Housing selection is on the horizon! Freshmen everywhere are wondering, “Will I get that Henle/Village A?” (Answer: With that 248 lottery number, keep dreaming.) Upperclassmen are considering whether or not to move off campus. But whether you’re in your first year or your third, you could have one thing in common: You might not want to stay with your current roommate. The problem is: They don’t know it yet.
We here at 4E understand this struggle and have developed a form letter for you to give to your soon-to-be ex-roomie. Just select the proper options and go! Slip it under her pillow! Display it prominently on his desk! Or, you know, tell her in person and be a mature adult.
A Form Letter for Breaking Up With Your Roommate
I don’t know about you, but when we met [on CHARMS/ on Facebook/ the first day of school/ in New South that one time/ just kidding we never met], you seemed [super chill/ very compatible/ the most willing to put up with my 3 a.m. drunk crying].
I was really [happy/ ambivalent/ secretly doubtful] when we agreed to be roommates for this year.
When we started hanging out together more during [NSO/ dinner in Leo’s/ just kidding we never hang out], I realized that you were actually kind of [a jerk/ flaky/ literally insane/ I have no idea what your personality is like because we don’t hang out].
And our room. Can we just take a moment to talk about a little thing called [our roommate agreement/ basic hygiene]?
I understand that maybe you’re not used to cleaning up after yourself, but that’s no excuse for [not taking out the garbage/ leaving your week-old sandwich on your desk/ not cleaning up last night’s vomit].
And, okay, maybe you’ve never lived with a roommate before, but that’s still no reason to [blast music at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday/ steal my stuff/ not clean up last night’s vomit].
Now, I know that I’m not perfect. Sorry about that time I [drunkenly ate everything in the fridge/ forgot to wake you up for that class/ said I was a “9” on cleanliness when I’m apparently about a “2”].
How about we just do the right thing and agree to find different roommates for next year? Because I may have already asked someone else …
Sorry [not sorry],
[Your name here]