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How to Survive the Clownpocalypse

How to Survive the Clownpocalypse

Over the years, American civilization has encountered several major threats to its ongoing existence, such as terrorism, climate change and infectious diseases. Today, there is a new danger on the horizon: the Clownpocalypse.

Basically

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last four days, allow me to explain. Across the nation, cities, neighborhood communities, and college campuses have been terrorized by machete-carrying, child-luring, simply horrifying clowns. Feeling freaked out and unprepared? Follow these tips to help you survive if/when the clowns arrive at Georgetown.

1. Use the Buddy System
Do not even think about leaving your room alone. Going to Leo’s? Bring a buddy. Going to Yates?  Let’s be honest, probably not. Going to Lau? Bring a buddy. Going to the bathroom? BRING A BUDDY. A clown will be less likely to approach you if you are in pairs, and on the off chance one does, you will also have a human sacrifice handy to allow for your own quick escape.

2. Exercise your Second Amendment right
I don’t care what it is. Pepper spray. A knife. A rifle (maybe not a rifle…). A baseball bat. Clown repellent. It doesn’t matter. Just arm yourself ASAP because these clowns do not mess around. Maybe even consider calling your dad back about that self defense class he suggested you take before college. It could come in handy.

3. If you see something, say something
I’m not one to advocate for clown profiling, but if you see anything that even resembles one of these mask-wearing reincarnations of Lucifer you better say something. Tell your floor mates. File a report on LiveSafe. Call GUPD. Organize a press conference. Whatever it takes to get the word out.

4. Master the art of disguise
This one is fool proof. Carry around a clown mask with you at all times, and if you happen to see a clown quickly put it on and pretend your one of his/her friends. They’ll never know.

5. Accept your death
If you failed to follow any of my aforementioned tips this is really your only option. It’s been nice knowing you.

Now that you have 4E’s official guide to surviving the Clownpocalypse, go forth my friends and stay safe in these trying times.

Images: giphy.com, https://bit.ly/2dv6Hv1

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4E’s Declassified Freshman Survival Guide: Dorm Perks

Banner - Dorm PerksAt this point in the summer, every freshman’s parents are probably crying every day – partly because they are facing the dreaded empty nest, but mostly because tuition is due. You aren’t crying though, because you’re ready to be a Hoya, and Hoyas aren’t allowed to cry (except for in Red Square, the free speech zone on campus).

mom cries

In any case, you probably have a lot of unanswered questions. 4E has answers, in our latest installment:

***4E’s Declassified Freshman Survival Guide***

cookie lol
So you don’t look like this ^

Today’s topic is Freshman Dorm Room Perks. Every freshman dorm has different perks, and it’s important to know what they are so you can manipulate and take full advantage of your ~friends’~ rooms.

cooper wink

New South: No, your radiator definitely doesn’t heat the room, but did you know it doubles as a table? In most rooms, the front shell of the radiator pops off easily. Lay it across two chairs to make a table sturdier than the ones at our dining hall. Gold medalist water pong players always have humble beginnings.

Bonus: Your room has its own sink! Close the drain and fill the sink up with water. Plop a goldfish in there and voila: you’ve got yourself an aquarium.

VCW: The AC system here is surprisingly functional. Forgo the mini-fridge purchase; you can literally turn your room into a walk-in refrigerator if you set the temperature accordingly. In the rare case that your AC breaks, you can set your shower to extreme temperatures – simply turning it on can change the temperature of your room in just minutes.

freezing

Bonus:  In the case you don’t like the people who live directly below you, just flush the toilet (if you’re lucky, their room will fill with sewage).

Harbin: The notoriously difficult Harbin RAs are out for blood. However, you can use the cluster-style to your advantage! Close off your cluster’s door properly and you can create an impenetrable fortress for fiestas free from RAs.

Bonus: The upper several floors of Harbin have some of the best views among the freshman dorms. Some rooms can see the National Cathedral and the Washington Monument! Others can see the dumpster right behind the building where Bill Clinton’s trash was once thrown out!

Darnall: As you may have heard, Darnall has twin beds, rather than twin XL beds. Depending on what way you look at it, this gives you 5 MORE INCHES for activities.

ferrell drums

Bonus: You live on top of Epi, the 24-hour eatery that is every student’s go-to place at 3 a.m. Getting there and back for a late-night snack couldn’t be easier.

VCE: Call the housing office and request to move. The only positive thing is that the elevator tends to move fastest here out of all the freshman dorms. Possibly because nobody dares enter VCE.

Bonus:                                (this area intentionally left blank)

cocohead

More to come next time on 4E’s Declassified.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, georgetownuniversity.com, tumblr.com

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Soundtrack to Your Finals

c1f22669If you’re reading this, then a BIG congratulations is in order!  You’ve made it through the first half of finals, and are still somewhat alive thanks to the amount of caffeine flooding your bloodstream this very moment.  There’s only a few days left to power through exams and papers before it’s all over and you’re lounging around, enjoying the summer.

