Recruitment Season: Resume Boosters

Men and women with vacant expressions are roaming the campus in their pressed professional wear while freshmen cower in fear.  The scent of freshly printed resume paper fills the halls of the Leavey Center, and the Cawley Career Education Center’s emails clog up everyone’s inboxes.  That’s right, Hoyas — Recruitment Szn™ is upon us.

Through a representative MSBro, Chad — no relation to my roommate, Chad the aloe plant — I’m going to walk you through five resume fluffers to boost your chances at the Goldman Sachs internship of your dreams.

(sorry, Chad — it’s the MSBro’s time to shine)

“Strong Interpersonal Skills”

Chad always says “flex” before the Corp worker even asks, AND he says thank you when grabbing his Beloved?  Revolutionary.

Much unlike Chad, of course.

“Proficient Typing Speed”

After Tinder messaging the night away, it’s clear — Chad knows how to type.

Chad even taught his cat to text his ~ladies~ when he’s grinding in Yates!

“Experience in Coding”

Chad plugged one (1) formula into Excel for his “Intermediate Economics” course.  He got a B on the assignment, but it’s the experience that really matters.

“Understanding of Managerial/Supervisory Responsibilities”

Looking over the Vil A railing, Chad oversaw the groups of stumbling students, tired from the long night.  He even gave one of them directions to Epi! A true stand-up bro!

Chad also takes turns being his friends’ designated driver.  Very Responsible.

“Extensive Experience in Public Speaking”

Chad gave an EPIC Tombs night speech.  He earned this one.

It’s a doggie dog world out there, Hoyas — good luck!

9 Ways To Stay Healthy During Flu Season

Midterms. Post-homecoming. Hearing that John Mulaney was on campus but not actually seeing him.

Life’s been coming at us Hoyas pretty hard the last few weeks, and, as if things couldn’t get any worse, it’s flu season. While some of us have a demigod-like resistance to mortal diseases, we common folk gotta bite the bullet and face the shot.

But, before you can get yourself out of bed to maintain your health through the power of modern medicine, 4E’s got nine temporary fixes to keep that virus out, so you can pop off (sis) on Halloweekend!

Don’t stay out too late

What?!?! But Midnight Mug is open until 2 a.m. for a reason!!

Yes, midterm szn is a hot mess: papers, tests and presentations demand a hefty amount of study time. And, when some professors forget students have more than one class, there really isn’t an option. But we stan self-care and not succumbing (and, tbh, perpetuating) Georgetown stress culture. 

So, get! to! bed!

Save the 3 a.m. trips to Wawa for the weekend — even then, take care of yourself!

Eat healthy

I hate Yates. I hate movement in general: unless that movement is taking a big bite out of a Wisey’s Hot Chick.

Luckily and, I guess, unfortunately, the best quick fix to being sedentary for 11 hours is eating well. If you can’t keep your body in shape (@yourboy) then at least eat some veg or froot that’ll boost that immune system!

Bundle up

It be cold! (~sometimes~)

I really don’t know what’s happening in Washington, D.C., right now, but it’s definitely not as warm as it was in August. In that case, maybe it’s time to cut wearing the single, thin cotton layer of your only Grateful Dead T-shirt (you know, the same one you wear to show that you’re “old school”) and start putting on some sweaters and long sleeves.

IMO, Georgetown does fall fashion FANTASTICALLY, so please participate in our communal, stylish preparation for colder weather.

Stay inside

If you only have that Grateful Dead tee, though, or haven’t done laundry in weeks because you have five papers due in one day, then try to keep warm indoors!

Leo’s — upstairs or down — behind the stairs is usually pretty toasty. HFSC fireplace? Top notch. Lau’s okay, but it’s more humid than cozy.

If nothing else, hunker down in that 160-square-foot Darnall dorm of yours.

Maybe forever.

Lock your door

And you know what? Why don’t you close yourself off while you’re at it?

Maybe it doesn’t help too much, but locking your door might keep out those germs! Yes, of course, FOMO might become an issue if you imprison yourself in your room, but any price to keep out the flu, right?


