Finals season may be upon us, but our fall classes are right around the corner, and hopefully, next semester won’t be over Zoom! While Georgetown students have just registered, it’s clear there needs to be a revision of the schedule of classes.
“United States Political Systems?” “Problem of God?” Boring.
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Georgetown clearly needs to spice up its academic roster, and we at the 4E have some suggestions for new classes that are sure to make students cry on registration day when they realize that there are no spots left.
Me, when the entry-level history course I need to take to graduate on time filled up because all of the spaces are reserved for first-years. GIPHY
THEO 666: Cats and Satanism
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The Blue and Gray Tour Guide Society has been complaining that “Dogs and Theology” — which is a real class that I took in fall 2019, shoutout to Father Steck — has not been a compelling enough draw to get prospective students to attend Georgetown. The administration should respond to this with another whammy of a theology-requirement-fulfilling class, by offering the exact opposite. What could be more enticing than a class on Satanism and cats offered by a Jesuit school with a dog mascot? It’s perfect!
MARK 019: Rebranding After a Deadly Pandemic Takes Your Company’s Name
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The unprecedented events of the last year led to one unexpected consequence: a fall in the sale and halted production of Corona beer. How can a company bounce back from such a disastrous naming coincidence? Only the MSBros can find the true answer in this tantalizing class.
INAF 101: Devil’s Advocacy
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This class would be perfect for carefully cultivating Georgetown’s next generation of “Devil’s Advocates!” You know the type: a Pocket Constitution always on hand, always saying that “both sides are to blame,” and always on the lookout for their newest ~victim~ to engage in an unwilling debate.
BIOL 069: The Jesuit Identity and Your Body
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This class, cross-referenced with theology, will explore the relationship between Georgetown’s Jesuit Values and your ~body~ (think: “the birds and the bees,” but if taught by Father Carnes)! With course modules featuring “Hoya No Sex-a” and “How to Use Bathroom Doors as a Propaganda Tool,” this class is sure to hit the perfect balance of scandal and intrigue.
CHEM 411: Mixology
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What could be more scientific than experimenting with delicious drink combinations? This upper-level chemistry elective would be perfect for fulfilling Georgetown’s Science for All core requirement and for ensuring that the Village A rooftop has more to offer (21+) Hoyas than lukewarm Natty Lite. Plus, if your career in consulting doesn’t work out, this class would give a great backup plan for graduation!
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Hopefully this refresh on Georgetown’s course offerings will make our undergraduate population much happier! Keep that GPA up, Hoyas!
With the impending start of the fall semester, many of us are itching to just get back on campus. This also means in-person classes and activities, but with the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, we haven’t been able to get to know each other as well as we should. One thing remains true: perception is key. Although that seems superficial, it … Okay, this intro is getting long. Here are a few things you can do to make yourself look smarter.
Know Your Way Around
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Usually, the innocent freshman can expect a sage, experienced upperclassmen to tell them where to go. That becomes a little more difficult when about one-third of them are in the exact same boat, and unfortunately, there isn’t always going to be a helpful junior or senior around to come to the rescue. Before the confused masses start wandering across the lawns and around the halls, consider studying a map. In no time, your peers will depend on you, like boats to a lighthouse. That’s how you make friends: necessity.
Dress for Success
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For the past year or so, we’ve all had the privilege of dressing casually. Now that our peers are finally going to be able to see below our upper torsos, an upgrade is in order. Watch out folks: business casual (or better) has just become the new casual.
Buy a Fountain Pen
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There’s no joke here. Buy a fountain pen. Unless you’re willing to refill cartridges or, God forbid, toss them out when you’re done with them, buying a converter and an ink bottle is highly recommended (mileage depends on usage and nib size). Here are a few recommendations:
(Tip: You can store ink using the entire body of the pen. To do this, you need an o-ring, silicone grease and a syringe/eyedropper. Here’s a how-to video: https://youtu.be/3qWXqOu3sfc?t=331)
Now that you have your nifty new fountain pen, it’s time to put it to good use. Taking physical notes has been known to boost understanding of the subject being written down, which makes it something worth considering. Though carrying around a binder can be a little inconvenient, what better way is there to show off your stationary and/or handwriting? You never know when your word processor is going to erase all your work.*
*based on author’s personal experience from writing this article
Read Your Professors’ Books
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You’re checking your physics professor’s profile on GU360. As you scroll down toward the bottom, reading about all of their greatest accomplishments, something catches your eye. They’ve written a book: “The Doppler Effect and Earthquakes.” Is it something that interests you? No. Should you read it? Yes. Even if you have no interest in the subject, reading your professor’s book can help you establish some credibility. You’re going to need something to gush about to your professor during office hours, after all.
