Every week, I look forward to one thing and one thing only (and no, it isn’t braving the weekend rush at Call Your Mother or laughing at the throngs of tweens crowding M Street in front of Brandy Melville). It’s the weekly emails telling the Georgetown students just how many COVID-19 cases we have. If you’re me, it’s almost like a guessing game. How many is it gonna be this week? More? Less? Although we all hope that the numbers go down (and that everyone is doing their job to stop the spread), no matter what the results are, one thing is certain: the off-campus students go above and beyond with their test results! At this point in the semester, you’d think the numbers might level out, and you’d be wrong. Why? Because no one’s bringing justice to Georgetown’s Biggest COVID-19 Super-Spreader: Chunky the Panda.
@CHUNKY_THE_PANDA/INSTAGRAM
At first glance, he seems innocent, sweet even. How could a cuddly little panda be the culprit of all these COVID cases?? Here I’ll examine just three of the ways this panda has gotten away with murder.
Exhibit A: The Tour
Chunky entered our lives in the beginning of 2020. With his first Instagram post, his purpose was to bring good vibes to Georgetown. However, he couldn’t stay put in DC for long. As Chunky gained clout on the Hilltop, he took action with his newfound fame. No, he didn’t go to Saddle Ranch to rub elbows with Bryce Hall, Addison Rae, and the rest of the TikTok teens; he went on tour. Chunky decided to reach out to his followers to try and hit all 50 states. Should we really be traveling like this during a pandemic, Chunky? Should we? Think about it.
Exhibit B: The Masks (or should we say lack thereof?)
Chunky is an avid Instagram poster (who can blame him), and in the last year alone he shared pictures of his adventures with his adoring fans a whopping 66 times!
GIPHY
It’s okay. I understand. Even I get excited when someone takes a good picture of me, but that isn’t the problem here. The panda is. Chunky is visiting new people almost every week, and only two of his 66 posts have him wearing a mask. Even giving Chunky the benefit of the doubt (stuffed panda sized masks might be hard to come by) seems a bit too hard; I hardly doubt Chunky’s COVID-19 pod is that large. At the very least give us the One Medical results, Chunky.
Exhibit C: The Vaccine
@CHUNKY_THE_PANDA/INSTAGRAM
You would think that Chunky getting vaccinated is a good thing! Wrong. Chunky is stealing vaccines from the elderly :( Not cool Chunky. Plus, I’m not a medical expert, but it seems like that vaccine next to Chunky wasn’t even punctured by a needle. Are they really injecting you Chunky? Or is this a photo-op to lead people off your trail as a super-spreader?? I’m inclined to believe the latter. Plus, this picture was posted Feb. 2, and it has been over a full month. Where’s the second dose Chunky? Oh wait, it isn’t there. Not even on your Instagram stories. Why? Because you didn’t even get the first one.
GIPHY
As we can see through my incredibly astute research, the reason the Georgetown off-campus community is still being hit by COVID-19 is due to none other than the last person (or sentient plush panda) we would expect, and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if in Chunky’s next post we see him clubbing in Miami for Spring Break. I’m sure nobody would bat an eye.
Georgetown University, spearheaded by the government department, has recently announced their own version of President Biden’s American Rescue Plan. The university hopes Congress will take its vast expertise on budgetary issues seriously and use its blueprint as a reference point for President Biden’s stimulus package. Here are some of the highlights:
The government department’s first priority is to allocate $30 billion in funding for a nationwide “How are you doing?” email blast from Robert M. Groves to every citizen’s inbox. Seeing as the 2020 Census was a hot mess, they are advising to tap Groves, former director of the U.S. Census Bureau, to head the new Department of Surveys, a cabinet-level position that will replace the Census Bureau as the main information-gathering agency for the government. After the smashing success of the surveys sent to Georgetown students, Congress should see the emails as a way to cut costs, streamline and modernize the government’s data collection agency. Democrats and Republicans were not able to agree on the frequency of the email blasts, so they compromised and chose to send it out bimonthly.
As part of President Biden’s promise to lower the cost of higher education, Georgetown advises to spend $90 billion of targeted funding dedicated to forgiving student loan debt, but only for business major students. Centrists were hesitant to forgive all student loan debt given the hefty price tag and catastrophic damage it would cause on the U.S. economy, so centrists did what they do best: settle on a compromise that left no one happy. Business majors understand more than literally anyone else how bad it could be to the economy to forgive all student loan debts, so they are willing to shoulder this incredible burden. The remaining 98% of people still paying off their student loan debt will be outraged but also unsurprised, the department speculates.
