A Sneak Peek Into Your Semester Online

Due to the ongoing public health crisis, Georgetown has decided the majority of students will remain home for the fall 2020 semester. Hoyas received a taste of online learning during the spring of 2020, but this fall, admin has spared no expense to offer a semester with even more precision and in-depth planning than the last.

Photorealistic representation of McKinsey consultants unraveling and editing DeGioia’s reopening plan.

While this won’t be the semester anyone had envisioned, we may as well prepare for what lies ahead. The 4E is here to offer you a ~sneak preview~ of your online fall semester!

John DeGioia, do your worst.


With full course loads and asynchronous lectures, Hoyas everywhere can expect ~The Grind~ to never stop!

Chad from Apple Pie Delta gets frustrated during his OPIM lecture.

The Grind, of course, comes with its own challenges. Living at home means parents and younger siblings interrupting lectures and valuable study time. Staring at your online class crush covertly (or even enlarging their picture in Zoom) is enough of a distraction!

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There’s no place like Lau 4! There’s no place like Lau 4! There’s no place like Lau 4!

There are some bright sides to online classes, though. Over Zoom, Hoyas can live out their reality television star dreams by sitting in their very own confessional square! Use the background of your favorite Confessional Booth™, and, suddenly, you too are a Kardashian!

Me trying to get through a 9 a.m. economics lecture.

Hoyas can also take advantage of the small screen to show off their quarantine fits. Of course, stunting in Lau is a Georgetown tradition, so you can bet some students will be angling their cameras juuust right to show off a glimpse of that Gucci belt!

Sweatpants and slippers are also a ~stellar~ option.


While the Vil A rooftop won’t be baptized with the annual syllabus week parties to kick off the semester, online classes can’t stop Hoyas from turning up! Zoom parties will be just like regular ones, only much less sweaty. And you’ll have complete control over the aux (and a mute button)!

The “Devil’s Advocate” from your political theory class acting like a young Ben Shapiro after drinking two White Claws again? Mute him!

These Zoom parties will have an unlimited capacity for fun guests, so no need for a pledge asking freshmen at the door, “Who do you know here?” Just don’t be surprised when your friends 8+ timezones away from you ~darty~ while you ~party~!

Class of 2024 crashing seniors’ exclusive Zoom parties.

To top it all off, Natty Light will also no longer be the only alcoholic option for (21+) Hoyas to enjoy! Nothing says “lit” like the unopened red wine your mom got as a gift in 2016!


While parties can easily be transitioned online, Georgetown’s Club Culture™ is harder to recreate over the internet.

How can the Hoyas get rejected from The Corp if there’s no coffee to serve in the first place?

Some of Georgetown’s most ~exclusive~ clubs will have to transition online for recruitment, initiation and everything in between! This may serve as a huge advantage for the business crowd: No more running across campus in suits only to be rejected by the consulting club of your choice! For other clubs, it may not be as simple, resulting in a few hiatuses.

An exclusive look into GU Eating Society’s next gathering.

Reminder: The Hoya is always looking for new talent ;)

Work-Study and Internships:

Many students lost their on-campus jobs in the spring, including students working at Lauinger Library and Yates and as student guards. To compensate for this sudden unemployment, Georgetown is offering a number of online work-study positions.

Georgetown isn’t known for its IT positions (I’m looking at you, always empty UIS Service Desk on the third floor of Lau), but in this unprecedented time, innovation in student work is necessary. The 4E personally brainstormed ideas for online jobs for Hoyas:

  1. Zoom Bombing Student Guard
  2. Exam Proctor (see: Narc)
  3. OnlyFans Content Creator
  4. Author Of a Book Written in Quarantine Set To Be Published In April 2021
  5. “Tennis Coach”

We also can’t forget those students experiencing remote internships! Let’s hear it for our remote Hillterns™!

“The West Wing” but make it ~virtual~


Hoyas already missed out on Georgetown Day 2020, so we deserve a fun homecoming at the very least. Even though there will be no football, we all know that, at Georgetown, homecoming is never about the football anyway.

“Homecoming” can take on a new and more literal meaning in this quarantine. Hoyas could flood campus for a weekend in September (while social distancing, of course) to bring us together for the first time since March and keep the Georgetown spirit alive!

Hoya Saxa!

Students turning 21 will also have to adapt the Tombs Night tradition to an online platform. When The Tombs finally reopens, you can bet most of the bar’s patrons will be stamping their foreheads to make up for their missed birthdays. But for now, a postal stamp and a speech on Zoom will have to do.

A cake also couldn’t hurt. Or, if you’re anything like me, try a piñata!


While the future opening status of Georgetown is unknown, we can all do our part to stay safe now to be together as a family in the future.

Where’s your mask, Andy Samberg?

For now, live your Georgetown career without regret! DM that cutie in your theology class on Canvas! Take “International Finance” pass/fail! Email your TA to round up your grade! Catfish your professor by using a hot person’s photo as your Zoom avatar!

From all of us at the 4E, stay healthy Hoyas! We hope to see you on campus soon!

Hoya How-To: Find Love in a Hopeless Place

Screen Shot 2013-02-12 at 2.36.07 AMThe big V-Day is approaching, and you’ve already got some strikes against you: maybe you haven’t seen the inside of Yates since your flu shot. Maybe your idea of flirting is asking her to watch your stuff at Lau. Maybe midterms are making your face experience levels of acne activity unheard of since middle school. Maybe the closest you’ve come to a DFMO is someone shoving you as you try to buy yourself a VodCran at Rhino.

Hopeless Hoyas, rejoice! No matter how pathetic February has had you feeling, hold on to one simple truth: You’re So Much Cooler Online. In this day and age of excessive social networking, there truly is a dating website for everyone, and with a touch of shameless lying and a fair amount of Photoshop, you too can land yourself a date in time for Thursday. Without further ado, our favorite dating websites of 2013:

Sea Captain Date Find Your First Mate

Looking for someone who will stand by you through the rough waters of life? Hoping for love as deep as the sea? Got a thing for old men with scruffy white beards? Connect with fellow captains (still unsure how liberally this label is applied) for smooth sailing this Valentine’s Day!

Darwin Dating Online Dating Minus Ugly People

If you consistently rank yourself between 9.5 and 10 and for some strange reason are still looking for a date ONLINE (hint hint: you might be wrong), this is the place for you. Darwin Dating uses their own dubious definition of natural selection to ensure all you beautiful specimens are separated from the “ugly, unattractive, desperate fatsos.” (ouch)

The Ugly Bug Ball Dating for the Aesthetically Average

In marked contrast to Darwin Dating, this website is for the Hoyas with slightly more realistic outlook. Let’s face it, its February 12th, and you’ve eaten 6-plus boxes of Sweethearts that your roommate’s boyfriend sent her (oops). At this point, it’s about taking what you can get.

Singles With Food Allergies Share More Than a Meal

Celiac? Lactose intolerant? Allergic to nuts? Get away from those toxic friends that make fun of you for getting gluten-free bread at Leo’s and find a soul mate who can sympathize with the swelling and itching. Nothing says love like a shared autoimmune reaction to pollen.

Sober & Single Exactly What You Don’t Want to Be at Bandolero on Thursday

If this pretty much sums up how you are feeling econ lecture today, take solace in the fact that there is an entire (online) community here for you. So skip the Dixie run this week and start your search for a single who can carry on an interesting conversation sans-Burnetts.

Note of Caution: Beware the Manti Te’o Syndrome. As in, make sure your new love is a real human being before investing too much time/emotion/national publicity.

Photo: SeaCaptainDate