Finals season may be upon us, but our fall classes are right around the corner, and hopefully, next semester won’t be over Zoom! While Georgetown students have just registered, it’s clear there needs to be a revision of the schedule of classes.
“United States Political Systems?” “Problem of God?” Boring.
Georgetown clearly needs to spice up its academic roster, and we at the 4E have some suggestions for new classes that are sure to make students cry on registration day when they realize that there are no spots left.
THEO 666: Cats and Satanism
The Blue and Gray Tour Guide Society has been complaining that “Dogs and Theology” — which is a real class that I took in fall 2019, shoutout to Father Steck — has not been a compelling enough draw to get prospective students to attend Georgetown. The administration should respond to this with another whammy of a theology-requirement-fulfilling class, by offering the exact opposite. What could be more enticing than a class on Satanism and cats offered by a Jesuit school with a dog mascot? It’s perfect!
MARK 019: Rebranding After a Deadly Pandemic Takes Your Company’s Name
The unprecedented events of the last year led to one unexpected consequence: a fall in the sale and halted production of Corona beer. How can a company bounce back from such a disastrous naming coincidence? Only the MSBros can find the true answer in this tantalizing class.
INAF 101: Devil’s Advocacy
This class would be perfect for carefully cultivating Georgetown’s next generation of “Devil’s Advocates!” You know the type: a Pocket Constitution always on hand, always saying that “both sides are to blame,” and always on the lookout for their newest ~victim~ to engage in an unwilling debate.
BIOL 069: The Jesuit Identity and Your Body
This class, cross-referenced with theology, will explore the relationship between Georgetown’s Jesuit Values and your ~body~ (think: “the birds and the bees,” but if taught by Father Carnes)! With course modules featuring “Hoya No Sex-a” and “How to Use Bathroom Doors as a Propaganda Tool,” this class is sure to hit the perfect balance of scandal and intrigue.
CHEM 411: Mixology
What could be more scientific than experimenting with delicious drink combinations? This upper-level chemistry elective would be perfect for fulfilling Georgetown’s Science for All core requirement and for ensuring that the Village A rooftop has more to offer (21+) Hoyas than lukewarm Natty Lite. Plus, if your career in consulting doesn’t work out, this class would give a great backup plan for graduation!
Hopefully this refresh on Georgetown’s course offerings will make our undergraduate population much happier! Keep that GPA up, Hoyas!
Do you feel bad about stagnating during a global pandemic? Feel like your life has been on pause for the past year? Have you had no time for self-improvement, focusing all your energy on surviving each cursed day? That is totally fine! Hustle culture is toxic, and sometimes you need to focus on yourself, even if that means doing the bare minimum.
However, taking a step back also means you must contend with the fact that some people are just better than you. And that’s okay too! For instance, my multitalented coworker, Lincoln Le, has discussed his newfound love for cooking. Have you explored your unknown, yet deep-seated passion for cooking? No. But Lincoln has, and he’s a better person because of it.
It’s always great to hear that someone is thriving, but a little part of you has to also internalize the fact that these people are simply better than you. You’re probably reading this article on your couch, in sweats, munching on Hot Cheetos or something.
You know what Lincoln is doing? Cooking a delicious Michelin-star meal. And me? I’m dyeing. And I don’t mean any of that hippie crap, tie-dyeing. I mean, real, honest, American dyeing.
To Lincoln, cooking has been his release. For me, it’s been dyeing. Here is my story.
It all started a couple years ago — 21 years ago, in fact. One fateful March day, I was born. Twenty years later, as I was browsing the heavy machinery at Home Depot (as one does), I stumbled upon some Dickies painter pants with a friend. We bought one each, and I wore them occasionally. They were stiff and baggy, standing out in my wardrobe as some sort of ’90s relic. Even after a dozen washes, they were stiffer than gluten-free pancakes.
