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Valentine’s Day: Valentine Alternatives

Attention all single Hoyas! Looking for love this Valentine’s Day? Well, look no further than this list of perfect options to be your next Valentine!

The Student Guard Who Doesn’t Make You Swipe

They see your hands are completely full: Olive Branch Grain Bowl in your left, your “International Finance” textbook in your right. You make eye contact, and they give you a nod to pass through. Sparks fly.

Your RA Who Only Gave You a ~Warning~

You were blasting “Gotta Go My Own Way,” as performed by Vanessa Hudgens in “High School Musical 2,” clearly going through it. While your RA was doing their rounds on the floor, they were startled by the volume (but appreciated the bop, of course). A soft knock at the door alerts you: You are going to be in so much trouble. Sensing your struggles, they let you off with a warning: “Turn the music down.” How compassionate!

The Midnight MUG Worker Who Drew a ’Lil Heart on Your Iced “Beloved”

Could there be a clearer choice for a Valentine? They clearly are interested (and not just trying to get a tip)! You proudly showcase the heart at your crowded table on Lau 2, only to see Becky from WRIT-015’s coffee has the exact same symbol. Let the battle commence.

The SFS Kid in Your Philosophy Discussion Who Always Plays “Devil’s Advocate”

. . .Maybe he just needs someone to advocate for him <3

The Guy Who Left You On Read Two Months Ago

Valentine’s Day shouldn’t just be about forming new connections, but it should be about ~reviving~ old ones. Give him a second chance to prove you wrong! Slide up on his Snapchat story with his new girlfriend with Justin Bieber lyrics, post that selfie to your Instagram and check maniacally whether he saw it or not, or even show up at his dorm (it worked in “Love Actually”)!

An Elkay LZS8WSLK EZH2O Bottle Filling Station With Single ADA Cooler, Filtered, 8 GPH

Are you an environmentalist? Are you a Yates bro? Are you both? Well, lucky for you, the Elkay LZS8WSLK EZH2O Bottle Filling Station with Single ADA Cooler, Filtered, 8 GPH is single and ready to mingle. Although sedentary, it ~mingles~ with everyone, so don’t expect to be Elkay’s only Valentine!

Todd A. Olson

They don’t call him vice president of student ~affairs~ for nothing ;)

Leo’s Workers Who Call You “Sugar” or “Baby”

Nothing is more pure than the interactions with our service workers! Treat them with respect every day, not just if they’re your prospective Valentine! But, a little chocolate and a teddy bear couldn’t hurt.

Me!

My favorite flowers are lilies, my favorite type of chocolate is dark and my favorite metal is silver ;)

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Things To Cook for Your Loved Ones This Thanksgiving Season

Things to Cook for Your Loved Ones This Thanksgiving Season

The Traditional Friendsgiving Meal

You could show your love with the standard wholesome potluck, or choose to get a little creative this year: Pick up the tab on your group’s late-night Domino’s order, congregate in Leo’s to taste the Fresh Food Company™’s seasonal creations or Venmo all of your stressed-out friends a couple of bucks for coffee at Midnight Mug. Share the love!

Parental Appreciation Breakfast

Get up early one morning during Thanksgiving break and make your parents some pancakes, French toast or maybe even a frittata if you’re feeling inspired. This gesture will basically repay them for the accumulated costs of tuition, room and board, Uber Eats and everything else they’ve done for you since birth.

“Give Me an A” Brownies

Drop these in your professor’s mailbox with a personalized note as a last-ditch effort to save your grade. Ah, sweet, sweet bribery. If the president’s doing it, we can at least try to do it too.

Disclaimer: The Hoya does not endorse bribery.

“Be My Friend?” Picture Cookies

We all know about those cute, delicious sugar cookies with seasonally appropriate decorations. Make a batch of the ones with turkeys on them, park yourself at a table on Lau 2 and wait for your new friends to arrive. This will make up for the feelings of homesickness and isolation that are bound to arise this holiday season.

This is not a Pillsbury ad.

“Goodbye Forever” Cake

If you’re going abroad like me, soften the blow of your last rendezvous with friends and family by saying what everyone is already thinking in cake form. This way, you can all get over your separation anxiety by eating your feelings together.

Sources: me.me, pillsbury.com, giphy.com, threewells.co

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Oscars Drinking Game

Get out your champagne flutes and call your limo driver!

It’s red carpet season, and the greatest awards show of all is TONIGHT: The Oscars.

Even if you’re having trouble locating your Cartier earrings and haute couture ballgown, don’t stress. Get yourself to a TV, pop that bubbly, and get ready to judge the rich and famous as if you didn’t wear sweats to class on a daily basis.

