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Happy Guyentine’s Day (Starring Ron Swanson)

Banner - GuyentinesPretty much everyone’s heard of Galentine’s Day. It’s when women get together on or before Valentine’s Day to talk, eat and celebrate some of the most important relationships in their lives: friendships.

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But nobody talks much about single men spending V-Day together ~until now~! Guyentine’s Day, celebrated on February 14, is devoted to exactly that; so if you’re a single guy and this is how you’re feeling about Valentine’s Day,

everything one direction ron swanson i hate everythingparks and recreation ron swanson nick offerman tv love

Here are the best ways to have a rockin’ Guyentine’s Day without relinquishing any of your masculinity!

  1. Food. Forgo the romantic restaurant and grab some grub with your closest guy friends.  Beef jerky is a must.
  1. Fishing. Because what’s better than meeting your match? Eating your catch! This is a great escape from the routines of your daily life, and Guyentine’s Day is the perfect time to treat yourself to some new gear and try out ice fishing. Hunting is an acceptable alternative.

  1. Fighting. A friendly brawl is a great way to bond with bros. In a bar, in a ring, in a crowded sports stadium: any public setting will do!

  1. Friendship. When it comes down to it, Guyentine’s Day, Galentine’s Day and Valentine’s Day are all about one thing: being with the people you care about. So, regardless of what you end up doing to celebrate Guyentine’s Day, be sure to make some time for your closest guy friends and let them know you love ’em.

I hope that your February 14th will feel a little less like this:

angry parks and recreation balloon upset ron swansonand a little more like this:

dancing drunk ron swansonHappy Guyentine’s Day, everybody!!

Photos: Gifs: giphy.com, pinterest.com, hellogiggles.com, washingtonpost.com, bestwallpaperhd.com

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Totally Absurd Christmas Gifts

absurdgifts

Tired of giving your friends and family members the standard, generic Christmas gifts: jewelry, gift cards, food, clothes? This year, get a little more creative with some totally absurd presents. You can be completely sure that your acquaintances won’t have – and probably have never heard of – any of these gifts. Here is 4E’s list of unique and novel gift ideas that even the most picky loved/tolerated person on your list will appreciate and use forever.

Facebook Finder

This nifty device will notify you whenever a Facebook friend is within 2 miles of you. Stalking your exes just got a lot easier. Instead of looking through their photos (and those of the girls/boys they’re tagged with) you can go find them and actually physically stalk them. Goodbye sanity, hello psychiatrist!

The Tie Tie-r

Tired of wasting precious time tying your tie every single morning (and some nights)? Buy that friend or family member this device with settings to make all the crucial knots – Eldredge, Tulip, Trinity – in about 10 minutes!

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Solar Powered Flashlight

How often are you outside in broad daylight wishing you had a powerful flashlight? Simply push the “on” button to harness the energy of the solar system’s most powerful star into a hand-held beam that shines with the same brightness as a blubber lamp. Must have access to direct sunlight to be effective.

Cargo Shorts Kit

Love cargo shorts, but hate the bulky pockets? This kit gives you the best of both worlds. The khaki slightly-below-the-knee-length shorts feature strips of Velcro on the side of each leg, allowing you to add the included fake pockets (piece of fabric resembling a pocket) in whatever design, ratio or even shape that you desire. Kit comes in a variety of colors and themes including camouflage, Hello Kitty and Disney princesses. The perfect gift for anyone on your list!

Remote Control for iPhone 6

Ever want to change the song or check social media but don’t feel like taking out your cell phone to do so? Use this remote control instead. Roughly the size of the ancient relic known as “the iPhone 4s,” this remote will fit conveniently in your other pocket and allow you to control your new iPhone 6 with just a few taps.

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Left: iPhone 6. Right: Size of iPhone 6 remote.

Relationship Scoreboard

This computerized device will keep track of everything you argue about in your relationship: Who forgot to do their chores? Who had the last sassy remark? Who made a mean comment? Fights will be more productive than ever and revenge will be surprisingly easy. Warning: may cause deterioration of relationship.

 

Recipients of these gifts have deemed them “life changing” and “what gets me out of bed in the morning.”

When asked if they recommend the gifts, people on the internet said:

“The Cargo Shorts Kit saved my marriage.”

“Thanks to the Tie Tie-r, tying my tie is knot a problem.”

“I saw a commercial for the Facebook Finder while I was in prison and immediately sought parole so I could get one ASAP.”

Hurry up and get these gifts before they’re sold out and everyone’s lives are ruined forever.

Photos:  agreeordie.com; www.gottabemobile.com; https://www.theguardian.com/money/2011/nov/05/christmas-shopping-rights-return 

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Stolen Clock Hands: The Suspects

clock tower

For the first time since 2012, the Healy clock hands were stolen two nights ago. While they have since been replaced, who is responsible for the daring theft? Here are 4E’s top five suspects for who committed this most egregious (read: hilarious) crime.

Joe Biden

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Motive: Sign them and say that whoever stole them sent them to him. This would instantly increase his own status as a campus celebrity.
How: The VP attended mass at Dahlgren Chapel on Monday, likely as an opportunity to scout out the front of Healy. Using mass to hide your debauchery, Mr. Vice President?

The manager at Leo’s

Motive: Revenge on the students who steal all of his/her forks (and knives/spoons/dishes/cups).
How: While everyone was all the way across campus using meal swipes at Hoya Court, the manager snuck out of the now-abandoned Leo’s and took the hands. 4E fears that our precious clock hands will be melted into raw metal to replace all the stolen cutlery.