But then, I had a revelation. My white painter’s pants were no longer just baggy, semi-hipster pants. They were the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and I was Michelangelo. Armed with clothing dye, some salt and a huge pot, I was ready to create my masterpiece:
Step 1: I boiled some water. Not just any water, though. It was heavily salted (I’m talking like a cup and a half of salt) and soapy. Once the concoction was at a boil, I added the dye, which is when the magic began.
Step 2: Once the dye was added and mixed thoroughly, it was time for the most important ingredient. I popped those pants into the delicious stew.
The trick is that you want to make sure you are stirring the pants as much as possible. I really embraced my inner forest witch — the pot was no longer full of pants and dye; it was my potion to turn unsuspecting children into my pet cats.
After about half an hour, the pants were ready to be rinsed. I dropped those bad boys under running water to expel the excess dye until the water ran clear. Then BAM, they’re ready to be worn. I did it! I started a new hobby and gained a new skill during the pandemic. My superiority reigns far and wide. Have fun lounging on your couch, rotting away, readers. I am simply better than you AND I have cute pants to wear.
As some of you may have heard: Perseverance landed on Mars!
Okay, okay, but what exactly is Perseverance? Doesn’t NASA already have a glorified toaster on Mars?
Well, it’s not just “a glorified toaster on Mars,” Perseverance is actively searching for signs of life on Mars! The rover is even sending back pictures from Mars!
According to NASA, “The rover’s goal is to study the site in detail for its past conditions and seek the very signs of past life,” as well as being a test run of new equipment that may be used in the future. Essentially, Perseverance is the first step toward all future Mars and space exploration missions, a true #girlboss.
One of the most important pieces of equipment on Perseverance is a dronelike helicopter: Ingenuity.
Ingenuity is about 19 inches tall and designed to be very light, as Earth’s atmosphere is much denser than that of Mars, meaning it is much more difficult for Ingenuity to fly.
Should Ingenuity be successful on its mission, astronauts could use helicopters similar to Ingenuity in the future as scouts.
Thankfully, both Ingenuity and Perseverance survived the Feb. 18 landing and will be doing what they do best: searching for life on Mars and moving us forward into the age of space exploration.
For more updates on Perseverance, follow it on Twitter (@NASAPersevere). While you’re there, don’t forget to follow The Hoya (@thehoya) for news that is a bit more down to Earth.
There are three constants to a fall as a Georgetown student, even remotely: midterms, good friends, and the Georgetown Program Board’s annual Mr. Georgetown pageant. Not even a global pandemic could deter this beloved tradition, with 12 of Georgetown’s most ~dashing~ Hoyas taking to the (Zoom!) stage to represent their organization, strut their stuff and entertain the masses.
While this year’s pageant may look different from years’ previous, taking place virtually over the course of three Friday nights, October 16th, 23rd, and 30th, the event’s history and purpose still shine through. Mr. Georgetown was founded in 2005 as a spirited celebration and a way to showcase the many talents and personalities of senior men on campus. It was also created as a way to critique the notion of gender in pageantry, as pageantry is typically considered as female events, by putting men in the position of being evaluated as representatives of Georgetown and their respective student organizations.
We at The Hoya are excited to introduce to you this year’s dazzling contestants representing the Class of 2021, but first, to ensure a positive Mr. Georgetown experience for all Hoyas, GPB has released a statement regarding Georgetown’s community values because while the event was created to challenge gender norms, GPB wants to encourage an conversation about the role of gender in the event.
“The mission of GPB is to create an atmosphere of community spirit at Georgetown, and to provide high-quality, low-cost entertainment for the entire undergraduate campus community. In alignment with this mission, we are committed to examining the role that gender has played in Mr. Georgetown in the past and would like to open a discussion with the community about ways to make our event more inclusive of all gender identities. To connect with us please email [email protected]“
With that, meet the candidates for Mr. Georgetown 2020!
Christopher Le: Mr. AASA
Hometown: York, Pa.
What do you love most about AASA? I love the endless jokes we have, even though most are targeted at me. Love the fact that we can be truly ourselves and be goofy and no one judges anyone bc everyone else is just as goofy!
