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This Week in Politics: October 9th

There’s never enough politics these days. Because of the lack of political coverage on the 4E, many of the most important stories have gone unreported. It’s our duty as investigative journalists to report the facts and only the facts; anything less would be an assault on our democracy. So, for everyone’s sake, here’s a recap of all the most important, unreported and truest political stories that have gone under the radar this week.

President Donald Trump Fails Liberals’ Purity Test

It’s official now. After spending months sidestepping a crucial presidential task of sitting down to take the rigorous four-hour Liberal Purity Test, Trump has taken it and failed. The proctor of the exam, Radical Leftist Nancy Pelosi, wanted a perfect score, demanding the president say “Black Lives Matter” and “My Body, My Choice”. She then went on to ask the president to name all 50 states. The president refused, leading to an automatic failure.

No Candidate Was on Performance-Enhancing Drugs During the Presidential Debate, but Every Viewer Was on Mind-Altering Drugs

A bombshell exposé by the folks at VICE tested each individual person who watched the debate and found them to all have high levels of LSD, DMT and mescaline in their bloodstream. The drugs have caused a total loss of touch with reality and vivid hallucinations akin to seeing two grandparents fight over control of the TV remote. The report went on to explain the debate was, in reality, a mild affair, but the entire U.S. population had a collective “bad trip” for those 90 minutes. The DEA, EPA and HHS have all quietly issued apologies for placing hallucinogens in the water, food and air of every U.S. household. The clerical error that led to this blunder has been resolved and will not occur again.

President Donald Trump Releases List of Other Supreme Court Nominees

A leak directly from the White House shows Trump plans to announce an extra two Supreme Court nominees, preemptively packing the court before Democrats have a chance. Trump, on a call with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, is rumored to have said, “What are the Democrats going to do about it? Even if they win in November, they don’t have the ***** to pack the court. But I do. I have the best *****. And I’m going to have the best Supreme Court in history!” Some choices on his shortlist have raised some eyebrows, with Judge Judy, Ivanka Trump and even Hillary Rodham Clinton making the cut. HRC was seen as a compelling compromise: on one hand, it would force her silence on current politics, but also a gift to Democrats in the shape of a a liberal justice on the highest court in the land.

Monster House 2: West Wing

The creators of the Academy Award- and Golden Globe-nominated film Monster House have announced a highly anticipated sequel: Monster House 2: West Wing. Just in time for the Halloween season, this movie promises to truly frighten. Set in a dystopian future, this house has it all: authoritarianism, a rampant viral epidemic, homophobia and blatant disregard for human life. This movie promises to strike fear in all the right places. The film is in theaters and real life Oct. 31. Rated: PG-13, and streaming exclusively on C-SPAN. Viewer discretion is advised.

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Welcome Back!

The trees on Prospect Street are starting to change color. The NSO horde has descended upon campus, tasked with welcoming over a thousand new students. Jack the Bulldog is on his way home from a restful summer vacation in Turks & Caicos.

In other words, the start of a new school year is here.

View into a typical apartment/dorm room the night before classes start.

We’ve been away for a while, so 4E has placed several investigative journalists on the scene to inform you, our readers, about the current state of life at Georgetown.

1.  Late Night Leo’s is back. This reporter got eyes on a top-secret Dining Committee meeting in which, praise be, it was confirmed that Leo’s will be both extending its evening hours AND its daily breakfast hours. Things are really looking up. How to take advantage of this upgrade: take your significant other on a romantic date in the sensual ambiance of post-9pm O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront.

You back on your “Eat, Pray, Leo’s” bulls***.

2. Senseless construction projects continue to reign supreme. This reporter has gathered several receipts on the noisy, bothersome operations that disrupt the usually mediocre idyllic standard of life at Georgetown. From the Hospital Pavilion to the perplexing gated area in front of Regents, prepare yourselves for a year of getting woken up early by drill sounds.

