Welcome to college, where mattress toppers are one of your most important possessions. Sleep is definitely the most important thing in my life right now. I had the misfortune of having no mattress topper for the first couple weeks of school, so I got familiar with my Georgetown-supplied mattress.
I treated that mattress well, keeping it clothed with my Bed Bath & Beyond 300-thread-count twin-XL sheets, which I washed two (2) times in the first couple weeks of class. It wasn’t as kind.
Going in, my expectations were pretty low: I knew my dorm wouldn’t scream “luxury.” Yet, the inhumanity of such an unrelenting material almost seemed sacrilegious. The mattresses supplied to us by the Jesuit Order definitely did not takecuraof my personalis.
I don’t blame Georgetown for such hostile living conditions. I get it: The university has better things to spend its measly budget on — like a new gym, but one that’s only for athletes.
I’m no MSBro, but I can tell you that toppers range from $10, to over $200 for some fancy “organic” ones. Don’t get me started on what “organic” mattress toppers offer that non-organic ones don’t; that can be a topic for another day. There are many options with which to top your mattress, but for those who are more basic, I applaud you. I attempted that lifestyle for a couple weeks, but my body was too frail for such exertion.
That’s why I’m in love with the concept of mattress toppers. They’re at the crossroads of necessity and luxury, much like a minifridge or that extra Kate Spade bag you bought last month. Among the plethora of mattress toppers, each one tells a story and gives insight into the student who lays on it.
After extensive interpersonal and detailed research, I’ve concluded that there is a direct correlation between mattress toppers and personality type:
No Topper:
Doesn’t go to class.
On the path toward nirvana and giving up every shred of physical attachment to this world.
Probably shotgunning nitro brew coffee in the shower.
The trees on Prospect Street are starting to change color. The NSO horde has descended upon campus, tasked with welcoming over a thousand new students. Jack the Bulldog is on his way home from a restful summer vacation in Turks & Caicos.
In other words, the start of a new school year is here.
View into a typical apartment/dorm room the night before classes start.
We’ve been away for a while, so 4E has placed several investigative journalists on the scene to inform you, our readers, about the current state of life at Georgetown.
1. Late Night Leo’s is back. This reporter got eyes on a top-secret Dining Committee meeting in which, praise be, it was confirmed that Leo’s will be both extending its evening hours AND its daily breakfast hours. Things are really looking up. How to take advantage of this upgrade: take your significant other on a romantic date in the sensual ambiance of post-9pm O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront.
You back on your “Eat, Pray, Leo’s” bulls***.
2.Senseless construction projects continue to reign supreme. This reporter has gathered several receipts on the noisy, bothersome operations that disrupt the usually mediocre idyllic standard of life at Georgetown. From the Hospital Pavilion to the perplexing gated area in front of Regents, prepare yourselves for a year of getting woken up early by drill sounds.
“A Quiet Place” but the monsters are construction workers disturbing your drunken slumber.
3. Coming Soon: Big Mouth Season 2. 4E’s favorite Hoyalumni, John Mulaney and Nick Kroll, have been killing it with their stand-up specials, Broadway shows and overall hilariousness. The former GU Improv duo made puberty the ~butt~ of many jokes with Netflix’s Big Mouth. Lucky for us, more is supposedly coming our way this fall. Be sure to binge watch instead of studying for midterms. Its what John and Nick would have wanted.
Freshmen using their fakes at Opera for the first time.
4. Rats. They’re everywhere. Returning students are generally desensitized to the presence of rodents on campus, but it feels like they’ve come back with a vengeance this year. This reporter was personally victimized by several SCREECHING critters on the way back from LXR last night. Just throwing it out there—there’s no shame in taking a SafeRide from ICC to Vil A to avoid them.
Walking out of Lau at 2 am like…
5.LIL DICKY is coming to town. Not ~technically~ a Georgetown-specific event, but if you haven’t bought tickets yet for his November 6th show, GET THEM NOW. I’m totally not writing this so I can DM him and tell him that I personally sold tickets on his behalf, causing him to fall in love and have beautiful Jewish babies with me.
