It’s that time of year again, when a whole new cohort of sophomores sets out to choose which major they want to cry over for two more years. Each department picks out its best outfit and lines, naive enough to think they’ll have a chance of beating government but quickly humbled by the lack of phone calls asking for a second Leo’s date. Don’t worry, this stops today — this is a list made for all of the majors pushed aside and hidden from the limelight, like a freshman in Darnall. This is for you:
To Classics:
You may be ancient, but you have aged like fine wine. A true classic beauty that some would even say resembles the likeness of a Greek god. Given a little consideration, students will Rome in flocks to meet you on the third floor of Healy — to heal your broken heart.
To American Musical Culture:
You’ve been a little bit out of tune, huh? Don’t worry — no one noticed with your great composer. Always remember, you AmeriCAN get those prospective newcomers.
To Linguistics:
You may need to work on your communication. Once you learn to not overanalyze, the conversations will seem a lot less daunting, and I alphaBET you’ll be number one!
To Theater and Performance Studies:
We know you don’t play around, so it’s no act when we say you hold a special place in our hearts and deserve all of our props. The talent you craft is a gift curtsy of your amazing faculty, tied together with the perfect bow.
ToComputer Science:
You’re on this list because you software your heart on your sleeve but are still looking for that someone to find the key to it. Hint: It’s QWERTY. Get ready for the influx of applications and try not to file too many away. They may call the MSBros snakes, but we all know you’re the real python.
To Physics:
In no way are you an absolute zero, but for sure a solid seven and a half. Some stand out qualities: you give off great energy, you care about what matters, you’ve never broken a law, you love a good jam session to “Free Fallin’” and they don’t call you the Big Bang for nothing!
While in the show “You” there are seven totems that mark one’s initiation into Los Angeles life, indeed there are another seven to become a full ~Hoya~. Read below to find out if you have actually reached full membership on the Hilltop.
1. Watch two rats fighting by a trash can in the dead of the night
D.C. is full of fascinating and beautiful fauna, but the rat is undoubtedly held in greatest esteem at Georgetown. If you’re lucky enough to see two of them fighting by a trash can in the dead of the night, preferably by a Henle, you’re more of a Hoya than you’ll ever know.
2. An overflowing toilet
While some may marvel at the charm of Healy and its surrounding tulip beds, I contend that the most pleasant aspect of Georgetown are the facilities — specifically overflowing toilets. Did someone clog it? Is it a simple, common malfunction? Who knows.
3. Cry over an abandoned, half-eaten grilled cheese from Epi
Anyone on the Hilltop will tell you that the proper night out ends with an excursion to Epicurean. Whether you’re merely chilling or ordering food after visiting a sweaty Henle, you and your friends (if lucky) will definitely end up sitting down at a table covered with half-eaten leftovers from your fellow, drunken Hoyas.
4. Have a cockroach in your dorm
If you thought rats were the worst thing to find in your room, guess again. Roaches also carry 33 kinds of bacteria, six different types of parasitic worms and seven known pathogens — just remember that next time one crawls across your desk.
5. Wake up to never-ending construction at 6 a.m.
If you live in Henle or Darnall, you’re all too familiar with the morning not being brought in by the sunrise, but with, well, the sound of a dump truck.
6. See the three-legged dog from SWQ
While you may have thought Jack the Bulldog was the goodest boy on campus, you were wrong. Keep an eye out for the three-legged doggo (named Crouton!) who lives in the Southwest Quad. Extra points if you pet him.
7. Admire the Harry Styles cardboard cutout in Vil A
Keep an eye out for the ominous presence of a Harry Styles cardboard cutout next time you drunkenly wander Vil A in search of a darty. You won’t be disappointed.
Attention all single Hoyas! Looking for love this Valentine’s Day? Well, look no further than this list of perfect options to be your next Valentine!
The Student Guard Who Doesn’t Make You Swipe
They see your hands are completely full: Olive Branch Grain Bowl in your left, your “International Finance” textbook in your right. You make eye contact, and they give you a nod to pass through. Sparks fly.
Your RA Who Only Gave You a ~Warning~
You were blasting “Gotta Go My Own Way,” as performed by Vanessa Hudgens in “High School Musical 2,” clearly going through it. While your RA was doing their rounds on the floor, they were startled by the volume (but appreciated the bop, of course). A soft knock at the door alerts you: You are going to be in so much trouble. Sensing your struggles, they let you off with a warning: “Turn the music down.” How compassionate!