After days of negotiating with NHS students, the government department has advised the U.S. government to put $7 billion toward the splitting of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services into the U.S. Department of Health and Department of Nursing. The split should be expected to occur in July 2022. Given that we are currently in a global pandemic, it is wise to split the job of the HHS into two separate, but functionally identical, departments.
The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development should stay vastly underfunded, seeing as Georgetown University has gotten away with charging record-setting tuition without improving its dorms. This policy of raising prices arbitrarily, while promising no improvements, worked for Georgetown and thus should be adopted nationwide. In order to mirror Georgetown’s model, the government department is issuing guidance to raise property taxes on low-income people while also promising to dedicate zero funds for public housing improvements.
One of the more controversial suggestions laid out by Georgetown, but garnered praise from President Biden, was a $69 billion fund to place a cross in every room in every federal building. The Senate parliamentarian gave their stamp of approval for the measure, citing divine intervention as having a major impact on the budget. “Where do you think all the money we’re printing is coming from? God,” the parliamentarian was quoted saying over the weekend. While gaining bipartisan support from liberal artists and religious conservatives, the measure is not expected to stay in the stimulus package.
As some of you may have heard: Perseverance landed on Mars!
GIPHY
Okay, okay, but what exactly is Perseverance? Doesn’t NASA already have a glorified toaster on Mars?
Well, it’s not just “a glorified toaster on Mars,” Perseverance is actively searching for signs of life on Mars! The rover is even sending back pictures from Mars!
NASA/JPL-Caltech The first image from Perseverance!
According to NASA, “The rover’s goal is to study the site in detail for its past conditions and seek the very signs of past life,” as well as being a test run of new equipment that may be used in the future. Essentially, Perseverance is the first step toward all future Mars and space exploration missions, a true #girlboss.
One of the most important pieces of equipment on Perseverance is a dronelike helicopter: Ingenuity.
GIPHY
Ingenuity is about 19 inches tall and designed to be very light, as Earth’s atmosphere is much denser than that of Mars, meaning it is much more difficult for Ingenuity to fly.
Should Ingenuity be successful on its mission, astronauts could use helicopters similar to Ingenuity in the future as scouts.
Thankfully, both Ingenuity and Perseverance survived the Feb. 18 landing and will be doing what they do best: searching for life on Mars and moving us forward into the age of space exploration.
For more updates on Perseverance, follow it on Twitter (@NASAPersevere). While you’re there, don’t forget to follow The Hoya (@thehoya) for news that is a bit more down to Earth.
When the massive snowstorm hit Texas, the state had to deal with many catastrophes, such as power outages and food shortages. While Texans were struggling to stay warm and safe, what was Sen. Ted Cruz seen doing? He went on a plane to go to Cancún, hoping to stay at the Ritz-Carlton. Out of all the things he could’ve done to escape to the resort, he decided to wear a Texas state face mask, making him easy to catch.
Here are some things Ted should’ve done to make it to Cancun without being seen:
Get a private jet
I mean come on, why would Ted go on a United flight at the Houston airport when he knows there will be a crowd of people ready to take a video if they see him? With his privilege, renting a plane should not have been that hard. Although I am not a celebrity, at least I have the brain cells to figure this situation out.
Get a disposable phone
This one should’ve been easy: Go to Walmart, get a Blackberry, text to friends and family about the getaway from that phone, and smash it up into pieces and throw it into the Gulf of Mexico, obviously. As a “Gossip Girl” fanatic, I thought Ted could pull a Gossip Girl move because why wouldn’t he say “XOXO, you know you love me” to his constituents?
Hire a doppelgänger
Rumor has it that each person has two doppelgängers somewhere in the world. However, Ted Cruz is special. He has a handful of look-alikes in the United States alone. Kevin Malone from “The Office”? Definitely looks like Ted. Mrs. Doubtfire is 100% related to Ted. He has this great network of Ted Cruzes in the world but doesn’t take advantage of it. Smh my head.
KNOW YOUR MEME I bet you’re thinking, “Wait, which one is the real Ted Cruz?”
Get a K-Pop Makeover
This one is my personal favorite. Why wouldn’t anyone want to look like they’re a part of BTS or Blackpink? Of course, these groups will not support Ted pretending to be one of them, but I’m just putting the idea out there. Ted could really get clear skin, color contacts, and new metallic hair color.