Honorary AEPi member
6. Kirstjen Nielsen. While most of us were topping off our tans and drinking vodka lemonades, this Georgetown grad spent her summer separating families and interning children in “tender-age facilities.” I can’t *smh* enough about the work of Kirstjen and her fellow #guilty alum, Mr. Paul Manafort.
What is tax fraud anyway, though?
7.Midterms! I’m not talking about the ones that give you a temporary ulcer and make you question the purpose of higher education. DC is about to be torn apart in a storm of political divisiveness, so hurry up and get yourselves Hillternships ASAP so you can watch it happen. Caveat emptor: you have to actually vote in order to participate.
Oprah for the House, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for the Senate.
8. You’re still playing yourself. Georgetown may be one of the top schools in the country, but even great intellect can’t stop smart people from doing stupid things. Locking yourself out of your room for the third time in three days really makes you question the teachers who told you to dream big back in high school. Here’s to a year full of dumb mistakes…
You are DONE. Finally. This finals season was the worst one in recent memory, but don’t get too comfortable just yet: You still have Move-Out Day. Though not quite as bad as the infamous Move-In Day, it’s still pretty unpleasant. So whether you’re bidding farewell to Harbin or Henle, 4E has got you covered with a step-by-step guide on what to do to make moving out a little less stressful.
1. Hide the Evidence
We know it’s been a while since you’ve interacted with them, but remember, your parents still think you go to Dahlgren Chapel on Sundays — and I am willing to bet that the current state of your room does not lend much support to that idea. So, before your beloved mom and/or dad show up to kindly help you move out, be sure to dispose of all remaining alcohol containers, “controversial” posters and anything you may have acquired from the H*yas for Choice table throughout the year. Move-Out Day is stressful enough as is; don’t make it any worse by having to awkwardly explain to your parents what a “Juul” is and why you currently have one sitting on your desk.
2. Attempt to Clean
Look around: You’ve been living in a literal cesspool for months. Forget romaine lettuce; it’s honestly a miracle that this place didn’t kill you. Every surface is inexplicably sticky. Your floor is covered in crushed Utz chips, empty Chick-Fil-A sauce cups and the remains of that Wingo’s order you dropped on Georgetown Day. At some point during the year, your trashcan became an amorphous “trash corner,” and now you’re really paying the price. Grab some Lysol wipes, rent a vacuum from the nearest RHO and get to work. We all know it won’t really make that much of a difference, but we also know that University President John J. DeGioia isn’t going to spend any of his Tulip money on tackling the campus rodent problem this summer, so a few minutes of tidying up is the least you can do for the sake of next year’s residents.
3. “Pack”
By “pack,” we really mean lie down on your bed and scroll through Instagram while your roommate or mom does most of the work involved in actually packing. If you have a minute to spare between figuring out what’s been going on with the whole Khloe/Tristan situation and getting caught up on whatever that Walmart-yodeling kid is doing these days, you can maybe put some folders in a box or throw some clothes into a backpack. These damn millennials! Lol amirite @EveryoneOverTheAgeofForty?? #lol #juul #relatable #PleasePayMeToWriteAnOpEdAboutThisHipTopic
4. Stress-Cry and/or Get Into an Argument With Your Mom
This is inevitable. Tensions are running high. No one involved in this process is in a good state of mind. You’re exhausted from having to take that “Problem of God” final, and your mom is exhausted from having to put up with you for the past two decades. Something as simple as taking the sheets off your bed or looking for a missing shoe can quickly escalate into complete pandemonium. Godspeed.
5. Say Goodbye
Even though your living space was absolutely disgusting, and you spent the last two weeks exclusively stress-crying in this place, it’s still sad to look around and see it look so empty. You had some good times in [insert residence hall name here]. So, goodbye, rats! Goodbye, black mold! Goodbye, neighbors who blared their terrible “Mr. Brightside”-themed playlist on a never-ending loop for an entire semester. You will be missed.
You’re Finally Done. Thank God. You made it through an entire semester of Bib Lit without ever actually opening a bible. You recognized more than a generous 50% of the words on your Spanish exam. Was your final CPS essay good? Not really, but you met the word count, submitted it on time, and most importantly, you’ll never have to talk to your unreliable graduate-student TA ever again! So say goodbye to that Lau cubicle, shove some random clothes and your Juul charger into a duffel bag, and call an Uber to Union Station: it’s officially ~break~.