The Midnight MUG Worker Who Drew a ’Lil Heart on Your Iced “Beloved”
Could there be a clearer choice for a Valentine? They clearly are interested (and not just trying to get a tip)! You proudly showcase the heart at your crowded table on Lau 2, only to see Becky from WRIT-015’s coffee has the exact same symbol. Let the battle commence.
The SFS Kid in Your Philosophy Discussion Who Always Plays “Devil’s Advocate”
. . .Maybe he just needs someone to advocate for him <3
The Guy Who Left You On Read Two Months Ago
Valentine’s Day shouldn’t just be about forming new connections, but it should be about ~reviving~ old ones. Give him a second chance to prove you wrong! Slide up on his Snapchat story with his new girlfriend with Justin Bieber lyrics, post that selfie to your Instagram and check maniacally whether he saw it or not, or even show up at his dorm (it worked in “Love Actually”)!
An Elkay LZS8WSLK EZH2O Bottle Filling Station With Single ADA Cooler, Filtered, 8 GPH
Are you an environmentalist? Are you a Yates bro? Are you both? Well, lucky for you, the Elkay LZS8WSLK EZH2O Bottle Filling Station with Single ADA Cooler, Filtered, 8 GPH is single and ready to mingle. Although sedentary, it ~mingles~ with everyone, so don’t expect to be Elkay’s only Valentine!
Todd A. Olson
They don’t call him vice president of student ~affairs~ for nothing ;)
Leo’s Workers Who Call You “Sugar” or “Baby”
Nothing is more pure than the interactions with our service workers! Treat them with respect every day, not just if they’re your prospective Valentine! But, a little chocolate and a teddy bear couldn’t hurt.
Me!
My favorite flowers are lilies, my favorite type of chocolate is dark and my favorite metal is silver ;)
Earlier in this semester, we at The Fourth Edition welcomed three new fantastically ~quirky~ sophomores to our staff: Jessica Alexander, Melanie Boychuk and Katie Watke!
As the year progresses, we hope you get to know them through their incredible work, but for now, here is each new hire’s “Top 5” list!
Jessica Alexander (COL ’22)
Top-Five Bagels (Dedicated to Einstein’s Lovers and New Jerseyans alike):
Everything
Pumpernickel
Cinnamon Sugar
Sesame Seed
Plain
Melanie Boychuk (COL ’22)
Top-Five Most Pretentious Grocery Stores
Whole Foods: Whole Foods takes the (organic, gluten-free, $30) cake for most pretentious grocery store. Under the guise of “all natural, non-GMO” products, Whole Foods is ironically a serious detriment to shoppers’ health when they immediately have a stroke upon seeing their receipt total.
Trader Joe’s: Trader Joes is not simply a grocery store; it’s an entirely different universe. In what other world can you buy wine for $4 while hipsters in Hawaiian shirts ringing you up tell you what you’re buying is “totally one of their favorites?” However, out of respect for their low prices, they get to be No. 2 on this list.
Wegmans: Wegmans is well known for having relatively cheap products for good-quality food. However, its weirdly strong following places it in the middle of this list — ask anyone in Jersey and they’ll tell you they would sell their soul to keep shopping at Wegmans.
The Fresh Market: The Fresh Market is trying to reinvent grocery stores by focusing on fresh food. Anytime a business uses the word “reinvent,” you can be sure there’s some sort of gentrification going on there.
Safeway: Posing as a regular grocery store among the likes of ShopRite or Stop & Shop, Safeway fools its shoppers with its almost too ordinary appearance. However, Safeway’s jacked-up prices are most definitely not ordinary — and puts it at No. 5 on this list.
Katie Watke (COL ’22)
Top-Five Best (and I mean the absolute very best) Chinese Foods To Order and Crave on a Daily Basis:
Bao Bun (preferably of the pork variety)
Shrimp (specifically) Soup Dumplings
All Other Types of Soup Dumplings
Egg and Tomato Soup (for those days when you’ve eaten one too many bao buns)
Peking Duck (would be number one if — and only if — the delectable dish weren’t so inaccessible! The only Peking Duck anyone should ever eat exists only in Beijing, so until teleportation becomes a modern mode of transportation, I must sadly place this beloved dish at No. 5)
You could show your love with the standard wholesome potluck, or choose to get a little creative this year: Pick up the tab on your group’s late-night Domino’s order, congregate in Leo’s to taste the Fresh Food Company™’s seasonal creations or Venmo all of your stressed-out friends a couple of bucks for coffee at Midnight Mug. Share the love!