“A Quiet Place” but the monsters are construction workers disturbing your drunken slumber.

3. Coming Soon: Big Mouth Season 2. 4E’s favorite Hoyalumni, John Mulaney and Nick Kroll, have been killing it with their stand-up specials, Broadway shows and overall hilariousness. The former GU Improv duo made puberty the ~butt~ of many jokes with Netflix’s Big Mouth. Lucky for us, more is supposedly coming our way this fall. Be sure to binge watch instead of studying for midterms. Its what John and Nick would have wanted.

Freshmen using their fakes at Opera for the first time.

4. Rats. They’re everywhere. Returning students are generally desensitized to the presence of rodents on campus, but it feels like they’ve come back with a vengeance this year. This reporter was personally victimized by several SCREECHING critters on the way back from LXR last night. Just throwing it out there—there’s no shame in taking a SafeRide from ICC to Vil A to avoid them.

Walking out of Lau at 2 am like…

5. LIL DICKY is coming to town. Not ~technically~ a Georgetown-specific event, but if you haven’t bought tickets yet for his November 6th show, GET THEM NOW. I’m totally not writing this so I can DM him and tell him that I personally sold tickets on his behalf, causing him to fall in love and have beautiful Jewish babies with me.

 

Honorary AEPi member

6. Kirstjen Nielsen. While most of us were topping off our tans and drinking vodka lemonades, this Georgetown grad spent her summer separating families and interning children in “tender-age facilities.” I can’t *smh* enough about the work of Kirstjen and her fellow #guilty alum, Mr. Paul Manafort.

What is tax fraud anyway, though?

7. Midterms! I’m not talking about the ones that give you a temporary ulcer and make you question the purpose of higher education. DC is about to be torn apart in a storm of political divisiveness, so hurry up and get yourselves Hillternships ASAP so you can watch it happen. Caveat emptor: you have to actually vote in order to participate.

Oprah for the House, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for the Senate.

8. You’re still playing yourself. Georgetown may be one of the top schools in the country, but even great intellect can’t stop smart people from doing stupid things. Locking yourself out of your room for the third time in three days really makes you question the teachers who told you to dream big back in high school. Here’s to a year full of dumb mistakes…

You can always drink away the embarrassment.

Best of luck everyone! Hoya Saxa.

 

Sources: giphy.com, theanthemdc.com,

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What’s A Boya?

All Hoya ladies know that, like rats and out-of-order bathroom stalls, f–kboys abound on the Hilltop.

See Snakes of Georgetown to learn about GU’s most prevalent demographic.

The mixture of confidence, political-mindedness and neurosis within Georgetown men is a veritable Molotov cocktail of personality traits, which can be triggered to explode by both academic debate and debauched social gatherings.

Before you accuse me of misandry, a disclaimer: #NotAllMen.

Especially not Armie Hammer and his spectacular dance moves.

Some guys at Georgetown are absolute diamonds — ladies, if you find them, hold on tight. However, some Hoya boys (henceforth known as “Boyas”) are still in a little more of a “coal” phase.

Donald Trump attempting to dig up an alibi, 2017 (colorized).

Love them or hate them — and usually it’s a confusing mixture of both —  Boyas are a group to watch.

Since 2018 is sure to be another year of, like, realizing stuff, please consult this guide to educate yourself on how to spot a Boya, both at a distance and up close.

Side note: Welcome to the world, Stormi!

Without further ado:

1. When he uses the Jesuit values to justify late-night booty calls.

2. If his room has a distinctly “fiscally conservative, socially liberal” aesthetic.

Romney 2012 poster, Vineyard Vines blanket and GUASFCU mug = red flags.

3. When he asks you for your NetID.

Okay, maybe you’re doing a group project together, but ladies, we all know what this guy wants. Sliding into your Gmail is the ~ultimate~ Boya move.

4. If every time you text him “what’s up?” he replies, “at Yates 💪🚨💯.”

Boyas be #gettin #those #gains.