GIPHY
Should Ted have even gone to Cancún in the first place? Absolutely not. But, if anyone is thinking of escaping from reality unnoticed and safely making it to your Ritz-Carlton suite in the future, then these four tips will definitely come in handy. You have my word.
There are three constants to a fall as a Georgetown student, even remotely: midterms, good friends, and the Georgetown Program Board’s annual Mr. Georgetown pageant. Not even a global pandemic could deter this beloved tradition, with 12 of Georgetown’s most ~dashing~ Hoyas taking to the (Zoom!) stage to represent their organization, strut their stuff and entertain the masses.
While this year’s pageant may look different from years’ previous, taking place virtually over the course of three Friday nights, October 16th, 23rd, and 30th, the event’s history and purpose still shine through. Mr. Georgetown was founded in 2005 as a spirited celebration and a way to showcase the many talents and personalities of senior men on campus. It was also created as a way to critique the notion of gender in pageantry, as pageantry is typically considered as female events, by putting men in the position of being evaluated as representatives of Georgetown and their respective student organizations.
We at The Hoya are excited to introduce to you this year’s dazzling contestants representing the Class of 2021, but first, to ensure a positive Mr. Georgetown experience for all Hoyas, GPB has released a statement regarding Georgetown’s community values because while the event was created to challenge gender norms, GPB wants to encourage an conversation about the role of gender in the event.
“The mission of GPB is to create an atmosphere of community spirit at Georgetown, and to provide high-quality, low-cost entertainment for the entire undergraduate campus community. In alignment with this mission, we are committed to examining the role that gender has played in Mr. Georgetown in the past and would like to open a discussion with the community about ways to make our event more inclusive of all gender identities. To connect with us please email [email protected]“
With that, meet the candidates for Mr. Georgetown 2020!
Christopher Le: Mr. AASA
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF CHRIS LE
Hometown: York, Pa.
School: COL
Major: mathematics
What do you love most about AASA? I love the endless jokes we have, even though most are targeted at me. Love the fact that we can be truly ourselves and be goofy and no one judges anyone bc everyone else is just as goofy!
What is your go-to late night Epi order? Chicken quesadilla, if you get anything else—wrong. Those slap after a long night.
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “Supalonely” by BENEE and Gus Dapperton. It describes my semester in two fold. The title makes sense because can’t see everyone so I’m lonely. And the second part is that it came from TikTok, which has helped me pass the time during the semester.
Samuel Nelson: Mr. The Hoya
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF SAM NELSON/THE HOYA
Hometown: Cocoa Beach, Fla.
School: MSB
Major: operations & information management and marketing
What do you love most about The Hoya? Working with such creative and passionate people
What is your go-to late night Epi order? What I would give for one last late-night Epi! My go-to order was a grilled cheese on ciabatta, add sliced tomato and pesto mayo. Soooo satisfying and a full $3 cheaper than the quesadilla.
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spot are the window seats on Lau 4. I love gazing at the fall leaves and beautiful pastel townhouses all while disassociating on a Hi-Chew/Red Eye-induced high. Doesn’t quite feel the same at home…
Onrei Josh Ladao: Mr. Club Filipino
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF ONREI JOSH LADAO
Hometown: San Diego, Calif.
School: COL
Majors: art and sociology
What do you love most about Club Filipino? What I love most about my club is how welcoming the atmosphere is. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from — CF will always be your home away from home.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? ALWAYS Epi quesadillas. The quesadillas just ~ * hit different * ~ at 1 a.m.
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spots on campus are the GSP and CMEA offices. I always take a nap in the office.
Eli Lefcowitz: Mr. Pep Band
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF ELI LEFCOWITZ
Hometown: Port Washington, N.Y.
School: COL
Major: government
What do you love most about Pep Band? The Pep Band is full of the most hilarious, supportive people I know at Georgetown — they can cheer you up even when the Hoyas lose by 40 (trust me, it’s happened). Oh, and the unlimited free Domino’s pizza is pretty nice too.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? It would have to be Leo J. O’Donovan. I am a big fan of his chicken tenders.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? I used to just order a cup of sour cream, but one day the sandwich man said that would no longer be allowed. Since then, I’ve just ordered a chicken quesadilla, hold the tortilla, chicken, cheese and salsa. Yum.
