To the Misunderstood Majors

It’s that time of year again, when a whole new cohort of sophomores sets out to choose which major they want to cry over for two more years. Each department picks out its best outfit and lines, naive enough to think they’ll have a chance of beating government but quickly humbled by the lack of phone calls asking for a second Leo’s date. Don’t worry, this stops today — this is a list made for all of the majors pushed aside and hidden from the limelight, like a freshman in Darnall. This is for you: 

To Classics:

You may be ancient, but you have aged like fine wine. A true classic beauty that some would even say resembles the likeness of a Greek god. Given a little consideration, students will Rome in flocks to meet you on the third floor of Healy — to heal your broken heart. 

To American Musical Culture: 

You’ve been a little bit out of tune, huh? Don’t worry — no one noticed with your great composer. Always remember, you AmeriCAN get those prospective newcomers. 

To Linguistics: 

You may need to work on your communication. Once you learn to not overanalyze, the conversations will seem a lot less daunting, and I alphaBET you’ll be number one!

To Theater and Performance Studies: 

We know you don’t play around, so it’s no act when we say you hold a special place in our hearts and deserve all of our props. The talent you craft is a gift curtsy of your amazing faculty, tied together with the perfect bow. 

To Computer Science:

You’re on this list because you software your heart on your sleeve but are still looking for that someone to find the key to it. Hint: It’s QWERTY. Get ready for the influx of applications and try not to file too many away. They may call the MSBros snakes, but we all know you’re the real python.

To Physics:

In no way are you an absolute zero, but for sure a solid seven and a half. Some stand out qualities: you give off great energy, you care about what matters, you’ve never broken a law, you love a good jam session to “Free Fallin’” and they don’t call you the Big Bang for nothing!

7 Totems of Georgetown

While in the show “You” there are seven totems that mark one’s initiation into Los Angeles life, indeed there are another seven to become a full ~Hoya~. Read below to find out if you have actually reached full membership on the Hilltop.

1. Watch two rats fighting by a trash can in the dead of the night

D.C. is full of fascinating and beautiful fauna, but the rat is undoubtedly held in greatest esteem at Georgetown. If you’re lucky enough to see two of them fighting by a trash can in the dead of the night, preferably by a Henle, you’re more of a Hoya than you’ll ever know.

2. An overflowing toilet

While some may marvel at the charm of Healy and its surrounding tulip beds, I contend that the most pleasant aspect of Georgetown are the facilities — specifically overflowing toilets. Did someone clog it? Is it a simple, common malfunction? Who knows.

3. Cry over an abandoned, half-eaten grilled cheese from Epi

Anyone on the Hilltop will tell you that the proper night out ends with an excursion to Epicurean. Whether you’re merely chilling or ordering food after visiting a sweaty Henle, you and your friends (if lucky) will definitely end up sitting down at a table covered with half-eaten leftovers from your fellow, drunken Hoyas.

4. Have a cockroach in your dorm

If you thought rats were the worst thing to find in your room, guess again. Roaches also carry 33 kinds of bacteria, six different types of parasitic worms and seven known pathogens — just remember that next time one crawls across your desk.

5. Wake up to never-ending construction at 6 a.m.

If you live in Henle or Darnall, you’re all too familiar with the morning not being brought in by the sunrise, but with, well, the sound of a dump truck.

6. See the three-legged dog from SWQ

While you may have thought Jack the Bulldog was the goodest boy on campus, you were wrong. Keep an eye out for the three-legged doggo (named Crouton!) who lives in the Southwest Quad. Extra points if you pet him.

7. Admire the Harry Styles cardboard cutout in Vil A

Keep an eye out for the ominous presence of a Harry Styles cardboard cutout next time you drunkenly wander Vil A in search of a darty. You won’t be disappointed. 

Valentine’s Day: Valentine Alternatives

Attention all single Hoyas! Looking for love this Valentine’s Day? Well, look no further than this list of perfect options to be your next Valentine!

The Student Guard Who Doesn’t Make You Swipe

They see your hands are completely full: Olive Branch Grain Bowl in your left, your “International Finance” textbook in your right. You make eye contact, and they give you a nod to pass through. Sparks fly.

Your RA Who Only Gave You a ~Warning~

You were blasting “Gotta Go My Own Way,” as performed by Vanessa Hudgens in “High School Musical 2,” clearly going through it. While your RA was doing their rounds on the floor, they were startled by the volume (but appreciated the bop, of course). A soft knock at the door alerts you: You are going to be in so much trouble. Sensing your struggles, they let you off with a warning: “Turn the music down.” How compassionate!

