Meet the 4E’s Spring 2020 Hires!

Earlier in this semester, we at The Fourth Edition welcomed three new fantastically ~quirky~ sophomores to our staff: Jessica Alexander, Melanie Boychuk and Katie Watke!

As the year progresses, we hope you get to know them through their incredible work, but for now, here is each new hire’s “Top 5” list!

Jessica Alexander (COL ’22)

Top-Five Bagels (Dedicated to Einstein’s Lovers and New Jerseyans alike): 

  1. Everything 
  2. Pumpernickel 
  3. Cinnamon Sugar
  4. Sesame Seed
  5. Plain

Melanie Boychuk (COL ’22)

Top-Five Most Pretentious Grocery Stores 

  1. Whole Foods: Whole Foods takes the (organic, gluten-free, $30) cake for most pretentious grocery store. Under the guise of “all natural, non-GMO” products, Whole Foods is ironically a serious detriment to shoppers’ health when they immediately have a stroke upon seeing their receipt total.
  2. Trader Joe’s: Trader Joes is not simply a grocery store; it’s an entirely different universe. In what other world can you buy wine for $4 while hipsters in Hawaiian shirts ringing you up tell you what you’re buying is “totally one of their favorites?” However, out of respect for their low prices, they get to be No. 2 on this list. 
  3. Wegmans: Wegmans is well known for having relatively cheap products for good-quality food. However, its weirdly strong following places it in the middle of this list — ask anyone in Jersey and they’ll tell you they would sell their soul to keep shopping at Wegmans. 
  4. The Fresh Market: The Fresh Market is trying to reinvent grocery stores by focusing on fresh food. Anytime a business uses the word “reinvent,” you can be sure there’s some sort of gentrification going on there. 
  5. Safeway: Posing as a regular grocery store among the likes of ShopRite or Stop & Shop, Safeway fools its shoppers with its almost too ordinary appearance. However, Safeway’s jacked-up prices are most definitely not ordinary — and puts it at No. 5 on this list. 

Katie Watke (COL ’22)

Top-Five Best (and I mean the absolute very best) Chinese Foods To Order and Crave on a Daily Basis:

  1. Bao Bun (preferably of the pork variety) 
  2. Shrimp (specifically) Soup Dumplings 
  3. All Other Types of Soup Dumplings 
  4. Egg and Tomato Soup (for those days when you’ve eaten one too many bao buns)
  5. Peking Duck (would be number one if — and only if — the delectable dish weren’t so inaccessible!  The only Peking Duck anyone should ever eat exists only in Beijing, so until teleportation becomes a modern mode of transportation, I must sadly place this beloved dish at No. 5)

A Very GUSA Midterm

Fellow Hoyas, this Sunday, Sept. 30, is the fall semester’s GUSA senate election. Flyers plaster the walls, ads spam Facebook feeds and candidates attempt to jump you while looking for votes.

While this time could be met with apathy or even disdain, it remains an  important part of school life. Representation matters! 

Hoya staffers are not permitted to advocate for specific candidates, but it is paramount for the press to report on politics — school or otherwise.

So, without promoting any political position, here are some people you should think about while voting this Sunday.

Abraham Lincoln

This man is an obvious first mention. During the United States’ greatest trial, President Abraham “Lumbermill” Lincoln sought to bring the country together. Balancing his values and his pragmatism, he ultimately rekindled national unity. Known for his supreme storytelling and humility, Lincoln could relate to every man.

Honest Abe is the real deal.

Abigail Adams

It would be a disservice to the second first lady to refer to her simply as “the wife of President John Adams.” Abigail “Equality Now” Adams has much more weight than just being some white guy’s spouse. Adams was, in many respects, incredibly ahead of her time — vocalizing her abhorrence of slavery and demanding that if “all men are created equal,” they should be equally treated as such.

Abigail Adams is nobody’s fool.

Benito Mussolini

Very sharp turn with this one, and not really a problem in student government elections. Still, solid advice: Don’t vote for a fascist, racist maniac like this one.