5. If he wears his Patagucci like it’s a uniform.

6. When Chad is the name and ghosting is the game.

 ✌ out.

7. If his party attitude can best be described as “hit it and quit it.”

In conclusion: don’t play yourself.

Patrick Ewing knows what’s up.

Best of luck, ladies! Stay vigilant.

Sources: giphy.com, popkey.com, free-stock-illustration.com

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What Famous Hoya Are You?

College is a time of great uncertainty. Everyday, we ask ourselves: “What will I do with my life?” “Who will I be when I grow up?” “Why did I decide to major in English?”

We know these questions might seem scary, but 4E is here to help you procrastinate writing that essay for another five minutes discover who you really are. Take this quiz, and finally find an answer to the timeless question:

What Famous Hoya Are You?

[playbuzz-item item=”2c957ab5-7146-4294-8a85-de4b9f44836a” format=”personality-quiz”]

 

Photos: tumblr.com

 

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Summer 2017: Important News Updates (Part II)

As the final days of summer 2017 wind down and you start getting ready to argue with your parents about packing the car return to your home on the Hilltop, we here at 4E have compiled another helpful guide to the Most Important Things to Happen This Summer (Part II). Look no further for a definitive list of things to talk about when your TA goes around the room on the first day of class and makes everyone say one interesting thing about their summer.

1. The Dancing Hot Dog Snapchat Meme Became a Thing

The Dancing Hot Dog Snapchat Meme is the hero we didn’t know we needed. In the midst of a summer full of fidget spinning and erratic tweeting, the Dancing Hot Dog Snapchat Meme arrived to distract and delight us with his iconic dance moves. Easily identified by his signature green headphones and charming soft smile, the Dancing Hot Dog Snapchat Meme is one summer trend you’ll want to check out before it becomes unbearably annoying in the next few days.

2. Macauley Culkin Glowed Up

As evidenced by the massive popularity of HGTV home-improvement shows such as Fixer Upper and Flip or Flop, there’s nothing America loves more than a good Glow Up (also known as a “makeover”, for all my non-millennial readers out there). And Macauley Culkin is no exception. The actor best known for surprising home intruders certainly surprised us this summer with his stunning transformation. He initially went from being an adorable child star to being a not-so-adorable regular person, but these days, Macauley has reignited his film career and is looking better than ever! We here at 4E think that Mr. Culkin is giving Justin Timberlake a run for his money for the title of cutest former 90s icon.

3. Game of Thrones is a hit

This particular writer has never actually watched Game of Thrones, but social media assures me it is all the rage. Based on what I’ve seen from scrolling through my Facebook timeline and looking at magazine covers while waiting in line at the grocery store, it takes place somewhere cold, magic is part of it, and there is a character named “John Snow”. Also Ed Sheeran is a cast member. Based on that, I am pretty sure it’s like Harry Potter but with singing. Feel free to contact me and let me know if I’m correct. Also feel free to contact me and give me your HBO GO password so I can finally figure out what all the hype is about.

4. Chris Pratt and Anna Farris Broke Up

After the devastation of Josh not inviting Drake to his wedding back in June, I didn’t think summer 2017 could get much worse in terms of famous couples breaking up. But as you may have heard, I was wrong: Chris Pratt and Anna Farris officially announced their separation. Fans of Parks and Recreation and the Scary Movie franchise were heartbroken. If this adorable, hilarious couple couldn’t make it, what hope is there for the rest of us gross, boring couples out there in the real world? For the rest of 2017, we need to protect Kim and Kanye at all costs.

