25 Things That Lasted Longer Than Pete and Ariana’s Relationship

Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande have broken up. I can’t say I’m surprised, but at the same time, I am. On the bright side, it beats Kim Kardashian’s 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries.

Here are 20 things that have lasted longer than Pete and Ari’s fleeting engagement:

  1. The time it takes for Royal Jacket to give me my pre-made sandwich
  2. Brett Kavanaugh’s FBI investigation
  3. My good mood after a night at Grand Central
  4. Walmart Yodeling Kid’s career
  5. “Big Bootie 14”
  6. The “I’m gonna go to Yates every Monday, Wednesday and Friday” phase after New Year’s
  7. A macro lecture with Prof. Carol Rogers
  8. That period of time when clowns killed people
  9. A late-night Snapchat from a ~lonely boy~ at 2 a.m.
  10. The moment of silence for that person who drops their food in downstairs Leo’s
  11. Any friendship made at a sweaty NSO party
  12. The lifespan of the Wisey’s rat
  13. A nap after an SAE darty
  14. iPhone X battery life
  15. Random fire alarms in Lau during finals season
  16. A leftover Epi quesadilla
  17. The time it took for Lil Wayne to drop his album
  18. A basic Instagram Boomerang in front of Healy on a sunny day
  19. The flavor of Wisey’s Oreo cookies
  20.  Any Vil A rooftop party
  21. The time it takes for the Copley elevator to go from the first floor to the second
  22. The Ice Bucket Challenge trend
  23.  Kim K’s botox
  24.  A hug with Jack the Bulldog
  25.  That time you were pre-med

Sources: giphy.com, wireimage.com

Overheard At Epi

After having a ~fun~ night filled with about seven too many shots of lime Burnett’s, we all somehow inevitably end up at Epi. At this point, it’s a Georgetown tradition to drunkenly eat way more chicken quesadillas than our stomachs can possibly hold. Of course, though, while enjoying the food and ambiance of Epicurean, we are also bound to eavesdrop overhear some rather interesting conversations:

The Drunken Breakups

I’ve witnessed an abnormal amount of drunken breakups occur at Epi in my first year. The first one takes the prize for being the most entertaining to watch…

(I know, I know. I’m a horrible person sometimes, but aren’t we all?)

I remember sitting down in an Epi booth  my first weekend at Georgetown and hearing, “BUT I STILL LOVE YOU.”  Five seconds into the conversation, I was seriously invested. I did what anyone would do: I casually looked over. Picture it: A blatantly sober girl near tears and a blatantly drunk boy staring at his phone.

The awkward tension — filled with silent pauses, quiet sniffles and violently fast texting noises — was finally brought to an end when the girl slammed her hands down on the table and screamed, “JUST LOOK AT ME AND TALK TO ME.”

By this point, the horrible part of me was quite invested as I tried to sneakily watch this intense showdown while scarfing down my quesadilla. It was as though a staged and poorly-acted reality TV show was unfolding before me — truly the best late night entertainment.

But that’s not all. Perhaps the best — or worst, depending on how good of a human being you are — part was when the guy suddenly looked up at his supposed girlfriend, held his phone out and asked: “Hey, isn’t this girl hot?”

He paused to glance around as if he knew he had gathered an audience by this point and said, “We should probably end things now.”

All I can say is RIP to that relationship.

 Fork Theft 

Unless you brought your own silverware to college and never have to worry about being out of forks, knives and spoons, you’ve probably suffered while trying to eat a midnight snack.

Often, I find myself laying in bed, watching “That 70’s Show,” too lazy to make my way over to Leo’s. So, naturally, I make myself some Easy Mac, only to realize I am forkless.

More often than I’d like to admit, I wander into Epi in the late hours of the night, making my way over to the silverware section while waiting for food. Naturally, I ask myself what any sane and reasonable person would ask at 1 a.m.: “How many forks should I steal?”

I’m not alone. Just last week, I heard another girl ask her friend that question. The girl then proceeded to grab a fistful of forks and carelessly stuff them in the pockets of her jeans. Stay classy, Georgetown.

“Hey, can I have a bite of that?” 

I’d like to think all of us are giving, caring people who would help out a friend in need. Unfortunately, my giving, caring soul suddenly turns into an evil teenage girl when my food is at stake.

Imagine this: A girl sits down in a drunken stupor, happily gazing at a perfect grilled cheese. She picks it up, about to take the most satisfying bite when her friend taps her shoulder, his face moving close to her food while saying, “Hey, can I have a bite of that?”

Then without waiting for a proper response, he takes a gigantic bite out of her sandwich. That was probably the first time my heart actually broke. I’ve never felt so bad for another person.

