Can you believe it? Midterms are (finally) over and Christmas is literally WEEKS away!
Before I get too far ahead and offend all those people who “love” Thanksgiving, let’s jump right into what this article is actually about. Today, I’ve decided to give you the 10 things you should be most thankful for as a Hoya — and yes, I know it can be pretty difficult to figure it out sometimes. Here they are:
That one time a semester when you think a rat is about to jump out of the bush and it turns out to be a bunny
All your tuition money is being spent on a “green space” that will not be finished until after we all graduate.
The elevator in Regents that is ALWAYS there for those of us who have given up on taking the stairs up to Leavey
When the workers at Einstein’s learn your name — it’s a great feeling, speaking from personal experience here.
Pasta week at Launch — it’s 100 percent the best week, don’t try to deny it.
When Jack’s Crew lets you get less than 3 feet away from Jack to take a picture
The Georgetown meme page
The smell on the second floor of the ICC is almost completely gone.
Well, you go to Georgetown. I know this is kind of soft, but it’s true.
The trees on Prospect Street are starting to change color. The NSO horde has descended upon campus, tasked with welcoming over a thousand new students. Jack the Bulldog is on his way home from a restful summer vacation in Turks & Caicos.
In other words, the start of a new school year is here.
View into a typical apartment/dorm room the night before classes start.
We’ve been away for a while, so 4E has placed several investigative journalists on the scene to inform you, our readers, about the current state of life at Georgetown.
1. Late Night Leo’s is back. This reporter got eyes on a top-secret Dining Committee meeting in which, praise be, it was confirmed that Leo’s will be both extending its evening hours AND its daily breakfast hours. Things are really looking up. How to take advantage of this upgrade: take your significant other on a romantic date in the sensual ambiance of post-9pm O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront.
You back on your “Eat, Pray, Leo’s” bulls***.
2.Senseless construction projects continue to reign supreme. This reporter has gathered several receipts on the noisy, bothersome operations that disrupt the usually mediocre idyllic standard of life at Georgetown. From the Hospital Pavilion to the perplexing gated area in front of Regents, prepare yourselves for a year of getting woken up early by drill sounds.
“A Quiet Place” but the monsters are construction workers disturbing your drunken slumber.
3. Coming Soon: Big Mouth Season 2. 4E’s favorite Hoyalumni, John Mulaney and Nick Kroll, have been killing it with their stand-up specials, Broadway shows and overall hilariousness. The former GU Improv duo made puberty the ~butt~ of many jokes with Netflix’s Big Mouth. Lucky for us, more is supposedly coming our way this fall. Be sure to binge watch instead of studying for midterms. Its what John and Nick would have wanted.
Freshmen using their fakes at Opera for the first time.
4. Rats. They’re everywhere. Returning students are generally desensitized to the presence of rodents on campus, but it feels like they’ve come back with a vengeance this year. This reporter was personally victimized by several SCREECHING critters on the way back from LXR last night. Just throwing it out there—there’s no shame in taking a SafeRide from ICC to Vil A to avoid them.
Walking out of Lau at 2 am like…
5.LIL DICKY is coming to town. Not ~technically~ a Georgetown-specific event, but if you haven’t bought tickets yet for his November 6th show, GET THEM NOW. I’m totally not writing this so I can DM him and tell him that I personally sold tickets on his behalf, causing him to fall in love and have beautiful Jewish babies with me.
Honorary AEPi member
6. Kirstjen Nielsen. While most of us were topping off our tans and drinking vodka lemonades, this Georgetown grad spent her summer separating families and interning children in “tender-age facilities.” I can’t *smh* enough about the work of Kirstjen and her fellow #guilty alum, Mr. Paul Manafort.
What is tax fraud anyway, though?
7.Midterms! I’m not talking about the ones that give you a temporary ulcer and make you question the purpose of higher education. DC is about to be torn apart in a storm of political divisiveness, so hurry up and get yourselves Hillternships ASAP so you can watch it happen. Caveat emptor: you have to actually vote in order to participate.
Oprah for the House, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for the Senate.
