As you probably don’t know, GUSA election season is upon us, and this year, for whatever reason, the campaigns are leaving a serious something to be desired. Even The Hoya Editorial Board thinks so, writing that they will not be endorsing any candidates as this year’s campaigns are particularly underwhelming. To entertain you in the meantime, here is a list of 15 things more exciting than this campaign season:
Sazón’s knockoff Chipotle week
2. The thrill of avoiding rats on your walk home at night
3. The mold growing in my Vil B kitchen
4. Lau 2 on Sunday nights
5. When your late-night Epi milkshake is ready
6. This year’s Super Bowl
7. Waiting to see if librarians notice the table of kids juuling in Lau
8. The Abolish GUSA campaign
9. Spotting Jack the Bulldog around campus
10. When Leo’s actually has forks
11. When the egg beat Kylie
12. John Mulaney posting about his Georgetown days on Instagram
13. When your flex dollars are replenished at the start of the new semester
14. The rush you get when an MSBro in a suit Birding to a Citi coffee chat almost runs you over
15. Paint drying
Still, civic engagement is important! Go vote for one of the candidates, whoever they are.
In between the time of the turkey and the weeks of Michael Bublé and Mariah Carey Christmas carols, Georgetown celebrates another special season: Semi Formal Szn. Around this time, the Facebook notifications roll in, the online shopping begins, and the number of people getting hospitalized skyrockets.
With these many options of which formal to crash, our wallets are begging us to be selective. So, I’ll make it easy for you and summarize what to expect at each event:
Any Frat/Sorority
If you’ve never been to any of the Greek life semi formals, just pull up any video on Barstool’s Instagram page and you’ll get the picture. Girls will be taking photos everywhere, begging their dates to “take one with flash, one without and one with portrait mode.” The guys, of course, will be screaming jibberish at each other, lightly punching each other until it eventually turns into a spectacle of a public fistfight. Nonetheless, a good time!
GUES
Mini hot dogs and Red Bulls are not a great combination for the stomach. If you really pay attention, you can hear the attendees, 99 percent of whom are not even in GUES, complaining about the lack of food and eventually taking the late night trek to Epi (the pesto grilled cheese is underrated, by the way, so be sure to try that). Each semester, at least one person has needed to be ~escorted~ into an Uber back to campus, and you can bet that this year will be no different.
The Hoya
This will probably be the most sophisticated-trashy formal you’ll ever attend. Hoya members will gladly debate politics, compare their high school subject test scores and argue about which section of The Hoya is ‘better’ (s/o to “tHe BlOg DoEsN’t EvEn CoUnT!”). Basically, it’s the typical GPB basement party, but much classier (and less crowded)!
Couples at Leo’s
I still don’t know who runs the Couples at Leo’s Instagram account, but if you’re reading this, I love you (and thank you for following @picsofjennaeating #shamelessselfpromo). No one at this formal will bring (or have) a significant other, but that won’t stop them from ~classily~ sharing a beverage together at Hawthorne. The lucky stars who have been featured on @CouplesAtLeos will receive their deserved clout and moments of fame, as overexcited freshmen will scream, “You’re the one who played footsies!” or “Aren’t you the one who ate alone?”
The Corp
I don’t know why on earth people would pay $100 for a formal, but they better be willing to get their money’s worth out of a night at the Andrew M. Mellon Auditorium. Freshman girls will finally be able to rewear their prom dresses, only to realize how uncomfortable they truly were. It might be tough to convince your non-Corp friends as to why they should pay $100 for a ticket to one formal when they could just go to the three formals listed above for the same price, but you can at least send your family some wholesome and classy photos before you spend most of the night waiting in line for the fancy bathroom.
Formal szn can be overwhelming, but you should at least try to go to one for the experience. And if you go to all of them…how do you have the money, energy and liver for that?