Writer’s note: This image does not, in fact, show Benito Mussolini, but rather Dwight Schrute’s famous speech from Season 2, Episode 17 of “The Office.”

Conan O’Brien

Anything I write will include Conan O’Brien. A ~Harvard graduate~, Conan displays his wit and intelligence not only through his live comedy but also through his clever and often absurdist writing. Both eloquent and goofy, Conan seldom aggrandizes himself, choosing self-deprecation instead of the typical teasing.

Sit down, be Conan.

Todd Olson, Ph.D.

The beloved vice president for student affairs is the paragon of leadership. Though he spends his life telling us to stop waking up the neighbors, the man really just wants the best for his Hoya-kiddos. Vote for that person who’s just giving their earnest.

It’s time…

With these examples of character in mind, it’s your turn to do some research. As much as it probably pains you, go to all those Facebook pages explaining the GUSA candidates’ platforms. Find someone you trust and respect, whose ideas resonate with what you believe needs to be done. And, absolutely, compare them with historical icons.

But if you end up skipping these elections, please don’t sit out come Nov. 6, the real midterms that have palpable effects on how this country functions. By that time, apathy and cynicism simply aren’t options.

Happy voting!

 

Sources: giphy.com

15 People Sexier Than Blake Shelton

If you haven’t heard, Blake Shelton was recently named the Sexiest Man Alive. We here at 4E are unsure if it’s just us, or if everyone else also has trouble seeing what People Magazine and Gwen Stefani see (look below for reference).

To try and get some perspective on this confusing choice, here’s a list of 15 people we think are sexier than Blake Shelton:

  1. The pizza in the above gif
  2. Amanda Bynes
  3. The Wisey’s Rat
  4. Jack the Bulldog
  5. Bill Clinton
  6. Todd Olson
  7. Josh Peck (pre-not inviting Drake Bell to his wedding)
  8. Patrick Ewing
  9. Amanda Bynes in “She’s the Man”
  10. The Dad from “Drake and Josh”
  11. Jack the Bulldog on a skateboard
  12. Kim Kim (we still miss you on the panini press)
  13. John DeGioia
  14. Todd Olson in full convocation garb
  15. Bradley Cooper

We at 4E simply cannot fathom how none of these fine options preceded Blake Shelton. People Magazine, we urge you to take into account this definitive list before choosing your ~Sexiest Man Alive~ next year.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, tvguide.com

Georgetown-Themed Halloween Costumes

halloween

It is that time of year again Hoyas, Halloween. Right now, you are most likely scrambling to find a costume that is both “cute” and “funny” — AKA the incredible feat. Why not rep Georgetown this holiday season? Here are some ideas to get the ideas flowing:

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1. A Go-Card. This costume is especially easy since we all have a model of what it should look like (unless you lost it). Steal a piece of cardboard from Prospect Street on Thursday as Friday is recycling day and there is bound to be something you can use. Grab some blue and while paint, and cut out a whole for your face. Extra points if you use yourself to swipe into a dorm.

2. The Omelet Lady. Does she still exist? I haven’t been to Leo’s in about a century. Nonetheless, she is for sure the most important person on this campus because she controls the omelets, AKA the only cure to your Sunday hangover. Carry around a pan, those little omelet order slips and scream “Get ya omelet” at everyone you see. Extra points if you bring me an omelet.

3. Georgetown Study Abroad Student. If you are a junior, it is very likely that a large majority of your friend group is off being “cultural” right now. Why not #TBT to them and go as a Italy/France/Spain/Ireland/Australia/WHATEVER study abroad student? All you need is a selfie stick and a “new found view of the world.”

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4. A Corp Barista. The easiest one on the list! If you have ever bought a coffee, tea, chai or whatever you fancy at a Corp location, you know the baristas have a certain style that will never go out of style. Throw on an artsy/hipster outfit (bonus points for overalls) and a backwards hat and you are golden. You should 100% carry around a coffee, as well.

