Breaking News: Democratic VP Short List Revealed

Thanks to the 4E’s incredible investigative journalism, we have some breaking news. Our field correspondents have successfully infiltrated the Democratic presidential candidates’ campaigns and found each candidate’s short list for vice president. The 4E is proud to be the on the forefront of honest reporting and journalistic integrity, so, of course, these have been fact-checked and vetted for authenticity.

Bernie Sanders:

Hillary Rodham Clinton:

This pick is honestly a great strategic pivot. Not only does it cover the older, more moderate voters Bernie is lacking, but it also brings in the political establishment. Everyone knows Sanders has been criticized by his fanatic online following, who are known to dig their bloodsucking teeth into anyone and everyone who crosses their paths, but Sanders’ embracing his nemesis will teach his followers to take the high road. The bold political move of choosing HRC as his running mate will quell fears of sexism within the Sanders camp and bring in the establishment wing of the party he so despises.

Elon Musk:

An eccentric, polarizing figure that doesn’t seem to fit any mold? Make it a double! Plus, this smart political move for Sanders will show how adept he is at making friends with the enemy. Tacking on a billionaire to his ticket will throw everyone in a tailspin and showcase Sanders’ broad appeal. Plus, free electric cars for everyone? Who doesn’t want that?

Joe Biden:

Billie Eilish:

Ah, the youth is wasted on the young. Billie’s and Joe’s averaged age would still be over 10 years older than Pete Buttigieg. Billie is everything Joe isn’t: young, hip (meaning she has two fully functioning hips) and ~relatable~. Zoomers might finally go to a Biden rally if its opening act was Billie Eilish, a surefire way to get that elusive youth vote. Biden’s steady-handedness and return to normalcy will be a perfect counterbalance to Billie’s brash, unapologetic youth, showing just how much this country needs to get back on track. 

Mike Pence:

A unity ticket! Honestly, this is another daring political stunt that leans into Joe’s incredible narrative of electability. Who is more electable than the person that was most recently elected? Plus, imagine Trump’s face when he finds out his VP is cheating on him. Priceless. This will all but ensure a Democratic victory, but at what cost? It could also be a great rebranding for Mike; it’d be an enemies-to-political allies slow burn story for the ages. 

Elizabeth Warren:

Amy Klobuchar:

Elizabeth has seized the narrative and is floating Amy as a potential VP thanks to The New York Times’ odd move to support two candidates. Who doesn’t trust the media giant that is The New York Times? Amy would be a great addition to the Warren team, as she is a seasoned veteran who has proven her winning capabilities. In typical Warren fashion, she has a plan for that.

Bernie Sanders:

There is definitely a broad appeal for two grandparents promising you free stuff. Many people can relate to it, and it could unify the burgeoning progressive movement that has recently shown cracks in its foundation. She’s younger, hipper and more savvy than her male progressive counterpart, which could be alluring for those pesky swing voters. Plus, he’d be a perfect foil for critics of Lizzie — she could just point to Bernie and say, “at least I’m not as radical as him!”

Pete Buttigieg:

His mother:

Did he get his permission slip signed to go to the debates? He seems like the type to bring a sack lunch to his field trips; apple slices are a must. She can drive him to the debate, as long as someone else can drive him back. Plus, she’d be younger than both Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden, so we know she’d last at least four years in case Pete gets any younger and becomes ineligible to run for president.

Ned McDodd, Mayor of Whoville

A double mayoral ticket for president? Un-president-ed! Pete makes the smarter political move to choose the animated mayor of Whoville instead of the live-action version, because that man is downright terrifying. I love “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” but the Whos in the film still give me nightmares — so, I’m saying a personal thank you to Pete for choosing the superior mayor.

Vice President Highlights Georgetown in Summit Speech

Joe Biden

At Thursday’s White House College Opportunity Day of Action, Vice President Joe Biden stole the show with four shout outs to Georgetown in his half-hour long closing speech.

While these mentions had no relevance to the day’s goal of discussing ways of increasing college opportunity, his rambling anecdotes ensured Georgetown was included in the major higher education summit.