How we all feel right now

5. Donald Trump and His Staff Broke Up

In a series of  less-surprising public break ups, President Donald Trump parted ways with several high-ranking White House staffers this summer. First to go was Press Secretary and former White House Easter Bunny, Sean Spicer. While Spicer spent most of his tenure hiding in bushes and rewriting history in the briefing room, his time at the White House nevertheless gave us a chance to see Melissa McCarthy’s comedic genius shine on Saturday Night Live, and for that, we are thankful. Next up was Chief of Staff and guy who purposely used the word “nothingburger” to describe allegations of Russian collusion on live TV, Reince Priebus. Priebus is perhaps best known for being the shortest-serving Chief of Staff in American history, as well as looking uncomfortable in every photograph ever taken of him (see: google images for verification). Finally, after just 11 days, Trump bid farewell to Communications Director and probable future star of a The Sopranos reboot, Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci. The Mooch’s crowning achievements during his all-too-brief tenure  include missing the birth of his son to attend a rally and using some “PG-13” language in a notorious on-the-record interview that is probably not in accordance with Georgetown’s Jesuit values.

So there you have it: all the important things you need to know that have happened this summer. From all of us here at 4E, enjoy the last few days of freedom before you’re back in a cubicle on Lau 5.

Photos/Gifs: Giphy.com

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Summer 2017: Important News Updates

While it seems like just yesterday we were gracing the floors of Lau with our last-minute study guides and caffeine-fueled tears, Summer 2017 is  officially in full swing nevertheless. We know it can be hard to keep up with the headlines when you’re away from the Hilltop, so we here at 4E have compiled a convenient list of the most important things to happen this summer (so far). Take a break from lying in bed binge-watching Netflix working hard at your prestigious internship and enjoy!

Taylor Swift Put Her Music Back on Spotify Like many of you, I endured the #struggle of having to actually purchase songs on iTunes after Taylor took all her music off of Spotify back in 2014 (full disclosure: “Shake It Off” is my anthem. I will likely walk down the aisle at my wedding to this song.) But a few weeks ago, T-Swift fans across the globe rejoiced as her songs suddenly reappeared on the music-streaming platform. Adding to the drama, this move not-so-coincidentally came on the same day as the album release of her famous frenemy, Katy Perry. In other words, Taylor Swift has taken the definition of “petty” to a whole new level this summer.

Beyoncé Had Twins As expected, Beyoncé gave birth to twins and continued her reign of ruling the universe that began way back in 1999 upon the release of “Say My Name.” While pictures of her twins have not yet been released at the time of this publication, we can confirm that they will undoubtedly be cooler and more stylish than I could ever hope to be, as evidenced by the fact that their older sister Blue Ivy is already way ahead of me in terms of both coolness and style.

With genes like this, the rest of us don’t stand a chance

“The Floor Is” Became the Hottest Meme Like many of you, our primary form of communication here at 4E is tagging one another in memes on various social media platforms. Based on our own personal experience, we can definitively say that “The Floor Is” is the hottest meme of the summer so far. For those of you who are over the age of 23 and/or those of you who somehow don’t spend every waking moment staring at your phone, here is Knowyourmeme.com’s official definition to help you better understand: “The Floor Is… refers to an exploitable two-panel photo series featuring  a person avoiding the floor, as they would in The Floor is Lava/Hot Lava Game. It has been used to make image macros about actions that one person will try their best to avoid doing.” See visual examples below.

The Trump Administration Left the Paris Climate Agreement This pretty much sums it up…

Josh Peck Didn’t Invite Drake Bell to His Wedding This one is by far the saddest moment of the summer and possibly even the saddest thing to happen to anyone ever. Josh did not invite the other half of “Drake and Josh: to his wedding. Across the world, millennials wept and wondered: how could this happen? Where did it all go wrong? Did we do something to cause this? Was Megan somehow involved? We may never know what exactly spurred the saddest breakup since the Jonas Brothers disbanded, but we can only hope that these two “brothas” will eventually move beyond this tragedy and hug it out.

Also, do we know if Amanda Bynes was invited? Asking for a friend.

So there you have it: the most important things to happen this summer…so far. Stay tuned for our next edition, and in the meantime, enjoy your summers!