Dear Witch Who Lives Under The Road Between Regents and Reiss,
What’s cooking? No, literally, what you are cooking down there? There’s always this unhealthy amount of steam coming from the manhole, and I get that you have to feed your family, but I just wanted to check in. I tried understanding the construction email updates, but that requires knowing what things on campus are called. Anyway, I’m 90 percent sure they are going to close down that street sometime soon.
You sort of smell like a rusty harmonica mixed with whatever Florida smells like. Maybe add a little paprika? Oregano? The economy is doing pretty well right now; maybe you can move away from my early morning commute to bio. I don’t want to judge your family recipe, but I will call Child Protective Services if you’re secretly poisoning your children.
Or maybe you’re just a Vape God and enjoy hitting the juul, but instead of cool cucumber, it’s just the creme brulee pod. At least it smells just as bad. If that’s the case, though, I’m still concerned about you, because it looks like you’re addicted. You gotta take care of your pulmonary health, and being Thomas the Dank Engine all day is not a good look. And, heaven forbid you’re smoking that devil’s lettuce (not in my Christian neighborhood!!)??
Whatever you’re toking definitely borders on illegal.
Considering that you live between the sad, lonely uncle STEM building and the cool millennial mom STEM building, perhaps you’re just doing some strange science experiments. If that’s the case, there’s probably enough space for the entire biochemistry department down there. Usually when there’s a constant stream of gross-smelling, billowing gas coming out of a lab, that’s when you get help from your TA. Maybe try using the fume hood?
Update: I think they’re onto you: They’ve cornered you off like some biohazard, which I guess in retrospect, you could be. Whatever you do, just stay safe, witch.
Get #hype, Hoyas, because Hollywood is coming to Georgetown! Kind of.
On April 17th, Joshua Malina and Bradley Whitford, former stars of the television classic The West Wing, will be making an appearance in Gaston Hall to record a podcast about what it was like to work with someone as handsome as Rob Lowe on the set of an ~iconic~ political drama. For many of you, I know this is a BFD (s/o Joe Biden) because Josh Lyman was, like, 90% of the reason you decided to pursue a PoliSci degree. For those of you who are less familiar, The West Wing was that show you had to watch in high school when your AP Gov teacher didn’t feel like doing a real class that day. So whether you’re old a longtime fan or a relative newcomer, it’s sure to be a good time and you should definitely stop by!
And in the meantime, we thought this would be the perfect opportunity to review the very best of what D.C.-themed television has to offer. Look no further for an insightful and comprehensive guide to the pros and cons of the shows that qualify as true #DCTV.
Bonus: Watching any of the following shows is a great way to pretend like you’ve left the Georgetown Bubble this semester without all the inconvenience of actually figuring out how to use the Metro!
Me, trying to blend in when I venture beyond the corner of M and Wisconsin
The West Wing (1999-2005)
Pros:
Allows us to believe that extremely beautiful and smart people like Rob Lowe and Allison Janney would willingly choose to live in D.C. and work for a government salary. Optimistic!
God I miss the 90s
The West Wing on The West Wing is lead by a rational, intelligent, and not-morally-bankrupt President. Martin Sheen does not attempt to build a wall or have an affair with an adult film actress at any point in this show. Wholesome!
The President’s daughter (Elisabeth Moss) is a Hoya. They even film a graduation scene on campus at one point. Fun!
Cons:
Show creator and head writer Aaron Sorkin went to Syracuse. Yikes…
Has apparently convinced a generation of Georgetown undergrads that they physically and/or intellectually resemble Rob Lowe’s character. Inaccurate!
When some guy compares himself to Sam Seaborn
Scandal (2012-2018)
Pros:
Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) attended Georgetown Law!
Makes working in D.C. seem cool and sexy, rather than sweaty and soul-crushing.
D.C. every day from May through September. Also, every class I’ve ever had in Walsh.
Brenda Song was a character on the show for a hot minute
Shonda Rhimes. Enough said.
Cons:
If I ever saw someone even half as beautiful or stylish as Kerry Washington walking around D.C., I would go into cardiac arrest. Extremely misleading portrayal of life here.
