To the Misunderstood Majors

It’s that time of year again, when a whole new cohort of sophomores sets out to choose which major they want to cry over for two more years. Each department picks out its best outfit and lines, naive enough to think they’ll have a chance of beating government but quickly humbled by the lack of phone calls asking for a second Leo’s date. Don’t worry, this stops today — this is a list made for all of the majors pushed aside and hidden from the limelight, like a freshman in Darnall. This is for you: 

To Classics:

You may be ancient, but you have aged like fine wine. A true classic beauty that some would even say resembles the likeness of a Greek god. Given a little consideration, students will Rome in flocks to meet you on the third floor of Healy — to heal your broken heart. 

To American Musical Culture: 

You’ve been a little bit out of tune, huh? Don’t worry — no one noticed with your great composer. Always remember, you AmeriCAN get those prospective newcomers. 

To Linguistics: 

You may need to work on your communication. Once you learn to not overanalyze, the conversations will seem a lot less daunting, and I alphaBET you’ll be number one!

To Theater and Performance Studies: 

We know you don’t play around, so it’s no act when we say you hold a special place in our hearts and deserve all of our props. The talent you craft is a gift curtsy of your amazing faculty, tied together with the perfect bow. 

To Computer Science:

You’re on this list because you software your heart on your sleeve but are still looking for that someone to find the key to it. Hint: It’s QWERTY. Get ready for the influx of applications and try not to file too many away. They may call the MSBros snakes, but we all know you’re the real python.

To Physics:

In no way are you an absolute zero, but for sure a solid seven and a half. Some stand out qualities: you give off great energy, you care about what matters, you’ve never broken a law, you love a good jam session to “Free Fallin’” and they don’t call you the Big Bang for nothing!

Guy Consolmagno: He’s Cooler Than You Think

guyconsolmagnoOK, so he didn’t say that. Kanye said that. But Brother Consolmagno is still “way more fresher” than you think. From eavesdropping on two seniors on Car Barn’s patio and reading Mug’s FML board, I’ve come to realize some seniors are a bit peeved at or just confused by the College’s decision to invite Brother Guy Consolmagno to be the guest speaker at commencement. Many college seniors just can’t understand what a Vatican astronomer could possibly say to a bunch of American college graduates.

Some of us hypothesized that Guy was just really into inspirational, sidereal sayings (hell yeah I just typed “pertaining to stars” into Google):

But the 4E thinks we’re all selling Brother Guy a bit short because one time we saw him on the Colbert Report.


He’s so cute! And it seems like he’s really going to say something substantive along the lines of, “Chill out guys, we’re pretty insignificant anyways.” Or hopefully it will be a bit more motivational, like, “LOOK AT THE STARS! THEY’RE INCREDIBLE! THE UNIVERSE IS AMAZING! BE HUMBLED! BE THANKFUL!” I’m sure he’ll be a bit more eloquent but you get the idea: This is going to be a great speech, so don’t get down on yourself that Bradley Cooper isn’t coming. He recently became the Hulk anyway.

We hope on commencement day the stars align and Brother Consolmagno’s speech is as heavenly as the bodies above.