Felipe Lobo Koerich: Mr. SFS Academic Council
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OFFELIPE LOBO KOERICH
Hometown: It’s complicated…technically, all of the ones listed: Campinas, Brazil; Jundiaí, Brazil; Amsterdam, the Netherlands; Houston, Texas; New Orleans, La.
School: SFS
Major: international politics
What do you love most about SFS Academic Council? The passion everyone brings. It’s a small group of highly committed individuals that genuinely want to make Georgetown and the SFS better for their peers. It’s incredibly inspiring, especially when our advocacy translates into actually meaningful changes.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? Jan Karski, who served as a resistance fighter and diplomat during World War II and risked his life on multiple occasions to learn about what the Nazi government was doing in Poland and tell the United States about the Holocaust. To me, he exemplifies many Georgetown and SFS values. He’s a deeply inspiring, although far too unknown, hero.
What is your favorite spot on campus? I have so many memories of places on campus that it was hard to pick, but I have to go with the red armchairs right next to the elevator on top floor of Lau. I spent many hours my sophomore and junior years studying and finishing assignments there, with a beautiful view of Healy and Copley Lawn and those two buildings, which was especially nice during sunset and during the fall. It makes me really miss the more mundane, everyday moments and experiences from back when we were all on campus.
Andrew Molinari: Mr. GU Pride
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF ANDREW MOLINARI
Hometown: Rochester, N.Y.
School: COL
Major: economics and performing arts
What do you love most about your club? I think GU Pride holds many places in many different people’s hearts. We’re here to celebrate your identity and build community. We’re here to advocate for you and comfort you in times of need. We’re also here to dance with you when you need a night out with some Donna Summer. Pride is everything to me; it’s what I live by.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? Easily Bradley Cooper. Did you know he was interested in a career in diplomacy, but then went and became a famous actor instead? That’s the kind of Georgetown success story I like to see.
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “Party For One” by Carly Rae Jepsen. Need I say more?
Hunter Congdon: Mr. GREEN
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF HUNTER CONGDON
Hometown: New Haven, Conn.
School: SFS
Major: international politics
What do you love most about your club? What I love most about GREEN is the vibrancy and enthusiasm of our community. We may come from all different parts of campus but we all care a lot about the environment and are eager about taking action, but we also know how to have fun.
What is your favorite spot on campus? The lower level of Lau. There’s never anyone there so it’s a great place to go to hammer out that 10-page paper that’s due in two hours, and there’s all these microfilms and government documents, which feels like such a retro throwback but is also cool and interesting at the same time.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? The vanilla milkshake or the hot chocolate.
Tim Adami: Mr. The Voice
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF TIM ADAMI
Hometown: Morris Plains, N.J.
School: SFS
Major: international politics
What do you love most about your club? Nothing beats production night with the rest of the board. Staying awake till 4 a.m. never gets old with the rest of the design staff and board members. I made some of my favorite memories during those late nights.
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “SOS” by Miss Rihanna…
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spot on campus to have a solitary cry was within Lau 5’s labyrinth of bookshelves. Suppose I wanted to have a more public breakdown, though…in that case, I’d go to the Leavey Esplanade to make the med/grad students feel uncomfortable during their breaks.
Nicolo Ferretti: Mr. GUSA
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF NICOLO FERRETTI
Hometown: New York
School: SFS
Major: STIA
What do you love most about your club? The People
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? My favorite Georgetown alumnus is definitely Tony [Anthony] Coscia cause I like trains. I also saw him speak the other day. Seemed cool.
What is your go-to late night Epi order? You gotta get a grilled cheese sandwich with mozzarella as the cheese and Italian (or rye) bread. You 100% gotta add tomatoes. If you’re there, you add peperoncini. Pesto sauce. And if you’re a real winner, you get guac on the side, not as a topping, but an actual side dish.
Kyle Dudzinski: Mr. Club Lacrosse
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF KYLE DUDZINSKI
Hometown: Port Murray, N.J.
School: SFS
Major: international politics — security studies
What do you love most about your club? I think the club lacrosse team has the perfect balance of being competitive while still having fun. It’s great to go compete against other schools with your friends without taking yourself too seriously.
Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus? John Mulaney, no doubt. His Netflix specials have gotten me through so many midterms and finals seasons!
What is your favorite spot on campus? Definitely Dahlgren. It is serene, picturesque and quite literally the heart of our campus. Of all things Georgetown, I think I miss this place the most.