The Midnight MUG Worker Who Drew a ’Lil Heart on Your Iced “Beloved

Could there be a clearer choice for a Valentine? They clearly are interested (and not just trying to get a tip)! You proudly showcase the heart at your crowded table on Lau 2, only to see Becky from WRIT-015’s coffee has the exact same symbol. Let the battle commence.

The SFS Kid in Your Philosophy Discussion Who Always Plays “Devil’s Advocate

. . .Maybe he just needs someone to advocate for him <3

The Guy Who Left You On Read Two Months Ago

Valentine’s Day shouldn’t just be about forming new connections, but it should be about ~reviving~ old ones. Give him a second chance to prove you wrong! Slide up on his Snapchat story with his new girlfriend with Justin Bieber lyrics, post that selfie to your Instagram and check maniacally whether he saw it or not, or even show up at his dorm (it worked in “Love Actually”)!

An Elkay LZS8WSLK EZH2O Bottle Filling Station With Single ADA Cooler, Filtered, 8 GPH

Are you an environmentalist? Are you a Yates bro? Are you both? Well, lucky for you, the Elkay LZS8WSLK EZH2O Bottle Filling Station with Single ADA Cooler, Filtered, 8 GPH is single and ready to mingle. Although sedentary, it ~mingles~ with everyone, so don’t expect to be Elkay’s only Valentine!

Todd A. Olson

They don’t call him vice president of student ~affairs~ for nothing ;)

Leo’s Workers Who Call You “Sugar” or “Baby

Nothing is more pure than the interactions with our service workers! Treat them with respect every day, not just if they’re your prospective Valentine! But, a little chocolate and a teddy bear couldn’t hurt.

Me!

My favorite flowers are lilies, my favorite type of chocolate is dark and my favorite metal is silver ;)

Meet the 4E’s Spring 2020 Hires!

Earlier in this semester, we at The Fourth Edition welcomed three new fantastically ~quirky~ sophomores to our staff: Jessica Alexander, Melanie Boychuk and Katie Watke!

As the year progresses, we hope you get to know them through their incredible work, but for now, here is each new hire’s “Top 5” list!

Jessica Alexander (COL ’22)

Top-Five Bagels (Dedicated to Einstein’s Lovers and New Jerseyans alike): 

  1. Everything 
  2. Pumpernickel 
  3. Cinnamon Sugar
  4. Sesame Seed
  5. Plain

Melanie Boychuk (COL ’22)

Top-Five Most Pretentious Grocery Stores 

  1. Whole Foods: Whole Foods takes the (organic, gluten-free, $30) cake for most pretentious grocery store. Under the guise of “all natural, non-GMO” products, Whole Foods is ironically a serious detriment to shoppers’ health when they immediately have a stroke upon seeing their receipt total.
  2. Trader Joe’s: Trader Joes is not simply a grocery store; it’s an entirely different universe. In what other world can you buy wine for $4 while hipsters in Hawaiian shirts ringing you up tell you what you’re buying is “totally one of their favorites?” However, out of respect for their low prices, they get to be No. 2 on this list. 
  3. Wegmans: Wegmans is well known for having relatively cheap products for good-quality food. However, its weirdly strong following places it in the middle of this list — ask anyone in Jersey and they’ll tell you they would sell their soul to keep shopping at Wegmans. 
  4. The Fresh Market: The Fresh Market is trying to reinvent grocery stores by focusing on fresh food. Anytime a business uses the word “reinvent,” you can be sure there’s some sort of gentrification going on there. 
  5. Safeway: Posing as a regular grocery store among the likes of ShopRite or Stop & Shop, Safeway fools its shoppers with its almost too ordinary appearance. However, Safeway’s jacked-up prices are most definitely not ordinary — and puts it at No. 5 on this list. 

Katie Watke (COL ’22)

Top-Five Best (and I mean the absolute very best) Chinese Foods To Order and Crave on a Daily Basis:

  1. Bao Bun (preferably of the pork variety) 
  2. Shrimp (specifically) Soup Dumplings 
  3. All Other Types of Soup Dumplings 
  4. Egg and Tomato Soup (for those days when you’ve eaten one too many bao buns)
  5. Peking Duck (would be number one if — and only if — the delectable dish weren’t so inaccessible!  The only Peking Duck anyone should ever eat exists only in Beijing, so until teleportation becomes a modern mode of transportation, I must sadly place this beloved dish at No. 5)

Georgetown Divests From Fossil Fuels, Replacing Investments With New Opportunities

Late on Feb. 6, Georgetown University announced that it is divesting its endowment from fossil fuels, claiming it will stop new investments in companies that extract fossil fuels of all forms and proposing a timeline for divesting from both public and private investments in fossil fuel companies.

