The Battle of the Campaign Videos

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The polls have opened! Which means that later today, we will be free from campaign season … can’t say I’m that sad to see it go. I will not miss the persistent knocks on my door, the incessant Facebook event invitations, the confusing Facebook comments because everyone has the same profile picture. But one thing I will miss is the creative campaign videos; they did tend to brighten my day. So, we’re opening our own poll! Here you go Hoyas, what we at 4E consider the best videos of each campaign (listed in alphabetical order by ticket).

Which video is your favorite?

 

Cannon and Logerfo

 

Jack and Maggie

 

Nate and Adam

 

Shavonnia and Joe

 

Spencer and Rob

 

[cardoza_wp_poll id=5]

 

The Five People You’ll Meet on Valentine’s Day

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Roses are red,
Hoyas bleed blue,
Valentines break your heart,
but 4E always pulls through.

Ah, Valentine’s Day. We know our content this week has been pretty V-Day-centric, but, come on, can you blame us? People turn into very specific characters as the dreaded/anticipated/hated 14th of February approaches. So without further ado: The Five People You’ll Meet on Valentine’s Day.

1. The Cynic This person will likely loudly argue that “Valentine’s day was created by the greeting card and chocolate companies to scam people out of tons of money.” Or that “Valentine’s Day is American consumerism run amok and I won’t take part in it.” Hey, maybe they’re right, but you don’t want to tell them that for fear that it’ll go to their head. The Cynic is rather similar to “The Non-Believer“; they’re just looking for a reason to go against the grain.

2. The Lonely One This person loves Valentine’s Day and the idea of Valentine’s Day but did not manage to procure a date for this fateful Thursday. They might be spotted in the common room in sweatpants with a tub of ice cream watching The Notebook and wondering why Ryan Gosling isn’t “hey girl”-ing them through the screen. They’ll hopefully have better luck next year or will go out and celebrate with friends!

3. The Mushy Couple Some could argue that this isn’t one person, it’s two. To these people I say, “Have you ever seen them disconnected?” The Mushy Couple has melted down into one entity and is potentially seen being a little too friendly with each other on Lau 2 or even behind you in your Econ lecture. You envy them for what they have but also wish they would stop being so gross in public. They, however, love this day as an excuse to go out and not eat Leo’s and to buy each other candy.

4. Your Mom *sexual innuendo voice*: Yeah, your mom is my valentine. (Jokes.) Your mom is your one true faithful valentine, sending you a care package stuffed with things that make you miss home to no end. Your favorite candy, her homemade peanut brittle, a new shirt she got when she was out shopping and a little note with all of her motherly love in it. Your mom will always be your real Valentine. Don’t forget to give her a call! Valentine’s Day is a two-way street.

5. You You’ve got plans to take advantage of the Valentine’s Day restaurant deals with your friends and really don’t care all that much whether you’re with someone or single on V-day. You intend to use this “holiday” as an excuse to eat chocolate (but not candy hearts, because those are gross). Part of you wishes you had more exciting plans but another part of you doesn’t mind … oh wait … is that the cutie from history class calling you? Better take that …

JJ Selected to Succeed Pope Benedict

Jj is the pope with chairIt’s official: JJ has decided to leave his post as “mascot-in-training” and will be ascending to the position of Pope. The visit of the Butler bulldogs was apparently a training mechanism to test JJ’s diplomatic abilities as well as an attempt to gauge his ability to photograph well. He passed with flying colors, as is seen here, and has officially accepted the papacy. We are excited to see what JJ will do, though campus will miss him dearly. Congratulations, JJ!

 

Hoya How-To: Find Love in a Hopeless Place

Screen Shot 2013-02-12 at 2.36.07 AMThe big V-Day is approaching, and you’ve already got some strikes against you: maybe you haven’t seen the inside of Yates since your flu shot. Maybe your idea of flirting is asking her to watch your stuff at Lau. Maybe midterms are making your face experience levels of acne activity unheard of since middle school. Maybe the closest you’ve come to a DFMO is someone shoving you as you try to buy yourself a VodCran at Rhino.

Hopeless Hoyas, rejoice! No matter how pathetic February has had you feeling, hold on to one simple truth: You’re So Much Cooler Online. In this day and age of excessive social networking, there truly is a dating website for everyone, and with a touch of shameless lying and a fair amount of Photoshop, you too can land yourself a date in time for Thursday. Without further ado, our favorite dating websites of 2013:

Sea Captain Date Find Your First Mate

Looking for someone who will stand by you through the rough waters of life? Hoping for love as deep as the sea? Got a thing for old men with scruffy white beards? Connect with fellow captains (still unsure how liberally this label is applied) for smooth sailing this Valentine’s Day!