JP Nguyen: Mr. GERMS
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OFJP NGUYEN
Hometown: Houston, Texas
School: COL
Major: biology
What do you love most about your club? I love the long weekend nights when we stay up and watch movies before the calls start to pick up. We might be up together until 5 a.m. some nights, but the people we get to meet make it enjoyable. :)
If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be? “Stay Away” by Carly Rae Jepsen, the Queen of Social Distancing
What is your favorite spot on campus? The ICC bathrooms <3 because that’s where I cry on the toilet before Spanish class.
Casey Wetherbee: Mr. IRC
COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF CASEY WETHERBEE
Hometown: Ithaca, N.Y.
School: SFS
Major: international political economy
What do you love most about your club? What I love most about the IRC is how it welcomed me during my freshman year into a diverse and inclusive family that has supported me across the board, and that I’ve had a lot of opportunities to mentor younger Hoyas interested in international affairs since then!
What is your go-to late night Epi order? The onion rings from Epi slap, but honestly their veggie wrap is super slept on, and hits different at 3 a.m.
What is your favorite spot on campus? My favorite spot on campus is the Healey Family Student Center because it enables my caffeine and procrastination habits and it’s really pretty. I’ve also cried and sang in the piano rooms too many times to mention, which I’m grateful for.
We hope to see you all this Friday, October 23, on Zoom, for the second round of competition!
Due to the ongoing public health crisis, Georgetown has decided the majority of students will remain home for the fall 2020 semester. Hoyas received a taste of online learning during the spring of 2020, but this fall, admin has spared no expense to offer a semester with even more precision and in-depth planning than the last.
Photorealistic representation of McKinsey consultants unraveling and editing DeGioia’s reopening plan.
While this won’t be the semester anyone had envisioned, we may as well prepare for what lies ahead. The 4E is here to offer you a ~sneak preview~ of your online fall semester!
John DeGioia, do your worst.
Classes:
With full course loads and asynchronous lectures, Hoyas everywhere can expect ~The Grind~ to never stop!
Chad from Apple Pie Delta gets frustrated during his OPIM lecture.
The Grind, of course, comes with its own challenges. Living at home means parents and younger siblings interrupting lectures and valuable study time. Staring at your online class crush covertly (or even enlarging their picture in Zoom) is enough of a distraction!
There’s no place like Lau 4! There’s no place like Lau 4!There’s no place like Lau 4!
There are some bright sides to online classes, though. Over Zoom, Hoyas can live out their reality television star dreams by sitting in their very own confessional square! Use the background of your favorite Confessional Booth™, and, suddenly, you too are a Kardashian!
Me trying to get through a 9 a.m. economics lecture.
Hoyas can also take advantage of the small screen to show off their quarantine fits. Of course, stunting in Lau is a Georgetown tradition, so you can bet some students will be angling their cameras juuust right to show off a glimpse of that Gucci belt!
Sweatpants and slippers are also a ~stellar~ option.
Parties:
While the Vil A rooftop won’t be baptized with the annual syllabus week parties to kick off the semester, online classes can’t stop Hoyas from turning up! Zoom parties will be just like regular ones, only much less sweaty. And you’ll have complete control over the aux (and a mute button)!
The “Devil’s Advocate” from your political theory class acting like a young Ben Shapiro after drinking two White Claws again? Mute him!
These Zoom parties will have an unlimited capacity for fun guests, so no need for a pledge asking freshmen at the door, “Who do you know here?” Just don’t be surprised when your friends 8+ timezones away from you ~darty~ while you ~party~!
Class of 2024 crashing seniors’ exclusive Zoom parties.
To top it all off, Natty Light will also no longer be the only alcoholic option for (21+) Hoyas to enjoy! Nothing says “lit” like the unopened red wine your mom got as a gift in 2016!
Clubs:
While parties can easily be transitioned online, Georgetown’s Club Culture™ is harder to recreate over the internet.
How can the Hoyas get rejected from The Corp if there’s no coffee to serve in the first place?
Some of Georgetown’s most ~exclusive~ clubs will have to transition online for recruitment, initiation and everything in between! This may serve as a huge advantage for the business crowd: No more running across campus in suits only to be rejected by the consulting club of your choice! For other clubs, it may not be as simple, resulting in a few hiatuses.
An exclusive look into GU Eating Society’s next gathering.
Reminder: The Hoya is always looking for new talent ;)
Work-Study and Internships:
Many students lost their on-campus jobs in the spring, including students working at Lauinger Library and Yates and as student guards. To compensate for this sudden unemployment, Georgetown is offering a number of online work-study positions.