What is your go-to late night Epi order? Chicken quesadilla, if you get anything else—wrong. Those slap after a long night.
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “Supalonely” by BENEE and Gus Dapperton. It describes my semester in two fold. The title makes sense because can’t see everyone so I’m lonely. And the second part is that it came from TikTok, which has helped me pass the time during the semester.
Samuel Nelson: Mr. The Hoya
Hometown: Cocoa Beach, Fla.
Major: operations & information management and marketing
What do you love most about The Hoya? Working with such creative and passionate people
What is your go-to late night Epi order? What I would give for one last late-night Epi! My go-to order was a grilled cheese on ciabatta, add sliced tomato and pesto mayo. Soooo satisfying and a full $3 cheaper than the quesadilla.
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spot are the window seats on Lau 4. I love gazing at the fall leaves and beautiful pastel townhouses all while disassociating on a Hi-Chew/Red Eye-induced high. Doesn’t quite feel the same at home…
Onrei Josh Ladao: Mr. Club Filipino
Hometown: San Diego, Calif.
Majors: art and sociology
What do you love most about Club Filipino? What I love most about my club is how welcoming the atmosphere is. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from — CF will always be your home away from home.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? ALWAYS Epi quesadillas. The quesadillas just ~ * hit different * ~ at 1 a.m.
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spots on campus are the GSP and CMEA offices. I always take a nap in the office.
Eli Lefcowitz: Mr. Pep Band
Hometown: Port Washington, N.Y.
What do you love most about Pep Band? The Pep Band is full of the most hilarious, supportive people I know at Georgetown — they can cheer you up even when the Hoyas lose by 40 (trust me, it’s happened). Oh, and the unlimited free Domino’s pizza is pretty nice too.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? It would have to be Leo J. O’Donovan. I am a big fan of his chicken tenders.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? I used to just order a cup of sour cream, but one day the sandwich man said that would no longer be allowed. Since then, I’ve just ordered a chicken quesadilla, hold the tortilla, chicken, cheese and salsa. Yum.
Felipe Lobo Koerich: Mr. SFS Academic Council
Hometown: It’s complicated…technically, all of the ones listed: Campinas, Brazil; Jundiaí, Brazil; Amsterdam, the Netherlands; Houston, Texas; New Orleans, La.
Major: international politics
What do you love most about SFS Academic Council? The passion everyone brings. It’s a small group of highly committed individuals that genuinely want to make Georgetown and the SFS better for their peers. It’s incredibly inspiring, especially when our advocacy translates into actually meaningful changes.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? Jan Karski, who served as a resistance fighter and diplomat during World War II and risked his life on multiple occasions to learn about what the Nazi government was doing in Poland and tell the United States about the Holocaust. To me, he exemplifies many Georgetown and SFS values. He’s a deeply inspiring, although far too unknown, hero.
What is your favorite spot on campus? I have so many memories of places on campus that it was hard to pick, but I have to go with the red armchairs right next to the elevator on top floor of Lau. I spent many hours my sophomore and junior years studying and finishing assignments there, with a beautiful view of Healy and Copley Lawn and those two buildings, which was especially nice during sunset and during the fall. It makes me really miss the more mundane, everyday moments and experiences from back when we were all on campus.
Andrew Molinari: Mr. GU Pride
Hometown: Rochester, N.Y.
Major: economics and performing arts
What do you love most about your club? I think GU Pride holds many places in many different people’s hearts. We’re here to celebrate your identity and build community. We’re here to advocate for you and comfort you in times of need. We’re also here to dance with you when you need a night out with some Donna Summer. Pride is everything to me; it’s what I live by.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? Easily Bradley Cooper. Did you know he was interested in a career in diplomacy, but then went and became a famous actor instead? That’s the kind of Georgetown success story I like to see.
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “Party For One” by Carly Rae Jepsen. Need I say more?