You, waving goodbye to the poor souls who still have to take a Sociology final
2. Relaxation
Showering without flip-flops in a bathroom without black mold? Eating a meal that doesn’t involve ramen noodles or flamin’ hot cheetos? Stepping outside and not being greeted by at least a dozen large rats? They should call you King Felipe VI of Spain (G ’95), ‘cause this Hoya is living like royalty. You never knew you would miss suburbia this much. No imminent deadlines, stolen borrowed quizlets, or panic attacks induced by SaxaNet. You have all the time in the world to lounge around the house, send snapchats of your dog, and debate whether or not it’s still ok to binge watch House of Cards (Editor’s note: It’s not. Stick to Friends. David Schwimmer is our last hope).
Not proofreading that final BlackBoard submission like
3. Remembrance
You meet up with your high school squad at the local Applebee’s and reminisce about GonzagaDelbarton your totally unique alma mater. At the wise old age of 20, you fondly look back at the shenanigans of your youth. Remember when you prank called your Calculus teacher? Remember when you stole a beer from your dad’s fridge in the basement? Remember when you said you had “senioritis” but actually continued to try very hard in school because you wanted to go to Georgetown? Haha! Good Times! You weren’t lame at all!
The AP Bio reunion is finna be ~lit~
4. Regret
Ok, it’s been a week and you’ve realized why you were so eager to leave home in the first place. There are no Ubers or places that stay open past 10 pm here. Your parents have an incessant need know where you’re going, who you’re going with, and “is there going to be alcohol there?”. And when you do go out, you have to constantly remind people that you go to Georgetown, not GW and then pretentiously explain why THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT SCHOOLS. You miss procrastinating on Lau 2 with your friends. You miss saying hi to The Wisey’s Rat. You even find yourself missing New Leo’s (not really, but we’ll pretend for the sake of this article). It’s officially time to go back to the Hilltop.
“You go to GW, right?”
5. Return
You tear up as you see Healy from across the Key Bridge. It’s been too long since last you met. You bask in the glow of a new semester, telling yourself that this is the year you finally get it together. No more going out on Tuesday nights or skipping every class that meets before 2 pm. No more eating Wisey’s cookies for dinner or convincing yourself that walking up Lau steps counts as a workout. Yes, you’ll abandon this attitude completely within the next two weeks, but it’s nice to enjoy the “new and improved 2018 you!” while it lasts. You’re reunited with your squad, you’re wearing the one cool piece of clothing you got for Christmas, and you’re ready for Syllabus Week. Hoya Saxa, it’s good to be home.
You, at Chi Di, two hours after you claimed you were going to start counting your drinks this year, ca 2018, colorized.
Despite being 3 months into a school year that has graced us with new Leo’s and a NUG, we still have no new SaxaNet. Maybe this is a cry for help or just an attempt to make sure that we live in a constant state of stress, but one thing is for sure: 4E is here to remind you of all of the things better than our current SaxaNet!
1 . GuestNet.
2. Wisey’s Rat. A cultural icon.
3. NUG (New Uncommon Grounds).
4. Being swerved by Patrick Ewing for a selfie.
5. A closed Quick Pita #neverforget #foreverinourhearts.
6. Sleeping on the ground, waiting for a speaker while it rains (HRC event last year I’m looking at you).
7. The VW Bus in Leo’s.
8. JT3.
9. Just getting up to the Vill A rooftops as the parties are being shut down.
10. Meek Mill getting arrested before Hoya Madness.
11. The President DeGioia Fathead on Vil A.
12. The lines at Whisk at 9 am.
13. Chik-Fil-A closing at 7 pm on a weeknight.
14. Class in St. Mary’s and then in Walsh 15 minutes later.
15. Drinking with your parents.
16. The 2008 Leo’s norovirus outbreak.
17. Walking up the Regents stairs.
18. Rain during the Farmer’s Market.
19. Rats scurrying across your path on the way to Lau 2.
20. The lack of soy milk AND a working blender at Midnight MUG.
27. The one hour three hour wait for Cosí last year (#gonebutneverforgotten).
28. The Walsh elevator.
29. The emergence of Darnall as a #lit dorm.
30. Being rejected from Blue and Gray AND The Corp AND GUASFCU (Thanks Georgetown meme page for showing accurate feels!).
