Finals season may be upon us, but our fall classes are right around the corner, and hopefully, next semester won’t be over Zoom! While Georgetown students have just registered, it’s clear there needs to be a revision of the schedule of classes.
“United States Political Systems?” “Problem of God?” Boring.
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Georgetown clearly needs to spice up its academic roster, and we at the 4E have some suggestions for new classes that are sure to make students cry on registration day when they realize that there are no spots left.
Me, when the entry-level history course I need to take to graduate on time filled up because all of the spaces are reserved for first-years. GIPHY
THEO 666: Cats and Satanism
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The Blue and Gray Tour Guide Society has been complaining that “Dogs and Theology” — which is a real class that I took in fall 2019, shoutout to Father Steck — has not been a compelling enough draw to get prospective students to attend Georgetown. The administration should respond to this with another whammy of a theology-requirement-fulfilling class, by offering the exact opposite. What could be more enticing than a class on Satanism and cats offered by a Jesuit school with a dog mascot? It’s perfect!
MARK 019: Rebranding After a Deadly Pandemic Takes Your Company’s Name
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The unprecedented events of the last year led to one unexpected consequence: a fall in the sale and halted production of Corona beer. How can a company bounce back from such a disastrous naming coincidence? Only the MSBros can find the true answer in this tantalizing class.
INAF 101: Devil’s Advocacy
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This class would be perfect for carefully cultivating Georgetown’s next generation of “Devil’s Advocates!” You know the type: a Pocket Constitution always on hand, always saying that “both sides are to blame,” and always on the lookout for their newest ~victim~ to engage in an unwilling debate.
BIOL 069: The Jesuit Identity and Your Body
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This class, cross-referenced with theology, will explore the relationship between Georgetown’s Jesuit Values and your ~body~ (think: “the birds and the bees,” but if taught by Father Carnes)! With course modules featuring “Hoya No Sex-a” and “How to Use Bathroom Doors as a Propaganda Tool,” this class is sure to hit the perfect balance of scandal and intrigue.
CHEM 411: Mixology
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What could be more scientific than experimenting with delicious drink combinations? This upper-level chemistry elective would be perfect for fulfilling Georgetown’s Science for All core requirement and for ensuring that the Village A rooftop has more to offer (21+) Hoyas than lukewarm Natty Lite. Plus, if your career in consulting doesn’t work out, this class would give a great backup plan for graduation!
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Hopefully this refresh on Georgetown’s course offerings will make our undergraduate population much happier! Keep that GPA up, Hoyas!
Every week, I look forward to one thing and one thing only (and no, it isn’t braving the weekend rush at Call Your Mother or laughing at the throngs of tweens crowding M Street in front of Brandy Melville). It’s the weekly emails telling the Georgetown students just how many COVID-19 cases we have. If you’re me, it’s almost like a guessing game. How many is it gonna be this week? More? Less? Although we all hope that the numbers go down (and that everyone is doing their job to stop the spread), no matter what the results are, one thing is certain: the off-campus students go above and beyond with their test results! At this point in the semester, you’d think the numbers might level out, and you’d be wrong. Why? Because no one’s bringing justice to Georgetown’s Biggest COVID-19 Super-Spreader: Chunky the Panda.
@CHUNKY_THE_PANDA/INSTAGRAM
At first glance, he seems innocent, sweet even. How could a cuddly little panda be the culprit of all these COVID cases?? Here I’ll examine just three of the ways this panda has gotten away with murder.
Exhibit A: The Tour
Chunky entered our lives in the beginning of 2020. With his first Instagram post, his purpose was to bring good vibes to Georgetown. However, he couldn’t stay put in DC for long. As Chunky gained clout on the Hilltop, he took action with his newfound fame. No, he didn’t go to Saddle Ranch to rub elbows with Bryce Hall, Addison Rae, and the rest of the TikTok teens; he went on tour. Chunky decided to reach out to his followers to try and hit all 50 states. Should we really be traveling like this during a pandemic, Chunky? Should we? Think about it.
Exhibit B: The Masks (or should we say lack thereof?)
Chunky is an avid Instagram poster (who can blame him), and in the last year alone he shared pictures of his adventures with his adoring fans a whopping 66 times!
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It’s okay. I understand. Even I get excited when someone takes a good picture of me, but that isn’t the problem here. The panda is. Chunky is visiting new people almost every week, and only two of his 66 posts have him wearing a mask. Even giving Chunky the benefit of the doubt (stuffed panda sized masks might be hard to come by) seems a bit too hard; I hardly doubt Chunky’s COVID-19 pod is that large. At the very least give us the One Medical results, Chunky.
Exhibit C: The Vaccine
@CHUNKY_THE_PANDA/INSTAGRAM
You would think that Chunky getting vaccinated is a good thing! Wrong. Chunky is stealing vaccines from the elderly :( Not cool Chunky. Plus, I’m not a medical expert, but it seems like that vaccine next to Chunky wasn’t even punctured by a needle. Are they really injecting you Chunky? Or is this a photo-op to lead people off your trail as a super-spreader?? I’m inclined to believe the latter. Plus, this picture was posted Feb. 2, and it has been over a full month. Where’s the second dose Chunky? Oh wait, it isn’t there. Not even on your Instagram stories. Why? Because you didn’t even get the first one.