Photos/Gifs/Sources: giphy.com, knowyourmeme.com, ryanair.com/blog, tumblr.com

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Hillary is Coming to the Hilltop

If you’re anything like us here at 4E, you probably freaked out pretty hard when you found out Hillary was coming to campus. I mean, after all, “What Dreams Are Made Of” is a modern classic.

But after watching “The Lizzie McGuire Movie” for the umpteenth time in order to prepare ourselves for what we thought would be the first stop in the 2017 Hillary Duff Comeback Tour, we noticed something a little odd about our email invitations to the event in Gaston Hall on Friday.

The invitation didn’t say Hillary Duff, it said Hillary Rodham Clinton. This couldn’t be.

Last we’d heard, the former Secretary of State and pantsuit-aficionado was lost deep in the woods of Chappaqua, New York with her dogs. We wanted to do something about it, but sending a search team to look for America’s most accomplished grandma isn’t a part of The Hoya‘s budget.

At first, we didn’t know what to think. After months of #FakeNews, we didn’t know if we could even trust our own eyes. But there it was right in front of us.

The Hon. Hillary Rodham Clinton is coming to the Hilltop!

Since the announcement, questions have arisen.

  1. Do we get in line at 3 AM or 4 AM?
  2. Should we wear that old campaign T-shirt we haven’t been able to look at since November 8th without vigorously crying?
  3. Will she mention Trump?
    (Editor’s note: In a perfect world, he would show up at the speech too and they’d have a wizard’s duel à la McGonagall and Snape in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” over the presidency but hey, we get that that might be asking for a little too much. In fairness though, Healy Hall has always reminded us of Hogwarts.)

Whatever Hillz says, we’re sure it’ll be memorable. Almost as memorable as that time she won the popular vote by a few million votes and somehow still didn’t become president! Hahaha you’re so funny @ElectoralCollege! We’ll never get over that one! #TBT

Oh and Bill, if you see this, feel free to come too. We promise to get you lots of balloons.

Sources: giphy.com, tumblr.com, buzzfeed.com

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Best of Georgetown’s Facebook Meme Page

For the past several months, meme culture has permeated the very fabric of American society. Everywhere you look, there are dank (or not so dank) memes. Despite the seemingly ubiquitous nature of memery, there has been a noticeable void on Georgetown’s campus… until now. In the past few weeks, the Facebook page known as “Georgetown Memes for Nonconforming Jesuit Teens” has taken the Hilltop by storm, with memes made by and made for Georgetown’s very own Hoyas.

This page really tackles some hot issues at Georgetown with prime memery. Here, we’ve compiled some of the most ~fire~ of these memes for your viewing pleasure:

Ita Uduebo takes on the ridiculous pressure and exclusivity of club culture at Georgetown with this incredible meme:

Emily Saadi similarly offers some quality satirical commentary on diversity at Georgetown:

John Matthews contributed a quality meme on being blatantly unprepared for class, as I am sure many Hoyas can relate to:

There have been a number of impressive Leo’s memes as well. Allison Kozeracki, for instance, contributed this beautiful one:

Lastly, Sayako Quinlan contributed one of my personal favorite memes on the culture of relationships at Georgetown. Truly an A+ meme:

While these are just a few of 4E’s favorites, join the “Georgetown Memes For Non-Comforming Jesuit Teens” Facebook group for an even wider selection of prime meme material. I look forward to getting that notification that “_____ has requested to join.”

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, bbc.co.uk

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Things Worth Loving This Valentine’s Day

Down with capitalistic consumer culture that tells us that showering in materialism one day a year is a necessary approach to demonstrating our care for a significant other! Down with societal expectations that promote monogamy, heteronormativity and tacky, giant, useless teddy bears bound for eventual landfill!

Why just celebrate one person one day a year when you are surrounded by people and things worth loving every day, all of the time?!

Here’s 4E’s take on things that are truly worthy of love and celebration this Valentine’s Day:

Epi’s salad bar

DeGioia’s smile

Healy Lawn

The Office

Bathroom Stall Art

Peets!