Hunter Congdon: Mr. GREEN
Hometown: New Haven, Conn.
Major: international politics
What do you love most about your club? What I love most about GREEN is the vibrancy and enthusiasm of our community. We may come from all different parts of campus but we all care a lot about the environment and are eager about taking action, but we also know how to have fun.
What is your favorite spot on campus? The lower level of Lau. There’s never anyone there so it’s a great place to go to hammer out that 10-page paper that’s due in two hours, and there’s all these microfilms and government documents, which feels like such a retro throwback but is also cool and interesting at the same time.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? The vanilla milkshake or the hot chocolate.
Tim Adami: Mr. The Voice
Hometown: Morris Plains, N.J.
Major: international politics
What do you love most about your club? Nothing beats production night with the rest of the board. Staying awake till 4 a.m. never gets old with the rest of the design staff and board members. I made some of my favorite memories during those late nights.
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “SOS” by Miss Rihanna…
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spot on campus to have a solitary cry was within Lau 5’s labyrinth of bookshelves. Suppose I wanted to have a more public breakdown, though…in that case, I’d go to the Leavey Esplanade to make the med/grad students feel uncomfortable during their breaks.
Nicolo Ferretti: Mr. GUSA
Hometown: New York
What do you love most about your club? The People
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? My favorite Georgetown alumnus is definitely Tony [Anthony] Coscia cause I like trains. I also saw him speak the other day. Seemed cool.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? You gotta get a grilled cheese sandwich with mozzarella as the cheese and Italian (or rye) bread. You 100% gotta add tomatoes. If you’re there, you add peperoncini. Pesto sauce. And if you’re a real winner, you get guac on the side, not as a topping, but an actual side dish.
Kyle Dudzinski: Mr. Club Lacrosse
Hometown: Port Murray, N.J.
Major: international politics — security studies
What do you love most about your club? I think the club lacrosse team has the perfect balance of being competitive while still having fun. It’s great to go compete against other schools with your friends without taking yourself too seriously.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? John Mulaney, no doubt. His Netflix specials have gotten me through so many midterms and finals seasons!
What is your favorite spot on campus? Definitely Dahlgren. It is serene, picturesque and quite literally the heart of our campus. Of all things Georgetown, I think I miss this place the most.
JP Nguyen: Mr. GERMS
Hometown: Houston, Texas
What do you love most about your club? I love the long weekend nights when we stay up and watch movies before the calls start to pick up. We might be up together until 5 a.m. some nights, but the people we get to meet make it enjoyable. :)
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “Stay Away” by Carly Rae Jepsen, the Queen of Social Distancing
What is your favorite spot on campus? The ICC bathrooms <3 because that’s where I cry on the toilet before Spanish class.
Casey Wetherbee: Mr. IRC
Hometown: Ithaca, N.Y.
Major: international political economy
What do you love most about your club? What I love most about the IRC is how it welcomed me during my freshman year into a diverse and inclusive family that has supported me across the board, and that I’ve had a lot of opportunities to mentor younger Hoyas interested in international affairs since then!
What is your go-to late night Epi order? The onion rings from Epi slap, but honestly their veggie wrap is super slept on, and hits different at 3 a.m.
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spot on campus is the Healey Family Student Center because it enables my caffeine and procrastination habits and it’s really pretty. I’ve also cried and sang in the piano rooms too many times to mention, which I’m grateful for.
We hope to see you all this Friday, October 23, on Zoom, for the second round of competition!
While in the show “You” there are seven totems that mark one’s initiation into Los Angeles life, indeed there are another seven to become a full ~Hoya~. Read below to find out if you have actually reached full membership on the Hilltop.
1. Watch two rats fighting by a trash can in the dead of the night
D.C. is full of fascinating and beautiful fauna, but the rat is undoubtedly held in greatest esteem at Georgetown. If you’re lucky enough to see two of them fighting by a trash can in the dead of the night, preferably by a Henle, you’re more of a Hoya than you’ll ever know.
