Am I Too Old For This?

As you sip a Natty at a crowded pregame or wait in line for ~another~ Epi Quesadilla, some of you upperclassmen out there might be pondering a timeless question. To help you find answers, we here at 4E have compiled a list of ten things that you can and can’t do after your freshman year. So pause for a moment and ask yourself…

Am I too old for this?

1) Taking a basic picture of Healy Hall. We all did this within our first days on the Hilltop, and, though we cringe at others for snapping the famed clocktower, most still look at Healy in awe.

Verdict: No, but expect some judgement.

2) Going to frat basement parties. Though I have gone on my fair share of SAE Foxfield buses or Zeta Psi booze cruises, frat parties feel increasingly more like events for freshman. Please let my days of partying in a suspiciously wet Sig Ep basement be over. I would take a Piano Bar night filled with only adults over this. Enough is enough. That being said, the frat boys and pledge bros are still wonderful.

Verdict: Probably yes, unless you are in a frat, in which case, please attend your own events.

3) Waiting in the Georgetown Cupcake line. I didn’t even do this as a freshman because WHO HAS THE TIME?? Waiting 40 minutes for a $4 cupcake with too much frosting is never worth it.

Verdict: Yes, go to Baked & Wired instead.

4) Attending Jersey Night or Thursday Chi Di. Does anyone care?

Verdict: see you all there!!!

5) Getting lost on campus. Our campus is literally 1/18 the size of a state school’s, so I’m pretty sure you should know every building after a few months. Specifically, I mean people struggling with Maguire. I don’t understand why this is the specific location no one can find. The Jesuits are judging you!

Verdict: Get a map. Then again, it’s totally fine if we’re talking about the ICC.

6) Drinking Burnett’s. Not everyone is too old for this, but I can say with some certainty, while nursing my current raging hangover, that I should be upgrading beyond the likes of Mango Burnett’s. I am only too old for this in the ~health~ way. Will I give it up? Likely not — I have a budget.

Verdict: Yes, but who cares?

7) Referencing the Georgetown meme page. Judging by my alumni friends who find the meme page hilarious, there’s no harm in still talking about a classic “Everyone from Georgetown lives in New Jersey or Connecticut”.

Verdict: No, keep tagging away.

8) Village A Rooftop Parties. Power to you if you get there before GUPD shuts it down. Nevertheless, it remains a classic spot on Homecoming and Georgetown Day.

Verdict: Yep…  it’s never worth it to be honest.

9) Applying to clubs. While the process certainly becomes more cynical as you get older, you should join anything you want at any age. (I hear 4E accepts freshmen to seniors).

Verdict: No, college is about finding yourself and all that #wholesome.

10) ~Hanging out~ in a freshman dorm. Do you!!!!! Just be safe!!!!!!!!!

Verdict: Just don’t go to Darnall.

And with that, we hope you act your age!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, knowyourmeme.com

Thanksgiving Pro-Tips

thanksgiving pro tips

It’s about that time again….FOOODD!!!!

…and, you know, spending time with family and giving thanks, I guess. With all the anticipation that comes with Thanksgiving dinner, you may forget the other things you have to deal with on this holiday. Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Here’s a list of pro-tips that’ll help you through this Thanksgiving.

1. Simultaneously make yourself two plates of food so your lazy future self doesn’t have to get up for seconds.

2. Continually whisper shady things about the desserts so that no one feels compelled to eat them except you. Let your family members know that “these desserts look super expired” or “I licked the entire pumpkin pie before this”.

3. Wear sweatpants, festive pajamas, or a loose-fitting outfit to dinner. Comfy-casual is essential…something that says, “I’m dressing formally to respect my family, but I also want to be comfortable when I gain 10 pounds”.

4. To avoid college questions from extended family members, simply stare at them as if you heard nothing. If they persist, promptly crawl under the table and assume the fetal position. It’ll throw them off for sure!

5. Bring a flask and make a Thanksgiving drinking game for you and your favorite sibling. Not only will it make the food better, but you can drown out the humdrum details of your little cousin’s 4th grade classes, too!

6. Dress your dog up like a turkey so you can laugh and distract yourself when that crazy extended family member starts one of their offensive rants again.

7. If you feel threatened by the appetites of others, steal a large piece of turkey and keep it in your pocket for later.

8. If a family member asks you your position on politics, fear not. Just divert their attention by hurling the bowl of mashed potatoes at the wall and reporting that you had seen a spider.

9. Finally, when asked to help cook the meal, gracefully explain that you have broken both your hands and are physically unable to contribute. Take your lie to the max by wrapping your hands in gauze and telling everyone you “wrote too many essays at school” and that your professors have “physically and mentally exhausted you”. Works every time!

Happy Turkey Day Hoyas!

Images: www.giphy.com, www.salon.com

How to Survive the Clownpocalypse

How to Survive the Clownpocalypse

Over the years, American civilization has encountered several major threats to its ongoing existence, such as terrorism, climate change and infectious diseases. Today, there is a new danger on the horizon: the Clownpocalypse.

Basically

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last four days, allow me to explain. Across the nation, cities, neighborhood communities, and college campuses have been terrorized by machete-carrying, child-luring, simply horrifying clowns. Feeling freaked out and unprepared? Follow these tips to help you survive if/when the clowns arrive at Georgetown.

1. Use the Buddy System
Do not even think about leaving your room alone. Going to Leo’s? Bring a buddy. Going to Yates?  Let’s be honest, probably not. Going to Lau? Bring a buddy. Going to the bathroom? BRING A BUDDY. A clown will be less likely to approach you if you are in pairs, and on the off chance one does, you will also have a human sacrifice handy to allow for your own quick escape.

2. Exercise your Second Amendment right
I don’t care what it is. Pepper spray. A knife. A rifle (maybe not a rifle…). A baseball bat. Clown repellent. It doesn’t matter. Just arm yourself ASAP because these clowns do not mess around. Maybe even consider calling your dad back about that self defense class he suggested you take before college. It could come in handy.

3. If you see something, say something
I’m not one to advocate for clown profiling, but if you see anything that even resembles one of these mask-wearing reincarnations of Lucifer you better say something. Tell your floor mates. File a report on LiveSafe. Call GUPD. Organize a press conference. Whatever it takes to get the word out.

4. Master the art of disguise
This one is fool proof. Carry around a clown mask with you at all times, and if you happen to see a clown quickly put it on and pretend your one of his/her friends. They’ll never know.

5. Accept your death
If you failed to follow any of my aforementioned tips this is really your only option. It’s been nice knowing you.

Now that you have 4E’s official guide to surviving the Clownpocalypse, go forth my friends and stay safe in these trying times.

Images: giphy.com, https://bit.ly/2dv6Hv1