Familiarize Yourself with the Acronyms
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GUTS, GUSA, and GERMS, oh my! Georgetown does love acronyms, and confusingly enough, many of them begin with “GU.” Similar to memorizing a map of our campus, knowing all of them will help you stand out. People don’t need this information, per se, but it’s just helpful to know. By the way, how do you pronounce GUGS again?
GIPHY Will you enjoy reading this article? The answer to both of these questions is yes.
My roommates and my sister have recently gotten me hooked on watching “The Bachelor,” and I quickly became obsessed. As season 25 (it’s really been going on that long?) comes to a close, here are 10 crazy things I learned that you may or may not know about “The Bachelor.”
1. Contestants are completely removed from the outside world.
Most people who know even a little bit about “The Bachelor” know that the producers cut contestants off from the outside world. I originally took this as, “Oh they can’t go on Instagram. Boohoo.” Turns out, it’s so much worse than that. They do not have access to phones, TV, music, magazines or even BOOKS. Not being allowed to have books kind of caught me off guard, but they don’t seem like the type to read anyway. You even have to be granted permission to watch a movie. But if the producers didn’t cut these girls completely off from the world, how would they get so bored that they stir up the most toxic drama for fun? I mean, that is the whole point of the show.
2. Rose ceremonies are at 2 a.m.
GIPHY Yea, at 2 a.m. Sheesh. A girl needs her beauty sleep.
I mean it only makes sense because obviously it’s the best lighting. Enough said.
3. There is an extensive packing list AND YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED THREE SUITCASES!
GIPHY Live footage of me trying to cram all of my earthly belongings into two suitcases before Georgetown ripped my heart out.
This sounds eerily similar to when Georgetown ~recommended~ that first-years only bring two suitcases to campus in the fall (rip first fall and spring lol). I am having flashbacks to this past summer, and I just know that my fellow first-years are too. Imagine the anxiety of trying to stuff 14 formal dresses and nine weeks of clothes, makeup and shoes into three suitcases. Bleh, I don’t even want to think about it anymore.
4. They have to buy all of their own clothes.
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Yea, all those items shoved into three suitcases must be purchased by the contestant. One bachelorette took out a second mortgage to buy $8,000 worth of clothes for the show, which, according to math from Abigail Weintz’s lovely article is equivalent to approximately 894 Wisey’s Chicken Madness sandwiches. Personally, I would prefer those sandwiches to the minimum 14 fancy dresses needed for the rose ceremonies on top of all the outfits for dates. But, hey, they are looking for the love of their life, their one “true” person, so maybe it is worth it. Or maybe its worth is that they can become an influencer for three years and then fall back into oblivion. *Looks around* Who said that???
5. There are some “suggestions” for what you should and shouldn’t wear.
GIPHY This is what the show would look like if the contestants were allowed to wear solid white.
These strong suggestions include stripes, small checkered patterns, big patterns, solid white, and honestly anything else the producers just don’t like. While contestants would never be told that something doesn’t look good, the producers will suggest that they change “because their outfit does not translate well on camera.” I bet the producers word it that way so that they don’t unleash the wrath of these emotionally unstable women by saying their outfits are ugly.
6. They become beauticians overnight.
GIPHY This would be me, embarrassing myself on national television because of my lack of makeup and hair knowledge.
After the producers cheaped out on providing wardrobe, I shouldn’t be surprised that they do not provide hair or makeup, but I still am. I can’t imagine being on camera LITERALLY ALL THE TIME with my current knowledge of makeup that matches the skill of a middle schooler. One girl even hired a professional makeup artist to teach her tips and tricks before she went on the show. Maybe I should consider that if I ever hit rock bottom and audition to be on “The Bachelor.”
