Is your roommate grimy? Psychotic? Just generally weird? Sometimes there is nothing better than hearing yourself referred to as an ex by someone you never want to see again. Follow these 10 steps to make sure they’ll dump you ASAP. Warning: Make sure you’re positive that you don’t want to continue to live with this person before you attempt this 10 day extravaganza; it’ll take a lot of effort and your soon to be ex-roomie will likely never look at you again.
Day One: Buy a small pet (I recommend a ferret), put the cage on top of Roomie’s dresser, feed it his/her snacks and make a chore sheet assigning him/her every task necessary to take care of the pet except for “playtime.” Yell at your roomie regularly for failing to take care of it. Throw the wood shavings or newspapers from the bottom of the cage onto his/her bed.
Day Two: Ask him/her, “Hey, have you seen our toothbrush?”
Day Three: Put your hair all over the walls of your shower. Brush it over the sink so that it covers the drain. Pick up the hair clumps off the floor and put them on her/his pillow.
Day Four: Subscribe to listservs using your roomie’s Georgetown email with companies that email prolifically — we recommend this one — and act like it was a really nice gesture
Day Five: Comment on all of their pictures on social media with sincere compliments or questions that obviously are irrelevant. For example, “Hey, we need more toilet paper. Mind picking it up on the way home?” Also, let your roommate know the ferret got out of its cage.
Day Six: Cry randomly whenever you are in the room together. Cut up your roommate’s T-shirts to use as handkerchiefs. When you’re done, hug your roomie and thank him or her for getting the tissues but encourage your roommate to buy the “name brand” in the future.
Day Seven: Push the two beds together and put your blanket and pillow over both of them. Sleep across the beds long ways.
Day Eight: Find out any and all of your roommate’s nonfatal allergies — these are your new favorite foods.
Day Nine: Don’t wear deodorant, get really sweaty and smelly and then stand in front of the air vent to circulate your stench around the room.
Day Ten: Send hourly texts with biblical quotes, cat facts or other niche topics that do not interest them. Also let your soon to be ex-roommate that you found the ferret but you also found another, much smaller ferret too.
10 days is all it takes! As freeing as it might feel, don’t forget to lose these awful habits as soon as you switch to living with a roommate you can actually stand.