If you are over the age of 21 and read Daily Mail updates as soon as you get up in the morning, this drinking game is for you. If you’re not into showbiz, this will help you become an interesting/worthwhile person to hang out with.

Without further ado…

Take a shot every time:

There’s an awkward break in the program because they couldn’t get it together and find an inoffensive host. Why’d you have to go and be homophobic like that, Kevin??

Someone’s heartfelt acceptance speech is played off.

I’d like to thank my mom for giving birth to me so that I could write this article.

There’s a Trump joke but it really just isn’t even funny anymore. :/

Rami Malek has a wide-eyed look on his face that makes you want to cuddle him and ask, “Baby are you okay???”

Take 2 shots every time:

You see a celeb with a whole new face. Renée Zellweger — is that a mask, sweetie?

Someone does the “Wakanda Forever” salute.

A winner doesn’t show up to grab their statue because they’re just TOO GOOD. My money’s on Kendrick — the man has a Pulitzer and simply does not need a little golden naked man on his shelf.

Your fave gets absolutely ROBBED. Glenn Close is cute and all, but if Gaga doesn’t get that gold, I’m gonna take to the streets. Sorry, not sorry.

Finish your drink when:

Lady Gaga repeats her now-iconic line: “There can be 100 people in a room, and 99 don’t believe in you, but just ONE…”

BUT I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU, GAGA.

You spot a Hoya! #Hoyas4BCoop #ButtChug4BCoop #WhoSaidThat

You make it through the entire show!! You are a star and you deserve your own award!!

Stay fabulous, my friends. Perhaps we, too, can be as hot and cool as Bradley Cooper someday.

 

Sources: Giphy, Tenor, Buzzfeed

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4E’s Thanksgiving Countdown

It doesn’t seem valid to get excited year after year about a holiday that commemorates our subjugation of native peoples and destructive colonial ways, but let me tell you: I am excited for Thanksgiving break.

You may ask me, “What could be so exciting about five days in central New Jersey?” Well, first of all, New Jersey is the most underrated state. Second of all, a brief reprieve from midterms is exactly what I need to restore my sanity.

Please join me on a ~journey~ to cozy, fall-time feels. Whether you’re travelling home for Thanksgiving or not, these activities should allow you to start healing that part of your soul that a semester-long midterm season has sucked out of you.

First, play this song for maximum reading experience.

Day 1: Nov. 5

Divine your Thanksgiving horoscope. What’s in the stars for you this year? If you’re going home, will you finally hook up with your high school crush? Will you get taken to the hospital with an irreversible food coma? Only one way to find out…

Day 2: Nov. 6

Go vote. If you haven’t voted yet, please motivate yourself with the thought of Great-Grandma Pat’s wrath when you tell her you abused the right she fought so hard for back when they only showered like once a week or whatever. This way, when your family members start arguing at the dinner table, you’ll be able to validate the opinions you’ve honed in all of those SFS classes by proving that you’re an active participant in our democracy.

Day 3: Nov. 7

Plan out your plate. Everyone knows that going into the holiday meal without an attack plan is a fool’s errand. Use the below image to prevent future discomfort and maximize future deliciousness.

Image result for thanksgiving plate outline

Day 4: Nov. 8

Get the 411 on those crazy relatives you’re afraid to see. Call your mom. You should probably do this anyway, but for your own safety, ask her to give you an update about Aunt Linda’s “situation” so you’re not blindsided on the big day.

Day 5: Nov. 9

Start filling up your shopping carts. Two weeks before Black Friday, go against your better judgment and let those natural consumer instincts run wild. I’ve never actually shopped on Black Friday before, but I like to imagine that filling up online shopping carts is just as good.

Day 6: Nov. 10

Check out those fall colors. Get out of your musty apartment for once and take a walk somewhere in the city — it’s actually very beautiful here and we tend to take that for granted too often.

Day 7: Nov. 11

It’s cuffing season. Have you found your big/little spoon yet? It’s getting pretty chilly outside; you should probably get on that.

Day 8: Nov. 12

Convince your dad that a turducken is a bad idea. Tell him the hard truth: 55 is too old to spice things up, especially with the multi-meat equivalent of the Human Centipede. Like him, sometimes oldies are goodies — no more of this millennial nonsense.

Day 9: Nov. 13

Start packing. I’m serious. If you do it this far in advance, you’ll avoid that last-minute packing nightmare in which you somehow only bring home booty shorts, a turtleneck and over-the-knee boots.

Day 10: Nov. 14

Do something ~cute~ with your friends. Make a pie. Drink some chai. Discuss the best moisturizing strategies for preventing dry winter skin (non-spon but pls check out this account @dewydudes). Put aside homework for a sec and appreciate the value of good, wholesome fun.