7. There is a two drink per hour rule.
GIPHY Seems like some people have been breaking that rule. …
The perfect amount to spice up life in the mansion, without any of these ladies drinking too much and stirring up drama. We wouldn’t want that, now would we?
8. They don’t eat on camera.
GIPHY I mean, Patrick looks kinda cute here eating on camera.
Apparently it’s too loud for the cameras and “nobody wants to see that.” I mean they’re right — I personally would not like to see that. But I also think that eating in front of your potential soulmate is a very telling experience. They just eat all sad and alone in their rooms before all of the dates. #depressing
9. And don’t forget about your mandatory psych evaluation.
GIPHY This GIF is literally from “Bachelor in Paradise,” which is a more chaotic spin-off of “The Bachelor.”
I definitely have some questions about this one. It makes me wonder if they do the psych eval just to find the most unstable people and throw them in a house to see what happens. Maybe they need a more comprehensive evaluation considering the many irrational behaviors that occur in just one episode.
10. Chris Harrison, the host of “The Bachelor,” was fired (low key)
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Harrison will not return to host the next season of “The Bachelorette,” and he has been replaced by Tayshia Adams and Kaitlyn Bristowe. It is unclear if ABC will allow him to return in future seasons, but it seems to me that Chris was dumped and is unable to accept it because he keeps saying how this is not the end. Although Harrison has already been replaced (by two fantastic women nonetheless — I actually know nothing about them, BUT the bar is just so low), I think a better choice would have been Ted Cruz for three reasons…
1. He is soon out of a job.
2. He is equally if not more problematic than Chris Harrison.
3. The entire “Bachelor” franchise radiates major Republican vibes, so Ted will fit in just fine.
However, “The Bachelor” has been safer during the pandemic. 🙄 Contestants had to be tested every third day for COVID during the 2020-21 seasons. Can Ted Cruz say the same? The contestants also quarantined before appearing on the show. Can Cruz say the same before he jetted off to Mexico? (Chris Harrison broke quarantine though🤭 and was temporarily replaced by JoJo Fletcher.) In all honesty, who would Chris Harrison’s replacement be if he didn’t also display problematic actions as a public figure?
I hope you enjoyed learning about some crazy things about “The Bachelor” and didn’t lose any brain cells in the process.
There are three constants to a fall as a Georgetown student, even remotely: midterms, good friends, and the Georgetown Program Board’s annual Mr. Georgetown pageant. Not even a global pandemic could deter this beloved tradition, with 12 of Georgetown’s most ~dashing~ Hoyas taking to the (Zoom!) stage to represent their organization, strut their stuff and entertain the masses.
While this year’s pageant may look different from years’ previous, taking place virtually over the course of three Friday nights, October 16th, 23rd, and 30th, the event’s history and purpose still shine through. Mr. Georgetown was founded in 2005 as a spirited celebration and a way to showcase the many talents and personalities of senior men on campus. It was also created as a way to critique the notion of gender in pageantry, as pageantry is typically considered as female events, by putting men in the position of being evaluated as representatives of Georgetown and their respective student organizations.
We at The Hoya are excited to introduce to you this year’s dazzling contestants representing the Class of 2021, but first, to ensure a positive Mr. Georgetown experience for all Hoyas, GPB has released a statement regarding Georgetown’s community values because while the event was created to challenge gender norms, GPB wants to encourage an conversation about the role of gender in the event.
“The mission of GPB is to create an atmosphere of community spirit at Georgetown, and to provide high-quality, low-cost entertainment for the entire undergraduate campus community. In alignment with this mission, we are committed to examining the role that gender has played in Mr. Georgetown in the past and would like to open a discussion with the community about ways to make our event more inclusive of all gender identities. To connect with us please email [email protected]“
With that, meet the candidates for Mr. Georgetown 2020!
Christopher Le: Mr. AASA
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF CHRIS LE
Hometown: York, Pa.
School: COL
Major: mathematics
What do you love most about AASA? I love the endless jokes we have, even though most are targeted at me. Love the fact that we can be truly ourselves and be goofy and no one judges anyone bc everyone else is just as goofy!
What is your go-to late night Epi order? Chicken quesadilla, if you get anything else—wrong. Those slap after a long night.