When some girl compares herself to Olivia Pope
The camera-snapping noise that plays between scenes. Irritating.
A lot of crossover between Grey’s Anatomy characters. Distracting. What is Meredith’s dad doing in the White House??
House of Cards (2013- present)
Pros:
Robin Wright. Nothing but respect for MY President.
When the professor finally tells that guy in your discussion section who claims to read The Economist and prefaces all his sentences with phrases like “just to play Devil’s Advocate here…” that he needs to stop talking and give other people a chance
That scene where Kate Mara gets pushed in front of the Metro is my primary reason for spending so much money on Ubers. Thanks for letting me justify my laziness by citing safety concerns!
Cons:
Kevin Spacey. Gross. Wya, Christopher Plummer??
@netflix, make the final season a musical while you’re at it #HireJulieAndrewsToo
Depressing and dark content. But not in a fun, Black Mirror way.
No important characters attended Georgetown. Sad!
Madam Secretary (2014- present)
Pros:
I have never actually seen this show, but the Wikipedia page is very informative.
The husband of the main character (Madam Secretary) teaches at Georgetown! I am now picturing him as a Kroenig lookalike. Please let me know if this is accurate.
Cons:
When I started writing this article I guess I thought that Madam Secretary and The Good Wife were the same thing, and I was only going to write about it because I remembered that Big from Sex and the City is the main character’s husband on The Good Wife. I was very disappointed to find out that I confused the plots of these two vaguely-Hillary-Clinton-inspired TV dramas. Big from Sex and the City has yet to make an appearance on this show. Poor casting choice.
Me, upon realizing Madam Secretary’s husband is actually portrayed by someone named Tim Daly
Veep (2012- present)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Iconic actress, amazing human being, and one of the rare women who could actually pull off a perm back in the day.
Buster from Arrested Development.
Me, any time Tony Hale is on screen
Mean, but in a witty and fun way. It’s like The Office, but if all the characters were as comically narcissistic and rude as Jim. (See: my future article on how Jim Halpert is actually a terrible person).
Cons:
Need an HBO account to watch it. Fellow Hoyas, please help a girl out and email 4E with your account password ASAP. I promise I need it for article research purposes and not just to binge watch Sex and the City.
One time on a plane I tried to watch an episode over the shoulder of the guy sitting next to me. He saw me and turned the screen away. If you’re reading this, rude stranger, please email 4E with a formal apology. I had clearly forgotten to bring my own earbuds, the GoGo internet access didn’t work, and that flight was like five hours long. You could have shown some compassion.
Dramatic reenactment of me and the rude Veep fan
So there you have it, Hoyas. A complete and objective guide to television shows about ~The District~. Coming up next week: a guide to the very best of New York-themed TV (Spoiler: Sex and the City is featured very prominently).
It’s officially midterm season, which means that there’s a good chance you’re procrastinating by reading this article somewhere in Lau. And if you’re searching for some more ways to avoid doing work, look no further: here’s a refresher on the five types of “Laufits” most frequently seen in everyone’s favorite architectural monstrosity.
1. The “Kendall Jenner”
The basic look: Heels. A “going out” top. Jeans that cost more than your meal plan. Something cool like a hat or red lipstick that you definitely couldn’t pull off if you tried.
When they’re not busy making you feel bad about the fact that you noticeably haven’t washed your hair in several days, the owner of this outfit can usually be found making the awkward walk from the elevators to Midnight look like a graceful strut down a fashion week runway. There’s a good chance that you follow them on Instagram. There’s a better chance that they do not follow you back.
2. The “Intern”
The basic look: J. Crew. Ann Taylor. Brooks Brothers. A Capitol Hill ID badge that they are inexplicably still wearing at 11 p.m. on a Wednesday in the middle of a college library.
You can usually find the wearer of this outfit carefully crafting their next insightful and completely necessary political post on Facebook or mapping out the logistics of their future GUSA presidential campaign two years ahead of time. There’s a good chance you follow them on LinkedIn. There’s a better chance that they were the ones who requested to follow you.