31. Going to Wisey’s at 11:15 pm and finding it closed.
32. The line on Tapingo for Bulldog at 8:01pm (#55thinlinereactsonly).
33. Meeting yet ANOTHER member of the #DirtyJerz during NSO.
34. The Lau fire alarm going off in the middle of midterms season.
35. Sweetgreen’s move to Wisconsin.
36. FINALLY seeing Jack on campus, but he’s not up for photos.
37. Using the last of your flex dollars.
38. Being such a Lau regular that the security guard recognizes doesn’t ask for your GoCard.
39. Starbucks not accepting your free drinks.
40. Paying for Chick-Fil-A.
41. Lau as an entity.
42. The prices at the bookstore.
43. Hilltoss’ new menu.
44. Only getting free samples of apples and peaches from the Farmer’s Market because you spent all of your money.
45. Taking your midterm and realizing that ~studying memes~ on Lau 4 last night did not help.
46. Getting to Farmers Fishers Bakers at 10:35am (just missing First Bake) and having no breakfast.
47. Eating at downstairs Leo’s.
48. Getting to class after your professor has started speaking.
49. Getting rejected from Piano in addition to getting your fake taken.
50. Reading this article using GuestNet.
As much as we complain about it, we can appreciatelike understand Saxanet and its dysfunction. Hopefully by next finals season we’ll have a better version to hate!
As you may have heard, Georgetown’s very own prodigal son is returning home to the Hilltop this week. And as cynical as we usually are here at 4E, this is actually a pretty cool thing. After all, since the events of the past year have forced us to acknowledge that Eric Trump, Steve Bannon, and Paul Manafort are technically alumni, we need to celebrate the Hoyas who didn’t collude with Russia have made a positive impact in the world now more than ever.
But as you prepare to camp outside Gaston to hear his speech, many of you who were born in the late-90s may be asking yourselves, “Who is Bill Clinton?” We know from eavesdropping on Blue and Gray tours that he certainly attended Georgetown, but is he really a Hoya? If he were a student today, would he regularly attend Jersey Night? Would he mourn the loss of Quick Pita? Would he post in the meme group? And more importantly, would his memes be dank? To try to answer some of these pressing questions, we here at 4E briefly skimmed carefully read and took diligent notes on Bill Clinton’s autobiography, My Life, and came to the following conclusion:
Bill Clinton is a true Hoya.
Take a look at our reasoning below:
1. He Loves Wisey’s
The Quote: “At Wisemiller’s Deli, just across Thirty-sixth Street from the Walsh building where I had most of my classes, I got coffee and two donuts for twenty cents every morning”
Our Analysis: Like all good Hoyas, Bill Clinton both loves Wisey’s and eats there way too much. He definitely would have voted for the Hot Chick/Chicken Madness ticket back in the infamous GUSA election of 2016, and is surely a strong supporter of our unofficial school mascot, The Wisey’s Rat™. So the next time you feel guilty about eating Wisey’s cookies for breakfast as you walk in 15 minutes late to your class on the fourth floor of Walsh because the elevator was taking forever, just remember that you will probably grow up to be the President of the United States.
When you call your order in and the wait is only 10 minutes
2. He Never Leaves Campus
The Quote: “In my first two years, I rarely ventured beyond the confines of the University and its immediate surroundings”
Our Analysis: For a true Hoya, Burleith is as exotic as it gets. Yes, just like a vast majority of Hoyas, Bill Clinton fell victim to the Georgetown Bubble. And yes, we know D.C. is a world-class city full of renowned food, art, and culture, but the whole Metro system is confusing and not a lot of places take GoCard. True Hoyas stick to complaining about the lack of options at Leo’s and only venture beyond M street once a semester for Instagram-related purposes. Also “immediate surroundings” is definitely code for Chi Di. We’ll see you there on Thursday, Bill. Hopefully you have a good ID though, they’ve been pretty tough this year.
