The time of year for maxed-out credit cards, wrapping paper and enormous lines at stores is upon us. Soon the turkey and stuffing will be gone and only a nice memory will remain to get you through the biggest game of the year: Black Friday.
Black Friday has evolved from a way to buy presents cheap into a full-on battle of one’s wits. No one is safe at a store on this godforsaken morning.
While I will not be participating in this sacred event, I have had enough experience to describe this event pretty well.
Last year, 4E brought you How to Survive Black Friday tips, which hopefully you all have looked over and studied hard. There is no way you will survive this event without the proper study session.
The five people you will meet on Black Friday
1. The overeager soccer mom
This is the classic Black Friday visitor. Suburban moms love to not spend a million-and-a-half dollars on gifts for the precious children. Sometimes even the overeager suburban dad can be spotted — truly a wild species. Nonetheless, watch out for these ones. They might seem nice and sweet, but the second you grab something they want you will be public enemy numero uno.
2. The hungover 20-something
Thanksgiving is not only an eating holiday for the 21+ club. Sometimes spending time with estranged relatives is just not easily done without some liquid courage. (Note: 4E does not promote using alcohol to avoid family members.) Despite whatever happened the night before, these young people will not give up the chance to buy cheap gifts as the lack-of-income game is strong with these ones. Throw them off by shouting the words “vodka” or “whiskey” really loud. Those words will be like knives in their stomachs.
3. The optimistic preteen
Most people have their first Black Friday experience during those formative preteen years. The taste of freedom is real and they are so naïve to the reality of this holiday. Don’t worry, they will realize soon enough that this is not an event for the weak. Word of advice? Watch your feet. These people are small and will probably try to sneak under you when you are not looking.
4. The clueless son/boyfriend/husband
While there are probably some male specimens that enjoy shopping and fighting with a group of women over a pair of Steven Madden wedges, I have personally never found one. The only men I have seen on Black Friday have either been acting as bodyguards or blockades or are sitting drinking Starbucks in the food court.
5. The pissed-off employee
While you might be upset that you have to deal with people and lines, you have no idea what the employees of these stores have to go through! You think you “woke up early”? These angels probably never went to bed. To avoid issues, get on their good sides. They know where all the goods are and might even give you special treatment for being a kind soul (probably not, but it is worth a try).
These are the people to look out for, so prepare yourself. Play the 4E Black Friday playlist, bundle up and, more than anything, stay calm.
Gifs: https://www.popsugar.com/fashion/Black-Friday-Shopping-GIFs-32560869; https://jinglebells333.tumblr.com/post/27713122430/saturday-mornings-massively-hungover
Photos: https://bullhorn.nationofchange.org/black_friday_blue_laws; https://www.annarbor.com/business-review/watch-black-friday-shoppers-rush-ann-arbor-target-store/