3. The “Self-Proclaimed Gym Rat”
The basic look: Neon running shoes. A headband. A Fitbit. Something from Lululemon. A yoga mat casually tucked under their arm. A conspicuous lack of actual sweat on any of these items.
Those who rock the standard “SPGR” attire are usually found loitering in Midnight. They may be found loudly commenting on how their favorite flavor of Vitamin Water Zero and/or Cliff Bar is out of stock while openly inquiring as to why they aren’t allowed to use the Thompson Center, or insisting that they could have been a varsity walk-on “if they tried.” There’s a good chance that you also just saw them take the elevator instead of the stairs to get to Lau 2 in the first place.
4. The “Guy Who Was at Jersey Night Until He Remembered He Had a Paper Due at 9 A.M.”
The Basic Look: Hair Gel. Pit Stains. An Allen Iverson/Alonzo Mourning/Patrick Ewing jersey. A New Jersey accent. An ID from a state that is not New Jersey.
Unlike the “Self-Proclaimed Gym Rat,” the person wearing this outfit is definitely actually sweating. And yelling. And attempting to simultaneously type and sober up, but not doing a very good job at either. This stylish individual is likely to be found taking way too long to figure out what they want from the vending machine and saying some variation of “Dude, seriously it was so lit, you gotta go next week” to every other person who walks by.
5. The “Lau 5”
The basic look: A sweatshirt. A pair of sweatpants, but not the “cute and cozy” kind that are moderately acceptable to wear in public. A baseball cap. Uggs, Crocs, or some combination of the two.
(Disclaimer: this is not an exaggeration. I once saw an actual human being wearing an Ugg on one foot and a Croc on the other on Lau 5 at 2 a.m. during finals week and it was one of the scariest things I have ever seen in my entire life. Please let me know if you have any potential information regarding this individual’s whereabouts because I want to make sure they’re alright.)
The true devotees of the classic “Lau 5” aesthetic are, of course, most frequently found in their natural habitat on the top floor. But rumor has it that if you wait patiently until the early hours of the morning, you can see them briefly emerge near that weird coffee vending machine on Lau 2. Should you be so lucky as to witness this rare occurrence, be sure to remember the most basic rule of Lau-etiquette: never ask someone wearing the full-blown “Lau 5” Laufit “How’s it going?” You will only be met with a long, sad answer involving an unreliable TA, a “quizlet” mishap, and a copious amount of tears.
So there you have it: five of the most popular Laufits. Consider what your Laufit says about you the next time you head on over to see if there are any more lemon poppy seed muffins left at Midnight write that big paper well ahead of the deadline!
Many different student groups on campus take it upon themselves to give each of the GUSA Executive Campaigns a grade leading up to Election Day. While The Hoya strives to remain impartial in its coverage, that hasn’t stopped us at 4E from ranking the campaign logos. If it isn’t aesthetically appealing, why bother in the first place?
1. Kamar Mack (COL ’19) and Jessica Andino (COL ’18)
It’s light, I’ll give ya that. Lots of bright blue and white here, without any real contrast. Font is fun. Not quite Comic Sans fun, but friendly. I’m guessing that drawing in the middle is supposed to be Healy Hall, though I’ve never seen it look quite so phallic.
Wait a second. I’ve seen this logo before.
“Nice try,” the green mermaid squealed.
The slogan? “A Fresh GUSA?” Does that make you this year’s token “outsider” candidacy? Every year, candidates promote themselves as “the outsider ticket,” one that will breathe new life into our archaic student government. I could care less if you’re “fresh.” I want you to get the job done. I’m over it.
Grade: B
S(n)ide comment: “Just change it up a little bit before you hand it in so the teacher doesn’t notice. OK.”
2. Garet Williams (COL ’18) and Habon Ali (SFS ’18)
See, that’s a clever Healy! Using the clock on the tower as an “O”? Genius! I like the incorporation of yellow, as it pops against the grey background. It’s eye-catching.
