Secret Societies at Georgetown: An Exposé

UntitledThough Georgetown is known for its breadth of student organizations, the average student is unaware of an entire subset of organizations that exists here on campus. Secret societies are real at Georgetown. While their rituals, activities and induction processes are often mired in secrecy, 4E’s investigative journalism experts have produced tangible answers.

magnifying secrets

We have sifted through the rumors and prepared a report on just a few of theses secret societies. While their acronyms are mundane and seemingly meaningless, their activities are hidden for good reason:

1. GUAC (Georgetown University Avocado Cult)

avocado magic

  • Activities: While this started as the Georgetown University Avocado Club, it quickly devolved into a secretive cult as of late. This group is responsible for the overall lack of quality guacamole at an affordable price in the Georgetown neighborhood. By stealing avocados from local supermarkets and food distributors, they have created an artificial shortage of avocados, driving up prices in all local establishments (including Chipotle). Why do they commit such atrocious deeds, you might ask? To enjoy the scare resource that is avocado all for themselves.
  • Induction Ritual: A current member will hurl avocados at you of decreasing ripeness. They start out soft and mushy and eventually it feels like someone’s throwing a baseball at you. If you can survive the ordeal for ten minutes without tapping out, you’re in!
  • How to Spot a Member: They don’t have to pay for extra guacamole at Chipotle.

2: GROSS (Georgetown Rulers Of Student Stapling)

May or may not be a club activity
May or may not be a club activity
  • Activities: GROSS have monopolized the stapling privilege at Georgetown. While they leave staplers out in the open, like next to the printers in Lau, they make sure that there is never a single staple inside, thus forcing you to buy your own personal supply of staples. Happy to be in the MSB and have free printing? It doesn’t matter, because you will never be able to staple your papers together if GROSS is around.
  • Induction Ritual: Newly inducted members are stapled to the walls surrounding Red Square and must remain there for 24 hours with neither food nor drink.
  • How to Spot a Member: Since they are so familiar with the art of automatic stapling, they don’t flinch when they use the automatic stapler on Lau 3.

3: PSYCH (Party School Yearners Changing the Hilltop)

  • Activities: The aim of this group is to make Georgetown seem like more of a party school. While there is not much they can do to change the actual amount of parties or their aftermath, you can find members of PSYCH scattering smashed beer cans across campus and sending SNAPS away from any parties.
  • Induction Ritual: Steal the Healy tower clock hands.
  • How to Spot a Member: Members of PSYCH will walk around the Georgetown neighborhood at night on all days of the week, yelling just loud enough to anger people but not loud enough to get a noise violation.

4: HARD (Hoya Animal Rescue Division)

Teaching animals escape tactics
Teaching animals escape tactics
  • Activities: This group, a splinter of the “All Animals Matter” movement, wants to save the lives of all animals on campus. They dismantle the numerous rat traps on campus, eat solely at Leo’s (because Leo’s is staunchly against serving real meat) and have attempted to dog-nap Jack the Bulldog and release him into the wild.
  • Induction Ritual: This group has its own Tinder account with pictures of animals. All you have to do is match with them and profess your love of animals and you’re in.
  • How to Spot a Member: They can almost always be found at Crumbs & Whiskers, the local cat cafe.  They may go there under the guise of seeking a great cappuccino, but they’re really in it for the cats.  An afternoon spent there is purr-fect in their eyes.

Don’t tell anyone about these groups, lest they will no longer ~secret~ societies.

colbert secret


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