8. You’re still playing yourself. Georgetown may be one of the top schools in the country, but even great intellect can’t stop smart people from doing stupid things. Locking yourself out of your room for the third time in three days really makes you question the teachers who told you to dream big back in high school. Here’s to a year full of dumb mistakes…
As the real March Madness came to an end, we here at 4E decided to give some ~content~ to all of Hoya Nation who had to sit through another NCAA Tournament without a team to root for.
We all have places on campus where we like to be sad. Whether it’s public, private, has beautiful views, reinforces the stresses of everyday life, allows you to forget about your issues or just involves you staring at your pillow, we all can root for our spots in the first annual March Sadness Bracket Challenge: the end-of-season tournament to determine where exactly is the best place to be sad on campus.
Some Notes
Dahlgren Chapel – Dahlgren is a heavy hitter in terms of sadness. I talked to some of my friends about this one, and they singled out something called “Catholic Guilt.” Since I’m Jewish, I don’t really know what that is. However, I would be super sad if I had to tell someone all of my sins every week because there must be SO many. I am, as they say, a sinner. I don’t exactly know what’s considered a sin, but I feel like I commit at least seven of them every time I watch an episode of “Storage Wars: Texas.”
My Bed – My bed is a great place to think about all the times that my friends have abandoned me (looking at you, Mark) and my family has shown little regard for my feelings. It’s great because if you squeeze the pillow really tight, you actually can’t hear any of the sounds of the cruel outside world.
Back of ICC 214 – The back-left desk of ICC 214 is a great place to be sad. This one is especially true when you get back your chem midterm and it’s not what you expected, even though you studied really hard and answered all the questions coherently but your TA really screwed you and must hate you because of that one time she said liked your sweater and you didn’t understand what she was saying at first so you just kept walking. Maybe this is more of a me problem.
Gaston Hall – Gaston has great acoustics for not only a cappella concerts and Rangila, but also for crying. If you really want to hear yourself cry (that is, bellow all of the half notes and pitch changes of your sobbing), there’s no place like Gaston to sit and bawl.
Yates Steps – Sometimes I like to pretend I’m going to Yates and start to walk up the steps, then I realize the steepness makes those steps really hard to ascend. Naturally, I just turn around most of the time. But that makes me extra sad because not only am I skipping Yates because I’m lazy, but I’m also physically incapable of exerting the necessary amount of energy that will allow me to even start working out. In the end I just cry, which one could argue is a form of exercise for your eyelids.
You’re Finally Done. Thank God. You made it through an entire semester of Bib Lit without ever actually opening a bible. You recognized more than a generous 50% of the words on your Spanish exam. Was your final CPS essay good? Not really, but you met the word count, submitted it on time, and most importantly, you’ll never have to talk to your unreliable graduate-student TA ever again! So say goodbye to that Lau cubicle, shove some random clothes and your Juul charger into a duffel bag, and call an Uber to Union Station: it’s officially ~break~.
You, waving goodbye to the poor souls who still have to take a Sociology final
2. Relaxation
Showering without flip-flops in a bathroom without black mold? Eating a meal that doesn’t involve ramen noodles or flamin’ hot cheetos? Stepping outside and not being greeted by at least a dozen large rats? They should call you King Felipe VI of Spain (G ’95), ‘cause this Hoya is living like royalty. You never knew you would miss suburbia this much. No imminent deadlines, stolen borrowed quizlets, or panic attacks induced by SaxaNet. You have all the time in the world to lounge around the house, send snapchats of your dog, and debate whether or not it’s still ok to binge watch House of Cards (Editor’s note: It’s not. Stick to Friends. David Schwimmer is our last hope).
Not proofreading that final BlackBoard submission like
3. Remembrance
You meet up with your high school squad at the local Applebee’s and reminisce about GonzagaDelbarton your totally unique alma mater. At the wise old age of 20, you fondly look back at the shenanigans of your youth. Remember when you prank called your Calculus teacher? Remember when you stole a beer from your dad’s fridge in the basement? Remember when you said you had “senioritis” but actually continued to try very hard in school because you wanted to go to Georgetown? Haha! Good Times! You weren’t lame at all!
