Dy(e)ing During the COVID-19 Pandemic

Do you feel bad about stagnating during a global pandemic? Feel like your life has been on pause for the past year? Have you had no time for self-improvement, focusing all your energy on surviving each cursed day? That is totally fine! Hustle culture is toxic, and sometimes you need to focus on yourself, even if that means doing the bare minimum.

However, taking a step back also means you must contend with the fact that some people are just better than you. And that’s okay too! For instance, my multitalented coworker, Lincoln Le, has discussed his newfound love for cooking. Have you explored your unknown, yet deep-seated passion for cooking? No. But Lincoln has, and he’s a better person because of it.

This is you.
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It’s always great to hear that someone is thriving, but a little part of you has to also internalize the fact that these people are simply better than you. You’re probably reading this article on your couch, in sweats, munching on Hot Cheetos or something.

Am I overusing “Saturday Night Live” gifs? Maybe.
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You know what Lincoln is doing? Cooking a delicious Michelin-star meal. And me? I’m dyeing. And I don’t mean any of that hippie crap, tie-dyeing. I mean, real, honest, American dyeing.

To Lincoln, cooking has been his release. For me, it’s been dyeing. Here is my story.

Kourtney was talking about me.
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It all started a couple years ago — 21 years ago, in fact. One fateful March day, I was born. Twenty years later, as I was browsing the heavy machinery at Home Depot (as one does), I stumbled upon some Dickies painter pants with a friend. We bought one each, and I wore them occasionally. They were stiff and baggy, standing out in my wardrobe as some sort of ’90s relic. Even after a dozen washes, they were stiffer than gluten-free pancakes.

But then, I had a revelation. My white painter’s pants were no longer just baggy, semi-hipster pants. They were the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and I was Michelangelo. Armed with clothing dye, some salt and a huge pot, I was ready to create my masterpiece:

Pot.
MATTEO LAUTO FOR THE HOYA

Step 1: I boiled some water. Not just any water, though. It was heavily salted (I’m talking like a cup and a half of salt) and soapy. Once the concoction was at a boil, I added the dye, which is when the magic began.

Step 2: Once the dye was added and mixed thoroughly, it was time for the most important ingredient. I popped those pants into the delicious stew.

Pants in pot with dye.
MATTEO LAUTO FOR THE HOYA

The trick is that you want to make sure you are stirring the pants as much as possible. I really embraced my inner forest witch — the pot was no longer full of pants and dye; it was my potion to turn unsuspecting children into my pet cats.

After about half an hour, the pants were ready to be rinsed. I dropped those bad boys under running water to expel the excess dye until the water ran clear. Then BAM, they’re ready to be worn. I did it! I started a new hobby and gained a new skill during the pandemic. My superiority reigns far and wide. Have fun lounging on your couch, rotting away, readers. I am simply better than you AND I have cute pants to wear.

I have a god complex now.
MATTEO LAUTO FOR THE HOYA

Header Image: PAPER AND STITCH

25 Things That Lasted Longer Than Pete and Ariana’s Relationship

Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande have broken up. I can’t say I’m surprised, but at the same time, I am. On the bright side, it beats Kim Kardashian’s 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries.

Here are 20 things that have lasted longer than Pete and Ari’s fleeting engagement:

  1. The time it takes for Royal Jacket to give me my pre-made sandwich
  2. Brett Kavanaugh’s FBI investigation
  3. My good mood after a night at Grand Central
  4. Walmart Yodeling Kid’s career
  5. “Big Bootie 14”
  6. The “I’m gonna go to Yates every Monday, Wednesday and Friday” phase after New Year’s
  7. A macro lecture with Prof. Carol Rogers
  8. That period of time when clowns killed people
  9. A late-night Snapchat from a ~lonely boy~ at 2 a.m.
  10. The moment of silence for that person who drops their food in downstairs Leo’s
  11. Any friendship made at a sweaty NSO party
  12. The lifespan of the Wisey’s rat
  13. A nap after an SAE darty
  14. iPhone X battery life
  15. Random fire alarms in Lau during finals season
  16. A leftover Epi quesadilla
  17. The time it took for Lil Wayne to drop his album
  18. A basic Instagram Boomerang in front of Healy on a sunny day
  19. The flavor of Wisey’s Oreo cookies
  20.  Any Vil A rooftop party
  21. The time it takes for the Copley elevator to go from the first floor to the second
  22. The Ice Bucket Challenge trend
  23.  Kim K’s botox
  24.  A hug with Jack the Bulldog
  25.  That time you were pre-med

Sources: giphy.com, wireimage.com

SNL Hits Your Smartphones

SNL

As many of you may know, the 40th Anniversary Special of Saturday Night Live was last night. 40 years of such comedy legends as Amy Poehler, Will Ferrell, Eddie Murphy and so many others.

We here at 4E are huge SNL fans, and were delighted to hear about an app that was released just this past Thursday. The free app, simply called “SNL”, is available for both iOS and Android (sorry, Motorola Razr owners) and gives you easy access to over 5000 clips from 800 glorious episodes.

You can access these clips by searching for specific seasons or specific types of clips (parodies, music videos), and the clips themselves will rotate as new episodes come out. There are also SNL-themed emojis, which sound amazing.

So get this app, and get your fix of SNL before (or after) you check out the anniversary special tomorrow on NBC, starting 8:00 pm and lasting until 11:30 pm.