Make no human contact

You still probably have a roommate. 

They still probably have a key.

But they’re still a threat to your health. They are a threat to your very being.

So keep them out! Haha! You can’t risk contamination at this point — you still have a Spanish presentation and your voice has to be in tiptop shape. FaceTime, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter and even a phone call are risky. Delete all of them. Hide your phone. Germs can travel through the airwaves.

Lay salt lines at the entrances

Worst thing that could happen? Spiritual sickness! Ewww, gross!

Not only could your roommate carry a DISGUSTING virus that could potentially stop you from seeing your crush as Jim from “The Office” in a really stupid, lazy “Three-Hole Punch” costume, they could also be a witch!

So lay out those salt lines and keep out that beast of Hell!

They could turn you into a newt! And that’s not ~lit~ at all.

Build a shrine

Salt lines aren’t enough, though.

If Cerberus comes a-knockin’, you really think some sodium chloride’s gonna stop him? Or the flu, too, I guess.

NO! Ignorant fool! You must build. High and high to the very heavens — or just the roof of your dorm, lol! Choose your favorite idol, who can be the champion of your health —mine’s Bradley Cooper, ugh, so dReAmy~~~

Pray, wicked soul, pray! Prostrate yourself to the worship-idol of your choosing — it’s 2019! — and just jam out to Gregorian chant or some meditative music to cast out any source of harm to your well-being.

And germs!


The last step. You must commit a sacrifice to your idol —

Wait, what? Nonononono, BLOOD sacrifice? That’s sooo 12th century.

I’m talking about not eating candy for a day or taking a day off from social media. Honestly, in all your efforts to keep healthy, pass midterms and purge yourself of evil, maybe cracking open the door for an hour and hanging out with some friends is a kind of sacrifice.

Doing well in school and defeating evil are just as taxing as shutting yourself off from the world, so be healthy by practicing some solid self-care!

Though, who would miss one goat?

In all seriousness…

Get! Yo! Shot! 

It’s better and safer for you and everyone around you — even if you think you have X-Men immunity. It takes less than 10 minutes, and it gives you a chance to BYOB — Bring your own Band-Aid! And only Hoyas know how to pull off a stylish Garfield one, so go off!

Be well, and Happy Halloweekend, folks!

Endnote: I asked a friend if they give you candy as an incentive to get your shot, and she said, “No, you’re 19 years old.”

Thanks, Caroline.

14 Halloween Costumes You Can Make “Sexy”: Georgetown Edition

Aside from trick-or-treating, we know you love seeing those creative costume ideas that go beyond *rolls eyes* Harley Quinn.

If you want to think a little outside the box, but still maintain a sexy and eye-catching aura, here are fourteen Halloween costumes that can go from weird to hot.

  1. Sexy “Student Guard Who Makes You Swipe”

2. Sexy “Chaplain in Your Building Who Makes Good Pancakes”

3. Sexy “Tennis Coach in Prison”

4. Sexy “Rise and Shine”

5. Sexy “That Person From GERMS Who Saved Your Friend From Alcohol Poisoning”

6. Sexy “Mark Zuckerberg”

7. Sexy “Girl Thinking She’s One of the Boys After Going to One Georgetown Basketball Game”

8. Sexy “Leo’s”

9. Sexy “Girl Who Can’t Play Beer Pong Even After Going to Every Frat Party”

10. Sexy “Switching From MSB to College”

11. Sexy “Wisey’s Rat”

12. Sexy “Kappas Who Go to Nobu”

13. Sexy “Professors Who Assign 4 Exams in One Day”

14. Sexy “My Drunk Snack at 1 a.m.”

(Sources: Halloween Express, Business Insider, Pinterest, Spirit Halloween)

An Open Letter to Kylie Jenner

kylie openl etter

Dear Kylie,

How goes it? What’s happening, sweetie? I think I speak on behalf of the entire world when I ask — why are you doing this?