Final Thoughts

I think we can come to the general consensus that the most profound, enlightening and insightful of conversations occur at Epi in the wee hours of the morning. And remember, if you want to steal all the plastic forks and spoons, bring a bag.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, thehoya.com

Georgetown Themed Breakup Lines

Banner - BreakupsUnhappy with your current bae? Stuck in a relationship that you want out of STAT, but don’t know how to convey it? With Valentine’s Day rolling around, these questions need to be dealt with immediately, before you are stuck at an expensive and annoying dinner with said lacking bae.

Thankfully, the place (AKA the single AF girl) who brought you Georgetown themed pickup lines and Georgetown themed rejection lines is back for one more round. Now, it’s time for part three: the best Georgetown themed break-up lines.

breakup-gif-go-fuck-yourself

I would love to keep dating you, but I prefer to spend my time people watching in Lau.

Our love is like the ICC: complicated and not worth putting effort into.

I Bleed Hoya Blue, but that doesn’t mean I love you. 

I hate your GUTS.

Hoya Hoya Saxa, it’s time to face the fact-a that this relationship isn’t working.

I’m liberally leaving this relationship, no continuity.

Lie down forever lie down.

You’re not the only Hot Chick in my life.

Let’s be like the printers in ICC and break [up] permanently.

The Dahlgren Fountain is deeper than you are.

I wish our relationship was a victim of the Cherry Tree Massacre.

You are like the Walsh elevators, too slow and not worth waiting for.

It’s not you, it’s your Corp order.

ICC you cheated on me.

Our relationship has less than 99 days left. 

And, for those of you who love 4E: I’m leaving you 4Ever

Hope these lines bring you some luck in ending those god awful relationships. And those on the receiving side, you probably should have seen this coming…

Photos/Gifs: blog.peekawoo.com; tumblr.com; smosh.com, addiction.com

A Guide to Holiday Breakups

winterbreakups

As the New Year approaches, you may want to start considering some potential resolutions for 2015. Perhaps you want to stop taking Buzzfeed quizzes or going on Netflix binges when you really should be cramming for that Econ exam tomorrow. Or maybe you really feel like you need to shed some dead weight (either figuratively or literally).

If you opt for the latter resolution, and interpret it in a more metaphorical rather than literal sense, then 4E is here to lend you a helping hand as we present the top 5 ways to breakup with your significant other this holiday season.

  1. The “I got rabies from a reindeer” Text: Shoot your significant other a text informing them that you have recently contracted rabies as you were bit by a wandering reindeer on campus and are no longer able to be involved in the relationship. Make sure you emphasize that it’s not them, it’s really you and your foaming mouth that’s ending things. You’ll seem super considerate for taking on all of the blame for your relationship woes, which your soon to be ex will surely appreciate.
          
  2. Choreographed Dance to “Let It Go”:  It’s a known fact that everyone loves the element of surprise, especially when it comes to a relationship. So why not make the end of your relationship the biggest surprise of all? Choreograph an entire routine to “Let It Go” with the help of some background dancers, just like all the proposal videos you’ve inevitably watched on Youtube. You can think of it as your anti-proposal for your soon-to-be-ex. This option is a great way to prove just how thoughtful and creative you are, as you put so much effort into your breakup.
  3. Anti-Pickup Line Candy Gram:  Since it’s the holiday season, a lot of groups are selling candy grams all over campus. Swing by one of their stands and purchase one for your significant other. Make sure to include some sort of cheesy anti-pickup line so they know that isn’t your average holiday-themed candy gram.  We recommend something along the lines of “Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?”. While the sting of rejection might hurt, the candy they’ll receive with your witty note is sure to dull the pain!
  4. Christmas Song Themed Letter: Nothing gets you in the holiday spirit quite like some Christmas carols! Sprinkle some of your favorite lyrics into a traditional breakup letter and you’ll end up with the most festive approach of all. Some lyrical suggestions include: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas without you” or “Joy to the world, my freedom from you has come”. Make sure to sign the letter with “Have a holly, jolly Christmas!” so they know that you don’t want any hard feelings to exist!
  5. The “I’m Moving to the North Pole” Convo: When all else fails meet up with your significant other in person and inform them that you are moving to the North Pole to fulfill your lifelong goal of becoming Buddy the Elf. Invest in an elf costume and continually quote the legendary movie throughout your conversation so it seems like you’re being genuine. When your former girlfriend/boyfriend refuses to believe you, pretend to receive a very important phone call and answer by saying “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” as you slowly back away and fade out of their life…

It is beginning to look a lot like freedom. And may all your breakups be merry and brief.

Gifs: tumblr.com, reactiongifs.us

Photo: https://images.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_600/631_holiday-break-ups-1055439-flash.jpg