Parental Appreciation Breakfast
Get up early one morning during Thanksgiving break and make your parents some pancakes, French toast or maybe even a frittata if you’re feeling inspired. This gesture will basically repay them for the accumulated costs of tuition, room and board, Uber Eats and everything else they’ve done for you since birth.
“Give Me an A” Brownies
Drop these in your professor’s mailbox with a personalized note as a last-ditch effort to save your grade. Ah, sweet, sweet bribery. If the president’s doing it, we can at least try to do it too.
Disclaimer: The Hoya does not endorse bribery.
“Be My Friend?” Picture Cookies
We all know about those cute, delicious sugar cookies with seasonally appropriate decorations. Make a batch of the ones with turkeys on them, park yourself at a table on Lau 2 and wait for your new friends to arrive. This will make up for the feelings of homesickness and isolation that are bound to arise this holiday season.
This is not a Pillsbury ad.
“Goodbye Forever” Cake
If you’re going abroad like me, soften the blow of your last rendezvous with friends and family by saying what everyone is already thinking in cake form. This way, you can all get over your separation anxiety by eating your feelings together.
With the fall comes the inevitability of sweater weather, pumpkin spice lattes (shout out to my fellow basic girls), football season and, if you’re a Georgetown student who is still keen on having a Greek life experience, a date party is sure to be included.
Whether you’re a lucky invitee or the one in the Greek organization, the promise of date party holds great magic and appeal (as long as you don’t find yourself yacking behind the bushes of the venue). Since you’ve probably encountered this group on your own anyway, here are the four dates you’ll come across during your date party experience.
#1 — The Indirect Date
There’s no doubt that asking someone to your frat or sorority’s date party is nerve-wracking, but there’s nothing quite like the date that’s established indirectly. Maybe it was your best friend who orchestrated the set up, or maybe it was your friend’s friend’s friend who asked if you’d be interested in going together. Either way, all you know is that somehow you got roped into a date without the person even asking you directly or touching base with you about the fact that you’re going together in general.
#2 — The “I thought we were just going as friends” Date
You’ve known them for a while, shared laughs and played a few good rounds of pong here and there. Thank God, you’ve been asked by a friend you actually don’t need to worry about having ulterior motives. Oh wait, they want to know if you’ll go back to Vil A with them? Welp — this night’s going to have a slightly awkward ending.
#3 — The Mystery Date
Who is this girl? Does she even go here?? You haven’t seen her, and your friends seem to have no clue who she is. You can tell she definitely doesn’t go to Georgetown— perhaps a girl from GW? Oh wait, she goes to American. That explains it.
#4 — The One Who Had Way Too Much to Drink
The night has only begun, yet it seems like this date has been drinking for, well, a while now. Their hair is messy, outfit is ruffled, and their breath is … WOW. The champagne and shackles tradition will end one of two ways: the funniest thing you’ve ever seen or something you can’t unsee.
Get out your champagne flutes and call your limo driver!
It’s red carpet season, and the greatest awards show of all is TONIGHT: The Oscars.
Even if you’re having trouble locating your Cartier earrings and haute couture ballgown, don’t stress. Get yourself to a TV, pop that bubbly, and get ready to judge the rich and famous as if you didn’t wear sweats to class on a daily basis.
If you are over the age of 21 and read Daily Mail updates as soon as you get up in the morning, this drinking game is for you. If you’re not into showbiz, this will help you become an interesting/worthwhile person to hang out with.
Without further ado…
Take a shot every time:
There’s an awkward break in the program because they couldn’t get it together and find an inoffensive host. Why’d you have to go and be homophobic like that, Kevin??
Someone’s heartfelt acceptance speech is played off.
I’d like to thank my mom for giving birth to me so that I could write this article.
There’s a Trump joke but it really just isn’t even funny anymore. :/
Rami Malek has a wide-eyed look on his face that makes you want to cuddle him and ask, “Baby are you okay???”
Take 2 shots every time:
You see a celeb with a whole new face. Renée Zellweger — is that a mask, sweetie?
Someone does the “Wakanda Forever” salute.