You have complete autonomy over your life choices. However, if I may offer some constructive feedback, Tyga is an objectively worse life partner/baby daddy/PR tool than Travis. Travis is hot, talented and successful. He’s a good dad. Please refer to exhibits A through D for evidence.

I realize that Tyga holds some sentimental value for you. Let’s all take a moment to remember that episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” in which Tyga performed at Kendall’s Sweet 16 and shared a ~moment~ with a wide-eyed, thin-lipped teenage Kylie.

Start watching at 3:35.

Despite that, it’s about time we all moved on from our teenage crushes. Don’t you think?

As further evidence, let’s compare the artistic abilities of the two men. Would you rather be in “Rack City” or “ASTROWORLD”? Would you rather have six Grammy nominations or a $20 million lawsuit for showing women topless in the “Make it Nasty” music video without their consent? If you’re still uncertain, a text study is provided below.

Kylie, I know what you’re thinking. Who is this girl to criticize me and my decisions? And you’re right. I can’t say I’m a member of your fan base; I had a short Kardashian phase in 2012, but didn’t we all? Yet, after watching your pregnancy video, I have been rooting for you, Travis and Stormi. How could you give this up?

At the end of the day, it’s your life. This is just my opinion, so take it or leave it. I just hope you continue to “Rise and Shine” and I think that Travis is the best person to do that with.

Sources: Giphy, Tenor, YouTube, Instagram

20 Things Worse Than Wearing Size 13 Nikes

MEN’S size 13 Nikes.

If you haven’t seen “Tall Girl” on Netflix, neither have I — but I’m sure you’ve seen the relentless number of memes regarding a 6-foot high school girl’s biggest struggle: her enormous feet.

While I am a 5-foot college student with women’s size five white Fila sneakers, I am here to provide 20 things that are just a bit worse than this tall girl’s hamartia.

Depressed Aidy Bryant GIF by Saturday Night Live - Find & Share on GIPHY
  1. Size 14 Nikes
  2. A shot of Bacardi at 9 a.m. on homecoming
Alcohol Suffers GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

3. Kylie getting back with Tyga

4. Boyas who think that Instagram, Facebook and LinkedIn are all dating apps

5. Einstein Bros. taking anything that isn’t a plain bagel off the meal plan

6. That feeling you’re going to get when you find out Donald Trump’s 13- year-old son is over 6 feet tall

Hand GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

7. Not being able to see Mark Zuckerberg on campus

Sipping Mark Zuckerberg GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

8. The end of Fortnite

9. Spending a ridiculous amount of money on the housing lottery to be placed in a moldy VCW

10. Big Bootie Mix 16

11. Girls who think eating at all is a personality trait

12. Mr. The Hoya not winning Mr. Georgetown

Fox Tv GIF by Lethal Weapon - Find & Share on GIPHY

13. The new Instagram update that doesn’t let us stalk people see people’s activity

14. Freshmen thinking TikToks count as “memes” in the Georgetown Meme Facebook group

15. The international students who smoke outside Lau but have never stepped inside

16. That moment of fear when you’re walking down the Piano steps and there’s a 50 percent chance it’s empty

Puss In Boots Drinking GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

17. Mango Burnett’s

18. Twitter deleting Trump’s Nickelback parody

Donald Trump GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

19. Midnight Mug running out of muffins at 6 p.m.

20. Being a short guy

Sneaking In Arizona Cardinals GIF by Bleacher Report - Find & Share on GIPHY

I hope this list of 20 really did “beat that.”

The 4 Looks You’ll See This Halloween Season

Spooky season is upon us, and with it comes the return of some of our favorite looks as well as looks that are … well, quite memorable, to say the least. Below are four looks you’ll be sure to see this Halloween season, as well as a few thoughts regarding these types of costumes.

#1 Angel and devil

If you’re out and about Halloweekend, you’ll be sure to encounter our first type of costume: the angel/devil duo. Just throw on a white skirt or red bustier and you’re ready to go. Whether you go to the Friends of Rigby Halloween bash or a sweaty Henle, you’ll be sure to see way more than your share of angels and devils.