Day 11: Nov. 15

Come up with a fake major to get your grandparents off your back. They don’t understand that you’re not wasting their money; you’re just finding yourself. So, pose as a Future Government Official/Investment Person to get out of hot water with the old folks.

Day 12: Nov. 16

Learn how to play football (?). I’m very thankful that my family does not maintain this tradition, but if yours does, it’s probably time to tighten up that spiral. Who knows, maybe you’ll get concussed and won’t have to take any more exams!

Bradley Cooper in “A Star is Born,” 2018 (colorized).

Day 13: Nov. 17

Thank your roommate(s). Whether you’re best friends or mere living partners, be grateful to this person for putting up with you. This way, your inability to wash dishes and sexiling habits won’t weigh heavy on your conscience over the break.

Day 14: Nov. 18

Friendsgiving! Get together with all of your friends for one last hurrah before going your separate ways. A group dinner feat. Leo’s turkey and mashed potatoes never looked so cute.

Day 15: Nov. 19

Watch the twurkey dance. This is a good distraction that will get you hype for the holiday.

Day 16: Nov. 20

What? Sorry. I’m already gone. If possible, remove yourself mentally and/or physically from the Georgetown environment. This could be done in the form of a really long nap, ripping up a blue book — you name it.

Hoya Saxa! I’m grateful for you <3

Sources: festival-collection.com, giphy.com, youtube.com, people.com

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Love Letter to the Witch Who Lives Under the Road Between Regents and Reiss

Dear Witch Who Lives Under The Road Between Regents and Reiss,

What’s cooking? No, literally, what you are cooking down there? There’s always this unhealthy amount of steam coming from the manhole, and I get that you have to feed your family, but I just wanted to check in. I tried understanding the construction email updates, but that requires knowing what things on campus are called. Anyway, I’m 90 percent sure they are going to close down that street sometime soon.

You sort of smell like a rusty harmonica mixed with whatever Florida smells like. Maybe add a little paprika? Oregano? The economy is doing pretty well right now; maybe you can move away from my early morning commute to bio. I don’t want to judge your family recipe, but I will call Child Protective Services if you’re secretly poisoning your children.

Or maybe you’re just a Vape God and enjoy hitting the juul, but instead of cool cucumber, it’s just the creme brulee pod. At least it smells just as bad. If that’s the case, though, I’m still concerned about you, because it looks like you’re addicted. You gotta take care of your pulmonary health, and being Thomas the Dank Engine all day is not a good look. And, heaven forbid you’re smoking that devil’s lettuce (not in my Christian neighborhood!!)??

Whatever you’re toking definitely borders on illegal.

Considering that you live between the sad, lonely uncle STEM building and the cool millennial mom STEM building, perhaps you’re just doing some strange science experiments. If that’s the case, there’s probably enough space for the entire biochemistry department down there. Usually when there’s a constant stream of gross-smelling, billowing gas coming out of a lab, that’s when you get help from your TA. Maybe try using the fume hood?

Update: I think they’re onto you: They’ve cornered you off like some biohazard, which I guess in retrospect, you could be. Whatever you do, just stay safe, witch.

Hoya Spooks-ya!

Sources: toptenz.net, 

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Things to Do Once You Crash on Homecoming

I don’t know about you guys, but this whole “school” thing is already getting me down.

You can find me at any one of these locations.

If you’re feeling the burnout like me, count yourself lucky — we have something to look forward to!

HOMECOMING

Anyone who’s spent the last few weeks getting a little too familiar with Lau’s “basement prison” interior design aesthetic, I’m with you. School sucks.

But you know what doesn’t suck? NOT spending time in Lau. Preferably, at the “football game” known as Homecoming.

When you see your friend at a party and go in for a hug but you both just fall down.

“HoCo,” as they call it at schools with football stadiums rather than bleachers, is like Christmas — it only comes once a year. So, if you find yourself being a little too ~heavy-handed~ on Saturday, don’t fear. We’ve got you.

*Plz* keep reading for a list of 4E’s top recommendations for what to do once you inevitably crash on Homecoming.

NOTE: These guidelines are ONLY for the 21+ Hoyas out there! Make good choices, kids!

Food

When hunger strikes after a long day of partying, the consequences can be disastrous. Smart Hoyas know that in order to avoid situations like these, one must come prepared. Please whip out your phones and input the following information into your speed dial:

Domino’s: (202) 342-0100

Mai Thai: (202) 337-2424

Wingo’s (RIP, but they still deliver from their new location): (202) 338-2478

Fire up your UberEats. Make a trip to Safeway and stock up on snacks. By all means, do whatever you need to do to keep your friends from being torn apart by their conflicting, relentless cravings.