A freshman with a huge crush

Motive: Girl asked, “Can I have the time?”
How: I’m not really sure about this one. Some freshmen still don’t know what Healy is, so it’s impressive that he even knew there was a clock, let alone that its hands were significant.

The GU Rock Climbing Team

dsc_0344Motive: Tired of hearing, “Wait, we have a rock climbing team?”
How: They climb rocks for sport. Scaling the face of Healy? Child’s play.

That a-hole who always steals my spot in Lau

Motive: Because he’s a jerk, that’s why. You know the one.
How: I have no clue, since he has been in my spot in Lau every time I’ve checked.

Whoever the perpetrator is, it was pretty rad of them to steal the clock hands and offer us a little reprieve from the burden of finals season. 4E only hopes they send the hands to someone cool.

Photos: https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nbihK0FLU08/T59DdKW-P5I/AAAAAAAAATc/GqpjGki53mc/s1600/clock+tower.jpg; https://boston.barstoolsports.com/; gubulldogblog.wordpress.com

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5 Reasons Georgetown Students are NOT Ron Swanson

Ron SwaaaIf you haven’t read my friend Emily’s original post 5 Reasons Georgetown Students are Ron Swanson, please do. She’s hilarious and the “Drunk Ron Swanson” gif is life-changing. That being said, I’m going to have to respectfully disagree. As an avid fan of “Parks and Recreation” and a meat enthusiast, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say Ron Swanson would never put his coveted stamp of approval on the Georgetown lifestyle. Here’s the evidence to back my claim up.

5 Reasons Georgetown Students are
NOT Ron Swanson:

1. The Government

60% of the Georgetown population identify as government majors, according to a statistic I just made up. They’re everywhere. It makes sense because we live in the nation’s capital with so many amazing opportunities to intern on Capital Hill. Impressive, right? You know who doesn’t care about any of that? Ron Swanson.

2. Burnett’s

4E likes to consider itself the voice of the people, only slightly funnier and much sassier. So we write about Burnett’s and Leo’s. We give the people want the they want. As college students, the options for weekend liquid consumption are limited by our empty wallets and nonexistent credit scores. So we don’t complain when a Vil A only has Natty’s and Burnett’s. It’s expected. It’s understandable. You know who doesn’t understand? Ron Swanson.

3. Sweetgreen

We like to consider ourselves a fairly healthy campus where Lululemon pants and organic lettuce purchases from Whole Foods run rampant. WE LOVE VEGETABLES. In fact, it is difficult  to go a day without seeing one of the paper SweetGreen bags. We love the stuff. How could you not? They use the freshest ingredients and the most filling bread.  Also, it was founded by 2 Georgetown students so it’s a win-win, right? Let’s see what our good friend Ron Swanson has to say about this.

4. Yates

Running in a similar vein, I wonder what Mr. Swanson’s personal statement on exercise is…

5. Social Media

Guys we rock at social media. Post it on Facebook. Tweet it. Instagram it. BLOG it. We’re there. It’s kind of our forté outside of procrastinating and subsequently stressing out about how much we procrastinated. Georgetown was actually ranked #1 in social media influence out of colleges in the DMV area. You know who sucks at social media? Ron Swanson. It’s actually kind of sad as evidenced by the selfie he accidentally vined. #Basic

Stay gold, Ron Swanson. Keep fighting the good fight against the establishment, vegetarianism and technology. It’s a fight you’re sure to win.

Gifs: tumblr.com; Photo: tumblr.com
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5 Reasons Georgetown Students are Ron Swanson

youareronswansonHere at Georgetown, we get to experience the surrounding neighborhood as well as the city of Washington, D.C. But do you ever feel like life here is too fast-paced? Do you ever feel like you could take a few days to treat yourself, eat a waffle and hang out with your local government officials? Maybe you should pop by a little town called Pawnee, Indiana, the setting to NBC’s Parks and Recreation.

Wrapping up its sixth season, Parks and Rec has said goodbye to two of its main characters, Chris Traeger and Ann Perkins. But never fear! Besides perky Leslie Knope and a bunch of other amazing characters, we still have the glory that is Ron Swanson. Played by Nick Offerman (more like Nick Awesome-man), Ron has more in common with the average Georgetown student than you’d think. Here’s why:

1. He knows how to prioritize.

Georgetown students are notorious for balancing their many activities. Whether you’re planning on spending the night going to a club meeting, exercising at Yates or maybe even (gasp!) doing homework, you’ve got a full plate, but you’ll always find some way to get it done. Ron Swanson feels the same way. He’s got his own pyramid of greatness!

2. He has goals to work toward. 

We here at Georgetown are pretty ambitious. Whether you’re hoping to be the next President, the next Bill Gates or the BP champion of your floor, you have goals and dreams. Ron Swanson does too. Whether he’s passionately pursuing woodworking or bacon-eating, he strives to be the very best.

3. He is great at “fake-working.”

This is the phenomenon where you look like you’re working really hard but in fact you’re surfing 4E or Facebook. As an employee of the government who hates the government, this basically summarizes Ron’s life. For Georgetown examples of fake-working, sneak up behind 99% of students on Lau 2 on any given night.

4. Yeah, he’s a little bit jaded.

At this point in the year, it’s safe to say that most students have comfortably settled into their Georgetown lives. Gone are the days of not being sure which Corp drink to order (any of these will do), gone is that tiny sense of shame when you sit down in Lau on a weekend night (midterm season: never forget), gone are the days of getting lost in the MSB (actually, this still happens). Ron has been jaded since birth and he doesn’t care who knows it.

5. He may be serious sometimes, but he knows how to party. 

Do I even have to explain?

Photos: cooltightsweet.com, imgur.com; Gifs: cloudfront.net, buzzfeed.com