When someone suggests you should “explore D.C. more”
The Quote: “My most memorable class sophomore year was Professor Walter Giles’s U.S. Constitution and Government… By the time I got to his class I had embraced my lifelong affinity for sleep deprivation and had developed the sometimes embarrassing habit of falling asleep for five or ten minutes of class”
Our Analysis: Same, Bill Clinton. Same. Does it even qualify as a Georgetown class if more than half its students are awake at any given time? Whether it’s in a lecture hall, on Healy Lawn, or in the middle of a professor’s office hours (it happened once), falling asleep at inappropriate times is what we Hoyas do best. Honestly, Bill Clinton, props for doing this well in an era before you could try to stay awake by scrolling through memes on Facebook while the professor thinks you’re taking notes. Side note to any of my professors who accidentally clicked on this article: I love your class! Keep up the good work!
When the professor makes eye contact during the lecture and you have to act like you’re deep in thought over whatever they just said
4. He Has a Capitol Hill Internship
The Quote: On interning for Arkansas Senator William Fulbright, “It was easy to fit the job into my daily schedule, partly because in junior year only five courses were required instead of six, partly because some classes started as early as 7 a.m.”
Our Analysis: If you hadn’t already guessed, Bill Clinton was in the SFS. This quote confirms it. I can practically hear this quote telling me he’s a STIA major and that he has to go study for MAP. Even today, when Bill Clinton meets new people, I guarantee you that he finds some way to mention the SFS. This guy is a Hoya.
When it’s been five minutes and no one has asked about your foreign service background yet
5. He Loves The Tombs
The Quote: “My favorite haunts in Georgetown were the Tombs, a beer hall in a cellar beneath the 1789 restaurant, where most of the students went for beer and burgers”
Our Analysis: Bill Clinton’s Tombs Night was definitely lit. But not too lit, like where you had to call GERMS and the whole night was ruined. It was just the right level of lit, like where everybody danced to “In Da Club” by 50 Cent when the clock hit midnight, and then Bill Clinton got a great Instagram pic of his forehead being stamped by the Tombs bouncer. Every Hoya since John Carrol has made some of their greatest memories at the Tombs. Need we say more?
Actual photo of Bill Clinton getting his forehead stamped on his Tombs Night. On an unrelated note, yes, I am available for freelance photoshop jobs. Serious inquiries only.
So there you have it: Bill Clinton is a Georgetown Hoya. Our diligent research has definitively proved it. We hope you all have fun accidentally falling asleep learning a lot at his speech on Monday- and huge props to the team over at #GUPolitics for making this happen! No disrespect to the time you got Martin O’Malley to play his guitar in McShain Lounge, but this is definitely much cooler than that.
Sources: My Life by Bill Clinton, Tombs.com, Facebook.com, giphy.com, Georgetowndc.com, georgetown.edu
As you sip a Natty at a crowded pregame or wait in line for ~another~ Epi Quesadilla, some of you upperclassmen out there might be pondering a timeless question. To help you find answers, we here at 4E have compiled a list of ten things that you can and can’t do after your freshman year. So pause for a moment and ask yourself…
Am I too old for this?
1) Taking a basic picture of Healy Hall. We all did this within our first days on the Hilltop, and, though we cringe at others for snapping the famed clocktower, most still look at Healy in awe.
Verdict: No, but expect some judgement.
2) Going to frat basement parties. Though I have gone on my fair share of SAE Foxfield buses or Zeta Psi booze cruises, frat parties feel increasingly more like events for freshman. Please let my days of partying in a suspiciously wet Sig Ep basement be over. I would take a Piano Bar night filled with only adults over this. Enough is enough. That being said, the frat boys and pledge bros are still wonderful.
Verdict: Probably yes, unless you are in a frat, in which case, please attend your own events.
3) Waiting in the Georgetown Cupcake line. I didn’t even do this as a freshman because WHO HAS THE TIME?? Waiting 40 minutes for a $4 cupcake with too much frosting is never worth it.
Verdict: Yes, go to Baked & Wired instead.