God, Jan, no one else wants donuts. You’re the only one who wants donuts.

Pro Tip: A stroll to Chick-fil-a never (really) hurt nobody.

Film & Television

Homecoming is about indulgence. You could even call it Treat-Yo-Self Day. So, if you and your friends choose to settle down in front of a laptop screen after a long day of debauchery wholesome fun, try treating yourself to:

Troy

Also known as three hours of shirtless men (Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom … need I say more?) prancing around in togas, doing battle/sword stuff. The highest of entertainment.

Bend it Like Beckham

Do you ever just crave a feel-good movie with inspiring messages about female empowerment, family traditions and love? This movie is soooooo underrated.

Harry Potter

Homecoming in a nutshell.

Nothing gets me in my feels like a good old HP marathon. Throw on your jammies, sip some butterbeer (hot cocoa works too) and prepare to be transported back to a magical land of childhood innocence that is far, far away from the ~activities~ you were engaging in just hours beforehand.

Zoey 101 (or any Nickelodeon/Disney Channel throwbacks)

Me if anyone so much as mentions the words “Tito’s and lemonade”…

These are crowd-pleasers. Need I say more?

Miscellaneous Nonsense

If all else fails, there are only two things you can do:

Hit the books.

I wish I had recommendations for you, but I can’t remember the last time I read a non-YA book that I actually liked. Don’t underestimate the fun that can be had reading a book out loud to your friends, preferably upside-down/backwards while under the influence of really great writing.

Just lie down.

Floors are your friends. Show them some love this Saturday, whether you’re truly tired or want to protest against your friends for entering yet another sweaty Henle. This is the simplest, most cost-effective recommendation we at 4E could think of — 11/10 would recommend.

Thank you for sticking with me through this list of highly curated content. Have fun and be safe! ☺︎ hOyA sAxA ☺︎

Sources: giphy.com, youtube.com

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St. Paddy’s Day Party Ideas

St. Patrick’s Day is this weekend, which means it’s one of those rare times when Georgetown students finally have some fun. There’s nothing better than putting on that one green shirt  you never wear and eating and drinking as much as you possibly can. But for those people who are tired of the traditional St. Paddy’s Day celebration, here are some ideas to spice up your party this weekend.

St. Natty’s Day

What combines St. Paddy’s Day and college more than having a party where you only drink Natty Lights? Who cares that it’s not an Irish beer? We’re in the United States anyway.

St. Fratty’s Day

Just pretend Georgetown has a large Greek life presence on campus and throw a frat party complete with beer pong, bros and backwards hats. So frat!

St. Daddy’s Day

This party can go two ways. You can throw down with everyone’s biological father or celebrate with your real ~daddy~ ;).

St. Caddy’s Day

Time to bring out the Vineyard Vines and polo shirts, and turn your Henle into Georgetown’s most lit and most exclusive country club.

St. Ratty’s Day

This one is for all the important rats in our lives. We can officially party in celebration of the Wisey’s Rat™. Chicken Madnesses for everyone!

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, Hoyas!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, qrznow.com

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An Ode to Finals Season

As the long-awaited Dec. 20 draws near, we here at 4E have prepared an ode to undoubtedly the merriest time of the year: FINALS SZN. Whether you’re reading this post in the sanctity of your own dearly missed home, at your ~unique~ vacation spot in Mexico or on the Hilltop waiting for your unfortunately-scheduled math final, we can relate to what you’re feeling:

So, without further ado, let’s all take a moment to reflect on Georgetown’s beloved stress culture, appreciate the ~high-quality~ Whisk coffee that has fueled us thus far and give ourselves a pat on the back for succeeding  doing relatively well surviving this semester!

After endless midterms, weeks of studying all night,

there’s a brief respite, then finals are in sight.

It seems like it’s always time to buckle down

but that’s just part of being at Georgetown

The struggle is real as you prep for Bib Lit —

but what can you expect from the Jesuits?

You’ve got 99 problems, the first is Of God,

and in time you’re exposed as a Catholic fraud.

In your first exam, those wretched blue books appear

and before too long, they’re stained with your tears.

You fight through hand cramps for two hours straight,

and from nine to eleven, your heart palpitates.

Lau 2 is love, Lau 2 is life —

just kidding, that place is a hellhole of strife.

You wonder, will these troubles ever be over?

It’s been awhile since you’ve been this sober.

You’ve studied forever, it seems like a time warp,

and while waiting at MUG, you curse the capitalist Corp.

