LEAVEY 421— It was with great shock we discovered the abduction of our beloved vacuum, Eureka, today, at the hands of The Georgetown Heckler.
The identity of the culpable group saddens us; this shift in relations between us and our previously earnest admirers is regrettable. Nevertheless, we should have assumed that a souring of our friendship would be inevitable. We have not published a piece on The Heckler in ages; this is obviously symptomatic of a cry for attention.
While we acknowledge the petulance behind this act, we refuse to coddle its perpetrators. Thus, we have taken action. We are holding Heckler staffer and former managing editor Connor Rohan (COL ’16) in a secure, undisclosed location until further notice. As you can see, he is still in good condition, though his mouth is not presumably operational (thank God).