The AP Bio reunion is finna be ~lit~
4. Regret
Ok, it’s been a week and you’ve realized why you were so eager to leave home in the first place. There are no Ubers or places that stay open past 10 pm here. Your parents have an incessant need know where you’re going, who you’re going with, and “is there going to be alcohol there?”. And when you do go out, you have to constantly remind people that you go to Georgetown, not GW and then pretentiously explain why THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT SCHOOLS. You miss procrastinating on Lau 2 with your friends. You miss saying hi to The Wisey’s Rat. You even find yourself missing New Leo’s (not really, but we’ll pretend for the sake of this article). It’s officially time to go back to the Hilltop.
“You go to GW, right?”
5. Return
You tear up as you see Healy from across the Key Bridge. It’s been too long since last you met. You bask in the glow of a new semester, telling yourself that this is the year you finally get it together. No more going out on Tuesday nights or skipping every class that meets before 2 pm. No more eating Wisey’s cookies for dinner or convincing yourself that walking up Lau steps counts as a workout. Yes, you’ll abandon this attitude completely within the next two weeks, but it’s nice to enjoy the “new and improved 2018 you!” while it lasts. You’re reunited with your squad, you’re wearing the one cool piece of clothing you got for Christmas, and you’re ready for Syllabus Week. Hoya Saxa, it’s good to be home.
You, at Chi Di, two hours after you claimed you were going to start counting your drinks this year, ca 2018, colorized.
As you begin to recover from the aftermath of Georgetown Day, we regret to inform that it’s officially Finals Season. And if you can’t stand the thought of spending the next two weeks studying in hell Lau, fear not: we here at 4E have got you covered with some of the best hidden study spots on this side of the Potomac.
1. The Library of Congress
Located in the heart of D.C., the Library of Congress is the perfect place to reenact scenes from National Treasure get some serious and productive studying done! Visiting the Library of Congress is a great opportunity to try to finally figure out the whole GUTS bus/Metro system, get frustrated after three minutes, and resort to calling an Uber like you always do. Once you get there, be sure to blatantly ignore the library rules and take plenty of pictures of your beautiful surroundings- you can send some to your parents as proof that your college experience also involves some non-Burnetts-related activities !
4E Fun Fact: My own Library of Congress card has the unique distinction of being the only picture of me in existence that is worse than the one on my GoCard.
Actual footage of a Georgetown student Snapchatting his friends at the LoC.
2. The Aisles of Vital Vittles
If you’re too lazy to venture more than five minutes from campus looking for something a little closer to your Hilltop home, there are still plenty of options. One of Georgetown’s best study spots is located in the aisles of Vittles. This is exactly what it sounds like: just grab your backpack, go sit on the floor of the campus grocery store and get to work! Trust us, all the cool kids are doing it. As you study, you can enjoy the questioning stares of your fellow Hoyas while munching on one of the snacks you settled for because they were inexplicably out of your top five snack food choices.
4E Bonus Tip: If you’re feeling really adventurous, go study in the lone aisle of Snaxa.
3. VCE
Home to sophomores who skipped every “What’s a Hoya?” and freshmen who weren’t told this was even an option during their GAAP weekend, Village C East is truly a hidden treasure. Frequently forgotten and perpetually overlooked in favor of its better-known sibling to the west, VCE is basically the Jeb Bush of Georgetown dormitories. So while it may be “low-energy,” sometimes that’s exactly what you need after another wasted night spent in the distraction-filled mosh pit known as Lau 2 during finals. I personally recommend grabbing a spot at the tables in the laundry room, mostly because it reminds me of a simpler time, during freshman year, when I actually did my laundry on a regular basis instead of wearing the same pair of jeans for a week straight and hoping no one notices.
Remember when people were worried about him becoming president? We were so young…
4. The ICC Bathrooms
We’ve all been there: your professor assigns you a “collaborative final project” and everyone in your group is a total stranger. You’re probably freaking out- group projects are soooo awkward! But luckily, we here at 4E have found a quick fix to your problem: the ICC bathrooms. Spending time in uncomfortably-close physical proximity is a surefire way to get to know each other. And what better place to build this camaraderie than in the inexplicably-tiny restrooms of the Edward B. Bunn S.J. Intercultural Center? Just think of all the built-in conversation starters that will help break the ice: “Why are we working in a bathroom?” “This is so weird”- you’re sure to be best friends in no time! And best of all, you won’t have any of that pesky “reliable wifi access” to distract you from the task at hand.