Georgetown isn’t known for its IT positions (I’m looking at you, always empty UIS Service Desk on the third floor of Lau), but in this unprecedented time, innovation in student work is necessary. The 4E personally brainstormed ideas for online jobs for Hoyas:
Zoom Bombing Student Guard
Exam Proctor (see: Narc)
OnlyFans Content Creator
Author Of a Book Written in Quarantine Set To Be Published In April 2021
“Tennis Coach”
We also can’t forget those students experiencing remote internships! Let’s hear it for our remote Hillterns™!
“The West Wing” but make it ~virtual~
Traditions:
Hoyas already missed out on Georgetown Day 2020, so we deserve a fun homecoming at the very least. Even though there will be no football, we all know that, at Georgetown, homecoming is never about the football anyway.
“Homecoming” can take on a new and more literal meaning in this quarantine. Hoyas could flood campus for a weekend in September (while social distancing, of course) to bring us together for the first time since March and keep the Georgetown spirit alive!
Hoya Saxa!
Students turning 21 will also have to adapt the Tombs Night tradition to an online platform. When The Tombs finally reopens, you can bet most of the bar’s patrons will be stamping their foreheads to make up for their missed birthdays. But for now, a postal stamp and a speech on Zoom will have to do.
A cake also couldn’t hurt. Or, if you’re anything like me, try a piñata!
Spring:
While the future opening status of Georgetown is unknown, we can all do our part to stay safe now to be together as a family in the future.
Where’s your mask, Andy Samberg?
For now, live your Georgetown career without regret! DM that cutie in your theology class on Canvas! Take “International Finance” pass/fail! Email your TA to round up your grade! Catfish your professor by using a hot person’s photo as your Zoom avatar!
From all of us at the 4E, stay healthy Hoyas! We hope to see you on campus soon!
Earlier in this semester, we at The Fourth Edition welcomed three new fantastically ~quirky~ sophomores to our staff: Jessica Alexander, Melanie Boychuk and Katie Watke!
As the year progresses, we hope you get to know them through their incredible work, but for now, here is each new hire’s “Top 5” list!
Jessica Alexander (COL ’22)
Top-Five Bagels (Dedicated to Einstein’s Lovers and New Jerseyans alike):
Everything
Pumpernickel
Cinnamon Sugar
Sesame Seed
Plain
Melanie Boychuk (COL ’22)
Top-Five Most Pretentious Grocery Stores
Whole Foods: Whole Foods takes the (organic, gluten-free, $30) cake for most pretentious grocery store. Under the guise of “all natural, non-GMO” products, Whole Foods is ironically a serious detriment to shoppers’ health when they immediately have a stroke upon seeing their receipt total.
Trader Joe’s: Trader Joes is not simply a grocery store; it’s an entirely different universe. In what other world can you buy wine for $4 while hipsters in Hawaiian shirts ringing you up tell you what you’re buying is “totally one of their favorites?” However, out of respect for their low prices, they get to be No. 2 on this list.
Wegmans: Wegmans is well known for having relatively cheap products for good-quality food. However, its weirdly strong following places it in the middle of this list — ask anyone in Jersey and they’ll tell you they would sell their soul to keep shopping at Wegmans.
The Fresh Market: The Fresh Market is trying to reinvent grocery stores by focusing on fresh food. Anytime a business uses the word “reinvent,” you can be sure there’s some sort of gentrification going on there.
Safeway: Posing as a regular grocery store among the likes of ShopRite or Stop & Shop, Safeway fools its shoppers with its almost too ordinary appearance. However, Safeway’s jacked-up prices are most definitely not ordinary — and puts it at No. 5 on this list.
Katie Watke (COL ’22)
Top-Five Best (and I mean the absolute very best) Chinese Foods To Order and Crave on a Daily Basis:
Bao Bun (preferably of the pork variety)
Shrimp (specifically) Soup Dumplings
All Other Types of Soup Dumplings
Egg and Tomato Soup (for those days when you’ve eaten one too many bao buns)
Peking Duck (would be number one if — and only if — the delectable dish weren’t so inaccessible! The only Peking Duck anyone should ever eat exists only in Beijing, so until teleportation becomes a modern mode of transportation, I must sadly place this beloved dish at No. 5)
Nothing says spring on the Hilltop like being boxed into a corner by a tour group on your way to class.