#2 You’re not quite sure what they’re supposed to be

They’re wearing a black outfit and a yellow wig — are they supposed to be a yellow M&M? Is this costume supposed to be a rendition of Violet from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”? Asking them can only end in two ways: either you offend them, or you risk looking uncultured once they point out the character they’re supposed to be.

#3 The one using Halloween to live out their cosplay fantasy

Don’t get me wrong — everyone loves to dress up like their favorite character on Halloween. There are those, however, who treat Halloween more like a cosplay event than a light-hearted holiday. Did they take four hours to complete their Harley Quinn makeup to absolute perfection, or have they been doing it for awhile?

#4 The Sexy *Anything* 

There’s no doubt that we all enjoy taking advantage of the ~ creative ~ liberties Halloween provides us with. It’s a time you’re free to do your hair and makeup however you wish, and it’s also the time to show as much or little skin as you desire. Pretty much anything has a “sexy” version of it marketed for Halloween.

Homecoming: A Guide to Pregaming

Listen up, Hoyas!  Homecoming is incoming, and we all need to be prepared for the big day.  Before you can hit the Vil A rooftop with your crew, decked out in full Georgetown apparel, it is essential to pregame the day ahead.

With the limited resources of a college student, we at the 4E want to use our platform for good and help (21+) Hoyas ball on a budget.

Note:  The Hoya does not endorse underage drinking!

The Supplies:

Dust off that week-old, half-drunk Natty in your fridge! Homecoming is a marathon, not a sprint, so it’s essential to gather your supplies and spread out your drinks throughout the day.

The ~goods~ should be acquired before the big day, so stock up on the essential Burnett’s and Svedka flavors.  It’s always wise to have basic flavors that will blend well with a variety of mixers. Try crowd favorites citrus, raspberry or even flavorless, if you’re feeling ~saucy~.

Mixers are another story.  We all know how hard it is to fit non-alcoholic juice in the minifridges, so take advantage of the vending machines found in every dorm building. 

The vending machines are convenient, especially if you need to restock, and they carry a wide variety of single-serve sizes that are sure to please even the pickiest drinker.

Protip Instead of spending cash on vending machine drinks, head to downstairs Leo’s with a reusable water bottle and stock up using a meal swipe!

Once the ingredients are in place, and your friends are ready to party, it’s time to begin the festivities. 

The Drinks:

The hype is always over the best wine and food pairings, but what about liquor and mixers?  I scoped out the vending machines earlier, and here are some pairings that are sure to be a success!

Sprite and Citrus Vodka: Why fix what isn’t broken?  This pairing is a staple at pregames and frat parties alike.

Blue Powerade and Malibu:  The fruity notes of the Powerade match well with the iconic coconut rum.  Perfect for recovering your electrolytes!

Lemonade and Mango Vodka:  A twist on a classic summery lemonade.  A great choice for those in denial that it’s fall.

Water and Water:  Be sure to stay hydrated!

The Fun:

With the drinks flowing and the music blaring — be sure to make a playlist of your favorite songs ahead of time! — it’s clear that your homecoming pregame is a success.  Then it’s time to venture to Vil A for the epic views and the sweaty hordes of freshmen.

And when homecoming was over, we learned that it isn’t about the drinks we had — it’s about the friends we made along the way. <3 Stay safe out there, Hoyas!

What Your Go-To Trader Joe’s Snack Says About You

It’s finally that time of year — midterm season is upon us. Procrastination on Lau 2 and constant mindless snacking are to be expected for the foreseeable future. Seeing as the new Trader Joe’s on Wisconsin has opened and has been my only place of solace lately, I’m here to provide a break from studying and tell you what your go-to Trader Joe’s snacks say about you.

#1 — Joe Joe’s

You’re up for anything. Just like Joe Joe’s — which come in a variety of flavors from pumpkin to candy cane — you go with the flow and know what it means to have fun. You can’t go wrong with Joe Joe’s, and people who gravitate toward this snack are always here to have a good time.