Darwin Dating Online Dating Minus Ugly People

If you consistently rank yourself between 9.5 and 10 and for some strange reason are still looking for a date ONLINE (hint hint: you might be wrong), this is the place for you. Darwin Dating uses their own dubious definition of natural selection to ensure all you beautiful specimens are separated from the “ugly, unattractive, desperate fatsos.” (ouch)

The Ugly Bug Ball Dating for the Aesthetically Average

In marked contrast to Darwin Dating, this website is for the Hoyas with slightly more realistic outlook. Let’s face it, its February 12th, and you’ve eaten 6-plus boxes of Sweethearts that your roommate’s boyfriend sent her (oops). At this point, it’s about taking what you can get.

Singles With Food Allergies Share More Than a Meal

Celiac? Lactose intolerant? Allergic to nuts? Get away from those toxic friends that make fun of you for getting gluten-free bread at Leo’s and find a soul mate who can sympathize with the swelling and itching. Nothing says love like a shared autoimmune reaction to pollen.

Sober & Single Exactly What You Don’t Want to Be at Bandolero on Thursday

If this pretty much sums up how you are feeling econ lecture today, take solace in the fact that there is an entire (online) community here for you. So skip the Dixie run this week and start your search for a single who can carry on an interesting conversation sans-Burnetts.

Note of Caution: Beware the Manti Te’o Syndrome. As in, make sure your new love is a real human being before investing too much time/emotion/national publicity.

Photo: SeaCaptainDate

One Does Not Simply Walk Into Lau Without ID

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Is this not the greatest thing you’ve ever seen? We at The Fourth Edition thought so. The incredibly clever, Photoshop-wiz, Karen Bu (COL ’16) posted this creation on Facebook this weekend, and it has spread like wildfire amongst those in Mordor’s fiery grip … I mean, uh … Lau. I just appreciate the accuracy of this picture and thought you, our readers, might like it too.

Photo: Karen Bu
Title credit: Matt Caulfield

The Procrastinator’s Guide to the Galaxy: Emergency Compliments

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Why hello there, Hoyas! Whether you are up and studying for midterms or still recovering from your weekend, we’ve got you covered with another weekly edition of The Procrastinator’s Guide to the Galaxy. Ah, yes, more reasons for you not to think about that seven-page history paper you have due Friday. Fantastic.

Have you ever been in need of a compliment? Maybe you just discovered that the cute boy who you were shamelessly flirting with all weekend has a girlfriend. Maybe you bombed your Spanish test on Friday and have been muy triste about the situation. Maybe you were forced to cut your hair super short because you got a hairbrush stuck in it on Saturday. (Yes, that actually can happen.) But I digress.

Whatever your terrible situation may be, a good compliment can always cheer us up. If you are desperately in need, check out emergency compliments. Not only do they tell you, “Your voice sounds like a thousand purring cats” or, “You’re funny. Like, LOL style”… but you can also received multiple compliments at once by simply clicking the “I still feel crappy” button. Try it out. Even if you don’t need one, because it’s still pretty funny.

Oh and if you’re still looking to “duck” around your homework…check this out. Game changer.

God, I love Sundays.

Big Miss Steak

UM WHAT

A steakhouse is a pretty easy concept to grasp, right? Well, that’s what I thought until I read about a new steakhouse opening up in DuPont called STK that is, wait for it … a “female-oriented steakhouse”.

I have so many questions and concerns:

1. It’s a restaurant, not a public bathroom or a french noun. Since when were steakhouses specified by gender?

2. This commercial It just baffles me and makes me just the slightest bit uncomfortable. As a woman (at least, that’s what my birth certificate says … ), I would say that this doesn’t make me want to go to this restaurant for fear of being challenged to an arm wrestling match when I’m just trying to have a nice meal.

3. Jonathan Segal In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Jonathan Segal, the CEO of the One Group (who owns the restaurant), says that the idea “was to create a steakhouse for women” and “if you cater to a female market, men will follow happily and empty their wallets into your tills.”

So … your “female-oriented” steakhouse is really just a ploy to get more men in there? I would say that if that’s your end goal, it successfully classifies it as “male-oriented”. But maybe that’s just me.

4. “Research”  In the same Wall Street Journal interview, they state “Via his team’s research, Mr. Segal discovered that women liked steakhouses.” Uh, did this really take a research team to discover? Who doesn’t like steakhouses? I’m just perplexed by all of this, hence the aggressive use of italics to make my point and express my incredulity.