Later that day, you procrastinate more:

It was feeling too lonely up on Lau 4.

You’re buried in books on a Saturday night —

to friends at state schools, it’s a pitiful sight.

It’s only midnight, but the future looks bleak.

You remind yourself, though, that sleep’s for the weak.

But when you finally get into the swing of things,

to no one’s surprise, Lau’s fire alarm rings.

So you make your way over to good ol’ Leavey —

should four flights of stairs really make you this wheezy?

Texts from your friends say they’re already on break,

but at least they’ll be free to attend your wake.

You’re struggling to find the will to survive,

indeed, you fall short of the expectation to thrive.

“How to learn French in a day,” you search online.

You’d forgotten “Bonjour”— probably not a good sign

After handing in your final subpar paper,

it looks like life’s finally turned in your favor.

Though GPA-wise, there may be reason to fear,

that’ll be a problem you save for next year.

The holidays will provide plenty of reason

for you to repress this finals season.

Walking past Healy, you take a pic and proceed,

“until next semester!” your Snapchat story reads.

Suitcase in hand, you feel an upswing in mood

at the thought of three weeks without Leo’s food.

You search for your Uber outside the front gates —

What’s taking so long? New Jersey awaits!

~Happy Hoyadays~ from all of us at 4E!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, tumblr.com

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Six Types of Relatives You’ll Meet at Thanksgiving: Hoya Edition

As the holiday season draws near, Hoyas are gladly anticipating a break from their usual Leo’s meals—but at what cost? Here’s 4E’s rundown of the six types of relatives that we all just ~can’t wait~ to reunite with over this Thanksgiving dinner…

1. The Interrogative Relationship Guru

“Do you have a boyfriend? That’s too bad! What about the cute boy in your Instagram post?”

First of all, Grandma, he’s gay. Undeterred, she offers up her very best date ideas from “back in the day” as you stifle your laughter at the thought of any MSBro at a drive-in theater. You wonder if the sort of “fine young men” she continually references even exist on the Hilltop.

2. The Millennial Wannabe

Lucky for you, this aunt’s midlife crisis seems to have perfectly aligned with your annual encounter. Having seen your Snapchat story from last Friday, she proposes a “girls’ night out” at Chi Di next weekend. You promptly delete your social media and apply to study abroad.

3. The Deadbeat

Maybe your college life isn’t as wholesome as your grandparents may think, but unlike this cousin, at least you’ll definitely most likely end up with a diploma. You decide that introducing him to your SFS friends might set his life back on track but quickly think better of it. Having him around will make you feel better about yourself when next semester’s club rejection season rolls around.

4. The Diehard Trump Supporter

Tattooed with the U.S. flag and shamelessly sporting a MAGA hat, this uncle finds a way to blame everything on the immigrants—even this year’s burnt turkey. You politely bear the brunt of his incessant rant until he spots the GU College Dems and H*yas For Choice stickers on your laptop, after which he avoids all interaction with you for the rest of the night. Success.

5. The Shy Guy

Exchanging forced pleasantries with this relative is even more uncomfortable than leading a tour group on Georgetown Day. As awkward as the conversation is, though, it’s just like the ICC: you can’t find a way out.

6. The Annual Alcoholic

This relative looks as tipsy as the Wisey’s rat before the turkey’s even carved. She must have mistaken Thanksgiving dinner for a late-night Epi gathering, but at least by tomorrow she’ll forget the night ever happened, and you can equally pretend that it never did.

We at 4E bestow our deepest sympathy and respect upon any Hoya that successful endures a conversation with three or more of these ~special~ relatives. On a serious note, we hope you all enjoy your well-deserved break from school and express thanks for all the family members who’ve supported you from afar (even those who fall under one of these categories)!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com

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Why 20 Is Not an Irrelevant Age

We here at 4E have set out to explain Why 20 Is Not Irrelevant: You may not get a Tombs Night, but the big 2-0 has some perks.

  1. Congrats! You’ve beaten teen pregnancy!  Take pride in accomplishing something Kylie Jenner could not.

  2. You’ve likely spent fifteen years of your life in school and still don’t understand taxes. But, hey, at least you know that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell!
  3. It is legal to drink in Iceland and Japan. Is there a Tombs in Tokyo?


  4. You’re closer to turning 40 than you are to birth!
  5. Teenage emo phases are over — it ISN’T a phase mom, this IS the real me.


  6. You can officially feel out of touch with ~the youth~ and not feel like a bad millennial. I never understood fidget spinners anyway, to be honest.


  7. Society expects you to get married, have kids and successfully establish a career during this decade! (I’m fine, he’s fine, we’re ALL FINE!)

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, eaglesgymnastics.com