In my experience, while college tours seem informative as a naive senior in high school, seeing them as an actual college student has given me a greater appreciation for the level of BS that every school is able to make up. In honor of this year’s GAAP weekends and possible future Hoyas, here’s a more honest look at Georgetown’s campus.
Get excited
First, there’s Dahlgren Quad, home of one of our beautiful chapels. Georgetown is a Jesuit university–but don’t worry, we tokenize every other religion to make up for it. Look up and you’ll see a clock with some handles. This is the last time you’ll ever hear about it. This is a step where a lot of Presidents have stood. Sorry, did I hear someone say Bill Clinton?
Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton?
Bill Clinton. Bill. Clinton.
Have you heard of him? His name is Bill Clinton, and he went to Georgetown. Bill Clinton.
If you’ll follow me, up next is the Village A rooftop, overlooking the scenic Rosslyn skyline. You won’t have a chance of getting an apartment here until you’re a junior, but you might as well live here the first month of your freshman year. I will clearly avoid mentioning the plethora of beer cans scattered on the ground, but we all see them.
So, we’re going to be entering the Healy Family Student Center, or as students call it, HFSC. This building was designed with a lot of student input. One thing we heard was that students needed a place to plug in all their devices, so it’s full of outlets that don’t work. We also incorporated new studies that showed that green space and natural light help students study, so this ivy is real. I know because one time I saw a rat jump out of it.
A similar situation may also be found on a Vil A rooftop
Now we’ll be passing Hilltoss, one of our Corp locations. The Corp is the largest student-run non-profit in the world, making $5 million each year (assuming they’re not bankrupt). Everyone from the CEO to the barista handing you your coffee is a student employee and will tell you about it every time you happen to even breathe their way.
Next we have our dining hall, Leo O’Donovan Hall. If you’d like to grab a few croissants after the tour from the lovely-but-somehow-consistently-dysfunctional Whisk, it will probably cost you upwards of tuition. Leo’s is also great because as a child I loved the movie Ratatouille, and Georgetown has allowed me to experience the live action version.
This is Red Square, where we have our farmers’ market every Wednesday when it’s warm out. It’s the only time you’ll feel joy on this campus.
An avocado, thankss!
Finally, as we enter Leavey we’ll be passing by the offices of GUASFCU, the most needless acronym ever created. The likelihood of both getting into Georgetown and GUAFSCU is less than getting struck by lightning while simultaneously winning the lottery. However, you have worse chances of getting into a club that just goes out to eat. If you love the Common App process, you’ll love Georgetown clubs.
That concludes our honest tour of Georgetown’s campus. Blue and Gray, feel free to incorporate any of this student-sourced information into a new and improved (more accurate) tour format for prospective Hoyas!
Okay, first of all, why are they called midterms when they start during the third week of a semester and last until finals? Honestly, it’s a living hell.
Now that our first week of bliss has ended, midterms have inevitably begun to plague our lives. Who knew that we could cram five books on the theories of Plato into our poor little heads during one night in Lau? We begin the long nights of studying, the copious amounts of caffeine and the stressful ordering of Dominos’ unhealthily-cheesy pizza.
And during this infamous #szn, there are a few types of ~special~ people who make midterms even better. And by better I mean worse:
1. The “I Have More Work Than You” Person
We all know this person. The moment we decide to tell the rest of the world that we have an Econ midterm and that we’re dying, this lovable individual decides to announce that they have a ten-page paper along with two midterms.
Um, did I ask? No. Let me wallow in my own misery and self-pity for my current state of being. Please. Don’t compare your overbearing workload to mine. Don’t turn this into a contest for who has more work. Trust me, you don’t get a prize.
2. The Wannabe Einstein
“Omg, I didn’t even study for the test, and I got an A.” Right. That’s believable. I’m sorry, are you a genius, or just incredibly lucky? You really mean to tell me that you didn’t pay attention to a single lecture and your eyes didn’t even unintentionally glance over a few sheets of paper to review for the test? Really? Call me a pessimist, but for some unfathomable reason, I find that hard to believe.
3. The Whiner
Maybe this is me just being really unsympathetic toward others or just being a terrible person in general, but I don’t want to listen to you complain about your workload. Then again, I’m guilty of this so I really have no valid reason to be upset. I guess the overall lesson is that college — as fun as it can be — really, likes to make our lives miserable at times. Who would’ve thought that staying up until 5:30 a.m. in Lau and writing a paper on British poetry was not an ~ideal~ way to spend the night?