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “Supalonely” by BENEE and Gus Dapperton. It describes my semester in two fold. The title makes sense because can’t see everyone so I’m lonely. And the second part is that it came from TikTok, which has helped me pass the time during the semester.
Samuel Nelson: Mr. The Hoya
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF SAM NELSON/THE HOYA
Hometown: Cocoa Beach, Fla.
School: MSB
Major: operations & information management and marketing
What do you love most about The Hoya? Working with such creative and passionate people
What is your go-to late night Epi order? What I would give for one last late-night Epi! My go-to order was a grilled cheese on ciabatta, add sliced tomato and pesto mayo. Soooo satisfying and a full $3 cheaper than the quesadilla.
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spot are the window seats on Lau 4. I love gazing at the fall leaves and beautiful pastel townhouses all while disassociating on a Hi-Chew/Red Eye-induced high. Doesn’t quite feel the same at home…
Onrei Josh Ladao: Mr. Club Filipino
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF ONREI JOSH LADAO
Hometown: San Diego, Calif.
School: COL
Majors: art and sociology
What do you love most about Club Filipino? What I love most about my club is how welcoming the atmosphere is. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from — CF will always be your home away from home.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? ALWAYS Epi quesadillas. The quesadillas just ~ * hit different * ~ at 1 a.m.
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spots on campus are the GSP and CMEA offices. I always take a nap in the office.
Eli Lefcowitz: Mr. Pep Band
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF ELI LEFCOWITZ
Hometown: Port Washington, N.Y.
School: COL
Major: government
What do you love most about Pep Band? The Pep Band is full of the most hilarious, supportive people I know at Georgetown — they can cheer you up even when the Hoyas lose by 40 (trust me, it’s happened). Oh, and the unlimited free Domino’s pizza is pretty nice too.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? It would have to be Leo J. O’Donovan. I am a big fan of his chicken tenders.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? I used to just order a cup of sour cream, but one day the sandwich man said that would no longer be allowed. Since then, I’ve just ordered a chicken quesadilla, hold the tortilla, chicken, cheese and salsa. Yum.
Felipe Lobo Koerich: Mr. SFS Academic Council
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OFFELIPE LOBO KOERICH
Hometown: It’s complicated…technically, all of the ones listed: Campinas, Brazil; Jundiaí, Brazil; Amsterdam, the Netherlands; Houston, Texas; New Orleans, La.
School: SFS
Major: international politics
What do you love most about SFS Academic Council? The passion everyone brings. It’s a small group of highly committed individuals that genuinely want to make Georgetown and the SFS better for their peers. It’s incredibly inspiring, especially when our advocacy translates into actually meaningful changes.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? Jan Karski, who served as a resistance fighter and diplomat during World War II and risked his life on multiple occasions to learn about what the Nazi government was doing in Poland and tell the United States about the Holocaust. To me, he exemplifies many Georgetown and SFS values. He’s a deeply inspiring, although far too unknown, hero.
What is your favorite spot on campus? I have so many memories of places on campus that it was hard to pick, but I have to go with the red armchairs right next to the elevator on top floor of Lau. I spent many hours my sophomore and junior years studying and finishing assignments there, with a beautiful view of Healy and Copley Lawn and those two buildings, which was especially nice during sunset and during the fall. It makes me really miss the more mundane, everyday moments and experiences from back when we were all on campus.
Andrew Molinari: Mr. GU Pride
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF ANDREW MOLINARI
Hometown: Rochester, N.Y.
School: COL
Major: economics and performing arts
What do you love most about your club? I think GU Pride holds many places in many different people’s hearts. We’re here to celebrate your identity and build community. We’re here to advocate for you and comfort you in times of need. We’re also here to dance with you when you need a night out with some Donna Summer. Pride is everything to me; it’s what I live by.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? Easily Bradley Cooper. Did you know he was interested in a career in diplomacy, but then went and became a famous actor instead? That’s the kind of Georgetown success story I like to see.
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “Party For One” by Carly Rae Jepsen. Need I say more?
Hunter Congdon: Mr. GREEN
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF HUNTER CONGDON
Hometown: New Haven, Conn.
School: SFS
Major: international politics
What do you love most about your club? What I love most about GREEN is the vibrancy and enthusiasm of our community. We may come from all different parts of campus but we all care a lot about the environment and are eager about taking action, but we also know how to have fun.