4E Bonus Tip: If you’re really looking to get close with your peers, head on over to the White-Gravenor bathrooms, which have the cool added bonus of being extremely small and extremely old.
5. John Kerry’s House
Now that the Secret Service agents outside of his house are gone, this basically means we all have an open invitation to go hang out with Johnny K whenever we want. Though I personally have never actually been inside his home, I’m assuming it’s extremely classy (John Kerry is pretty much as #bougie as it gets- here’s a picture of a him on a yacht with JFK) and it also probably has pretty decent wifi, because we all know how much former Secretaries of State like to send emails!
Disclaimer: Yes, I know that joke was terrible, but I got yelled at for writing too many articles roasting Trump, so just consider this my attempt at being bipartisan). Additionally, the Kerrster can totally help you study for your IR final, and will almost-definitely be down to walk across the street with you for a Wingo’s study break
*Side Note: If anyone ever actually sees John Kerry at Wingo’s, please alert me immediately.
The Internet was made for moments like this.
So there you have it- five ways to shake up your study routine this finals season. Best of luck from all of us here at 4E, and please remember to keep procrastinating by reading our articles!
Every semester, we at The Fourth Edition decide to open our doors to the few whom we think are pretty hilarious. This semester, we took five new, spectacular human beings out of a competitive applicant pool. We can’t wait to see what they accomplish!
Top 3 Moments on Season 21 of The Bachelor
1. When Corinne, age 24, casually discloses that she has a nanny. #FreeRaquel2k17
2. When Alexis (dolphin/shark) jumps into the pool and starts making what I presume are dolphin mating sounds to call out for Nick.
3. When Josephine forces Nick to “lady and tramp” an uncooked hot dog with her.
Top 3 Ways to Get Lost in the ICC
1. You took the stairs. Never take the stairs.
2. You went to office hours. The offices seem to always be full of people and yet does anyone really know where they are?3. You went to the bathroom. If the stairs are from Hogwarts, the ICC bathrooms are practically closets to Narnia.
Top 3 Georgetown Pet Peeves
1. Facilities request.
2. When someone ignores your Venmo request.
3. Dominos closes at 2 AM????
Top 5 TV Show Episodes that Make a Bad Day Better
1. The Office, “Stress Relief”
2. Parks and Recreation, “Li’l Sebastian”
3. 30 Rock, “Queen of Jordan”
Top 3 Things Every Georgetown Student Can Agree On
1. The Leo’s coffee may be a crummy necessity in maintaining our caffeine addictions, but their banana bread is a delicious gift from heaven.
2. Jack DeGioia is low-key a baller. He owns his rescinding hair line and classy tie collection.
3. We look at the people on tours to see by chance if we know someone, even though we would never actually want to see some random from high school.
Senior Parents Weekend is next weekend! One of the main events of the weekend is the Senior Auction, which takes place on Feb. 6. At this grand event, many items are auctioned off in an effort to raise money for families who can not afford to attend graduation weekend. And, in Georgetown tradition, things tend to get a little out of hand.
We all know that many Georgetown students/families enjoy the finer things in life, so one could only assume that what will be up for auction is just as crazy. We’ve heard some rumors, started some others. From our research, this is what we assume will be auctioned off:
1. A night in the ICC.
Description: DC’s hottest club is the Intercultural Center. Located near Red Square, this hidden gem has faculty offices, SFS secrets and a rocking computer lab. Who wouldn’t want to explore this place for a night?
Estimated Price: The price of one semester of tuition.
2. A trip to the family villa in España.
Description: Thanks to the donation of Family Z, Georgetown is happy to offer this fabulous villa on the Spanish coast. Houses 10 people, with 8 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms and two infinity pools. May or may not have been featured on House Hunters International.
Estimated Price: Why send two kids to Georgetown when you could spend 5 days at this hotspot!
3. A photo with John DeGioia.
Description: Get to know this Georgetown celebrity on a more personal level! Plus, this provides you with the best Instagram/Profile Picture/LinkedIn photo in the history of the Internet.
