Totally Absurd Christmas Gifts

absurdgifts

Tired of giving your friends and family members the standard, generic Christmas gifts: jewelry, gift cards, food, clothes? This year, get a little more creative with some totally absurd presents. You can be completely sure that your acquaintances won’t have – and probably have never heard of – any of these gifts. Here is 4E’s list of unique and novel gift ideas that even the most picky loved/tolerated person on your list will appreciate and use forever.

Facebook Finder

This nifty device will notify you whenever a Facebook friend is within 2 miles of you. Stalking your exes just got a lot easier. Instead of looking through their photos (and those of the girls/boys they’re tagged with) you can go find them and actually physically stalk them. Goodbye sanity, hello psychiatrist!

The Tie Tie-r

Tired of wasting precious time tying your tie every single morning (and some nights)? Buy that friend or family member this device with settings to make all the crucial knots – Eldredge, Tulip, Trinity – in about 10 minutes!

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Solar Powered Flashlight

How often are you outside in broad daylight wishing you had a powerful flashlight? Simply push the “on” button to harness the energy of the solar system’s most powerful star into a hand-held beam that shines with the same brightness as a blubber lamp. Must have access to direct sunlight to be effective.

Cargo Shorts Kit

Love cargo shorts, but hate the bulky pockets? This kit gives you the best of both worlds. The khaki slightly-below-the-knee-length shorts feature strips of Velcro on the side of each leg, allowing you to add the included fake pockets (piece of fabric resembling a pocket) in whatever design, ratio or even shape that you desire. Kit comes in a variety of colors and themes including camouflage, Hello Kitty and Disney princesses. The perfect gift for anyone on your list!

Remote Control for iPhone 6

Ever want to change the song or check social media but don’t feel like taking out your cell phone to do so? Use this remote control instead. Roughly the size of the ancient relic known as “the iPhone 4s,” this remote will fit conveniently in your other pocket and allow you to control your new iPhone 6 with just a few taps.

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Left: iPhone 6. Right: Size of iPhone 6 remote.

Relationship Scoreboard

This computerized device will keep track of everything you argue about in your relationship: Who forgot to do their chores? Who had the last sassy remark? Who made a mean comment? Fights will be more productive than ever and revenge will be surprisingly easy. Warning: may cause deterioration of relationship.

 

Recipients of these gifts have deemed them “life changing” and “what gets me out of bed in the morning.”

When asked if they recommend the gifts, people on the internet said:

“The Cargo Shorts Kit saved my marriage.”

“Thanks to the Tie Tie-r, tying my tie is knot a problem.”

“I saw a commercial for the Facebook Finder while I was in prison and immediately sought parole so I could get one ASAP.”

Hurry up and get these gifts before they’re sold out and everyone’s lives are ruined forever.

Photos:  agreeordie.comwww.gottabemobile.com; https://www.theguardian.com/money/2011/nov/05/christmas-shopping-rights-return 

Walking in a D.C. Wonderland

Holiday SpiritThe final stretch is finally here! Christmas break is on the horizon and only a week or so stands between us and home-cooked meals, Netflix, cookies, presents and home-cooked meals… Did I say home-cooked meals already?

But why wait to get in the Christmas spirit? There is no point: It is physically, mentally and seasonally impossible to get through finals without a little holiday cheer. As a smart elf once said, “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!”

However, this advice might be bit faulty. In fact, 4E doesn’t advocate going to Lau at this time of year to sing Christmas carols. (Nonetheless, it’s finals time, so you do what you need to do.) There are plenty of places in D.C. where Georgetown students can experience some holiday warmth and cheer. So go, be merry: It’s Christmas time!

Waterfront Ice Skating The ice skating rink on the Georgetown waterfront is a great way to waste time and get in the Christmas spirit. Don’t forget to snap a few pics and sing some holiday songs. Props go to those who dress up for the occasion.

National Christmas Tree This is the perfect place to take in the beauty of D.C. and the magic of Christmas. It is a fantastic photo op. Also, did I mention that it’s really, really pretty? Much better than the one in your dorm room.

Zoo Lights THIS IS FREE, so go to it. Every year the National Zoo presents a beautiful display of light sculptures. They also sell holiday treats, which is a reason in itself to go. In addition, this year’s slogan is “It’s wild; It’s free!” In other words, there is no possible reason for you not to go.

The Nutcracker Nothing says Christmas to me like “The Nutcracker.” Whether you go and see the Washington Ballet’s performance (aka what is getting me through this week) or watch the movie or even just hum the music… “The Nutcracker” will keep you from cracking under the pressure of finals.

Copley Lawn If you’re desperate for holiday cheer but can’t find time to leave the Hilltop, just head over to Copley Lawn. Maybe take a picture with the snow (slush? water? who knows?). Because what says “Merry Christmas from Georgetown” better than a slushy John Carroll?

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all around D.C., Hoyas!

Photo: schedule.wttw.com