The first nod to the Hilltop came as Biden discussed his son, Hunter who started Yale Law School after getting his B.A. at Georgetown. According to our Vice President, a Georgetown degree could mean you’re smarter than someone with an Ivy League PhD.

“My son Hunter is a very very bright young man. He’s a grown man now with three beautiful daughters. I remember when he got into Yale Law School he said ‘Dad, you know, 69 in my class have already their PhDs. It’s going to be hard.’ And he went to a great school. He went to Georgetown before that. I remember he had a court competition and after it was over he came out and went to a phone booth. And I know where this phone booth is. And he whispered and said, ‘Dad, I won.’ And he said, ‘Dad, you know, I’m as smart or smarter than a lot of these guys.’”

bidens_2
Joe Biden with son, Hunter.

Less than two minutes later, Biden highlighted how our expansive mass schedule saved him in an embarrassing family moment.

“Two years ago at the convention, Michelle and Barack and Jill and I were standing waiting to go out to be introduced, this is a true story. And you’ve got to see Michelle. She is an incredible, incredible first lady and incredible mother. As is the President. As a matter of fact, one of the great byproducts and a point of personal privilege, their two daughters and two of my granddaughters are each others’ best friends. They vacation together, spend time together. I told my granddaughter last year we’re going to 10:00 mass, and she said ‘Pop I can’t.’ And I said, ‘Oh, this is your grandfather. You’re going to 10:00 mass.’ She said, ‘I can’t. The President’s picking me up in five minutes.” Well what am I going to say? The good news is that I have one son that went to Georgetown and I said, ‘They got a 7:00 mass at Georgetown.”

It is still unclear how a speech on education policy evolved into a discussion of time at mass, but thanks anyway, Vice President.

Photos: thepoliticalinsider.com

This GUSA Race Is Madness!

The past few weeks have been a storm of information about the upcoming GUSA elections. We have watched the campaign videos, played the drinking games and dissected each campaign’s graphic design skills. But in the midst of it all, there has been growing support for a candidate unlike the rest: Chicken Madness.

Chicken Madness and his once arch-rival Hot Chick have decided to run together for GUSA president and vice president. The campaign started a few weeks back when a mysterious man by the name of Jack Wisemiller sent many Georgetown students a Facebook friend request. In the time it took for every freshman to ask his roommate, “Did we meet a Jack Wisemiller at NSO?”, the Facebook account had already gathered hundreds of friends and followers.

The reason for Jack Wisemiller’s Facebook? To spread the word about writing in Chicken Madness and Hot Chick on GUSA election day! I was a little shocked when I heard the news. I thought to myself, How could two undeniably delicious sandwiches run our student government? But after some serious contemplation and soul searching, I have discovered some qualities about this dynamic duo that every potential GUSA president and vice president should aspire to.

5 Great Qualities of Chicken Madness and Hot Chick 

1. They can motivate the student body 

Whether you are running on the track at Yates or studying in Lau on a Saturday afternoon, nothing keeps you going like the idea of a Chicken Madness. If it weren’t for this Wisey’s classic, no one would get anything done. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “Alright, 20 more minutes of reading and then I’m hitting up Wisey’s!” Keep it up, Chicken Madness.

2. They are (uniquely) committed to diversity

In any political race, candidates pay close attention to the role of diversity among the people they wish to represent. The Chicken Madness and Hot Chick pair are truly diverse. Chicken Madness, a savory grilled chicken delicacy, is there when you need comfort food. Hot Chick, on the other hand, is a spicy chicken tender sub that never disappoints. Those are some diverse flavors if I say so myself.

3. They have a sick campaign slogan

Chicken Madness and Hot Chick

“Two sandwiches… One Georgetown.” That slogan is tough to beat.

4. They unite the students at Georgetown

Whether you live on or off campus, Chicken Madness and Hot Chick bring people together. As you stroll into Wisey’s ready to pick up your delicious Chicken Madness or Hot Chick, you can run into just about anyone. From that study buddy you crammed for finals with last semester to that freshman roommate you lost touch with over the years, you can always bond over your love for a good ‘ole Wisey’s sandwich.

5. They can’t knock on your doors

Enough said.

Photo: facebook.com