Is It Too Late Now to Say Sorry? An Open Apology Letter to the Neighborhood

Sorry neighbor post

For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, the Washington City Paper recently wrote an article detailing the deplorable behavior of Georgetown students at this year’s annual Homecoming Celebration.

One local resident aptly described the experience as “one of the worst I have ever endured.” And we, here at 4E, could not agree more. We would like to not only apologize for the actions of all Georgetown students, but also recommend some drastic changes to ensure that this kind of behavior does not happen again next year.

Sorry for our alcohol consumption.

This one would make anyone upset. I’m sure our neighbors were shocked and appalled by both the quality and methods of alcohol consumption by the average 21+ Georgetown student at Homecoming. Improperly-shotgunning a can of Natty you found in the courtyard of Vil B? Taking straight shots of Cinnamon Burnett’s in the backyard of a random townhouse?

Come on guys, we can do better.

Improvements will be made and definitive steps will be taken to fix this problem. For Homecoming 2017, we at 4E propose the strict enforcement of minimum quality standards for all alcohol consumed throughout Georgetown. Next year, we hope our neighbors will be pleased to find students chugging warm cans of only the most refined craft beers, such as Bud or Coors Lite, and rest assured, we will make sure students remember to use chasers as they take shots of Raspberry or at the very least, Peach Burnett’s.

We apologize for blaring Closer by The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey on repeat all day.

This one is definitely on us. It’s a well-known fact that most Georgetown residents only enjoy the Chainsmoker’s older material and Halsey has gone way too mainstream for their taste. Based on lyrics alone, we should have guessed that they would hate this song. Contrary to popular belief, a vast majority of the Georgetown crowd actually can afford that Rover, and these days only a small number of them sport the requisite shoulder tattoos necessary for the choral bite.

I’ve been told by several inside sources that our neighbors would have strongly preferred if we had instead played Broccoli by D.R.A.M ft. Lil’ Yachty on a constant loop throughout the day. Neighbors, we hear you and we are sorry. Next year, we will stay away from the EDM all together and stick solely to playing loud trap music starting at 7 A.M.

We regret our ostentatious celebration after winning the football game.

This one is completely out of line. Most Georgetowners moved to the neighborhood with the expectation that the football team would win no more than three games per year. So starting the season at 3-0? Completely unacceptable. As the Washington City Paper aptly reported, the victory clearly spurred complete chaos. Here on campus, there were widespread reports throughout the day of several students clapping, displaying school spirit, and even going so far as to discuss the possibility of attending another football game later in the season.

This must be stopped.

Next year, we promise we will resume the longstanding tradition of freshman not knowing where the football field is located and the rest of us preemptively complaining about JT III months before basketball season starts.

We beg forgiveness regarding the comments of “The Wobbly Blonde Undergraduate.”

One diligent Georgetowner recalled her terrifying Homecoming ordeal to the Washington City Paper, reporting that, “I was told by a wobbly, blonde undergrad in slurred tones that I should have expected this before I moved here.” I personally am appalled by this one.

First of all, how could anyone expect this poor woman to know that there was a 227 year old major American university with more than 7,000 undergraduate students just down the road before she moved in? Who would expect such a thing in Georgetown of all places?

Secondly, a student daring to assert their opinion to an adult is bad enough, but a blonde undergrad having the audacity to speak up? This is nothing short of unacceptable. We all know these blondes are out of control. If they think they can do this, they’ll think they can do anything! If we don’t take action soon, what will the blondes think they can do next? Run for President? The anarchy must stop.

And so, our dear fellow Georgetonians, we hope you accept our sincerest apologies and thoroughly consider our suggested changes. Hoya Saxa and see you next year.

Disclaimer: We actually like blondes. Wobbly Blonde Undergraduate, you do you!

Gifs: giphy.com, https://bit.ly/2dTDmYV

4E Brings you a Close Read of ‘Closer’

Banner - CloserHey, I was doing just fine until…. the lyrics of Closer became permanently embedded in my ear drums. At any given point, the Chainsmokers’ chart-topping hit is playing somewhere on the Georgetown campus and can be avoided only by boycotting Snapchat stories (in which someone is inevitably videoing himself or herself singing along) and other cautionary actions short of putting in earplugs and hiding in your dorm room.

I would like to raise some concerns about the art form that is Closer by the Chainsmokers ft. Halsey:

  1. The song frequently ambiguously refers to a “rover.” Are we talking about a Range Rover? A Land Rover? A Mars Exploration Rover? Presumably the latter, but it’s unclear.
  1. The verse:            “So baby pull me closer in the backseat of your Rover

That I know you can’t afford

Bite that tattoo on your shoulder

Pull the sheets right off the corner

Of the mattress that you stole

From your roommate back in Boulder

We ain’t ever getting older”

…is first sung by Andrew Taggert and then repeated by Halsey, presenting a few problems. Do both protagonists own Rovers? This is economically improbable, especially taking into consideration that they both are frequenting hotel bars (Are they presumably cheap?), though both reference the other not being able to afford said Rover. I think the takeaway here is that both of our protagonists are financially irresponsible.

Do they both have tattoos on their shoulders? The listener should consider that they possibly got these tattoos together. Maybe this is what initiated “four years, no call,” because they look something like this:

  1. Why and how is there a mattress in the backseat of the Rover? The standard size of a twin XL mattress (popular in the esteemed college dormitory design community) is 39 x 80 inches. A Range Rover back seat (many thanks to the Vehicle Specification page of landroverusa.com) is 50.8 inches wide with 70.1 inches of floor space. In conclusion, a mattress would not fit in this space, unless the back seats were folded down, which would still result in minimal room for activities that result in pulling the sheets off the corner of this mattress.

Lastly, the music video must be addressed. What happened here?! The music video is horrible. There is no correspondence to the beat or the storyline of the song. We get two people who are clearly well acquainted (what happened to “four years, no call”?) frolicking on a beach (they are supposed to be in a city…). There are no hotel bars, no ROVERS, and no stolen mattresses. Taking all aforementioned inconsistencies into account, for all we know, these people are getting older.

Disclaimer: I am still obsessed with this song. It has taken up permanent residence at the top of my “Going Out (to study, of course)” playlist.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, youredm.com