Estimated Price: Likely worth the same as your meal plan.
4. Chicken Finger Thursday in Your Home.
Description: CFT is a national treasure, so why not enjoy it in style? Package includes the omelet lady (“Get ya chicken fingers…”), all the condiments you could ever want and limitless fry refills.
Estimated Price: The price of a dinner at 1789, at least.
5. The Clock Hands.
Description: All Georgetown students dream of being “that kid” who steals the clock hands. Now that can be you! This includes an interview with a fake news source, certificate of accomplishment, and never ending fake fame.
Estimated Price: Like you could afford this. Also, shipping is not included.
Are you ready to become a big spender? Or will you just people watch? I can’t wait to see.
Note: Auctioned items are only speculation. We do not have the inside scoop.
Photos/Gifs: utaran.xyz; The Hoya; president.georgetown.edu; playbuzz.com; twitter.com; popsugar.com, cullinanelaw.com
*Disclaimer: I am not a nutritionist or in any shape besides potato*
We all know the conventional ways of staying in shape. No one needs another article telling them to run, eat salad and deprive their life of all things delicious and good. It can definitely be difficult to work out after a long day or not order onion rings from Epi after a great night. However, these are quick and easy ways to keep in you fit without Yates or lettuce because let’s be honest, is it really worth it?
Wake up 5 minutes before class: No one likes running. Waking up right before class means that not only will you get to sleep more, but you will also be forced to run or sprint to class. Bonus points if your class is in Carbarn.
2. Only go to dinner at Leo’s from 6 p.m.—7 p.m.: During this time you will face all sorts of obstacles including a shortage in chairs, silverware and, if you are really lucky, plates/bowl/cups. Scavenging for basic eating utensils will not only give you another great work out of walking around, but also make it difficult to just eat a simple meal. We all know that keeping weight off is 80% diet and 20% exercise!
3. Never wake up in time for breakfast: Despite what all the other health articles or what not you have read on always eating breakfast to boost your metabolism, I am urging you to skip breakfast at Leo’s. Leo’s best meal is breakfast, and it will be really hard to resist bacon and pancakes, especially after trying to eat pizza the night before. This is also another great way to get more sleep.
4. Take a class in ICC: This works kinda in a similar method to tip #1 where if pretty much forces you to stay active. Challenge yourself and never look at a map.
5. Go to Brown House: Once you walk through the door, I promise you will get sweaty within two minutes or less. Not only will the dancing be a good work out, but the heat and humidity of the house acts like sauna. It’s very cleansing and helps your body release toxins, which you really do need after that Natty and Burnetts.
But remember, it’s not just a diet, it’s a lifestyle!
Finals season: it’s the most wonderful gut-wrenching time of the year! Besides spending an inhumane amount of time in the Lau basement, imbibing unhealthy amounts of caffeine, and sleeping at wholly inappropriate hours, you have likely been doing some odd things in an attempt to avoid studying.
Perhaps you have taken a Buzzfeed quiz entitled “Which Mesozoic Era Are You?” (I’m Cretaceous). Perhaps you have found yourself stalking your Grandmother’s Facebook with alarming regularity, or accidentally liking your friend’s boyfriend’s roommate’s little sister’s Instagram post from 73 weeks ago.
It may seem like you are running out of appropriate ways to procrastinate, but don’t worry! 4E is here to save the day with some innovative procrastination methods guaranteed to help you put off studying for your finals until the last possible minute.
1. Watch all 33 chapters of R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet”
“Trapped in the Closet” is a musical and visual masterpiece. The “hip hopera” will also give you some tips and tricks for what to do next time you are forced to hide in a closet from your lover’s husband.
Time wasted: 133 minutes
2. Wait in the Leo’s pasta line
Artistic rendering of the Leo’s pasta line. Not to scale.
Usually reserved for special occasions and days during which you have a burning desire to wait in line for an unreasonable amount of time, the Leo’s pasta line is a prime destination for procrastination. Not only will you use up a substantial portion of your study time, you will also be rewarded with a delicious bowl of handcrafted pasta.