This divestment is a momentous first step in Georgetown’s role in ensuring the health of the planet and the lives of future generations, showing its commitment to all current and future Hoyas.

In a pivot to increase transparency regarding Georgetown’s $1.6 billion endowment (a little more than what Jeff Bezos makes in a week), Georgetown has offered the 4E an inside scoop on its plans for the funds previously invested in those companies.

One major investment opportunity Georgetown is pursuing is the app used in the Iowa caucus, IowaRecorder app. Created by a for-profit software firm, Georgetown has poured an unknown amount into the company, citing the app’s ability to create media buzz and attention as a reason for the investment. While the app has been mired in controversy, all publicity is good publicity, right? At first, this may seem like a risky move, seeing as it almost caused the absolute destruction of the Democratic Party, but compared to the damage the fossil fuel industry has done to the planet, this investment is a safe bet.

Georgetown University has ample financial advisers in the form of MSBros and has heeded their advice in regard to reinvesting funds removed from fossil fuel companies. A group of MSB students has successfully petitioned for investing in various snake sanctuaries, as it would ensure that MSB graduates have a safe and comfortable home for retirement after a long, successful life at their family’s private equity firm. This new investment will help diversify Georgetown’s portfolio and make its endowment practically recession-proof.

A retired MSB student in a newly built snake sanctuary funded by Georgetown University.

Interestingly, Georgetown has chosen to take some of the funds previously devoted to the fossil fuel industry out of its endowment and use it to buy various products. It has quietly bought every tenured professor their own personal trash truck to transport them around D.C. Even though these trucks average three miles per gallon, Georgetown justifies this purchase by arguing that professors are now free to move farther from campus, saving them a ton of money by allowing them to move away from the ludicrously expensive D.C. area.

A sneak peek of all the professors’ new whips.

Georgetown has also allocated a large portion of assets freed from fossil fuel companies to the purchase of raw beef and lamb, citing that it’s bulking season and red meat has great nutritional value. It’s even rumored that the entirety of Old North has been converted into a giant freezer in order to store the metric tons of meat Georgetown has bought.

St. Ignatius of Loyola, the founder of the Jesuits, would have wanted it this way. In fact, he’s quoted saying that a strong bicep is just as important as, if not more important than, a strong mind. Cura personalis, right?

Regardless of whether you agree with these financial decisions, Georgetown has proven yet again to be on the forefront of combating climate change. Every day, Georgetown gives us another reason to be proud to be a Hoya.

Play Better Music at Georgetown Parties

I have a problem. For the past 519 days I have spent as a student at Georgetown University, I have come to learn that frat boys have terrible the worst taste in music. Does EDM really stand for Electronic Dance Music? More like Everyone Doesn’t Mwant to listen to this.

To assist these boys in finding the perfect party playlist, we at the 4E have curated this list of — semi-underrated — bops!

~real gif of a freshman trying to navigate the dance floor~

Sk8er Boi” by Avril Lavigne

Criminally underrated, Avril Lavigne gets no love from the Georgetown Fraternities ™. If you play this, I assure you your party will be a success!

DONTTRUSTME” by 3OH!3

“The Fourth Edition” vibing to this bop

What happened to “DONTTRUSTME”? I want to hear this jam at every party! #BRING3OH!3BACK

Any song from the “Mamma Mia” soundtrack

“Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)”? Bop.

“Does Your Mother Know”? Bop.

The ALMIGHTY “Dancing Queen”? Bop.

You literally can not go wrong.

“What Dreams Are Made Of” from “The Lizzie McGuire Movie

Any kid of the late ’90s or early 2000s KNOWS “What Dreams Are Made Of” is THAT song. If you can’t get down to it, you’re lying to yourself. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

“I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys

One word: iconic.

“Breaking Free” from “High School Musical

I heard this song at one (1) party, and everybody went ballistic. I just want to pretend that I’m Gabriella Montez! Is that too much to ask?

“Potential Breakup Song” by Aly & AJ

This absolute bop is the perfect soundtrack to a dance floor breakup. Let the drama ensue!

“Y.M.C.A.” by Village People

Who doesn’t want to see a group of drunken freshmen do the YCMA? Or is it the YCAM? You get the point!

“Mr. Brightside” by The Killers

They don’t play it enough. I just need a party of exclusively “Mr. Brightside” on repeat.