#2 — Herbs & Spices Popcorn

If Herbs & Spices Popcorn is your go-to snack, you are the embodiment of ~sophistication~. Herbs & Spices popcorn takes a classic snack to a whole new level. You are original and savvy, and you have a good dose of common sense.

#3 — Everything but the Bagel Seasoning

You are lovable and vibe with everyone. Just like Everything but the Bagel, you have the solutions to all problems in life. You make everything great, and no one ever gets tired of you. 

#4 — Peanut Butter Cups

Trader Joe’s Peanut butter cup fans are the perfect balance of sweetness and practicality. As a friend, you are consistent and super reliable. You understand the salty and sweet in life, and you know how to be there for everyone. 

#5 — Speculoos Cookie Butter

Outgoing. Bold. If Cookie Butter is your go-to snack, you know how to make a statement. You are a ~dream come true~, and you aren’t afraid to be yourself. Before people meet you, they don’t know what they’re missing. 

The First Month of School in Various Haikus

Howdy, Hoyas. It’s 4E staff writer #3476 BACK with some ~crazy~ content.

Whoa! That was weird. Anywho, October is here (ahhhhhhhhh). Well, being a month into school, we’ve decided it’s a nice time to pause and reflect and really use some of our ~Jesuit~ values to assess how far we’ve come and how far we have to go.

But recaps can be sOoOoOOoooo boring! So, instead, we’re gonna go through the last month in the form of ~haikus~ to really drive at the raw emotions of all the feels we’ve felt.

BONUS NSO WEEK of 8/18 (dabdabdabdabdab ~I was an OA~ dab) 

Friends, new and old, come.

“Look at all these crazy kids!”

It’s a homecoming.

Aww so sweet! It can only get better (lol).

Week of 8/25

Mom, there’s no more carts.

Buying books is for Monday.

Need withdrawal slips.

RateMyProfessor hits different when you’re taking 18 credits and you’re pre-med.

Week of 9/1

Three days to ponder,

If my labor is worth it.

A Blueprint Meeting.

Get [clap emoji] that [clap emoji] org [clap emoji] DBC [clap emoji] sis [clap emoji] 

Week of 9/8

CAB Fair reflections.

Applying like a madman.

Ice cream for rejects.

Treat! Yo! Self! (Comment your fav Ben & Jerry’s flavor and how many emails you got from clubs you’ll never go to below.)

Week of 9/15


Already papers,

Where have all my friends gone to?

Spiraling in Lau.

Hahahahahahahahahaha nerVouS


The Climate Forum!

Marianne Williamson?

I can’t get to class…

Week of 9/22

First-round interviews.

I want to see my mom now.


~wholesome vibes only~

Week of 9/29

Fifteen hundred words.

Midterm szn already.

When is homecoming?

~un-wholesome but promoting responsible self-care vibes only~

Welp, that’s it.

That’s all I got for now. We hope you got a little love from these poetic nuggets. And, more, we hope you’re just as happy as we are to be back in the *gRoOvE* of the Hilltop.

*NOTE: “gRoOvE” does not mean you have it all together, because you don’t have to!!

Meet the Mr. Georgetown Candidates—Fall 2019 Edition

As you notice fellow Hoyas procuring blue face paint along with OJ and champagne, you’ll know what’s soon to come: Homecoming Weekend. Along with the many darties, the visiting alumni and the memories you’re bound to forget, there’s one thing that we should all hope to remember and cherish: Georgetown Program Boards’s annual Mr. Georgetown!

We sat down with nine of the many glamorous candidates to give you all a sneak-peak to Mr. Georgetown 2019!

Ben Ulrich- Pep Band

Hometown: Carlisle, PA

School: SFS

Major: Science, Technology, and International Affairs (STIA)

What do you love about Pep Band?

I love how much energy we bring to all the games and performances. It doesn’t matter how far down we are. We’re always ready to give the team a good show.

What is your most beautiful feature?

I have great calves.

If you had to choose a song to describe how your semester is going so far, which song would you choose?

Probably “Superposition” by Young the Giant, because I always feel like I’m in two places at once.