2. An overflowing toilet
While some may marvel at the charm of Healy and its surrounding tulip beds, I contend that the most pleasant aspect of Georgetown are the facilities — specifically overflowing toilets. Did someone clog it? Is it a simple, common malfunction? Who knows.
3. Cry over an abandoned, half-eaten grilled cheese from Epi
Anyone on the Hilltop will tell you that the proper night out ends with an excursion to Epicurean. Whether you’re merely chilling or ordering food after visiting a sweaty Henle, you and your friends (if lucky) will definitely end up sitting down at a table covered with half-eaten leftovers from your fellow, drunken Hoyas.
4. Have a cockroach in your dorm
If you thought rats were the worst thing to find in your room, guess again. Roaches also carry 33 kinds of bacteria, six different types of parasitic worms and seven known pathogens — just remember that next time one crawls across your desk.
5. Wake up to never-ending construction at 6 a.m.
If you live in Henle or Darnall, you’re all too familiar with the morning not being brought in by the sunrise, but with, well, the sound of a dump truck.
6. See the three-legged dog from SWQ
While you may have thought Jack the Bulldog was the goodest boy on campus, you were wrong. Keep an eye out for the three-legged doggo (named Crouton!) who lives in the Southwest Quad. Extra points if you pet him.
7. Admire the Harry Styles cardboard cutout in Vil A
Keep an eye out for the ominous presence of a Harry Styles cardboard cutout next time you drunkenly wander Vil A in search of a darty. You won’t be disappointed.
Earlier in this semester, we at The Fourth Edition welcomed three new fantastically ~quirky~ sophomores to our staff: Jessica Alexander, Melanie Boychuk and Katie Watke!
As the year progresses, we hope you get to know them through their incredible work, but for now, here is each new hire’s “Top 5” list!
Jessica Alexander (COL ’22)
Top-Five Bagels (Dedicated to Einstein’s Lovers and New Jerseyans alike):
Melanie Boychuk (COL ’22)
Top-Five Most Pretentious Grocery Stores
Whole Foods: Whole Foods takes the (organic, gluten-free, $30) cake for most pretentious grocery store. Under the guise of “all natural, non-GMO” products, Whole Foods is ironically a serious detriment to shoppers’ health when they immediately have a stroke upon seeing their receipt total.
Trader Joe’s: Trader Joes is not simply a grocery store; it’s an entirely different universe. In what other world can you buy wine for $4 while hipsters in Hawaiian shirts ringing you up tell you what you’re buying is “totally one of their favorites?” However, out of respect for their low prices, they get to be No. 2 on this list.
Wegmans: Wegmans is well known for having relatively cheap products for good-quality food. However, its weirdly strong following places it in the middle of this list — ask anyone in Jersey and they’ll tell you they would sell their soul to keep shopping at Wegmans.
The Fresh Market: The Fresh Market is trying to reinvent grocery stores by focusing on fresh food. Anytime a business uses the word “reinvent,” you can be sure there’s some sort of gentrification going on there.
Safeway: Posing as a regular grocery store among the likes of ShopRite or Stop & Shop, Safeway fools its shoppers with its almost too ordinary appearance. However, Safeway’s jacked-up prices are most definitely not ordinary — and puts it at No. 5 on this list.
Katie Watke (COL ’22)
Top-Five Best (and I mean the absolute very best) Chinese Foods To Order and Crave on a Daily Basis:
Bao Bun (preferably of the pork variety)
Shrimp (specifically) Soup Dumplings
All Other Types of Soup Dumplings
Egg and Tomato Soup (for those days when you’ve eaten one too many bao buns)
Peking Duck (would be number one if — and only if — the delectable dish weren’t so inaccessible! The only Peking Duck anyone should ever eat exists only in Beijing, so until teleportation becomes a modern mode of transportation, I must sadly place this beloved dish at No. 5)
Howdy, Hoyas! It’s that time of year where a whole new horde of Georgetown ~kiddos~ visit campus to play icebreakers and “make friends” they’ll probably never see again!
