Thanks to the 4E’s incredible investigative journalism, we have some breaking news. Our field correspondents have successfully infiltrated the Democratic presidential candidates’ campaigns and found each candidate’s short list for vice president. The 4E is proud to be the on the forefront of honest reporting and journalistic integrity, so, of course, these have been fact-checked and vetted for authenticity.
Hillary Rodham Clinton:
This pick is honestly a great strategic pivot. Not only does it cover the older, more moderate voters Bernie is lacking, but it also brings in the political establishment. Everyone knows Sanders has been criticized by his fanatic online following, who are known to dig their bloodsucking teeth into anyone and everyone who crosses their paths, but Sanders’ embracing his nemesis will teach his followers to take the high road. The bold political move of choosing HRC as his running mate will quell fears of sexism within the Sanders camp and bring in the establishment wing of the party he so despises.
An eccentric, polarizing figure that doesn’t seem to fit any mold? Make it a double! Plus, this smart political move for Sanders will show how adept he is at making friends with the enemy. Tacking on a billionaire to his ticket will throw everyone in a tailspin and showcase Sanders’ broad appeal. Plus, free electric cars for everyone? Who doesn’t want that?
Ah, the youth is wasted on the young. Billie’s and Joe’s averaged age would still be over 10 years older than Pete Buttigieg. Billie is everything Joe isn’t: young, hip (meaning she has two fully functioning hips) and ~relatable~. Zoomers might finally go to a Biden rally if its opening act was Billie Eilish, a surefire way to get that elusive youth vote. Biden’s steady-handedness and return to normalcy will be a perfect counterbalance to Billie’s brash, unapologetic youth, showing just how much this country needs to get back on track.
A unity ticket! Honestly, this is another daring political stunt that leans into Joe’s incredible narrative of electability. Who is more electable than the person that was most recently elected? Plus, imagine Trump’s face when he finds out his VP is cheating on him. Priceless. This will all but ensure a Democratic victory, but at what cost? It could also be a great rebranding for Mike; it’d be an enemies-to-political allies slow burn story for the ages.
Elizabeth has seized the narrative and is floating Amy as a potential VP thanks to The New York Times’ odd move to support two candidates. Who doesn’t trust the media giant that is The New York Times? Amy would be a great addition to the Warren team, as she is a seasoned veteran who has proven her winning capabilities. In typical Warren fashion, she has a plan for that.
There is definitely a broad appeal for two grandparents promising you free stuff. Many people can relate to it, and it could unify the burgeoning progressive movement that has recently shown cracks in its foundation. She’s younger, hipper and more savvy than her male progressive counterpart, which could be alluring for those pesky swing voters. Plus, he’d be a perfect foil for critics of Lizzie — she could just point to Bernie and say, “at least I’m not as radical as him!”
Did he get his permission slip signed to go to the debates? He seems like the type to bring a sack lunch to his field trips; apple slices are a must. She can drive him to the debate, as long as someone else can drive him back. Plus, she’d be younger than both Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden, so we know she’d last at least four years in case Pete gets any younger and becomes ineligible to run for president.
Ned McDodd, Mayor of Whoville
A double mayoral ticket for president? Un-president-ed! Pete makes the smarter political move to choose the animated mayor of Whoville instead of the live-action version, because that man is downright terrifying. I love “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” but the Whos in the film still give me nightmares — so, I’m saying a personal thank you to Pete for choosing the superior mayor.