What’s A Boya?

All Hoya ladies know that, like rats and out-of-order bathroom stalls, f–kboys abound on the Hilltop.

See Snakes of Georgetown to learn about GU’s most prevalent demographic.

The mixture of confidence, political-mindedness and neurosis within Georgetown men is a veritable Molotov cocktail of personality traits, which can be triggered to explode by both academic debate and debauched social gatherings.

Before you accuse me of misandry, a disclaimer: #NotAllMen.

Especially not Armie Hammer and his spectacular dance moves.

Some guys at Georgetown are absolute diamonds — ladies, if you find them, hold on tight. However, some Hoya boys (henceforth known as “Boyas”) are still in a little more of a “coal” phase.

Donald Trump attempting to dig up an alibi, 2017 (colorized).

Love them or hate them — and usually it’s a confusing mixture of both —  Boyas are a group to watch.

Since 2018 is sure to be another year of, like, realizing stuff, please consult this guide to educate yourself on how to spot a Boya, both at a distance and up close.

Side note: Welcome to the world, Stormi!

Without further ado:

1. When he uses the Jesuit values to justify late-night booty calls.

2. If his room has a distinctly “fiscally conservative, socially liberal” aesthetic.

Romney 2012 poster, Vineyard Vines blanket and GUASFCU mug = red flags.

3. When he asks you for your NetID.

Okay, maybe you’re doing a group project together, but ladies, we all know what this guy wants. Sliding into your Gmail is the ~ultimate~ Boya move.

4. If every time you text him “what’s up?” he replies, “at Yates 💪🚨💯.”

Boyas be #gettin #those #gains.

5. If he wears his Patagucci like it’s a uniform.

6. When Chad is the name and ghosting is the game.

 ✌ out.

7. If his party attitude can best be described as “hit it and quit it.”

In conclusion: don’t play yourself.

Patrick Ewing knows what’s up.

Best of luck, ladies! Stay vigilant.

Sources: giphy.com, popkey.com, free-stock-illustration.com

When You Give a 15-Year-Old Boy a Cosmopolitan

Cosmo-logo-high-res_0The following is a reaction to “When You Give a 14-Year-Old Boy a Cosmopolitan,” because it’s been a year and nobody else did one.

Cosmopolitan has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. Full of expertise from articles like “Meow!: Why Acting Just Like a Cat Will Get People to Come to You” and “Why Men Cheat in August” (look out, ladies), you can’t help but to be at least somewhat entertained. And with the one exception to when I was sat next to a priest, I still read one every time I travel by plane.

In preemptive SWUG style, I decided to do another article in the same format as the sole article I wrote last year. In “When You Give a 14-Year-Old Boy a Cosmopolitan,” I read my younger brother a Cosmo article to gather his interpretation of what men really out of a relationship. However, this time is completely different because Jameson is 15 now, which means he another of year of experience under his belt (and, as well all know, freshman year of high school is pretty much the peak of everyone’s romantic life).

Now at 5’6 3/4”, 118 lbs, Jameson can do several reps benching the bar with only a little bit of help. This notorious Wellesley High bachelor brings to the table athleticism, geometry skills, and a passing grade in physics. A former lady-killer at the Bar Mitzvah scene, Jameson has recently ascended to the political throne of class secretary, and is now looking for the perfect little first lady to watch PG-13 movies with and quiz him on his French vocab. And though he may not be allowed to ride in the front seat of the Chevy suburban, he’s ready to take the full reigns of a lady’s heart.

I sat down with Jameson earlier this summer with a copy of Cosmo’s article, Body Language Decoder.” Having done a similar interview before, he evaded any signs of nervousness by lying down in a sluggish position, digesting the 4:00 p.m. dinner of a whole box of pasta and alfredo sauce.

Me: Jameson, would you consider yourself a body language expert?
Jameson: Sure, why not.

Me: Why?
Jameson: I have a body of my own.

Me: Would you consider yourself a relationship expert?
Jameson: No.

Me: Why not?
Jameson: I haven’t been in a relationship.

And given our family history, that won’t change for a while.

For our readers who missed this Cosmo article for any reason, it lists physical descriptions or actions that men may exhibit during a specific point in a relationship and then decodes their body language to reveal what men are really thinking. I read to Jameson the description of each of these actions and asked him to analyze what these signs really mean without telling him Cosmo’s interpretation. His reactions are listed below:

SERIOUSLY INVOLVED: HE KISSES YOUR FOREHEAD
Cosmo: A true romantic, this sensitive dude will not only whip up a dinner for you (served by candlelight), he’ll ask about your day while he’s at it.
Jameson: He doesn’t know where your mouth is.