Yes, friends, it’s GAAP Weekend, and everyone’s gotta work together to lightly pressure these precious-fresh-peeps-to-be to choose the Hilltop as their home for the next four years.
So, it pays to be prepared, which is why 4E has compiled the most Frequently Asked Questions by prospective parents and students so that you, dear reader, can serve Todd Olson and the Georgetown community with dignity and excellence.
Where’s the bathroom?
The fastball of parental inquisitions: simple, but unexpected. Fortunately, we have a professional guide of locations and answers to expedite this awkward exchange.
If you’re around…
Healy: Walk through the middle front doors, turn left, then walk down to the first hall on the right
Lau: Go down one level, face the coffee shop and turn right
ICC: Lol, u don’t wanna go here
Regents: Anywhere near an elevator
Leavey: Facing the bookstore, go left as you enter from Regents
HFSC: Left by the stairs
How’s the food?
Deep breath. Deep breath. Exhale.
Now that your heart rate and the raging impulse to just GO OFF is under control, I want you to think on the bright side of things. While, of course, Leo’s can be underwhelming (especially when it’s a literal 10-minute walk away, @ Henle, Darnall), imagine all the wonderful things that come out from O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront.
Sazon Steak (and Kim Kim!), Chicken Shack, Oreo Ice Cream, Chef Battle(?), Guac, omelettes, Whisk, Choccy Milk, and, of course, ~Chicken Tender Thursdays~.
Not to mention the lovely, lovely photojournalism of @couplesatleos.
I guess you could also bring up Royal Jacket (if you’re an elitist), Einstein’s (if you live in Car Barn), or Epi (if you’re made of money).
But sticking to Leo’s is a solid answer, nonetheless.
Do you have to pay for laundry?
The answer is “yes,” and it’s cheap, and it always works and never shrinks your clothes.
What’s housing like?
Hmph. A toughie, and we all know it. So we’re creating answers based on where you live.
VCW/VCE: You get your own shower!
Vil A: You get a beautiful view
New South: You get a beautiful view
Vil B: Really nice! (All top floor dwellers base your answer on your experience in the hotel)
Copley: The building is ~so pretty~
Southwest Quad: Big.
Harbin: Bill Clinton lived here!
Henle/Darnall/LXR: No comment
What do you do on the weekends?
Tread lightly, brave Hoya.
Remember the wholesome days of going to the Waterfront or taking a day downtown to explore restaurants and museums. Say that and nothing else. If you haven’t already, repress that Tombs night and recollect some idyllic days.
Let’s get this party started!
April 5-6 and 12-13. Get hyped. Get excited. Get ready to show these brilliant babies what it means to be a Hoya. Do your best to convince them to join our lovely little family, flaws and all.
Get out there and do Bradley proud.
Show ‘em why we, in the words of John Mulaney, “pay $200,000 for a degree for a book we never read!”
In between the time of the turkey and the weeks of Michael Bublé and Mariah Carey Christmas carols, Georgetown celebrates another special season: Semi Formal Szn. Around this time, the Facebook notifications roll in, the online shopping begins, and the number of people getting hospitalized skyrockets.
With these many options of which formal to crash, our wallets are begging us to be selective. So, I’ll make it easy for you and summarize what to expect at each event:
If you’ve never been to any of the Greek life semi formals, just pull up any video on Barstool’s Instagram page and you’ll get the picture. Girls will be taking photos everywhere, begging their dates to “take one with flash, one without and one with portrait mode.” The guys, of course, will be screaming jibberish at each other, lightly punching each other until it eventually turns into a spectacle of a public fistfight. Nonetheless, a good time!
Mini hot dogs and Red Bulls are not a great combination for the stomach. If you really pay attention, you can hear the attendees, 99 percent of whom are not even in GUES, complaining about the lack of food and eventually taking the late night trek to Epi (the pesto grilled cheese is underrated, by the way, so be sure to try that). Each semester, at least one person has needed to be ~escorted~ into an Uber back to campus, and you can bet that this year will be no different.