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Photos/Gifs: giphy.com; tumblr.com; whicdn.com; instagram.com

PSA: Microsoft Wants To Tell You How Old You Are

numbersHave you ever wondered how old you really look?  Maybe you’re just curious what bouncers really think when you hand them your ID and they laugh in your face?  Because let’s be honest, no one at Piano Bar is buying that you’re 26.  Regardless of your purpose, Microsoft is now here to help.

The tech company just launched a facial recognition tool that supposedly accurately predicts both your age and gender in a picture using a set of algorithms.  Sounds pretty complicated, right?  Well, all you have to do is visit www.how-old.net, upload a photo of yourself and let the software do the rest of the work.  The tool started out as a small demo test, as the website information was only released to 50 people via email from Microsoft.  The response was overwhelming, and the website started to blow up.  Two members of Microsoft’s machine learning group wrote on their official blog, “We were shocked.  Within a few hours, over 35,000 users had hit the page from all over the world.”

While the new technology is certainly exciting, many users are complaining about the inaccuracy of the age recognition setting.  In order to give you a sample of just how hilarious these age predictions are, we here at 4E took it upon ourselves to give the system a test drive and share our results with you.

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 12.37.08 PM

Despite what Microsoft seems to believe, Kylie and Kendall Jenner are not in their 20’s.  They’re actually both still teens…so that’s awkward.

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 12.35.00 PMWe thought that using a picture of Ariana Grande in a baby buggy with a pacifier in her mouth might make Microsoft think she actually is a toddler.  However, it seems to have had the opposite effect as she’s really just 21.

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Now there’s no way this can be accurate! Todd doesn’t look a day over 27…c’mon Microsoft, this one should have been a no brainer.

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 Leave it to Georgetown alum, Bradley Cooper, to actually have Microsoft underestimate his age.  He’s actually 40, but hey age is just a number, right?

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While the inaccuracy of the Bieb’s age is pretty funny, it’s even more hilarious that Microsoft happens to think he’s a female.  Now we’re just waiting for the Beliebers to start a protest.

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This one couldn’t be more inaccurate.  Anyone who’s anyone knows this is a picture of Benjamin Button, who’s actually about 8 not 76. How Microsoft got this one wrong, no one will ever know.

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 12.22.56 PMFinally, 4E decided to test out the program on a picture of some of our very own bloggers.  We just loved the Hilltop so much that we stayed a few extra years, we’re just redefining being a “super senior”.

So go ahead and try out Microsoft’s new tool.  But please, don’t get insulted if it seems to think you’re about 20 years older than you actually are…

Source: fourtune.com, the guardian.com
Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, internetvideoarchive.com, georgetown.edu, facebook.com, gannett.com, perezhilton.com, fccst.com 

An Open Letter to the Heckler

Toddy Boy

Hey Heckler staff,

Wikipedia defines “Journalism ethics and standards” as “the principles of ethics and of good practice as applicable to the specific challenges faced by journalists. Historically and currently… [blah blah blah etc] most [codes] share common elements including the principles of – truthfulness, accuracy, objectivity,” and the rest don’t matter because I’ve made my point. OBJECTIVITY.

As a major source of campus happenings for the student body, you are responsible for maintaining careful journalistic integrity and objectivity in your posts. Who can forget the Tom Brokaw-reminiscent musings of “Desperate Mitt Romney Announces ‘Believe in Georgetown’ Campaign for GUSA”? I sure can’t.

But the recent spate of Todd Olson-centered posts have me foaming at the mouth, and not just because the Starbucks barista went overboard with my latte. What’s up with all of these pro-Todd Olson posts? I think that I speak for the student body when I say that we want answers and we want them now. Continuing this strange charade of posts violates every aspect of student autonomy that we at 4E strive for.

So if you have any respect for the tenets of freedom that this school – nay, that America – was founded on, then I demand to you, staff of the Heckler: TEAR DOWN THIS WALL [OF LIES AND TELL US THE TRUTH BEHIND THESE TODD-OLSON-RELATED POSTS]!!!

Best,

4E

Photo: blogspot.com