A winner doesn’t show up to grab their statue because they’re just TOO GOOD. My money’s on Kendrick — the man has a Pulitzer and simply does not need a little golden naked man on his shelf.
Your fave gets absolutely ROBBED. Glenn Close is cute and all, but if Gaga doesn’t get that gold, I’m gonna take to the streets. Sorry, not sorry.
Finish your drink when:
Lady Gaga repeats her now-iconic line: “There can be 100 people in a room, and 99 don’t believe in you, but just ONE…”
BUT I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU, GAGA.
You spot a Hoya! #Hoyas4BCoop #ButtChug4BCoop #WhoSaidThat
You make it through the entire show!! You are a star and you deserve your own award!!
Stay fabulous, my friends. Perhaps we, too, can be as hot and cool as Bradley Cooper someday.
Can you believe it? Midterms are (finally) over and Christmas is literally WEEKS away!
Before I get too far ahead and offend all those people who “love” Thanksgiving, let’s jump right into what this article is actually about. Today, I’ve decided to give you the 10 things you should be most thankful for as a Hoya — and yes, I know it can be pretty difficult to figure it out sometimes. Here they are:
That one time a semester when you think a rat is about to jump out of the bush and it turns out to be a bunny
All your tuition money is being spent on a “green space” that will not be finished until after we all graduate.
The elevator in Regents that is ALWAYS there for those of us who have given up on taking the stairs up to Leavey
When the workers at Einstein’s learn your name — it’s a great feeling, speaking from personal experience here.
Pasta week at Launch — it’s 100 percent the best week, don’t try to deny it.
When Jack’s Crew lets you get less than 3 feet away from Jack to take a picture
The Georgetown meme page
The smell on the second floor of the ICC is almost completely gone.
Well, you go to Georgetown. I know this is kind of soft, but it’s true.
It’s officially winter, my fellow Hoyas*. You know what that means: finals, Christmas and, of course, being freezing at all times. Here are some tips and tricks from your friends at 4E to help you stay warm over the next few months:
*Yes, I know winter doesn’t officially start until December something, but when it starts getting dark outside before I’ve eaten lunch, I consider it winter and so should you.
1. Invest in a Nice Jacket
I mean nice but not too nice. If you purchase either a Canada Goose or a Barbour, I can guarantee it will mysteriously “go missing” from a chair in the corner of some Henle party within a month — s/o to GUPD Chief of Police Jay Gruber.
2. Stop Drinking Iced Coffee.
It’s disgusting even when it’s actually hot outside. There is absolutely no reason to order iced coffee while wearing a scarf. Ice doesn’t belong in coffee. Just order it hot and stop being so weird.
3. Eat a Hot Chick From Wisey’s
Haha, get it? Because it’s “Hot.” Also, your stomach will hurt so badly afterward that you’ll forget all about how cold you feel!
4. Run (From the Rats on Campus)
There are So. Many. Rats. On. This. Campus. You’ll be plenty warm in no time once you start sprinting away from the ones that have started nesting directly outside your apartment!
5. Get a Significant Other
Cuffing Szn, amirite #ladies? 70 percent of Hoyas date other Hoyas!*
*and end things the minute it finally gets warm enough to darty again.
6. Ghost Everyone in Your Life Who Lives in Burleith.
In these frigid temperatures, it’s just not worth the walk. Sacrifices must be made.
7. Take a Bird Scooter Everywhere
The less time you have to spend outside, the better. To get where you’re going faster, Bird everywhere. Bird to class. Bird to Leo’s. Bird to Lau. Bird in Lau. The relatively high risk of accidentally “running into someone” or “getting run over by a car” is definitely worth cutting three minutes out of your commute.
P.S. If you Lime, Skip or — God forbid — Lyft anywhere on this campus, I hope you get stuck behind a slow walker on a narrow path.
8. Stop Going to Class.
You can’t get cold if you don’t go outside. Literally stop leaving your dorm/apartment/house for any reason. The semester is basically over anyway; you’ll be fine.
9. Start Smoking Cigarettes.
In light of the recent, shocking revelation that Juuls are bad for your health, try the fun alternative that looks cool, tastes great and, most importantly, keeps your fingers warm!*
*This is sarcasm. There are already way too many people contributing to the cloud of carcinogens I have to walk through before entering Lau each day. Please do not become one of them.