Honorable Mentions: “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood, “Fergalicious” by Fergie,“Crazy In Love” by Beyoncé feat. Jay-Z, and Pitbull’s entire discography

Music of the Last Decade

The beginning of 2020 signaled the start of a new decade. It provided a chance for all of us — over the age of 10 — to reminisce about the past 10 years, both the good times and the bad, the mistakes and the triumphs, and, most importantly, the aging of our music taste. Don’t get me wrong — I recognize the deep joy that a throwback playlist can contain; I praise my shuffle every time it gifts me with a 2011 smash hit that I haven’t heard since middle school. However, fan loyalty also comes with the risk of watching your favorite artists spiral downward, along with their music. The last decade has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and in order to celebrate and, in some cases, mourn the evolution of the musical best of the 2010s, I’ve compiled this list.  

Flourished:

Starting things off on a positive note, here are some artists that truly flourished this decade, along with their music. 

Ariana Grande

I don’t think it’s even necessary to provide evidence of how Ariana Grande has flourished in the last decade. Everyone knows. Her success has been in everyone’s face since the beginning of the decade when she starred in “Victorious,” but especially since her 2018 album release, “sweetener.” She’s won so many awards and broken countless records on Billboard, Spotify, — you name it. Plus, she topped off the decade with a world tour that had over 100 shows! She really smashed the 2010s. Go Ari. 

Lana Del Rey

Lana Del Rey has also had an incredible decade. Since her debut album “Born To Die” in 2012, she has branded herself like no other. She’s put out such a solid and consistent portfolio of music. In the last decade she has become the icon for edgy — yet somehow still mainstream — fans who wish they had the LA blues.

Justin Timberlake 

For someone who already had an “Essential Mixes” album by 2010, it’s pretty impressive that Justin Timberlake has remained a respected and big name in music throughout the last decade. Timberlake’s pièce de résistance of the decade — and probably of his career — was his 2013 release “The 20/20 Experience,” which was a two-disc, 25-song album that truly highlighted his talent as a songwriter and as a performer. Even his 2018 country pop-infused album contained some welcomed surprises. Timberlake’s contributions to the film scene — ref. “Trolls,” “Friends with Benefits,” “In Time” — along with his iconic appearances on late-night TV, also earned him points in the “flourishing” category.

Jonas Brothers

The Jo Bros had a huge comeback in 2019 with their album “Happiness Begins” after almost exactly 10 years since their last release. Some of their singles off that album were instantly popular thanks to their fans, who, even in their mid-20s, were ready to “Camp Rock” again.

Plus, they all got married! To high-profile celebrity actresses! Good for them.

Flopped: 

Now, sadly, it’s time for the artists who didn’t exactly thrive in the 2010s. Some of us just weren’t ready for the 2000s to be over. Life moves too fast. We hate to see it. 

Maroon 5

Poor Maroon 5 had such an awesome start to the decade — what happened?! With “Hands All Over” in 2011 and “Overexposed” in 2012, Maroon 5 was on top of the world. Of course, even from these two albums its trajectory into mainstream pop was super clear. But I really had hopes that they would retain at least some of its original sound, the pop-jazzy stuff that began its success from its debut album “Songs About Jane.” But even with “V” in 2015, I could see I was bound to be disappointed. Maroon 5 finished off the decade with Adam Levine basically forcing the band to tailor itself to the same exact same sound every other artist on the pop radio was putting out. What a shame.

Paramore

After absolutely smashing the 2000s decade with three great records with numerous hits, Paramore has not exactly found the same sense of chart-topping triumph awaiting it at the end of this decade. 

To be fair, though, Paramore did start off the decade with a bang. Its self-titled album, released in 2013, found great success. That album had several hits, including “Still Into You” and “Ain’t It Fun,” which won a Grammy for Best Rock Song. In addition to that, Paramore went on tour for this album in 2014, accompanied by Fall Out Boy and Panic! at the Disco. I actually saw this show when I was a freshman in high school and can say from personal experience that in this stage of the decade, Paramore rocked.

However, Paramore decided to end the decade with the release of its latest album, “After Laughter,” which hugely missed the mark. “After Laughter” is such a bizarre departure from the 2000s pop-punk sound that had brought them so much success until this point, it’s frustrating as a fan to try to figure out what spurred this album and this evolved sound for them. The album sounds like Paramore’s transition into mainstream pop via a weird MGMT- or Phoenix-inspired indie route. A definite flop, in this writer’s opinion.

Not all hope is lost! Hayley Williams, Paramore’s lead singer, has begun teasing new solo music. Here’s hoping it rocks, and not in the business of misery.