FIRST MEETING: HE LIFTS HIS EYEBROWS
Comso: When a man sees someone he’s into, he’ll automatically lift and lower his eyebrows, wrinkling his forehead in the process. But you’ll have to keep your eyes peeled to catch a glimpse of this telltale signal.
Jameson: He’s a creep.

DATING: HE LAUGHS EASILY
Cosmo: The guy is relaxed and able to be himself with you. “He’s letting his guard down and comfortable expressing his emotions, which a man usually does when he’s thinking long-term,” says relationship expert Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, coauthor of “Why Can’t You Read My Mind?”
Jameson: Is the girl funny?
Me: Let’s say she’s OK-funny, but she’s no Amy Schumer.
Jameson: Ok, well, then he likes you.

FIRST MEETING: HE HOLDS A LOOONG, PIERCING GAZE
Cosmo: Although you may think he’s smitten, he could be playing you. Holding intense eye contact for more than five seconds doesn’t happen naturally, so he may be using the look as a seduction technique to get you into bed.
Jameson: He likes to stare.

DATING: HE PROUDLY HOLDS YOUR HAND IN PUBLIC
Cosmo: He wants to show the world that you’re his. That indicates that he’s the type who craves close partnership.
Jameson: He’s not afraid to commit. And he doesn’t care what the general public thinks.
Me: Would you ever hold my hand in public?
Jameson: No. Maybe if you were falling down or something.

SERIOUSLY INVOLVED: HE SWEEPS A STRAND OF YOUR HAIR OUT OF YOUR FACE WHILE GAZING INTO YOUR EYES
Comso: When this is done in public, it’s a declaration of your togetherness. In private, it’s a way to say silently, “I want to take care of you.”
Jameson: You had hair in the way of your eyes.

FIRST MEETING: HE STANDS OR SITS WITH HIS TOES POINTED TOWARD EACH OTHER
Cosmo: This means he’s feeling a little unsure of himself. So if a boy at the bar is striking this pose, he’s digging you but needs reassurance that the interest is mutual.
Jameson: He’s has a foot problem. He might be pigeon-toed.

SERIOUSLY INVOLVED: HE BEAR HUGS YOU GOODBYE
Cosmo: A guy who frequently says goodbye with a bear hug is comfortable with showing you the love. He’s confident about the relationship and his future with you. A total-body squeeze in his subconscious way of letting you know he’s committed.
Jameson: He’s comfortable around your body — literally.

ON THE ROCKS: HE SHIFTS IN HIS CHAIR OR TAPS HIS FINGERS
Cosmo: These tics may make it seem like he’s just plain nervous, but if they’re done while he’s explaining himself to you, they actually indicate that he could be fibbing.
Jameson: It’s an uncomfortable chair. Or he’s just thinking a lot. By repositioning his body he’s repositioning his eyes and how he looks at you.
Me: You’re so meta.

ON THE ROCKS: HE CLENCHES HIS FISTS
Cosmo: Unconsciously making fists is a common sign of a temper that’s teetering on blowing. It’s a conditioned reflex for men to prepare for a fight when they’re angry.
Jameson: He’s angry. He’s feeling defensive, maybe.

DATING: HE EXTENDS HIS PALM
Cosmo: When a guy offers his palm to you faceup, you know hands down he’s hooked. He’s literally and figuratively reaching out to the person he’s speaking with in an attempt to connect on a deeper emotional level.
Jameson: Uh, he wants you to touch his hand.
Me: And why would he want you to do that?
Jameson: I don’t know.
Me: I thought you were a body language expert.
Jameson: I have my flaws.

SERIOUSLY INVOLVED: HE WALKS IN SYNC WITH YOUR STRIDE
Cosmo: Strolling down the street together, arm in arm, signals a harmony between you. This is your way of facing the world as a united pair. And as an added bonus, you’re not only comfortable in the relationship, you also possess real trust.
Jameson: That’s kind of weird, why doesn’t he just walk normally? Maybe he likes copying what you’re doing.
Me: That sounds like a serial killer.