4) Attending Jersey Night or Thursday Chi Di. Does anyone care?
Verdict: see you all there!!!
5) Getting lost on campus. Our campus is literally 1/18 the size of a state school’s, so I’m pretty sure you should know every building after a few months. Specifically, I mean people struggling with Maguire. I don’t understand why this is the specific location no one can find. The Jesuits are judging you!
Verdict: Get a map. Then again, it’s totally fine if we’re talking about the ICC.
6) Drinking Burnett’s. Not everyone is too old for this, but I can say with some certainty, while nursing my current raging hangover, that I should be upgrading beyond the likes of Mango Burnett’s. I am only too old for this in the ~health~ way. Will I give it up? Likely not — I have a budget.
Verdict: Yes, but who cares?
7) Referencing the Georgetown meme page. Judging by my alumni friends who find the meme page hilarious, there’s no harm in still talking about a classic “Everyone from Georgetown lives in New Jersey or Connecticut”.
Verdict: No, keep tagging away.
8) Village A Rooftop Parties. Power to you if you get there before GUPD shuts it down. Nevertheless, it remains a classic spot on Homecoming and Georgetown Day.
Verdict: Yep… it’s never worth it to be honest.
9) Applying to clubs. While the process certainly becomes more cynical as you get older, you should join anything you want at any age. (I hear 4E accepts freshmen to seniors).
Verdict: No, college is about finding yourself and all that #wholesome.
10) ~Hanging out~ in a freshman dorm. Do you!!!!! Just be safe!!!!!!!!!
Finally, we’re back on (or new to) the Hilltop! So, of course, trying The Corp’s new avocado toast was a top priority for 4E. How will it compare to South Block’s infamous avocado toast? Here are some quick facts:
Price:
The Hilltoss: $6.25 ($4.75 for plain avocado toast; +$1.50 for goat cheese!) South Block: $5.50
Though I ended up paying more at Hilltoss, I ended up getting more product and additional goat cheese!! If I hadn’t gotten the cheese (which you should), Hilltoss would be the way to go for cheaper toast.
Aesthetics:
We all know how important pictures are because the gram is important. So here are some photos for youto take a look yourself and decide which takes the trophy!
The Hilltoss:
South Block:
Availability:
Finally. The Hilltoss is open. Beyond the glass doors was my avocado toast.
The Hilltoss: Unfortunately, the avocado toast is only available for breakfast (8:30AM – 12PM). But it’s a far shorter walk than South Block.
South Block: 0.7mi/14min walk from front gates (Google Maps).
Avocado toast is available during all store hours:
-Weekdays: 8am-7pm
-Saturday: 9am-5pm
-Sunday: 10am-5pm
Taste:
The Hilltoss: Sadly, when I went to taste, the toaster wasn’t working- BUT JOKES ON THEM because I like my bread soft and ~emotional~. The goat cheese was definitely a good addition. But the salt added on the avocado/seasoning was just a little too much with the saltiness already present from the cheese. But that may also be because I have the sensitive palate of a grandma. All in all, 9/10.
South Block: It didn’t meet the expectations I had for South Block. The avocado tasted kind of..eggy? There was way too much salt. Way more than Hilltoss’ avocado toast. Nothing special about it at all. Stick to acai bowls, South Block. All in all, 5/10.
Final Decision:
DRUM ROLL PLEASE…..
The Hilltoss!!
There you have it. Not too shabby, Corp. Not too shabby.
It is that time of the year again; the time where Hoyas can shed off their twenty pound Canada Goose parkas; the time where every weekend, students are double fisting at darties not in Village A but on Village A.
It is finally spring.
Yet, as any D.C. resident knows, it is not truly spring until the cherry blossoms actually, well, blossom. Unfortunately, if you are like the rest of us internet folk/Georgetown students, you will be missing the 5 minutes of beauty for midterms, essays, and HRC’s visit (nbd).
So us, lovely folks, have decided to bring the beauty to you, through the internet, because we are internet folks.
You’re welcome!
And if you feel slightly bitter that you are at Lau and not there, just remember that you live in the greatest city in the world, and near three cupcake stores.