Time wasted: 25-45 minutes
3. Listen to your voicemails
Those voicemails on your phone won’t just listen to themselves, you know. What better time than finals week to catch up on the 47 voice messages from your mom passive-aggressively letting you know that you need to call her back immediately?
Time wasted: Varies, depending on whether you delete voicemails immediately or let them sit there because who knows, you might get to them eventually.
4. Go on a scavenger hunt in the ICC
If you’re brave enough for this suggestion, just be sure to bring plenty of food and water (suggested amount: seven days worth). Also make sure to tell at least one person where you are going so that the search and rescue team will know where to look.
Time wasted: possibly eternity
5. Plan your wedding to that boy/girl in your history class that you’re in love with but have never talked to
First, decide on the perfect venue. Then, figure out what flavor you want your cake to be, make the guest list and pick out the dress. While you’re at it, you should probably also shoot a text to your preferred Maid of Honor or Best Man and hammer down a date. Maybe you’ll even drum up the courage to start a conversation with your intended spouse!
Time wasted: depends on how many things you already have pinned to your Pinterest board
6. Watch the entirety of Weird Al’s “Trapped in the Drive-Thru”
This odyssey of a song is the definition of lyrical genius. It even has a twist ending!
Time wasted: 11 minutes that you will never get back
7. Rearrange the furniture on Lau 5
All those cubicles are not conducive to group projects or chats with your friends. Restore feng shui to the library by moving around the tables, desks and chairs as you see fit. You’re sure to get a standing ovation from all the cubicle-dwelling orgo students who have been deprived of human contact for who knows how long.
Time wasted: 120 minutes. Possibly longer if someone doesn’t appreciate your designing prowess and decides to engage in a verbal altercation with you.
8. Fix Congress
You’re a Georgetown student, so you’re definitely opinionated and informed enough to take on this task. Don’t let your years of hard work and infinite depths of knowledge go to waste!
Time wasted: ????
We hope these suggestions have given you some inspiration for your next procrastination tactic. Good luck on your finals and on getting Congressional Democrats and Republicans to agree on something!
‘Twas the night before the Map final, when all through the Hilltop,
Nervous SFS freshmen were studying, though they wished they could stop.
Their Sporcle quizzes were aced, all filled out carefully,
From Armenia with Yerevan, to Rome in Italy.
College, NHS and MSB kids were nestled, all snug in their beds,
No visions of wind patterns danced in their heads.
And you with your Atlas and I with my notes,
Were readying our brains for whatever exam JRA wrote.
When down on Healy Lawn there arose such a clatter,
I rushed from Lau to see what was the matter.
Out to the lawn I flew like a flash,
And breathlessly asked if this was about Map class.
When what to my exhausted eyes did appear,
Well, I don’t go to lecture, but I think that’s the professor standing here.
In a downpour like the summer monsoons, his capitals they came,
And he shouted with glee as he called them by name:
“Now Belize has Belmopan, now Hungary has Budapest,
On Angola with Luanda, on Romania with Bucharest!
From Russia’s long history to Greece’s financial descent,
You must know it all – er, at least 70 percent!”
So away to the files of lecture captures I flew,
To learn geographical features and geopolitics, too.
As I drew on my maps, my mind was spinning around –
We have to know rivers and seas, too? Are there no bounds?
Ukrainian elections ran through my head,
And I realized that tonight I wouldn’t be going to bed.
Reardon-Anderson, meanwhile, went straight to his work.
“What time is it in Manama when it’s 7:00 in New York?”
“In the United States South, how do voting trends go?”
“In which direction do the Trade Winds blow?”
“What are the similarities in the conflicts in Nigeria and Sudan?”
“Why does the US need to maintain relations with Kazakhstan?”
And he displayed iClicker questions up on a screen,
Then showed us the right answers, lit up in green.
Then he left Healy lawn, and went toward Red Square,
I stood all alone, feeling so unprepared.
But I heard him exclaim, as he walked to the ICC,
“The subtropical highs are north and south of the equator at 30 degrees!”
1. You took the stairs. Never take the stairs.
4. Take a class in ICC: This works kinda in a similar method to tip #1 where if pretty much forces you to stay active. Challenge yourself and never look at a map.