Font could not be more boring. What’s with all the edges? I want round, inviting, smooth curves! Also, there is a lot of empty gray space up at the top. Don’t tell me you ran out of ideas before the campaign even began. That’s no way to win!
Grade: B+
S(n)ide comment: Way to play into the air of self-importance we Hoyas carry around. Why, yes, it is time for me.
3. John Matthews (COL ’18) and Nick Matz (COL ’18)
I see a crown. A crown. A crown atop a smug little “King G.” Well, that certainly won’t do. Boys, this is a democratic election! Don’t be crass!
Hold on. Now I’m reading in your platform that you two are the “GUSA outsider” ticket. I thought that was Kamar & Jessica? Ah, I see you’ve endorsed one another. Planning to divide the conquered land after the win, I presume? Sounds awfully oligarchic to me…
The gray stone is boring. And white font only? Honestly?
You could have at least had the font for the “Ms” and the “G” match the rest of the poster. It looks incongruent. Those are clearly not the same. And what, did you just Google “stone wall” the night before the tickets were due? I’m annoyed.
Grade: C-
S(n)ide comment: Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don’t like this.
4. Jenny Franke (COL ’18) and Jack McGuire (COL ’18)
The “Y” in “Jenny” leaves the picture. Mediocre crop job, at best. Also, why is “Jenny” so much bigger than “Jack”? The spacing between the letters is all skewed, and the “n” in “Never” should not be capitalized. Why not just go CAPS lock and save yourself some humiliation?
I like the blue and gray motif, though pairing the slogan with a portrait of what I presume to be Jack the Bulldog is confusing. Is Jack saying “Now or never?” Or is “now” the time for Jack and “never again”?
This looks like a coloring book page someone gave up on.
Grade: C
S(n)ide comment: I’ve seen better editing on my Insta feed.
It’s that time of year again. No, not the time to start getting ready for darties, freaking out about that perfect outfit for spring break or stressing out about midterms. It’s something even more important than that!
It’s the 2017 GUSA election!
Even though it seems like every year the election sneaks up on us, it’s important that we are aware of each campaign’s platform. So in true 4E fashion, we have prepared the perfect drinking game for tonight’s presidential debate.
The presidential debate begins tonight, February 20th, at 7:30 p.m. in the HFSC. Let’s learn more about our candidates and have a libation in our hand at the same time (for 21+ students only). Stay classy and drink responsibly.
Take a small swig…every time a candidate or a question uses the following word(s):
In case you missed the 25 emails, social media campaign and representatives knocking on your door begging you to vote, GUSA recently held two referendums on the topics of smoking on campus and club funding reform. We here at 4E found this to be a great way of getting a better understanding of the campus climate on some really important issues at Georgetown. So good, in fact, that we would like to propose a couple topics of our own that we think need some serious addressing for the next GUSA Referendum Day.
Without further ado, here are 4E’s proposed GUSA referendums.
Is two naps in one day too many?
You have two hours in between your first and second class. Obviously, you are going to take a nap and catch up on those extra Zs. You finish your last class of the day at 4:45, and you’re still feeling a little groggy from that first nap. You could really go for another one.
You worry, “Will I have enough time to finish my calc problem set?” “Will I ever fall asleep when it is actually time for bed?” The answer to both of those questions is probably no, but you still really want that nap. What do you think Georgetown?
Will this outlet work?
Whether you are studying in the HFSC, Lau, MSB, or any other popular study spot on campus, there is about a 50/50 shot that when you plug your laptop charger into the outlet it will actually work. You would think that with a nearly $70,000 tuition bill, Georgetown would be able to afford electricity.
Anyways, I say we leave it up to the student body to figure out if a given outlet works before going through the grossly disappointing process of unpacking your charger, getting up from your seat, and plugging it in only to find it doesn’t provide the life-giving electricity your laptop so desperately needs.
