for an individual to exercise his/her right to vote on lunar nomenclature than now, in this instant. Don’t be lazy. Click on the link and vote for your favorite underworld-related figure (or just the one that sounds coolest). And don’t be afraid to ask your favorite GUSA candidate which name they support … it’s an important issue.

Click Here To Vote

Deadline: 12 p.m. EST on Monday, Feb. 25, 2013.

Photo: hubblesite.org

*Simply Science is a reoccurring post that aims to make recent scientific discoveries accessible and applicable to the Georgetown student.

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Score Some Election Day Freebies

Did you vote in the general election? If your answer was no, shame on you — head out right now, you can register on site to vote in D.C. The Duke Ellington School is a polling place, and they’re open until 8 p.m. If your answer was, yes, high five! That “I Voted” sticker you got after you cast your ballot just got way more awesome (sorry, absentee ballot voters).

Besides the warm feeling of patriotism in your chest, that sticker can earn you a snack free of charge – lots of places are giving away free stuff or bonus items with purchase. And while some of them require an “I Voted” sticker, some of these places are just in the spirit of election day giving.

We’ve compiled a few places here, but be sure to leave any more places that you know of in the comments section!

Yoga Studios The D.C. yoga community is offering free yoga classes all day today. Stop by Lulu Lemon, Down Dog, or Georgetown Yoga to stretch out some of your nerves before the election results start pouring in. There are even more yoga studios participating, check out the full list here.

Starbucks While you won’t be seeing any free coffee this election day, you can score a red white and blue bracelet reading “INDIVISIBLE” when you stop by for coffee.

Shake Shack Grab yourself a free Presidential Caramel custard when you fill out a Pledge to Vote card at the Shake Shack in Dupont Circle.

Einstein Brothers Bagels The “I Voted” sticker will earn you a free bagel with cream cheese at Einstein Bros – unconfirmed whether or not it will work at our mini Einstein stands, but it’s worth a try!

Z-Burger It’s a bit of a trek, but Z-Burger is giving away free burgers to customers with a sticker from the voting booth (or you can say “ZVote” at the register). There’s a Z-Burger on Wisconsin Ave. in Glover Park (just past the Whole Foods). And trust us, they’re delicious.

Ben and Jerry’s A free cone with your sticker (this would be a pretty good time to grab the Americone Dream flavor).

Mellow Mushroom This Adams Morgan bar is hosting an election night party starting at 8 p.m. No sticker needed, but if you check in on Facebook with three other friends, you’ll snag a free pitcher of swing state beer – you can choose between Colorado, Ohio and Virginia.