While you’re surely relieved that this finals season torture is coming to a close, finding the motivation to keep pushing forward can seem difficult.  The weather is great, the sun is shining and for some reason your econ textbook just couldn’t seem duller.  To make matters worse, your notes from class are actually illegible and you have no idea what your professor was lecturing on for about half of the semester.  The stress is building, and you’re starting to doubt your ability to cram four months worth of material into 24 hours of studying.  More than anything 4E knows that finals are an emotional roller coaster, the likes of which could be put to music to accurately capture all of the ups and downs.

Here is 4E’s “Soundtrack to Your Finals”:

1. One Man Can Change the World (Big Sean Ft. Kanye West & John Legend): Yes, it’s true you can change the world!  You’re feeling really motivated to start studying for your bio exam, and hey, maybe pushing yourself a little harder will lead you to find a cure for cancer.  Well, probably not… but a good grade in the course is worth it too.

2. Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day): Studying is not going well. You know nothing. Forget trying to cure cancer, you’re just trying to pass at this point.

3. I Hate College (Sam Adams): You’ve never hated anything any more. Forget keg stands and parties, college is just a never ending amount of work which no one ever seems to write songs about.

4. The Middle (Jimmy Eat World): You have some salvageable notes from class, and you attended most some lectures.  If you really focus you know that you can learn the material, it just takes some time but everything will be just fine.

5. I Won’t Back Down (Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers): Finals won’t intimidate you.  You’re finally making progress and the information is starting to click.  Only 6 more chapters to get through!

6. The Climb (Miley Cyrus): This has been the longest day ever, but look how far you’ve come!  When you sat down to study hours ago you didn’t even know what DNA is, and now you definitely know way too much.  Regardless, you should be proud that you’ve managed to make some sort of progress.

7. Closing Time (Semisonic): You’ve been in Lau for over 12 hours and your exam is at 9 AM.  It’s time to go home and attempt to get at least a few hours of sleep before you have to face the inevitable.

8. Power (Kanye West): It’s the morning of the final and you’re ready.  The proctor hands out your exam but you’re not intimidated.  The clock’s ticking, but you’ve got the power of knowledge on your side.  ***Note: We recommend listening to this song on the 10 hour loop.

9. Shake It Off (Taylor Swift): It’s over.  You’re done.  Shake off any worries you have and reward yourself with a nap, snack, Netflix binge, etc.

10. Corona and Lime (Shwayze): Some time after decompressing it’ll hit you that it’s finally summer.  Celebrate!  Go crazy!  School’s out and you deserve a drink!

Best of luck on the remainder of your finals, Hoyas!  Just remember that you’ve only got a few more days of living in a Lau cubicle with limited human interaction before you’re free for the summer.

Photos/gifs: reactiongifs.com, giphy.com, tumblr.com, 

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How to Survive Black Friday Shopping

Black FridaySo, you’ve decided to shop on Black Friday. You’re doing one of those activities, something that will be miserable during the event itself but will give you mad bragging rights later, like a presidential inauguration or being awake for a sunrise. Unless of course, you are of those people who loves the thrill of chasing after the perfect dress with the added challenge of overwhelming crowds. This may be the only time you are at risk for “death by trampling,” so watch out.

All of that being said, if you are going in, you better do it right. Here are a few tips to help you survive a dark – but hopefully fruitful – Black Friday.

Plan ahead – Think Dora the Explorer’s Map. It would be ideal if this map could speak, preferably in some variation of entertaining banter, and help guide you from store to store, section to section, steal to steal. Hitting the streets without a game plan is like walking into a wall-to-wall crowded Steve Madden store blindfolded. It may seem thrilling, but once you are tripping in your must-have 20% off shoes and rubbing elbows with the nearby elderly woman, you will be asking yourself why this ever seemed like a funny idea.

Be aggressive – For those of you who haven’t seen the Friends scene where Monica shops for her wedding dress, watch it. For those of you who have, channel Monica’s aggressive, stop-for-nothing “baditude.” Remember, other shoppers are only as scared of you as you are of them. Just kidding, that only applies to rats on Georgetown’s campus. If you want to be the shopper on top, you have to act like the shopper on top. See the store as your very own Hunger Games arena. Stop at nothing. This is not a friendly team exercise.

Use the buddy system – Black Friday shopping may not be a friendly team exercise, but that doesn’t mean you have to fly solo. Create a buddy system and stick to it. Have check-in points, hold hands, whisper sweet nothings to each other: whatever it takes to provide each other moral support and willpower to get through the day. When selecting a buddy, make sure you choose someone who isn’t afraid to take a swing at a fellow BFS (Black Friday Shopper) for you.

Snack, snack, snack – Shopping is work. Just ask anybody who has spent more than 10 minutes shopping ever. Not only are snacks necessary for fuel, but they also help fill your emotional needs when crying over a missed deal and/or feeling overwhelmed by all the aggressiveness around you. Why can’t we all just be friends? Because there is only one dress in your size left. Instead of breaking down, stuff your face with cookies, bubble tea or whatever helps you connect with your inner shopper. But be warned, if you overdo this, trying on tight clothing may be a bit of a struggle.