This will probably be the most sophisticated-trashy formal you’ll ever attend. Hoya members will gladly debate politics, compare their high school subject test scores and argue about which section of The Hoya is ‘better’ (s/o to “tHe BlOg DoEsN’t EvEn CoUnT!”). Basically, it’s the typical GPB basement party, but much classier (and less crowded)!
Couples at Leo’s
I still don’t know who runs the Couples at Leo’s Instagram account, but if you’re reading this, I love you (and thank you for following @picsofjennaeating #shamelessselfpromo). No one at this formal will bring (or have) a significant other, but that won’t stop them from ~classily~ sharing a beverage together at Hawthorne. The lucky stars who have been featured on @CouplesAtLeos will receive their deserved clout and moments of fame, as overexcited freshmen will scream, “You’re the one who played footsies!” or “Aren’t you the one who ate alone?”
I don’t know why on earth people would pay $100 for a formal, but they better be willing to get their money’s worth out of a night at the Andrew M. Mellon Auditorium. Freshman girls will finally be able to rewear their prom dresses, only to realize how uncomfortable they truly were. It might be tough to convince your non-Corp friends as to why they should pay $100 for a ticket to one formal when they could just go to the three formals listed above for the same price, but you can at least send your family some wholesome and classy photos before you spend most of the night waiting in line for the fancy bathroom.
Formal szn can be overwhelming, but you should at least try to go to one for the experience. And if you go to all of them…how do you have the money, energy and liver for that?
It is a well-known fact that Georgetown is fraught with traps. Like the city that houses it, the Hilltop was designed to confuse invading armies — a common occurrence for this hallowed fortress.*
Besides the winding streets and myriad hidden halls (Robert E. Lee’s army was actually trapped trying to find a Vil B apartment), the earth itself works to wear down unfamiliar intruders and carefree visitors.
So, whether you attend Georgetown or are just dropping by, here are the deadliest places to walk on campus — these were definitely designed to maim the enemies of the Hilltop and are not just a damning reflection of Georgetown’s crippled facilities management (@JohnJDeGioia).
*The author would like to note that this information is NOT fact-checked.
The Red Brick Ruins
In the Golden Age of Georgetown, just five years hence, when giants dominated the Verizon Center and people feared the yell of “Hoya Saxa,” the ICC was a bustling center of commerce. Merchants from all across the District would flock to show off their finest wares.*
Ever since the dark reign of Julius Tyrannicus the Third (often shortened to JT3), the famed Red Square fell into ruin. Where once marketgoers could barter and feast with nary a worry, citizens must now navigate pockets of missing bricks (see below) and the occasional puddle after a strong storm.
Worse still, there’s now some weird archaeological dig taking place on Copley Lawn, not only releasing some kind of curse but also keeping students from relaxing on that verdant green.
We live in hope of a new age under King Patrick.
*The author would again like to note that this information is based on legends told to him by upperclassmen.
The Henle Crevasse
As a resident of Georgetown’s highest peak (s/o to all my Darnall babes), I am inclined to find all possible entrances to my home that avoid the infamous hill.
Upon my arrival, rumors circulated of a “secret stair” that cut through Henle and circumvented the long path to Darnall, along with the staircase that waits at the very end. I committed myself to uncover Henle’s “Northwest Passage.”
One day, on a night journey back from Healy, there lay a crossroads in my path. Right past Arrupe, there stands a gradually sloping stair that leads into Henle. Ascending the staircase, I ended up in a common outdoor area filled with terrors: An unnecessarily large cutout of Ronald Reagan, a peeking Guy Fieri and some dude smoking a cigarette surrounded me.