What is your favorite spot on campus? The lower level of Lau. There’s never anyone there so it’s a great place to go to hammer out that 10-page paper that’s due in two hours, and there’s all these microfilms and government documents, which feels like such a retro throwback but is also cool and interesting at the same time.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? The vanilla milkshake or the hot chocolate.
Tim Adami: Mr. The Voice
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF TIM ADAMI
Hometown: Morris Plains, N.J.
School: SFS
Major: international politics
What do you love most about your club? Nothing beats production night with the rest of the board. Staying awake till 4 a.m. never gets old with the rest of the design staff and board members. I made some of my favorite memories during those late nights.
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “SOS” by Miss Rihanna…
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spot on campus to have a solitary cry was within Lau 5’s labyrinth of bookshelves. Suppose I wanted to have a more public breakdown, though…in that case, I’d go to the Leavey Esplanade to make the med/grad students feel uncomfortable during their breaks.
Nicolo Ferretti: Mr. GUSA
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF NICOLO FERRETTI
Hometown: New York
School: SFS
Major: STIA
What do you love most about your club? The People
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? My favorite Georgetown alumnus is definitely Tony [Anthony] Coscia cause I like trains. I also saw him speak the other day. Seemed cool.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? You gotta get a grilled cheese sandwich with mozzarella as the cheese and Italian (or rye) bread. You 100% gotta add tomatoes. If you’re there, you add peperoncini. Pesto sauce. And if you’re a real winner, you get guac on the side, not as a topping, but an actual side dish.
Kyle Dudzinski: Mr. Club Lacrosse
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF KYLE DUDZINSKI
Hometown: Port Murray, N.J.
School: SFS
Major: international politics — security studies
What do you love most about your club? I think the club lacrosse team has the perfect balance of being competitive while still having fun. It’s great to go compete against other schools with your friends without taking yourself too seriously.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? John Mulaney, no doubt. His Netflix specials have gotten me through so many midterms and finals seasons!
What is your favorite spot on campus? Definitely Dahlgren. It is serene, picturesque and quite literally the heart of our campus. Of all things Georgetown, I think I miss this place the most.
JP Nguyen: Mr. GERMS
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OFJP NGUYEN
Hometown: Houston, Texas
School: COL
Major: biology
What do you love most about your club? I love the long weekend nights when we stay up and watch movies before the calls start to pick up. We might be up together until 5 a.m. some nights, but the people we get to meet make it enjoyable. :)
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “Stay Away” by Carly Rae Jepsen, the Queen of Social Distancing
What is your favorite spot on campus? The ICC bathrooms <3 because that’s where I cry on the toilet before Spanish class.
Casey Wetherbee: Mr. IRC
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF CASEY WETHERBEE
Hometown: Ithaca, N.Y.
School: SFS
Major: international political economy
What do you love most about your club? What I love most about the IRC is how it welcomed me during my freshman year into a diverse and inclusive family that has supported me across the board, and that I’ve had a lot of opportunities to mentor younger Hoyas interested in international affairs since then!
What is your go-to late night Epi order? The onion rings from Epi slap, but honestly their veggie wrap is super slept on, and hits different at 3 a.m.
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spot on campus is the Healey Family Student Center because it enables my caffeine and procrastination habits and it’s really pretty. I’ve also cried and sang in the piano rooms too many times to mention, which I’m grateful for.
We hope to see you all this Friday, October 23, on Zoom, for the second round of competition!
Due to the ongoing public health crisis, Georgetown has decided the majority of students will remain home for the fall 2020 semester. Hoyas received a taste of online learning during the spring of 2020, but this fall, admin has spared no expense to offer a semester with even more precision and in-depth planning than the last.
Photorealistic representation of McKinsey consultants unraveling and editing DeGioia’s reopening plan.
While this won’t be the semester anyone had envisioned, we may as well prepare for what lies ahead. The 4E is here to offer you a ~sneak preview~ of your online fall semester!
John DeGioia, do your worst.
Classes:
With full course loads and asynchronous lectures, Hoyas everywhere can expect ~The Grind~ to never stop!
Chad from Apple Pie Delta gets frustrated during his OPIM lecture.