Do I really need to go to my econ recitation?
You attend all the lectures and you understand all the material. Well, maybe not ALL of it. Ok, honestly, probably none of it. But still, your recitation is at 7 p.m. on a Thursday night all the way in Walsh. AND it’s kinda cold out. I think the only way to get a valid answer is for the entire student body to weigh in on this decision.
Can we burn Lau to the ground?
Ok, I know technically this is arson, but I am pretty sure it’s what everyone wants. Lau defies the popular adage, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Not only is it ugly on the outside, but also ugly on the inside. It is also where most, if not all, dreams go to die. What do you guys think?
Make sure to keep an eye out for the next series of 25 emails from GUSA about upcoming referendums. You might just see one of these pressing matters on the ballot!
By this point, we are all well aware of who this year’s presidential nominees will be. Like ’em or not, barring some extreme circumstance or ~political revolution~, either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will be moving into prime D.C. real estate early next year.
The average Georgetown student is pretty politically savvy, but for those of us who aren’t, 4E has created a guide to the nominees by making them a little more relevant to Georgetown. Here are what the candidates’ platforms and personas would be if they were running for Georgetown University Student Association President instead:
The Likely Democratic Nominee, Hillary Clinton:
Creation of a new email system. Google Apps was glitchy, anyways.
Officially recognize H*yas for Choice.
Someone will tell her to lower tuition, and she will give in.
The number of Georgetown students getting Wall Street internships will increase tenfold.
Public Safety Alerts about attacks on students may disappear mysteriously.
Incentivize more speakers to come to campus by paying them hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Jack the Bulldog will wear a pantsuit.
The front gates remain open.
If GUASFCU fails, it must be bailed out.
GUSA Vice President will get into battles on Facebook with opposing campaigns.
#1 Customer of The Corp, yet has a problem with the way it operates.
Already had a seat in her classes before the class primaries (i.e. pre-registration).
The Presumptive Republican Nominee, Donald Trump:
Studying abroad in any country that participates in international trade deals is no longer allowed.
Build a giant wall around campus, and close the front gates.
Somehow gets all of his classes during preregistration, stunning even the registrar.
Will apply for financial aid, then default on his student loans.
New Corp storefronts: a casino, a vineyard and a steakhouse.
His possible Vice Presidential nominee may close the Key Bridge.
Model UN will receive no funding and be removed from CSE budgets.
The entire campus is a free speech zone.
Shut down the Qatar campus and relocate it to Tel Aviv.
Repeal and replace the student insurance waiver.
Will actually enforce the 100% ID check on GUTS buses.
Will cut tuition and funding for campus news outlets (Dishonest media!)
Attack Villanova hard and fast. They have been beating us badly, folks.
Perhaps this will help you make your decision, or it might have just frustrated/annoyed/perplexed/(insert your feeling here) you, but in any case, just remember to VOTE!
Note: Neither The Hoya nor The Fourth Edition officially endorses candidates for political office or otherwise.
This is your official notice that the GUSA Town Hall happening tonight is actually going to be interesting. A write-in ticket has announced that it will hold an alternative town hall. More importantly, Hot Chick and Chicken Madness will be at the university-sanctioned town hall to answer your questions. Sandwiches will present at a town hall meeting. Sandwiches will speak.
If there were ever a campaign season that necessitated drinking, it’s this year’s GUSA debacle. Here are the rules that will help get you through tonight’s town hall:
Drink if
Someone claiming to be a translator brings a Hot Chick and a Chicken Madness
You learn the name(s) of candidate(s) who have already dropped out
You learn the name(s) of candidate(s) who are still in the running
Someone mentions “Diversity though inclusion”
A candidate acts like he or she can “fix” the campus plan
Todd Olson comes up
Chris promises to be “inclusive”
Hot Chick declares that the use of hoverboards is a natural right
Someone mentions Aramark and/or its contract with the university
The counter-town hall ticket shows up
Anyone name drops an administrator like they’re old friends