Kevin Berning- GU Grilling Society

Hometown: Aiken, SC

School: COL

Major: Philosophy

What do you love about the Grilling Society?

The burgers.

What is your most beautiful feature?

Oh jeez. I don’t know, I’ve been told I got some rocking legs.

Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus?

Nick Kroll. I like him. He’s fun.

Norman Francis- GUSA

Hometown: Roswell, GA

School: COL

Major: Government and African American Studies

What do you love about GUSA?

It has the potential for good and allows students to create structural change within our institution. It also serves as a bridge for students and the administration.

If you had to choose a song to describe how your semester is going so far, which song would you choose?

“Song of Solomon” by Radkey, because they just talk about dropping out of school.

Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus?

One of my favorites is Dr. Robert J. Patterson. He was very helpful during my first few years at Georgetown.

Harrison Hurt- The Hoya

Hometown: New York City, NY

School: SFS

Major: International Political Economy

What do you love about The Hoya?

We get the chance to work on really cool stories and lift voices that are otherwise not heard.

If you had to choose a song to describe how your semester is going so far, which song would you choose?

“Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus, because we really just came in and wrecked it… like a wrecking ball.

Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus?

I have to say Bradley Cooper. He’s such a sweetheart. John Mulaney is a close runner up.

Noah Telerski- The Voice

Hometown: Nashua, NH

School: COL

Major: Government

What do you love about The Voice?

I think it’s a really cool opportunity for people interested in writing to practice what they do and have an outlet to express themselves, while being able to do cool reporting in journalism and write about what’s happening on campus.

What is your go-to Epi meal?

Pepperoni pizza. It’s really bad, but I get it all the time, because it’s the cheapest meal option.

What is your most beautiful feature?

People tell me I have really nice hair. When I was in high school, I won the superlative for “best hair.”

Gabe Berkowitz- Mask and Bauble

Hometown: Irvington, NY

School: SFS

Major: Science, Technology, and International Affairs

What is your favorite thing about Mask and Bauble?

I love the people who are involved. All my friends are in Mask and Bauble.

What is your most beautiful feature?

I’ve been told it’s my eyelashes.

What is your go-to Epi meal?

The grilled cheeses. They’re cheaper than the quesadilla, and they don’t charge you for extra cheese.

Ethan Knecht- Dance Company

Hometown: Metuchen, NJ

School: SFS

Major: International Politics

What do you love about Dance Company?

I love being able to come to the studio every week with amazing people who I love spending time with.

What is your most beautiful feature?

My smile. Maybe my butt?

What is your go-to Epi meal?

Easily the quesadilla, with spinach and onion!

Zach Gallin- Running Club

Hometown: Irvington, NY

School: SFS

Major: Science, Technology, and International Affairs

What do you love most about the Running Club?

We have no cuts. Anyone can join, and there is no application.

What is your most beautiful feature?

My legs. I’m a runner.

Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus?

I like Bradley Cooper.

Forrest Gertin- SFS Academic Council

Hometown: Rochester, NY

School: SFS

Major: International Political Economy

What is your favorite thing about the SFS Academic Council?

I like our advocacy role. We make changes that actually affect the student body. For example, SFS students can have minors now, we have the new furniture in the ICC Galleria. There’s a great group of people in the Council.

What is your go-to Epi meal?

I really like the coffee ice cream milkshakes

If you had to choose a song to describe how your semester is going so far, which song would you choose?

“Gloria” by Laura Branigan.

Running but not pictured: Larry Taylor III (African Society of Georgetown), Mason Cantu (Alphi Phi Omega), Christian Trotti (Ballroom Dance), Brendan Clark (Club Rock Climbing), Miguel Ojeda (Club Soccer), Jack Reichert (GUerilla Improv), Derron Payne (Male Development Association), Chris Warren (Nomadic Theatre), Andrew Orbe (Riqueza Dominicana), Matt Buckwald (Senior Class Committee), Casey Hammond (Superfood)

We hope to see you all at Gaston Hall on Friday, Oct. 11 at 7 p.m. 4E wants to give a big shoutout to the Georgetown Program Board for hosting this annual tradition.