The Grind, of course, comes with its own challenges. Living at home means parents and younger siblings interrupting lectures and valuable study time. Staring at your online class crush covertly (or even enlarging their picture in Zoom) is enough of a distraction!
There’s no place like Lau 4! There’s no place like Lau 4!There’s no place like Lau 4!
There are some bright sides to online classes, though. Over Zoom, Hoyas can live out their reality television star dreams by sitting in their very own confessional square! Use the background of your favorite Confessional Booth™, and, suddenly, you too are a Kardashian!
Me trying to get through a 9 a.m. economics lecture.
Hoyas can also take advantage of the small screen to show off their quarantine fits. Of course, stunting in Lau is a Georgetown tradition, so you can bet some students will be angling their cameras juuust right to show off a glimpse of that Gucci belt!
Sweatpants and slippers are also a ~stellar~ option.
Parties:
While the Vil A rooftop won’t be baptized with the annual syllabus week parties to kick off the semester, online classes can’t stop Hoyas from turning up! Zoom parties will be just like regular ones, only much less sweaty. And you’ll have complete control over the aux (and a mute button)!
The “Devil’s Advocate” from your political theory class acting like a young Ben Shapiro after drinking two White Claws again? Mute him!
These Zoom parties will have an unlimited capacity for fun guests, so no need for a pledge asking freshmen at the door, “Who do you know here?” Just don’t be surprised when your friends 8+ timezones away from you ~darty~ while you ~party~!
Class of 2024 crashing seniors’ exclusive Zoom parties.
To top it all off, Natty Light will also no longer be the only alcoholic option for (21+) Hoyas to enjoy! Nothing says “lit” like the unopened red wine your mom got as a gift in 2016!
Clubs:
While parties can easily be transitioned online, Georgetown’s Club Culture™ is harder to recreate over the internet.
How can the Hoyas get rejected from The Corp if there’s no coffee to serve in the first place?
Some of Georgetown’s most ~exclusive~ clubs will have to transition online for recruitment, initiation and everything in between! This may serve as a huge advantage for the business crowd: No more running across campus in suits only to be rejected by the consulting club of your choice! For other clubs, it may not be as simple, resulting in a few hiatuses.
An exclusive look into GU Eating Society’s next gathering.
Reminder: The Hoya is always looking for new talent ;)
Work-Study and Internships:
Many students lost their on-campus jobs in the spring, including students working at Lauinger Library and Yates and as student guards. To compensate for this sudden unemployment, Georgetown is offering a number of online work-study positions.
Georgetown isn’t known for its IT positions (I’m looking at you, always empty UIS Service Desk on the third floor of Lau), but in this unprecedented time, innovation in student work is necessary. The 4E personally brainstormed ideas for online jobs for Hoyas:
Zoom Bombing Student Guard
Exam Proctor (see: Narc)
OnlyFans Content Creator
Author Of a Book Written in Quarantine Set To Be Published In April 2021
“Tennis Coach”
We also can’t forget those students experiencing remote internships! Let’s hear it for our remote Hillterns™!
“The West Wing” but make it ~virtual~
Traditions:
Hoyas already missed out on Georgetown Day 2020, so we deserve a fun homecoming at the very least. Even though there will be no football, we all know that, at Georgetown, homecoming is never about the football anyway.
“Homecoming” can take on a new and more literal meaning in this quarantine. Hoyas could flood campus for a weekend in September (while social distancing, of course) to bring us together for the first time since March and keep the Georgetown spirit alive!
Hoya Saxa!
Students turning 21 will also have to adapt the Tombs Night tradition to an online platform. When The Tombs finally reopens, you can bet most of the bar’s patrons will be stamping their foreheads to make up for their missed birthdays. But for now, a postal stamp and a speech on Zoom will have to do.
A cake also couldn’t hurt. Or, if you’re anything like me, try a piñata!
Spring:
While the future opening status of Georgetown is unknown, we can all do our part to stay safe now to be together as a family in the future.
Where’s your mask, Andy Samberg?
For now, live your Georgetown career without regret! DM that cutie in your theology class on Canvas! Take “International Finance” pass/fail! Email your TA to round up your grade! Catfish your professor by using a hot person’s photo as your Zoom avatar!