10. Stress-Cry.
Nothing warms your face faster than a steady stream of stress-induced tears. Finals season is right around the corner to help you out with this one.
It doesn’t seem valid to get excited year after year about a holiday that commemorates our subjugation of native peoples and destructive colonial ways, but let me tell you: I am excited for Thanksgiving break.
You may ask me, “What could be so exciting about five days in central New Jersey?” Well, first of all, New Jersey is the most underrated state. Second of all, a brief reprieve from midterms is exactly what I need to restore my sanity.
Please join me on a ~journey~ to cozy, fall-time feels. Whether you’re travelling home for Thanksgiving or not, these activities should allow you to start healing that part of your soul that a semester-long midterm season has sucked out of you.
First, play this song for maximum reading experience.
Day 1: Nov. 5
Divine your Thanksgiving horoscope. What’s in the stars for you this year? If you’re going home, will you finally hook up with your high school crush? Will you get taken to the hospital with an irreversible food coma? Only one way to find out…
Day 2: Nov. 6
Go vote. If you haven’t voted yet, please motivate yourself with the thought of Great-Grandma Pat’s wrath when you tell her you abused the right she fought so hard for back when they only showered like once a week or whatever. This way, when your family members start arguing at the dinner table, you’ll be able to validate the opinions you’ve honed in all of those SFS classes by proving that you’re an active participant in our democracy.
Day 3: Nov. 7
Plan out your plate. Everyone knows that going into the holiday meal without an attack plan is a fool’s errand. Use the below image to prevent future discomfort and maximize future deliciousness.
Day 4: Nov. 8
Get the 411 on those crazy relatives you’re afraid to see. Call your mom. You should probably do this anyway, but for your own safety, ask her to give you an update about Aunt Linda’s “situation” so you’re not blindsided on the big day.
Day 5: Nov. 9
Start filling up your shopping carts. Two weeks before Black Friday, go against your better judgment and let those natural consumer instincts run wild. I’ve never actually shopped on Black Friday before, but I like to imagine that filling up online shopping carts is just as good.
Day 6: Nov. 10
Check out those fall colors. Get out of your musty apartment for once and take a walk somewhere in the city — it’s actually very beautiful here and we tend to take that for granted too often.
Day 7: Nov. 11
It’s cuffing season. Have you found your big/little spoon yet? It’s getting pretty chilly outside; you should probably get on that.
Day 8: Nov. 12
Convince your dad that a turducken is a bad idea. Tell him the hard truth: 55 is too old to spice things up, especially with the multi-meat equivalent of the Human Centipede. Like him, sometimes oldies are goodies — no more of this millennial nonsense.
Day 9: Nov. 13
Start packing. I’m serious. If you do it this far in advance, you’ll avoid that last-minute packing nightmare in which you somehow only bring home booty shorts, a turtleneck and over-the-knee boots.
Day 10: Nov. 14
Do something ~cute~ with your friends. Make a pie. Drink some chai. Discuss the best moisturizing strategies for preventing dry winter skin (non-spon but pls check out this account @dewydudes). Put aside homework for a sec and appreciate the value of good, wholesome fun.
Day 11: Nov. 15
Come up with a fake major to get your grandparents off your back. They don’t understand that you’re not wasting their money; you’re just finding yourself. So, pose as a Future Government Official/Investment Person to get out of hot water with the old folks.
Day 12: Nov. 16
Learn how to play football (?). I’m very thankful that my family does not maintain this tradition, but if yours does, it’s probably time to tighten up that spiral. Who knows, maybe you’ll get concussed and won’t have to take any more exams!
Bradley Cooper in “A Star is Born,” 2018 (colorized).
Day 13: Nov. 17
Thank your roommate(s). Whether you’re best friends or mere living partners, be grateful to this person for putting up with you. This way, your inability to wash dishes and sexiling habits won’t weigh heavy on your conscience over the break.
Day 14: Nov. 18
Friendsgiving! Get together with all of your friends for one last hurrah before going your separate ways. A group dinner feat. Leo’s turkey and mashed potatoes never looked so cute.
Day 15: Nov. 19
Watch the twurkey dance. This is a good distraction that will get you hype for the holiday.
Day 16: Nov. 20
What? Sorry. I’m already gone. If possible, remove yourself mentally and/or physically from the Georgetown environment. This could be done in the form of a really long nap, ripping up a blue book — you name it.