5. Why is this weather so absurd? I’m sorry, that’s not about this ridiculous steakhouse, but it’s still something that baffles me. Freezing rain cancels classes, then people are wearing shorts and now we live in a wind-tunnel and are expecting snow this weekend. Someone fix this so I can know what to actually wear outside. Thanks.

 

There is nothing I love more than a good cut of rib-eye served medium rare with fresh horseradish (dang, now I’m hungry), but I don’t think I could ever muster up the ability to set foot in STK. What about you, my 4E readers, could you?

PhotoTripAtlas

Front Page Fakeout: Corp begins taking orders at new tattoo parlor service, CORP INK

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The Corp has recently announced that it is merging its existing printing service to include a new service, Corp Ink. This new storefront will offer Georgetown students a convenient on-campus location to get tattoos in lieu of getting them out in the greater Washington, D.C. area. The Corp, while best known for its coffee and bagels, has been making strides to diversify the types of services that it offers. Corp Ink has already begun taking orders and has offered its first 20 customers a 50% discount off their tattoos for serving as training subjects for the new fully student-run staff.

When interviewed, an anonymous new staff member at Corp Ink stated, “I don’t really know anything about tattoos or design, but I got rejected from UG and Vittles so I figured this was my next best alternative. I’m just here to learn!”

Corp Ink will be open Sunday-Wednesday in the afternoons and will be open with extended hours until 4 a.m. on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. A representative from Corp Marketing stated:  “After doing the research, we learned that 68 percent of the tattoos administered in the United States were done so between the hours of 1 a.m. and 4 a.m. Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. We are still stumped as to why this is, but we are conducting more research to look into this inexplicable trend.”

Some of the most popular orders Corp Ink has already received are the famous Georgetown “G”, J.J eating a balloon, the classic lower back butterfly and a variety of Chinese characters that reportedly translate to “kumquat”, “chapstick”, and “otter.” (We at The Fourth Edition believe that these meanings were not the intention of the customer but will be permanently etched onto their skin anyway)

 

Notice: Front Page Fakeout is a parody post in which a 4E writer takes a story from the front page of The Hoya and puts an exaggerated and false spin on it. The Front Page Fakeout uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

The Procrastinator’s Guide to the Galaxy: Starbucks Spelling

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Happy Sunday, Hoyas! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and we know exactly what you’re doing: nothing. You just woke up, you’re nursing a whammy of a hangover and you’re pretending that the mounds of work you have to do for tomorrow don’t exist. You’re probably in denial, surfing all over the Internet and looking at adorable/weird memes and GIFs.

It’s fine — we totally understand. In fact, we’re here to help. Welcome to The Procrastinator’s Guide to the Galaxy, our newest weekly profile of some of the most addictingly strange websites on the inter-web. Every Sunday, check here for the wackiest, tackiest and juiciest sites in the galaxy. You’re welcome.

Have you ever walked into Starbucks, tired and caffeine deprived, and the only thing you wanted wanted was to have a delicious Grande Mocha to get you through your morning? And when you received said Grande Mocha from the hipster barista named Iver, you realized that your very simple name was awkwardly spelled incorrectly on the cup? We know. It happens all the time. This week’s Procrastinator site, Starbucks Spelling, highlights all of the awkward spelling errors from the “inventors of the Frappuccino.” So sit back, relax, keep procrastinating and check out all the messed-up name attempts of Starbucks Spelling.

Photo: Starbucks Spelling

Cat Wins Third in Virginia Senate Race

Everyone knows election season can get a bit catty, but this year’s race for Virginia’s Senate Seat got cattier than usual when Hank The Cat, a Maine coon from Northern Virginia garnered over 7,000 votes and took third place in the hotly contested race.

Hank “the Tank” led a fierce campaign against Democratic Senator-elect Tim Kaine and Republican former Sen. George Allen, the latter candidates being separated by a mere 180,000 votes out of the nearly 3.7 million votes cast.

Hank and his owners, Anthony Roberts and Matthew O’Leary, pitched a fierce, fabulously feline platform for their furry friend, with slogans that included “Milk in every bowl,” “Vote the humans out,” and “Our time is MEOW!” In addition, Roberts, O’Leary, and “Friends of Hank” spent nearly 12 hours at polling stations on Election Day, trying to gain last-minute votes.

Was the Hank campaign “purr-fect?” Clearly not. But despite the loss, Hank and his owners have raised over $60,000 for animal rescue organizations, including Four Paws, Animal Allies, the Animal Welfare League of Alexandria, and a Russian animal welfare organization (chosen by a foreign “Friend of Hank” who helped design campaign merchandise.)

Want to learn more about Hank and his friends? Visit his campaign website here. Not interested? Here is a cute cat video to spice up your Wednesday. Meow.

Photo Credit: Hank For Senate, EMM