From all of us at the 4E, stay healthy Hoyas! We hope to see you on campus soon!
Earlier in this semester, we at The Fourth Edition welcomed three new fantastically ~quirky~ sophomores to our staff: Jessica Alexander, Melanie Boychuk and Katie Watke!
As the year progresses, we hope you get to know them through their incredible work, but for now, here is each new hire’s “Top 5” list!
Jessica Alexander (COL ’22)
Top-Five Bagels (Dedicated to Einstein’s Lovers and New Jerseyans alike):
Everything
Pumpernickel
Cinnamon Sugar
Sesame Seed
Plain
Melanie Boychuk (COL ’22)
Top-Five Most Pretentious Grocery Stores
Whole Foods: Whole Foods takes the (organic, gluten-free, $30) cake for most pretentious grocery store. Under the guise of “all natural, non-GMO” products, Whole Foods is ironically a serious detriment to shoppers’ health when they immediately have a stroke upon seeing their receipt total.
Trader Joe’s: Trader Joes is not simply a grocery store; it’s an entirely different universe. In what other world can you buy wine for $4 while hipsters in Hawaiian shirts ringing you up tell you what you’re buying is “totally one of their favorites?” However, out of respect for their low prices, they get to be No. 2 on this list.
Wegmans: Wegmans is well known for having relatively cheap products for good-quality food. However, its weirdly strong following places it in the middle of this list — ask anyone in Jersey and they’ll tell you they would sell their soul to keep shopping at Wegmans.
The Fresh Market: The Fresh Market is trying to reinvent grocery stores by focusing on fresh food. Anytime a business uses the word “reinvent,” you can be sure there’s some sort of gentrification going on there.
Safeway: Posing as a regular grocery store among the likes of ShopRite or Stop & Shop, Safeway fools its shoppers with its almost too ordinary appearance. However, Safeway’s jacked-up prices are most definitely not ordinary — and puts it at No. 5 on this list.
Katie Watke (COL ’22)
Top-Five Best (and I mean the absolute very best) Chinese Foods To Order and Crave on a Daily Basis:
Bao Bun (preferably of the pork variety)
Shrimp (specifically) Soup Dumplings
All Other Types of Soup Dumplings
Egg and Tomato Soup (for those days when you’ve eaten one too many bao buns)
Peking Duck (would be number one if — and only if — the delectable dish weren’t so inaccessible! The only Peking Duck anyone should ever eat exists only in Beijing, so until teleportation becomes a modern mode of transportation, I must sadly place this beloved dish at No. 5)
If you haven’t heard, Blake Shelton was recently named the Sexiest Man Alive. We here at 4E are unsure if it’s just us, or if everyone else also has trouble seeing what People Magazine and Gwen Stefani see (look below for reference).
To try and get some perspective on this confusing choice, here’s a list of 15 people we think are sexier than Blake Shelton:
The pizza in the above gif
Amanda Bynes
The Wisey’s Rat
Jack the Bulldog
Bill Clinton
Todd Olson
Josh Peck (pre-not inviting Drake Bell to his wedding)
Patrick Ewing
Amanda Bynes in “She’s the Man”
The Dad from “Drake and Josh”
Jack the Bulldog on a skateboard
Kim Kim (we still miss you on the panini press)
John DeGioia
Todd Olson in full convocation garb
Bradley Cooper
We at 4E simply cannot fathom how none of these fine options preceded Blake Shelton. People Magazine, we urge you to take into account this definitive list before choosing your ~Sexiest Man Alive~ next year.
It is that time of year again Hoyas, Halloween. Right now, you are most likely scrambling to find a costume that is both “cute” and “funny” — AKA the incredible feat. Why not rep Georgetown this holiday season? Here are some ideas to get the ideas flowing:
1. A Go-Card. This costume is especially easy since we all have a model of what it should look like (unless you lost it). Steal a piece of cardboard from Prospect Street on Thursday as Friday is recycling day and there is bound to be something you can use. Grab some blue and while paint, and cut out a whole for your face. Extra points if you use yourself to swipe into a dorm.
2. The Omelet Lady. Does she still exist? I haven’t been to Leo’s in about a century. Nonetheless, she is for sure the most important person on this campus because she controls the omelets, AKA the only cure to your Sunday hangover. Carry around a pan, those little omelet order slips and scream “Get ya omelet” at everyone you see. Extra points if you bring me an omelet.