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As we can see through my incredibly astute research, the reason the Georgetown off-campus community is still being hit by COVID-19 is due to none other than the last person (or sentient plush panda) we would expect, and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if in Chunky’s next post we see him clubbing in Miami for Spring Break. I’m sure nobody would bat an eye.
Due to the ongoing public health crisis, Georgetown has decided the majority of students will remain home for the fall 2020 semester. Hoyas received a taste of online learning during the spring of 2020, but this fall, admin has spared no expense to offer a semester with even more precision and in-depth planning than the last.
Photorealistic representation of McKinsey consultants unraveling and editing DeGioia’s reopening plan.
While this won’t be the semester anyone had envisioned, we may as well prepare for what lies ahead. The 4E is here to offer you a ~sneak preview~ of your online fall semester!
John DeGioia, do your worst.
Classes:
With full course loads and asynchronous lectures, Hoyas everywhere can expect ~The Grind~ to never stop!
Chad from Apple Pie Delta gets frustrated during his OPIM lecture.
The Grind, of course, comes with its own challenges. Living at home means parents and younger siblings interrupting lectures and valuable study time. Staring at your online class crush covertly (or even enlarging their picture in Zoom) is enough of a distraction!
There’s no place like Lau 4! There’s no place like Lau 4!There’s no place like Lau 4!
There are some bright sides to online classes, though. Over Zoom, Hoyas can live out their reality television star dreams by sitting in their very own confessional square! Use the background of your favorite Confessional Booth™, and, suddenly, you too are a Kardashian!
Me trying to get through a 9 a.m. economics lecture.
Hoyas can also take advantage of the small screen to show off their quarantine fits. Of course, stunting in Lau is a Georgetown tradition, so you can bet some students will be angling their cameras juuust right to show off a glimpse of that Gucci belt!
Sweatpants and slippers are also a ~stellar~ option.
Parties:
While the Vil A rooftop won’t be baptized with the annual syllabus week parties to kick off the semester, online classes can’t stop Hoyas from turning up! Zoom parties will be just like regular ones, only much less sweaty. And you’ll have complete control over the aux (and a mute button)!
The “Devil’s Advocate” from your political theory class acting like a young Ben Shapiro after drinking two White Claws again? Mute him!
These Zoom parties will have an unlimited capacity for fun guests, so no need for a pledge asking freshmen at the door, “Who do you know here?” Just don’t be surprised when your friends 8+ timezones away from you ~darty~ while you ~party~!
Class of 2024 crashing seniors’ exclusive Zoom parties.
To top it all off, Natty Light will also no longer be the only alcoholic option for (21+) Hoyas to enjoy! Nothing says “lit” like the unopened red wine your mom got as a gift in 2016!
Clubs:
While parties can easily be transitioned online, Georgetown’s Club Culture™ is harder to recreate over the internet.
How can the Hoyas get rejected from The Corp if there’s no coffee to serve in the first place?
Some of Georgetown’s most ~exclusive~ clubs will have to transition online for recruitment, initiation and everything in between! This may serve as a huge advantage for the business crowd: No more running across campus in suits only to be rejected by the consulting club of your choice! For other clubs, it may not be as simple, resulting in a few hiatuses.
An exclusive look into GU Eating Society’s next gathering.
Reminder: The Hoya is always looking for new talent ;)
Work-Study and Internships:
Many students lost their on-campus jobs in the spring, including students working at Lauinger Library and Yates and as student guards. To compensate for this sudden unemployment, Georgetown is offering a number of online work-study positions.
Georgetown isn’t known for its IT positions (I’m looking at you, always empty UIS Service Desk on the third floor of Lau), but in this unprecedented time, innovation in student work is necessary. The 4E personally brainstormed ideas for online jobs for Hoyas:
Zoom Bombing Student Guard
Exam Proctor (see: Narc)
OnlyFans Content Creator
Author Of a Book Written in Quarantine Set To Be Published In April 2021
“Tennis Coach”
We also can’t forget those students experiencing remote internships! Let’s hear it for our remote Hillterns™!
“The West Wing” but make it ~virtual~
Traditions:
Hoyas already missed out on Georgetown Day 2020, so we deserve a fun homecoming at the very least. Even though there will be no football, we all know that, at Georgetown, homecoming is never about the football anyway.
“Homecoming” can take on a new and more literal meaning in this quarantine. Hoyas could flood campus for a weekend in September (while social distancing, of course) to bring us together for the first time since March and keep the Georgetown spirit alive!
Hoya Saxa!
Students turning 21 will also have to adapt the Tombs Night tradition to an online platform. When The Tombs finally reopens, you can bet most of the bar’s patrons will be stamping their foreheads to make up for their missed birthdays. But for now, a postal stamp and a speech on Zoom will have to do.
A cake also couldn’t hurt. Or, if you’re anything like me, try a piñata!
Spring:
While the future opening status of Georgetown is unknown, we can all do our part to stay safe now to be together as a family in the future.
Where’s your mask, Andy Samberg?
For now, live your Georgetown career without regret! DM that cutie in your theology class on Canvas! Take “International Finance” pass/fail! Email your TA to round up your grade! Catfish your professor by using a hot person’s photo as your Zoom avatar!
From all of us at the 4E, stay healthy Hoyas! We hope to see you on campus soon!