70 degree weather in February

Tinder

Free cake samples at Dog Tag Bakery

GUPD officers who smile

Arrupe’s study spaces

Arrupe being called Arrupe

NPR Politics

Leo’s vegan options

Yates midday

The Law Center GUTS bus

Lau’s free feminine product dispenser

Super Bowl commercials that promote unity

A friend’s baby photos

Your grandparents

Bitmojis

Peanut butter

The Smithsonian Museum of African American History and Culture

Lau’s book request system

Research grants

Sunshine

Fluffy dogs

Naps

Big dogs

Netflix

Little dogs

Booeymonger

Rumchata

If you’re still reading this and feel as though your qualms for the holiday have not subsided, here’s a list of things you might not love, but nonetheless could make you more grateful today for the things that you do love.

Here are things to also love today:

Donald Trump’s twitter

Expired groceries

The patriarchy

Systematic inequality

Georgetown’s rising tuition

Racial disparities

Antisemitism

Being ghosted

Canada Goose jackets

People who walk slowly

Read receipts

Saxanet

Poor customer service

Class with your ex

Classism

Corp coffee

Splitting the check

Partisanship

The Metro

Weekly assignments

Rejection

2k17’s lack of snow days

Gifs: giphy.com

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Dating Advice from Donald Trump

Hear ye, hear ye! A proclamation to all the Georgetown romantics looking for or currently involved in a loving relationship: Valentine’s Day is just around the corner! You may think that you are an expert on the lovely world of dating, but there can only be one true master. And that master just happens to be the President of the United States. We here at 4E have searched for and archived some of our new President’s greatest pieces of advice just for you!

Follow this advice and you can be            just like The Donald!

Have no tolerance for cheaters.

The fall of 2012 was a rocky time for everyone’s former favorite celebrity couple, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. With allegations of cheating by Kristen Stewart running amuck, many were outraged–including America’s very own, Donald Trump.

In the span of approximately one month, our President tweeted a total of 6 times voicing his opinions on what Robert Pattinson should do about his former partner’s infidelity. The rampage begins with the following remarks made on October 17, 2012:

While this tweet includes a few troubling remarks, the overall message is clear–Robert Pattinson should not tolerate cheating and neither should you.

Have high standards for yourself.

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are not the only celebrity couple Donald Trump felt the irresistible desire to weigh in on. He also simply had to tell the world his opinion of Katy Perry and Russel Brand as well. On October 16, 2014, Donald Trump sent the following tweet.

Considering he is the father of two daughters, it should come as no surprise that Donald Trump has taken the “over-protective-dad” approach to this one. He only wants the best for Katy and you. Find yourself a significant other who’s got more going on than Russel Brand and don’t settle for anything less.

@RusselBrand

Don’t date unattractive people (inside and out).

On August 28, 2012, Donald Trump offered a compliment to the husband of Arianna Huffington for his decision to divorce his wife.

Donald Trump raises some very important points here. Physical and emotional attraction are key for any relationship to flourish. In this tweet, Donald Trump also displays a clear understanding of how sexuality works–Arianna Huffington’s former husband was clearly so repulsed by the unattractiveness of his wife that he became gay.

If this does not show Donald Trump’s support of LGBTQ rights, I don’t know what does.

Don’t date your daughter.

While I thought this was an unspoken rule, Donald Trump has made it very clear that you should not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, date your daughter–no matter how attracted you are to her.

Donald Trump has often made remarks on the physical beauty of his daughter, Ivanka, in the past. In fact, on one 2006 episode of ABC’s “The View,”  “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” I guess a biological, paternal relationship is simply an unfortunate deal breaker for our president.

That’s it for now kids! If you simply follow Donald Trump’s advice, you will wake up on Valentine’s Day with a relationship as strong and genuine as his and Melania’s.

Photos/gifs: twitter.com, giphy.com