Taylor Swift 

Taylor followed the same, sad mainstream-pop trajectory we have seen from so many other artists. She used to be a country queen. And we loved her for it. But sadly, the Old Taylor is dead. 

I personally feel like Taylor Swift tricked me into being her fan when I was young and only wanted to listen to cliché love songs about the boy next door. Now, even though all she ever writes anymore are rants about her haters, I feel like I have to at least give it a chance. I know the Old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now, and I know she has a completely different sound, but for some reason, I always try every new thing she puts out. And I am sad to admit that I like every new thing she releases even less than I did the one before. I am so tired of being a Taylor Swift fan. If it wasn’t for my personal attachment to “Speak Now” and “Fearless,” I would seriously consider writing her off completely from my catalog.

In conclusion, I think it’s safe to say this decade has truly been a wild ride in the pop music industry. I guess we’ll see where the 2020s take us! As for me, I’ll be here, still waiting for Rihanna to make her comeback.

The Hidden Gems of Disney+

For only $6.99 a month — or $5.83 per month if you buy the yearly subscription —Hoyas can get their hands on Disney+, the new streaming platform filled with Disney’s vault. While old favorites are still being added — waiting for you, “Sonny with a Chance” and “Cory in the House” <3 — the current collection is massive, with about 500 films and 7,500 television episodes.

That said, all of these movies can easily be lost in the rabble. The 4E is here to bring you the top hidden gems that you can’t miss!

Mr. Boogedy

Spooky Season is never over. This off-brand “Beetlejuice” is perfect for those who love a terrible horror movie.

Horse Sense

For past, present, and future Horse Girls™ (and boys)!

“College Road Trip

Who is your favorite Georgetown alumni? Mine is Raven-Symoné.

“Sinbad: First Kid

With the 2020 election fast approaching, this film is sure to put you in a ~political~ mood!

Tuck Everlasting

Image result for tuck everlasting

Ever wonder what would happen if Rory Gilmore fell in love with an eternal being? Yeah, me neither!

Mulan II

What happens when every character gets a perfectly matched love interest? This movie. This movie is what happens.

Happy binging, Hoyas!

Best Ways To Get Around Georgetown

As wintertime on the Hilltop™ freezes even the warmest hearts of the students in the NHS to match those in the MSB, Georgetown students are trying to keep cozy in their dorm rooms — or Lau, but Burnout Szn™ coincides with winter.  With that in mind, finding the best transportation to navigate the treacherous frozen hill(s) is essential to keep time in the cold at a minimum, especially when considering how inaccessible this campus really is.

To make Hoyas’ lives easier, here’s a top-five list of the best ways to get around Georgetown’s campus!

5. A (Mechanical) Razor™ Scooter

We’re kickin’ it old school, folks!  These metal death traps are back and better than ever — no app needed!  Ankle protection, however, is not included. 

4. A Sled

Once the Hilltop ices over, gravity can bring you all the way from Lau to Leo’s.  In the meantime, you might as well hire a friend with negative Flex dollars to drag you around! 

3. Jack the Bulldog’s Jeep

Remember when you first went on a tour with Blue and Gray, and they told you all about how ~seniors steal the clock hands~?  I propose we start a new tradition: stealing Jack the Bulldog’s mini jeep and driving to class in it.

2. Naruto Run

Economically friendly for all Hoyas, Naruto running will help even the slowest students speed from St. Mary’s to Car Barn in 30 seconds tops!

1. Heely’s

Please.  Please help me bring Heelys back in style.  I’m begging.

We could match <333

Apparently, Billionaires Get Lonely, Too

Mr. Jeff Bezos, hot off the stove of a divorce, seems to be getting lonesome in his new life as a bachelor. With his purchase of a “quaint” home in Washington, D.C., he seems to be on the prowl. Alexa must not be good company anymore, because Jeff is scoping out for something more real. Thanks to our impressive network of sources, we are honored to be the first to show the definitely “REAL, AUTHENTIC, UNEDITED” dating profiles of Jeffery Preston Bezos. 

TINDER:

Bio: Hi! I’m an open book — ask me anything! Billionaires are people, too, so be kind. A proud Boomer. Legend has it, if you rub my shiny bald head, Alexa will appear and buy you anything you desire. If you rub another part of my body, something even better happens ;)

BUMBLE:

GRINDR: ???

Mr. Bezos, too, seems to be looking to get cuffed this holiday season. No doubt he’s splurged on all the premium profiles on these apps to get those extra matches, but until he deletes these profiles, it seems like he hasn’t found The One. I guess money can’t buy everything. Happy swiping, Hoyas.