DATING: HE HAS A BIG, BROAD EXPRESSION, OFTEN WITH EVERYTHING SHOWING — TEETH, GUMS…CAVITIES
Cosmo: Consider it the “Wow, you give me butterflies. I’m head over heels’ smile.” If it’s accompanied by a hearty laugh, look out. If he were any more into you, he might drop down on one knee.
Jameson: He’s not afraid to display those pearly whites — sounds like he’s open to just being himself around you.

ON THE ROCKS: HE LOOKS UP AND TO THE LEFT
Cosmo: The next time you ask him a sticky question or he wants to explain himself to you, notice which way he looks. If his eyes move up to the right, he’s recalling information from his memory. If he looks up to the left, there’s a good chance that he’s inventing the answer.
Jameson: Why the left?
Me: I don’t know.
Jameson: Can he only look left?
Me: He’s not Zoolander.
Jameson: I don’t know … he’s looking away, it’s hard for him to make eye contact, because that would make him upset, or angry. Or he just can’t turn right.

Me: Jameson, do you have any ending comments?
Jameson: Follow me on Twitter, buy my mixed-tape: @jamesononeil, and I don’t actually have a mixed-tape.

Me: Any comments specifically to the lady readers out there?
Jameson: Uh, no. But take out the beginning part about me looking for a little first lady.

Photo: cosmopolitan.com

POG Study Guide

70918ee4ab004f5d6c4889f5a2c27114Greetings fellow freshmen and a happy finals season to all! Guess what’s coming up?! The POG Final!

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(Disclaimer: that’s pronounced pog, like dog, frog, log, jog, clog, bog and smog.)

Given our glamorous location at the oldest Catholic School in the country, I figure most of us are pretty well versed in religion so I will try not to be too condescending.

Also, given that the POG final’s official exam date is not until May 9th and the various commendable Problem of God professors have chosen their own respective design styles, we have considered only the larger umbrella points that will be helpful to all, POG students and muggles included, to navigate the universe within(?) them. To help us all prepare for not only this glorious final, but for the rest of our lives, 4E has come up with some questions and terms to ponder:

  1. What is the meaning of life?

 Is it “I just want to be successful” by Drake and Trey Songz????

…Or is it “Seasons of Love” from Rent?

2. Evolution: Let us provide you with a few examples:

celebrity_transformations_josh-peck

Josh!!! What happened?

n-neville-longbottom--large-msg-1334623995

Anyone remember Neville Longbottom?

miley-cyrus-before-and-after

Hannah Montana; Miley?

3. Creationism– Here’s how it’s done:

4. Who is God?

Is it Ryan?

giphy-3

Our very own Bradley?

giphy-2

NOPE… It’s Morgan Freeman.

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Alas, 5. What is God?

Screen Shot 2015-04-30 at 2.53.55 PM

Well, we suppose this one’s up for you to decide.

Happy studying!

photos/gifs: giphy

Lau Really is a Club!

spicy

D.C. has a ton of clubs: Cities, Eden or whatever the newest rage is… you get the point. Clubs and bars are fun to go to, but nothing can take the place of Georgetown’s very own Lauinger Library, the ultimate club.

Confused? Lau is basically the party of the year and by being a Georgetown student you are automatically invited!

Here are six ways a night at Lau is exactly like a night at the club:

1. Boys there ignore me.

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2. It’s hard to tolerate without copious amounts of alcohol.

3. The area next to the (coffee) bar is always the most crowded.

But I just wanted a caramel soy latte!
But I just want a chai tea latte!

4. The bathroom never has soap or paper towels after the weekend.

5. You usually stay well past 2am.

Circa 4am
Circa 4am

6. It’s full of underage college students.

Next time you are feeling bored and restless, save yourself a few bucks, put on your cutest yoga pants and hoodie and head across campus to Lauinger.

Photos/Gifs: tumblr.com; imgur.com; https://thetally.efinancialnews.com/; blog.goodosphere.com/

When You Give a 14-Year-Old Boy a Cosmopolitan

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Cosmopolitan is the traditional guilty pleasure beach read of young women across the nation, boasting of insider knowledge like “The Touch that Locks Down His Love,” “How to Go from Blah to OMG in 60 Seconds Flat” and “Could Your Man Be Gay?” (all of which are real headlines).

Cosmo has always had a special place in my heart; I remember being a rebellious 16-year-old, buying one and reading it aloud with my girlfriends behind Pinkberry. We giggled and blushed at the articles and quizzes, surveying our horoscopes and flinching at the diagrams (these were my pre-HBO years). The boy advice was especially valuable. Not that I talked to boys then, but if I did, I imagine this advice would be especially valuable.

