Things Georgetown Students Spend More on Than a Certain President Spends on Income Taxes

Hoyas everywhere know the struggle of tuition, Flex dollars, Canada Geese (Gooses? Goslings?). Living in Washington, D.C., is costly and drains students’ wallets.

Me, begging my work-study job for extra hours.

In honor of the release of a ~certain someone’s~ tax returns, here’s a shocking list of some items some Hoyas spend over $750 on over the course of a semester, or about 16 weeks.

Wisey’s Chicken Madness (or Hot Chick if you’re feeling ~spicy~)

Certified Wisey’s Fan // Seven days a week // Delicious @%$ sandwich make all Hoyas weak.

A gal can’t survive on Olive Branch grain bowls for every meal! At $8.95, a Chicken Madness from Wisey’s is a staple food in the Georgetown neighborhood (especially if you live in LXR). If you eat one Chicken Madness a day, your soul may thank you, but your wallet definitely won’t.

$8.95 x 16 weeks at Georgetown x 7 days a week = $1,002.40

Cover Charges for a Night Out

College for students 21 and up isn’t complete without some wild nights, right?

Heading out to the bars and hitting the clubs on the weekends come at a cost. With the average cover charge around $30 and many students going out both Friday and Saturday, 21+ Hoyas are looking at nearly $1,000 in costs.

$30 x 16 weeks at Georgetown x 2 nights a week = $960

A Double Room in Darnall

This one may be both self-explanatory and the most shocking. A dorm room in one of the worst dorms in America is expensive af! While Darnall residents (current and former) think of their time in the Dirty D fondly (Author’s note: I was a Darnall resident 2018-2019! <3), it has garnered a certain reputation among students.

For the cost of the room, which you share with a roommate, you’re paying more than four times the cost of some D.C. residents’ income taxes!

$4,398

Canada Goose

A closet staple of the ~chilliest~ Hoyas! Who can forget about this overpriced parka?

Women’s parkas range in cost from $795 to $1,595. Imagine how many properties you could own (or Chicken Madness sandwiches you could buy) with that money!

Let’s call it an even $1,000

Yerba Mate

What late night Lau study session is complete without a few cans of the ~Yerbz~ (Author’s note: It’ll catch on, just wait)?

Hoyas can’t get enough of this caffeine-infused tea, and so, at about four cans per day for the ~most avid~ Yerba fans, and about $2 per can if bought in bulk, students are spending to get their fix.

4 cans per day x 7 days per week x 16 weeks x $2 dollars per can = $896

Bribery Paid to the Admissions Staff

$500,000

Keep on ~boosting the economy~ Hoyas!

Welcome Back!

The trees on Prospect Street are starting to change color. The NSO horde has descended upon campus, tasked with welcoming over a thousand new students. Jack the Bulldog is on his way home from a restful summer vacation in Turks & Caicos.

In other words, the start of a new school year is here.

View into a typical apartment/dorm room the night before classes start.

We’ve been away for a while, so 4E has placed several investigative journalists on the scene to inform you, our readers, about the current state of life at Georgetown.

1.  Late Night Leo’s is back. This reporter got eyes on a top-secret Dining Committee meeting in which, praise be, it was confirmed that Leo’s will be both extending its evening hours AND its daily breakfast hours. Things are really looking up. How to take advantage of this upgrade: take your significant other on a romantic date in the sensual ambiance of post-9pm O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront.

You back on your “Eat, Pray, Leo’s” bulls***.

2. Senseless construction projects continue to reign supreme. This reporter has gathered several receipts on the noisy, bothersome operations that disrupt the usually mediocre idyllic standard of life at Georgetown. From the Hospital Pavilion to the perplexing gated area in front of Regents, prepare yourselves for a year of getting woken up early by drill sounds.

“A Quiet Place” but the monsters are construction workers disturbing your drunken slumber.

3. Coming Soon: Big Mouth Season 2. 4E’s favorite Hoyalumni, John Mulaney and Nick Kroll, have been killing it with their stand-up specials, Broadway shows and overall hilariousness. The former GU Improv duo made puberty the ~butt~ of many jokes with Netflix’s Big Mouth. Lucky for us, more is supposedly coming our way this fall. Be sure to binge watch instead of studying for midterms. Its what John and Nick would have wanted.

Freshmen using their fakes at Opera for the first time.

4. Rats. They’re everywhere. Returning students are generally desensitized to the presence of rodents on campus, but it feels like they’ve come back with a vengeance this year. This reporter was personally victimized by several SCREECHING critters on the way back from LXR last night. Just throwing it out there—there’s no shame in taking a SafeRide from ICC to Vil A to avoid them.

Walking out of Lau at 2 am like…

5. LIL DICKY is coming to town. Not ~technically~ a Georgetown-specific event, but if you haven’t bought tickets yet for his November 6th show, GET THEM NOW. I’m totally not writing this so I can DM him and tell him that I personally sold tickets on his behalf, causing him to fall in love and have beautiful Jewish babies with me.

 

Honorary AEPi member

6. Kirstjen Nielsen. While most of us were topping off our tans and drinking vodka lemonades, this Georgetown grad spent her summer separating families and interning children in “tender-age facilities.” I can’t *smh* enough about the work of Kirstjen and her fellow #guilty alum, Mr. Paul Manafort.

What is tax fraud anyway, though?

7. Midterms! I’m not talking about the ones that give you a temporary ulcer and make you question the purpose of higher education. DC is about to be torn apart in a storm of political divisiveness, so hurry up and get yourselves Hillternships ASAP so you can watch it happen. Caveat emptor: you have to actually vote in order to participate.

Oprah for the House, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for the Senate.

8. You’re still playing yourself. Georgetown may be one of the top schools in the country, but even great intellect can’t stop smart people from doing stupid things. Locking yourself out of your room for the third time in three days really makes you question the teachers who told you to dream big back in high school. Here’s to a year full of dumb mistakes…

You can always drink away the embarrassment.

Best of luck everyone! Hoya Saxa.

 

Sources: giphy.com, theanthemdc.com,

Snakes of Georgetown

Urban Dictionary defines a snake as: “someone who you think is sincere and really nice, but then turns out to be a backstabber.” To people of Georgetown who have slightly inconvenienced me: welcome to your tape.

Security Guards at Lau – They let in homeless people but make me get out my GoCard. I go to Lau 1 at least three times a day.

People that don’t hold the door for you at Leo’s – Do you know how hard it is to open those heavy doors? Help a weak girl out here.

Tired Corp employee on a Sunday – I know you’re hungover, but can you at least look up at me while taking my order?

Freshman RAs – My study abroad application still lists my first week of school write-up as a disciplinary sanction. Did my noise complaint really disturb the peace of New South?

Professors who take off points after the third absence – I know this is all of them, but three absences really aren’t too many.

People who wear glasses and don’t need them, but just want to look smart and trendy – I’m essentially blind, so please don’t appropriate my culture.

Whisk guy who takes food orders – Stop taking 10 orders at once, forgetting them all, and then asking everyone their order again! It’s not an efficient system!

THAT ONE LXR SECURITY GUARD – You all know the one. We all have beef with her. Avoid this one at all costs.

The Walsh Building – It’s always blasting heat, the elevator takes forever, and the bathrooms are gross and have graffiti all over them. Students of the humanities truly do suffer.

People who press “Door Close” in an elevator when they see someone coming – You’re petty.

Jack the Bulldog’s walkers – I swear these people think they run the school. Once I was denied petting Jack because it wasn’t his “petting time.” I’m still not over it.

 

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, flickr.com