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DSR Defected: How to Cope

DSR

As you probably know, star basketball player D’Vauntes Smith-Rivera has put his name in to the NBA draft with an agent, forfeiting his senior year NCAA eligibility. While most bloggers speculate that he will play in Europe next year, Hoya faithful are both happy for him and heartbroken over his departure. Here are a few ways to cope with your grief.

Delete your profile pictures with him
That selfie you took from your seat in Section 403 at the Villanova game with the jumbotron in the background? Yeah, it counts.

Dye your hair back to its original color
That orange Mohawk means nothing anymore.

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Miss key assignments at the end of the semester
No love = no reason to continue studying.

Throw out his mixtape.
Yeah he spun some sick beats. So what? You don’t need the constant reminder of how he rocked that gold chain.

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Remove his phone number from your contacts so you don’t text him
You should probably unfollow him on Twitter, too.

Find a new player with a fun nickname
Some suggestions? Tre Campbell = Tre bae bae. Issac Copeland = Ike. Use your imagination.

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Avoid the places where you spent such sweet time with him
Verizon Center is officially off-limits.

Turn your tattoo of him into a lion
Your right bicep doesn’t have to be tainted forever.

Even if you take all of these preventative measures, we know the loss is going to be tough. Remember that we have a strong group of rising sophomores returning to the team and a decent recruiting class for next year. Until then, good luck DSR. We’ll really *sniff* miss you.

Photos: Instagram, Twitter.com (@CasualHoya), lion-tattoo.com, bannersontheparkway.com

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Front Page Fakeout: Corp begins taking orders at new tattoo parlor service, CORP INK

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The Corp has recently announced that it is merging its existing printing service to include a new service, Corp Ink. This new storefront will offer Georgetown students a convenient on-campus location to get tattoos in lieu of getting them out in the greater Washington, D.C. area. The Corp, while best known for its coffee and bagels, has been making strides to diversify the types of services that it offers. Corp Ink has already begun taking orders and has offered its first 20 customers a 50% discount off their tattoos for serving as training subjects for the new fully student-run staff.

When interviewed, an anonymous new staff member at Corp Ink stated, “I don’t really know anything about tattoos or design, but I got rejected from UG and Vittles so I figured this was my next best alternative. I’m just here to learn!”

Corp Ink will be open Sunday-Wednesday in the afternoons and will be open with extended hours until 4 a.m. on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. A representative from Corp Marketing stated:  “After doing the research, we learned that 68 percent of the tattoos administered in the United States were done so between the hours of 1 a.m. and 4 a.m. Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. We are still stumped as to why this is, but we are conducting more research to look into this inexplicable trend.”

Some of the most popular orders Corp Ink has already received are the famous Georgetown “G”, J.J eating a balloon, the classic lower back butterfly and a variety of Chinese characters that reportedly translate to “kumquat”, “chapstick”, and “otter.” (We at The Fourth Edition believe that these meanings were not the intention of the customer but will be permanently etched onto their skin anyway)

 

Notice: Front Page Fakeout is a parody post in which a 4E writer takes a story from the front page of The Hoya and puts an exaggerated and false spin on it. The Front Page Fakeout uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.