Though Cosmo seemed to have a biblical element about it back then, I’ll admit now some of the articles about what they universally lump together as the “male perspective” are kind of ridiculous. So I turned to one of the males I’m closest to and asked for his opinion on one of the many “what men think” articles. And even though Jameson is only 14, he’s the only brother I have and the one guy I knew who would take my calls (mostly kidding about that last part).

Jameson has been to several Bar Mitzvahs and uses Axe 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner, evidence of budding manhood that qualifies him to comment on Cosmo’s “Manthropology” section. And though he may not have the same perspective as “Tad C., 25” or “Jason S., 28” from the Guy-fessions section, I think he contributes to the male perspective.

The article I chose was called “18 Ways He Secretly Says ‘I Love You’” found in Cosmo’s online archives from April of this year. It lists actions guys do or phrases they say, and decodes what these signs really mean. So I told Jameson each of these male behaviors without telling him Cosmo’s analysis, and asked what he thought a guy meant by doing them. The comparison is shown below.

He gives you the last bite of dessert.

Cosmo: He knows chocolate means more to you than it does to him, and he won’t fight you for it.

Jameson: He’s full.

He cleans up after dinner even if he cooked when he knows you’re tired.

Cosmo: He doesn’t mind breaking the “you cook, I clean” rule or vice versa if he knows you just need to crash at 9 like an old lady one night.

Jameson: Maybe he likes cleaning.

He asks all the women he knows for help picking out your birthday present.

Cosmo: Because he knows you return EVERYTHING and is determined to get you something you won’t want to return.

Jameson: I guess he just doesn’t know a lot about the girl.

[I hear my mother’s voice in the background—she’s on high alert to whenever Jameson utters the word “girl.”]

He sits quietly next to you on the couch when he has to work late at home and you want to watch TV, just so he can be with you.

Cosmo: He doesn’t care that you’re ignoring him, he just wants to share air with you.

Jameson: He probably just wanted to watch TV.

He surprises you with an emoji text even though he hardly uses them.

Cosmo: Because he knows YOU love them, and he wants to speak your language and make you giggle even when he’s not with you.

Jameson: I guess he was feeling a little bit wild then.

He trades you drinks if you accidentally order a bad cocktail.

Cosmo: Your tastebuds mean more to him than his own.

Jameson: Wait, what?

Me: Like alcoholic drinks at a bar.

Jameson: Alcohol?

[A woman’s voice comes from the background.]

Jameson: No Mom, not like that.

Me: So what does this say about the guy?

Jameson: He’s, uh … nice.

He goes shopping with you, and doesn’t look pissed off or annoyed the whole time.

Cosmo: Because he loves spending time with you, no matter what you do together.

Jameson: This sounds like slavery.

He texts you, “I miss you,” out of the blue.

Cosmo: He really means, “I love you.”

Jameson: He misses you.

He asks you how award shows or other momentous things you watch on TV were, even though he doesn’t care about said momentous things.

Cosmo: Even though he should because anything involving a red carpet and Giuliana Rancic is ~*EvErYtHiNg*~.

Jameson: He just wants you to be happy.

Me: Aw, that’s precious.

Jameson: Stop.

He takes the middle seat when you fly together.

Cosmo: So you can have the aisle or window.

Jameson: He likes the middle.

He picks up your favorite veggie burgers/kale chips/hummus before you even think to ask him to.

Cosmo: When you’re together and want to eat something, he randomly procures one of your favorite foods as if by magic. (Which it kind of is, because he absolutely reads your mind.)

Jameson: He just doesn’t want to get yelled at later.

Me: Do you even know what kale is?

Jameson: Like a vegetable thing?

I decided not to traumatize him with all 18 questions, as I could hear the pain in his voice over the phone. The poor guy was probably beat, as he did just have middle school graduation that day (which this year was renamed “transitions ceremony,” probably because of complaints by an overly PC parent). The conversation concluded with me asking him if he had a girlfriend, to which he said “no” with a tone of disgust.

So in the end, I guess we can’t be sure how men secretly say “I love you,” or at least not at the middle school level. Other than the horoscope section, no part of Cosmo is 100% true all the time. Even quizzes like “How Foxy Do You Feel?”, “Is He Only After Your Bod?” and “Are You Enough of a Bad Girl?” are bound to have their flaws. The male mind will always remain a mystery, and even the experts at Cosmo don’t have the answers to how all men think.