If you follow these tips, you are sure to have the best possible Black Friday experience. Before you know it, you will be rocking those sick new threads back on the Hilltop. Happy Thanksgiving Hoyas, and best of luck!

Photo: Al Fresco
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Georgetown Fall Epidemics: Weather, Fashion and Other Horrific Plagues

Fall EpidemicsIt’s that time of the year again, Hoyas: Georgetown is being plagued by the autumn and fall epidemics of every sort are spreading like Chicken Finger Thursday madness, and there isn’t anything we can do to stop them. I have nobly taken it upon myself to guide you through this insanity with some survival tips! I’ve compiled a list of the top four worst epidemics, so let’s go through them together and hopefully make it out alive:

Fall Weather Epidemic The winds are changing – literally. If you haven’t noticed the drastic difference in weather, look up: Between the dark, looming clouds, the chilled winds and that week of incessant rain that pounded the Hilltop (although that could have easily been the birds and insects crying over D.C., lamenting the government shutdown), it’s clear that D.C. weather has arrived. The weather may have been nice today, but don’t be fooled! D.C. Fall Weather Epidemic comes and goes faster than you can say, “Oh, look! The catastrophic rain stopped!” Just know that surviving these fall weather disasters is all about mindset. Be confident in your sweaters and umbrellas, move quickly when outdoors and don’t let that hurricane-level wind tunnel between Healy and Copley knock you down!

October Midterm Epidemic When your friends at other universities ask you when you have midterms and you reply, “forever,” you know that you’re caught up in the October Midterm Epidemic. Here at Georgetown, we don’t really have “midterm season”. Midterms begin at the beginning of October and continue until finals start. Unfortunately, every Hoya must trudge through weeks of studying, writing and testing until their fingers are bruised from typing, their notebooks are ruined by the tears and their pencils and spirits have broken. But, wait, there’s hope! Surviving midterms is difficult if you make it difficult. Keep calm, study early and don’t get caught on Lau 2 at 3 a.m. talking about all the work you need to do but aren’t doing.

The Flu Epidemic You didn’t think I would forget about actual epidemics, did you? I know as well as you do that the flu is not a game, but if it were we would all lose. In the middle of the October Midterm Epidemic, the Flu Epidemic would surely destroy us all. Nobody looks forward to taking their midterms or stays up all night studying with a smile on their face, so imagine how unproductive we would be with the flu on top of everything else! In order to skirt this terrible epidemic, stay on top of your health game. Also, make sure you drop by Yates on Oct. 22nd, Oct. 30th, Nov. 7th, Nov. 13th, or Nov. 19th at the designated hours to get your free vaccination – holla!

Georgetown Fall Fashion Epidemic Goodbye to Nantucket Red, hello thrift store flannel (Blog editor Lindsay Lee is rejoicing)! Because of this epidemic, every Hoya and their Jesuit father will start swapping their flashy summer garb for something more suitable for the temperature. To survive, blend in with the crowd: say goodbye to your favorite pair of shorts and cover those gams with something a bit warmer. Maybe dust off that winter coat you never unpacked from your move-in day luggage bag. But, here’s my favorite tip: it’s officially in-style to dress for comfort, which means comfy pajamas (my specialty), over-sized scarves and ugly sweaters are a go! However, make sure to avoid peacoats and artisan woolen socks: these are tell-tale signs that you are doing too much and need to do less … or you will face being sucked in to the epidemic.

That’s all of the epidemics for now! If you see me out there owning these epidemics, I’ll be the sleep-starved, brain-fried one in flannel pajamas finally done with his midterms crying over his flu shot and avoiding the outdoor weather at all costs. Hopefully, I’ll see you surviving as well! Keep calm and good luck!

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Survive Spring Break 2012

Spring Break 2012 officially begins with the end of class this Friday, and many of you are leaving town for the beach, ocean, and spring break experience. While the image of lying in the sun sipping a pre-paid drink surrounded by thousands of other college spring breakers probably comes to mind, be forewarned that there is a reason this trip tends to be once in a lifetime. Your week will be one for the books, but that means making it back to Georgetown alive. Here’s a list of useful tips I wish I had  last year at this time, pre-Punta Cana:

  • Bring as many granola bars, bagels, and other packable snacks as possible. Do this, or you will probably be drinking on an empty stomach for the majority of your week. Feeding the college spring breakers tends to be far from the resorts’ top priority, so do yourself and your stomach a favor and bring a good amount of your own food.
  • Buy your suntan lotion before leaving. Unless you want to spend all of your money the first day on lotion, buy some at a pharmacy in D.C. The resorts know that they are your last option and can get away with charging obscene amounts. Also think about bringing some aloe — there’s a good chance someone on the trip is going to wake up with a wicked sunburn.
  • Make your first purchase a jumbo jug of water. It’s a safe bet that the water at your resort is not drinkable (and trust me, better safe than sorry). Leave this out before going out for the night as a reminder to drink that and not the water from your sink when you get back.
  • Bring your cheapest pair of sunglasses. You will lose them.