3. Georgetown Study Abroad Student. If you are a junior, it is very likely that a large majority of your friend group is off being “cultural” right now. Why not #TBT to them and go as a Italy/France/Spain/Ireland/Australia/WHATEVER study abroad student? All you need is a selfie stick and a “new found view of the world.”
4. A Corp Barista. The easiest one on the list! If you have ever bought a coffee, tea, chai or whatever you fancy at a Corp location, you know the baristas have a certain style that will never go out of style. Throw on an artsy/hipster outfit (bonus points for overalls) and a backwards hat and you are golden. You should 100% carry around a coffee, as well.
Have you ever wondered how old you really look? Maybe you’re just curious what bouncers really think when you hand them your ID and they laugh in your face? Because let’s be honest, no one at Piano Bar is buying that you’re 26. Regardless of your purpose, Microsoft is now here to help.
The tech company just launched a facial recognition tool that supposedlyaccurately predicts both your age and gender in a picture using a set of algorithms. Sounds pretty complicated, right? Well, all you have to do is visit www.how-old.net, upload a photo of yourself and let the software do the rest of the work. The tool started out as a small demo test, as the website information was only released to 50 people via email from Microsoft. The response was overwhelming, and the website started to blow up. Two members of Microsoft’s machine learning group wrote on their official blog, “We were shocked. Within a few hours, over 35,000 users had hit the page from all over the world.”
While the new technology is certainly exciting, many users are complaining about the inaccuracy of the age recognition setting. In order to give you a sample of just how hilarious these age predictions are, we here at 4E took it upon ourselves to give the system a test drive and share our results with you.
Despite what Microsoft seems to believe, Kylie and Kendall Jenner are not in their 20’s. They’re actually both still teens…so that’s awkward.
We thought that using a picture of Ariana Grande in a baby buggy with a pacifier in her mouth might make Microsoft think she actually is a toddler. However, it seems to have had the opposite effect as she’s really just 21.
Now there’s no way this can be accurate! Todd doesn’t look a day over 27…c’mon Microsoft, this one should have been a no brainer.
Leave it to Georgetown alum, Bradley Cooper, to actually have Microsoft underestimate his age. He’s actually 40, but hey age is just a number, right?
While the inaccuracy of the Bieb’s age is pretty funny, it’s even more hilarious that Microsoft happens to think he’s a female. Now we’re just waiting for the Beliebers to start a protest.
This one couldn’t be more inaccurate. Anyone who’s anyone knows this is a picture of Benjamin Button, who’s actually about 8 not 76. How Microsoft got this one wrong, no one will ever know.
Finally, 4E decided to test out the program on a picture of some of our very own bloggers. We just loved the Hilltop so much that we stayed a few extra years, we’re just redefining being a “super senior”.
So go ahead and try out Microsoft’s new tool. But please, don’t get insulted if it seems to think you’re about 20 years older than you actually are…
Wikipedia defines “Journalism ethics and standards” as “the principles of ethics and of good practice as applicable to the specific challenges faced by journalists. Historically and currently… [blah blah blah etc] most [codes] share common elements including the principles of – truthfulness, accuracy, objectivity,” and the rest don’t matter because I’ve made my point. OBJECTIVITY.
As a major source of campus happenings for the student body, you are responsible for maintaining careful journalistic integrity and objectivity in your posts. Who can forget the Tom Brokaw-reminiscent musings of “Desperate Mitt Romney Announces ‘Believe in Georgetown’ Campaign for GUSA”? I sure can’t.
But the recent spate of Todd Olson-centered posts have me foaming at the mouth, and not just because the Starbucks barista went overboard with my latte. What’s up with all of these pro-Todd Olson posts? I think that I speak for the student body when I say that we want answers and we want them now. Continuing this strange charade of posts violates every aspect of student autonomy that we at 4E strive for.
So if you have any respect for the tenets of freedom that this school – nay, that America – was founded on, then I demand to you, staff of the Heckler: TEAR DOWN THIS WALL [OF LIES AND TELL US THE TRUTH BEHIND THESE TODD-OLSON-RELATED POSTS]!!!