Thanks to Hello Giggles for the info!

Photos: hellogiggles.com, fastcodesigns.com

‘SNL’ Takes a Jab at Ebola Czar Ron Klain

ron klain

This week’s “Saturday Night Live” cold open mocked President Barack Obama and his administration’s response to the Ebola crisis, including a special appearance from his newly appointed “Ebola czar.”

Adjunct professor Ron Klain (CAS ’83) made headlines last week when Obama designated him as coordinator of the federal government’s response to Ebola. Klain (a former member of The Hoya) portrayed in the skit by “SNL” cast member Taran Killam, wasn’t exactly portrayed in the most positive light, but the clip is still worth watching.

Check it out for yourself:

Don’t let “SNL” get you down, Ron. We still love you.

Seth Meyers Nailed It At GW

Seth MeyersA few months ago, we received word that legendary Saturday Night Live writer and Weekend Update host Seth Meyers would be doing a show at George Washington University in October for their parents’ weekend (part of some nonnegotiable contract, probably). A few Georgetown students decided to purchase these coveted tickets to see the great comedian and current Late Night host.

He nailed it. For almost 90 minutes, Seth Meyers owned the stage, captured the audience and absolutely nailed all of his jokes. He also taught us a lot of valuable life lessons. Here are a few.

We really do have a lot to worry about here in America.

“We worry about Isis, we worry about Ebola. We worry about Isis getting Ebola and using it as a weapon. We worry about everyone except Isis getting Ebola. Isis really needs to pick a name – they are way less intimidating if you can’t decide whether to call them ‘Isis’ or ‘The Islamic State’ or ‘Elsa’ or whatever. Also, if you see Isis don’t tell them I made a joke about them.”

Obama doesn’t need us.

“I think Obama is ready to be done being president. He doesn’t need the love of the American people. Bill Clinton – he needed the love of the American people. If he could be president again today, he would. George W. Bush might still think he’s president. To make the transition easier for him, they probably told him that he could continue doing the job from Texas.”

Not everyone was happy about Bin Laden’s death.    

“Obama is tough to make fun of because he’s really self-aware, but at the White House Correspondent’s dinner I really nailed it. I felt so good about it, and I thought that I would be all over the news on Monday morning; I was just hoping no big news would break over the weekend.

Of course I turn on the news Monday morning and see that we f**king murdered Osama Bin Laden. Honestly, I was so pissed. Like, we chased the guy for 10 f**king years and they had to pick THAT day to finally kill him?

But I do have a theory about this to make myself feel better: I think that Obama knew that I was going to get all the attention, so he assembled all his advisors and was like, ‘Hey, we need to do something, I don’t want jokes about me to be on Monday morning news’, and they were like, ‘Oh, we could kill Bin Laden’ and he said, ‘Do it.’ So, you’re welcome America.”

Paris is tricky.

“I dated my wife for a long time before I finally proposed to her, and by year 4 she was getting really antsy about a ring. For her birthday that year, I suggested we go to Prague but she insisted on Paris. We were walking on a bridge and I dropped my passport. I realized that it would have been easier to kick the passport into the water and say ‘Well, we live in Paris now’ than to get down on one knee in the middle of Paris and come up without a ring in my hand.”

People who live abroad are insufferable.                                                      

“They come back and all they talk about is how great it was wherever they lived and how terrible it is here in the United States. They feel the need to show off their new language and insert words randomly into conversation – after dinner they’ll say, “Goodnight, goodnight, buonanotte, WHAT? Wow, why did I just say that? Oh yea, because I lived in Italy last semester!”

Don’t tell me that doesn’t sound a little like one of your study abroad friends (we say it with love!).

So Seth, thanks for teaching me more real life things in your 90-minute show than I’ve learned all year. Saturday Night Live isn’t the same without you.

Photo: eonline.com

Your Friend John Mulaney Has a New Show

mulaneyJohn Mulaney, who graduated from the College in 2004, has a self-titled show that is premiering tonight at 9:30 p.m. on Fox. Sure you know that Bill Clinton and Bradley Cooper attended Georgetown, but you’re only a true Hoya if you know this guy, our own lanky little gem.

Prior to working on this show, Mulaney wrote for “Saturday Night Live” where he co-created the character Stefon with actor Bill Hader. Whoa. SPICY. Mulaney also does incredible stand-up. You must see his skit, New in Town. Here’s a short clip of it.

Whenever I watch this clip, I wonder if the perfume story happened somewhere on N Street or in Burleith:

So he’s hysterical and he makes us proud to be Hoyas. And now he has a show called “Mulaney.” The Twitter-verse is chattering, including two former Hoyas. Mike Birbiglia (COL ’00), a big-shot comic in his own right, weighed in:

Nick Kroll (COL ’01), a comedian and actor who wrote for the Chapelle Show, played “the douche” on “Parks and Rec,” Ruxin on “The League,” and created and stars in the “Kroll Show” (along with Mulaney), also chimed in:


We’re glad to see funny Hoyas sticking together and hustling the world for all it’s worth.

If “Mulaney” is anywhere close to being as funny as Stefon or the comedian’s stand up, we’ll all be living the #blessed life. Just make sure to let everyone know that this dude is a Hoya. John Mulaney is the Hoya we all wish we could be. Congrats, you little fat girl.