Dy(e)ing During the COVID-19 Pandemic

Do you feel bad about stagnating during a global pandemic? Feel like your life has been on pause for the past year? Have you had no time for self-improvement, focusing all your energy on surviving each cursed day? That is totally fine! Hustle culture is toxic, and sometimes you need to focus on yourself, even if that means doing the bare minimum.

However, taking a step back also means you must contend with the fact that some people are just better than you. And that’s okay too! For instance, my multitalented coworker, Lincoln Le, has discussed his newfound love for cooking. Have you explored your unknown, yet deep-seated passion for cooking? No. But Lincoln has, and he’s a better person because of it.

This is you.
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It’s always great to hear that someone is thriving, but a little part of you has to also internalize the fact that these people are simply better than you. You’re probably reading this article on your couch, in sweats, munching on Hot Cheetos or something.

Am I overusing “Saturday Night Live” gifs? Maybe.
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You know what Lincoln is doing? Cooking a delicious Michelin-star meal. And me? I’m dyeing. And I don’t mean any of that hippie crap, tie-dyeing. I mean, real, honest, American dyeing.

To Lincoln, cooking has been his release. For me, it’s been dyeing. Here is my story.

Kourtney was talking about me.
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It all started a couple years ago — 21 years ago, in fact. One fateful March day, I was born. Twenty years later, as I was browsing the heavy machinery at Home Depot (as one does), I stumbled upon some Dickies painter pants with a friend. We bought one each, and I wore them occasionally. They were stiff and baggy, standing out in my wardrobe as some sort of ’90s relic. Even after a dozen washes, they were stiffer than gluten-free pancakes.

But then, I had a revelation. My white painter’s pants were no longer just baggy, semi-hipster pants. They were the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and I was Michelangelo. Armed with clothing dye, some salt and a huge pot, I was ready to create my masterpiece:

Pot.
MATTEO LAUTO FOR THE HOYA

Step 1: I boiled some water. Not just any water, though. It was heavily salted (I’m talking like a cup and a half of salt) and soapy. Once the concoction was at a boil, I added the dye, which is when the magic began.

Step 2: Once the dye was added and mixed thoroughly, it was time for the most important ingredient. I popped those pants into the delicious stew.

Pants in pot with dye.
MATTEO LAUTO FOR THE HOYA

The trick is that you want to make sure you are stirring the pants as much as possible. I really embraced my inner forest witch — the pot was no longer full of pants and dye; it was my potion to turn unsuspecting children into my pet cats.

After about half an hour, the pants were ready to be rinsed. I dropped those bad boys under running water to expel the excess dye until the water ran clear. Then BAM, they’re ready to be worn. I did it! I started a new hobby and gained a new skill during the pandemic. My superiority reigns far and wide. Have fun lounging on your couch, rotting away, readers. I am simply better than you AND I have cute pants to wear.

I have a god complex now.
MATTEO LAUTO FOR THE HOYA

Header Image: PAPER AND STITCH

Summer 2017: Important News Updates

While it seems like just yesterday we were gracing the floors of Lau with our last-minute study guides and caffeine-fueled tears, Summer 2017 is  officially in full swing nevertheless. We know it can be hard to keep up with the headlines when you’re away from the Hilltop, so we here at 4E have compiled a convenient list of the most important things to happen this summer (so far). Take a break from lying in bed binge-watching Netflix working hard at your prestigious internship and enjoy!

Taylor Swift Put Her Music Back on Spotify Like many of you, I endured the #struggle of having to actually purchase songs on iTunes after Taylor took all her music off of Spotify back in 2014 (full disclosure: “Shake It Off” is my anthem. I will likely walk down the aisle at my wedding to this song.) But a few weeks ago, T-Swift fans across the globe rejoiced as her songs suddenly reappeared on the music-streaming platform. Adding to the drama, this move not-so-coincidentally came on the same day as the album release of her famous frenemy, Katy Perry. In other words, Taylor Swift has taken the definition of “petty” to a whole new level this summer.