I ran up another set of dark stairs in a flight of fright, which led to yet another fork in the road. A path led deeper into Henle, arriving at a pitch-black tunnel. Seeing the side entrance to Darnall through the darkness, I sprinted through…
And caught my foot on this deathtrap:
The Slopes of Darnall
Alternatively, if you’re not out of shape or lazy like me, you could just go up the hill that leads straight to Epi.
But beware, traveller, for this path is still full of dangers!
Approaching the construction site, the air grows dustier, the atmosphere louder. Most terrifyingly, the path grows narrower — just a yard across. Bikes, scooters and a-holes with umbrellas will often rush past you in a series of near misses.
It is also on this path that people don’t know how to walk single file. That makes this 10 times worse:
This little monster (now covered) will catch your foot if you’re not careful. The unexpected drop really does a number on your ankle — and your attitude.
The Uneven Path to O’Donovan Hall
Below the looming shadow of Southwest Quad lies another three-footwide path of poor design. While the sidewalk on the other side of the road near VCW is much larger and better paved, it requires crossing a street with an oddly large amount of traffic.
The risk of the walk below McCarthy is rewarded by a straight-shot to Leo’s.
On the ends, however, lie two deadly snares that could really ruin your day. At the corner, the entire right side of the sidewalk near the bushes is uneven. Because of the uniform texture and color, this slope is barely noticeable.
A similar slope lies near the bench at the end of the walk.
Worst of all, this trouble leads to the greatest deception of them all: that anything in upstairs Leo’s is worth waiting for.*
*The author would like to note that he absolutely stands by this opinion and literally high-fived himself while writing that joke.
The Three Circles of He(a)ll(y)
The Devil’s Three Eyes. The Claws of Copley. DeGioia’s Teeth.
There are three pits at the very outset of the grand road to Lau, where the trash cans are and where there always seems to be some kind of delivery truck.
These holes used to be the base of three poles, which closed off the path for bikes, trucks and scooters. Now, they are simply a death trap for bikes, scooters and pedestrians.
To the unwary eye, these death pits could ruin your foot, your tire or your dignity. Of all the aforementioned traps, these are definitely the greatest existential threat to every single Hoya that goes to Lau.
Mr. DeGioia, fill in these holes.
Maybe I’m clumsy. Maybe my vision is bad. Maybe I walk like a newborn child.
OR maybe, I’m a victim of an obviously deteriorating campus.
I get it: The wonderful people at facilities have more important stuff to do like constantly fixing leaks, floods, black mold breakouts and bathroom lock-INS. BUT even covering it up with a wooden board — like how Adam Sandler covered up Cole Sprouse’s pee in “Big Daddy” — is better than letting people trip.
Happy spooky season,y’all! Now that we’ve moved past the 80-degree October nights and we’re officially into sweater weather, it’s time to break out the pumpkin spice and the list of Halloween costume ideas I know you started in August (trust me, I did it too).
Besides giving college students another excuse to party excessively and dress in questionably appropriate outfits for three days (and the fact that there are now only TWO months left until Christmas), the best part about this month is the movies that come along with it. Growing up in the early 2000s means that we were all blessed with some of the greatest Halloween movies to ever exist. Now, I’m not talking about all those overrated and unreasonably gory horror movies: I’m talking about Disney! So, if you need some ideas to help you procrastinate that paper or simply something to put you in the spooky mood, here are our Top 5 Disney Halloween Movies:
5. ‘The Haunted Mansion’
Any movie with Eddie Murphy in it automatically gets an A+ from me; I mean, have y’all seen Shrek?
4. ‘Hocus Pocus’
Who doesn’t love a classic movie about resurrection, magic and trickery?
3. ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’
This movie combines two of the greatest holidays (Halloween and Christmas), and really, there’s not much more you need in life.
Finding out that you’re a witch and that you have a long-lost twin sister all in a couple of days would be enough to drive anyone crazy.
Honestly, I don’t think this one needs any kind of explanation. Marnie Cromwell is an icon, and I aspire to be half as ballsy as she is one day. While the first movie is by far the best, I think the entire “Halloweentown” franchise deserves recognition.