4. The Mathematician
“If I get a 86 exactly on this midterm, I’ll for sure get an A for the semester.” Let me preface this by saying that I’m already stressed as is for tests and I don’t need a grade to quantify my own stupidity. That was a little bit harsh; I’ll rephrase. Please don’t tell me what you need to get an A for the WHOLE semester. I’m just trying to pass one little test over here. Baby steps.
5. The Plague-Bringer
To be fair, I was this person during my first semester, so I know how awful it is. It’s that one individual who decides to hack up a lung every five seconds or unapologetically sniffle continuously for an hour.
I know, I know- we really shouldn’t get mad. But just imagine being on Lau 4 – it’s dead silent, and you’ve finally gotten into the working mood (if that even exists). All of a sudden, this lovely person begins to cough so badly you don’t know whether to go over and ask if they need help or just slowly get very, very annoyed until you call it quits and leave Lau altogether.
Spoiler: it’s usually the latter.
So there you have it: all your favorite people during midterm szn. Good luck, Hoyas. You’re going to need it.
It’s officially February, and you know what that means: studying for midterms, distracting fellow Hoyas with your nonstop coughing in class and, of course, planning for Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to finally make your move and we here at 4E have come up with some surefire ways to make your date night a total success. Check out our definitive list of ~The Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Movies of All Time~ to impress your future Hoya spouse:
Titanic
Yes, Leonardo DiCaprio has sadly gone from “certified heartthrob” to “creepy guy who asks you how old you are at the homecoming tailgate,” but it’s easy to ignore that precipitous decline when you see him on screen in this late-90s classic. Celine Dion? Drawing people like French girls? Drowning? Could it be any more romantic? (Yes, that was a Chandler reference — be sure to do that exact impression at some point during your date to keep up the whole 90s theme.)
When you stand on the edge of the LXR Rooftop
Call Me By Your Name
Armie Hammer? Timothée Chalamet? Say no more.
When “Mr. Brightside” comes on
When Harry Met Sally
This one scores big on the Romance Scale for the simple fact that Harry is played by the same guy who voices Mike Wazowski. That’s really going to set the mood you’re looking for. You’re welcome.
You vs. the guy she tells you not to worry about
Gone With the Wind
This movie is a great way to let your potential bae know that you’re “majoring in English and minoring in Film”. Alternatively, if you’re still trying to keep up the whole “I’m going to land a Goldman internship” charade, we suggest you watch something else.
Ya idk I’ve never actually seen this movie
St. Elmo’s Fire
A Georgetown Classic. Rob Lowe’s character is 100 percent the kind of Hoya who gets way too into Jersey Night and exclusively communicates using the phrases “u up?”, “wyd” and “come to New South”. Demi Moore is also there, along with 3/5 of The Breakfast Club cast. Fun. Diverse. Romantic!
Smile if you got into GUASFCU!
She’s the Man
The greatest movie of all time? We think so. If your date doesn’t understand “how they don’t just realize that Amanda Bynes is clearly a girl”, she’s too young for you, bro.
Also, if anyone has any idea where Amanda Bynes is these days, please contact the staff here at 4E ASAP. We are very concerned and miss her terribly.
The Meryl Streep of our generation
Bee Movie
Fun fact: When he was 39, Jerry Seinfeld dated a 17-year-old who attended GWU. Seriously, google it. What a classic #DC romance! This is the perfect movie if your date is a much older sitcom star.
???? I don’t understand the appeal
Stuart Little*
*[Insert Wisey’s Rat joke here]
**Yes I know Stuart is technically a “mouse” and not a “rat”, but let’s be honest, you’d still call facilities if you saw that thing anywhere near your apartment.
So they…adopt the mouse? Like instead of adopting an actual child who needs a family??
Spy Kids 2
Spy Kids 2? I know what you’re thinking. Yes, itmust be Spy Kids 2, not Spy Kids 1. This one has Steve Buscemi AND Emily Osment. And if you’re date has the audacity to suggest you watch Spy Kids 3? Get out of there before it’s too late. Also, the girl who plays Carmen is now married to Carlos from Big Time Rush and the guy who plays Juni is engaged to Meghan Trainor. Be sure to mention this to your date so they know you keep up with all the latest political news.
Nothing but respect for MY Presidents
So there you have it, kids. You can’t go wrong with a single one of these movies this Valentine’s Day. Good luck, Hoyas!
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