Beyoncé Had Twins As expected, Beyoncé gave birth to twins and continued her reign of ruling the universe that began way back in 1999 upon the release of “Say My Name.” While pictures of her twins have not yet been released at the time of this publication, we can confirm that they will undoubtedly be cooler and more stylish than I could ever hope to be, as evidenced by the fact that their older sister Blue Ivy is already way ahead of me in terms of both coolness and style.

With genes like this, the rest of us don’t stand a chance

“The Floor Is” Became the Hottest Meme Like many of you, our primary form of communication here at 4E is tagging one another in memes on various social media platforms. Based on our own personal experience, we can definitively say that “The Floor Is” is the hottest meme of the summer so far. For those of you who are over the age of 23 and/or those of you who somehow don’t spend every waking moment staring at your phone, here is Knowyourmeme.com’s official definition to help you better understand: “The Floor Is… refers to an exploitable two-panel photo series featuring  a person avoiding the floor, as they would in The Floor is Lava/Hot Lava Game. It has been used to make image macros about actions that one person will try their best to avoid doing.” See visual examples below.

The Trump Administration Left the Paris Climate Agreement This pretty much sums it up…

Josh Peck Didn’t Invite Drake Bell to His Wedding This one is by far the saddest moment of the summer and possibly even the saddest thing to happen to anyone ever. Josh did not invite the other half of “Drake and Josh: to his wedding. Across the world, millennials wept and wondered: how could this happen? Where did it all go wrong? Did we do something to cause this? Was Megan somehow involved? We may never know what exactly spurred the saddest breakup since the Jonas Brothers disbanded, but we can only hope that these two “brothas” will eventually move beyond this tragedy and hug it out.

Also, do we know if Amanda Bynes was invited? Asking for a friend.

So there you have it: the most important things to happen this summer…so far. Stay tuned for our next edition, and in the meantime, enjoy your summers!

Photos/Gifs/Sources: giphy.com, knowyourmeme.com, ryanair.com/blog, tumblr.com

Make Tinder Fun

twinder graphicHas Tinder become boring for you? It certainly has for us at the Fourth Edition. In our fast-paced blogging world we get tired of apps really quickly. Luckily, one brave soul named Samer Kalaf from theconcourse.deadspin.com recently pioneered a new approach to the dating app. In a risky and possibly reputation-demolishing move, the groundbreaking journalist decided to communicate with his dating prospects solely through Jaden Smith’s tweets (@officialjaden). Kalaf was looking for the perfect woman, a woman who would appreciate the complexity and intellectual depth of Jaden Smith’s sage tweets.

Tweets like this:

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The results are glorious. 

The Fourth Edition, as usual, would like to suggest that you try this at home. Here are some of the characters, celebrities and movies you should attempt to impersonate via Tinder and some quotes that are particularly apropos:

Spongebob

  • “I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready ready ready.”
  • “I wumbo, she wumbo, he-she-me wumbo. Wumboing, wumbology, the study of wumbo!”
  • “I’m ugly and I’m proud!”
  • “I don’t need it, I don’t need it!”
  • “I’m no weenie!”
  • “Be true to yourself, don’t miss your chance and you won’t end up like a fool who ripped his pants!”

Frank Underwood

  • “Finish your thought.”
  • “I love that woman. I love her more than sharks love blood.”
  • “As we used to say in Gaffney, never slap a man while he’s chewing tobacco.”
  • “I’ve always loathed the necessity of sleep. Like death, it puts even the most powerful men on their backs.”
  • “Proximity to power deludes some into thinking they wield it.”

Amanda Bynes

  • “My lawyer is getting my case dropped! There was no proof of sexual harassment or drugs. Instead of me asking for the cop to be arrested for sexual harassment, I want my case dropped as well.”
  • “I only smoke tobacco I don’t drink or do drugs. I’ve never had a bong in my life!”
  • “I need Nicki Minaj’s wig person stat!”

Bridesmaids

  • “Carroll! Get your s— together, Carroll!”
  • “Oh you live in Milwaukee? I’m sorry.”
  • “It’s called civil rights. This is the ’90s.”
  • “You are more beautiful than Cinderella! You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!”

Any quality quotes we’ve missed? Share your most inspired ideas with us in the comments section below!