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The Most Underrated Things of Our Generation

Sometimes people, places, things, my sense of humor, etc.  just don’t get the love and attention they deserve. Excluding myself, here’s a list of what I think are the most underrated things of our generation.

Fergie

What ever happened to Fergie? She didn’t go anywhere, but apparently we did. She has bangers for every occasion. Feeling emotional? “Big Girls Don’t Cry (Personal).” Feeling lit? “A Little Party Never Killed Nobody.” Feeling yourself? “Fergalicious.” Here’s to more Fergie in our lives.

Same

The Jersey Shore

The Jersey Shore is one of the cornerstones of our generation. We have so much to thank it for. GTL (that is, gym tan laundry), fist bumping, Snooki, etc. are some of the figures of our generation that this show produced. As a New Jersey native, I am offended that my state gets a bad rep from this iconic tv show when it should, in fact, get the opposite.

Greyson Chance

Remember that boy in 2010 who ~broke the internet~ and captured every tween girl’s heart when he released his rendition of Lady GaGa’s “Paparazzi”? Well, you should because it was incredible. Greyson is all grown up, but he has not left us. He has some solid music out now (perhaps not as great as his debut though) and you should all give it a listen.

Still no response

Applebee’s

You may think Applebee’s is a just some chain restaurant you drive by on the highway, but it is so much more than that. The deals here are crazy. For readers over 21, of course, Applebee’s offers a $1 specialty drink every month. Drinks have ranged from Margaritas to Long Island Iced Teas to Bahama Mamas, the current special. I think it’s time for everyone to hit their local Applebee’s.

I feel God in this *Applebee’s tonight

Lau 1

Most people don’t even know Lau 1 exists, but for those who do, you know what I am talking about. The cubicles are larger, the air is warmer and the community is stronger. The Lau 1 Regulars Club might actually be the most exclusive organization at Georgetown. AND I BELONG TO IT.  Once you go Lau 1, you never go back.

Don’t steal my cubicle

Readers, be the change I want to see in the world and start giving these things the love and attention they deserve. You won’t be sorry.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, youtube.com

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4E’s Spring 2018 Blog Babies

Just as Kylie Jenner kept baby Stormi a secret until she was born and ready to be famous, we here at 4E are proud to announce that, earlier this month, we welcomed six new bloggers into our family. Be on the lookout for some stellar content from them in the future!

Top 3 Signs That You’re Officially A Broke College Student

1. Your card gets declined on a pack of gum at Vittles. I’ve had to pay in dimes and nickels before.

2. You can’t donate that extra $1 at CVS checkout. It’s hard to donate to the poor when you ARE the poor.

3. Signing up to be a student guard. $12.50 for sitting at a desk seems like the ultimate solution for broke students.

Top 5 Social W’s at Georgetown

1. A university-recognized frat party

2. A Henle that is below 97 degrees

3. A Vil B where no one gets kicked out

Top 5 Awkward Interactions I’ve Had This School Year

1. I’m in an interview in front of three intimidating upperclassmen. I wrote in my application that my dream job would be a stand-up comedian, so they ask me to tell a joke. I’m nervous, and so I say the first thing that comes into my mind: a Jewish joke. The problem — I didn’t tell them that I’m Jewish. They laugh awkwardly at this joke. Unsurprisingly, I was rejected.

2. I get into the New South elevator and see a kid from my Spanish class. We have never talked before today. The elevator is crowded, and  we end up standing right next to each other, shoulder to shoulder. We say “hey,” and then it’s just silent. The elevator is going up so slowly,  and it becomes so silent and awkward that I start to laugh uncontrollably.

3. *Waiter gives me my food*

Waiter: “Enjoy!”

Me: “You too!”

Top 3 Disney Channel Original Movies since 2000

1. Cheetah Girls

2.  High School Musical

3. Jump In! 

Top 3 Georgetown Rats

1. The Wisey’s Rat: The OG. The rat who started it all. To quote an old adage, “You see a rat, I see a man working hard to support his family.” Long live.

2. The Leo’s rat: It’s truly disturbing that a rat lived amongst my 5Spice sesame chicken and Sazon guacamole. Still, the temptation is understandable. I really can’t blame this one on the rat so much as on whatever evil force made Leo’s.

3. The rat I accidentally kicked on Healy Lawn: I’d feel bad for kicking you so hard, but scurrying over my foot was never going to be the best first impression. I watched in horror as you soared through the air from the sheer force of my kick, unaware that although you were my first Georgetown rat, you wouldn’t be my last.

Top 3 Tried and True Ways to Procrastinate

1. BuzzFeed comes to mind for most people when they hear the word procrastination. It truly has something for everyone.

2. The Facebook Deep Dive is a personal favorite of mine: Just start scrolling through your Facebook timeline and see where it takes you. Maybe you start with a few cooking videos and after forty minutes find yourself casually stalking the profile of a girl you went to middle school with — obviously not in a creepy way, just to see how she’s doing.

3. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a classic form of procrastination: the nap. It solves everything. Paper due in a few hours? Nap. Feel generally stressed? Nap. Avoiding any and all responsibilities? Nap.

Photos/Gifs: facebook.com, blog.thehoya.com

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Georgetown Crushes – Valentine’s Day and Everyday

After a brief break, Valentine’s Day is back on my list of favorite holidays.

My grade school self loved Valentine’s Day — a lovely day of receiving candy from each of my third grade classmates. My friends and I prepared for this important holiday by meticulously constructing “Valentine Mailboxes” and carefully addressing pieces of candy to all of our classmates, with hearts drawn on the ones reserved for our best friends and the boys we like liked.

In high school, Valentine’s Day got more complicated — with raging hormones, a relative lack of driver’s licenses and a slew of ambiguously-defined relationships, Valentine’s Day was full of awkwardness, parent drivers and unrequited love.

Valentine’s Day has grown on me as I have (almost) gotten over no longer receiving candy from each of my classmates. I have become more confident in unashamedly buying myself chocolate and have recognized the holiday as a time to remind all of my loved ones how much I care about them.

In celebration of this holiday about love, I have categorized the types of crushes the average Georgetown student is prone to having.

1. Nerdy classmate crush 

The adorably sweet nerd who raises their hand a lot in discussion section and always has beautifully succinct and articulate points to make. Thank you for your nerdiness and for sharing your long, detailed study guides with the entire class in an A+ display of cura personalis.

2. Coffee

With a student body eager to juggle a full class schedule, on- and off-campus jobs and internships, research positions, club leadership and a slew of meetings on the G-cal, coffee is held in high esteem on the Hilltop.

Large quantities of caffeine are readily available from the adorable blue-awning of Saxbys just two blocks from campus or — if you must — from various outposts of the largest student-run nonprofit corporation in the world1, which is more than willing to take all of your flex dollars.

3. Epi Quesadilla

How many people/foodstuffs in your life are faithfully there for you regardless of your level of sobriety AND readily provide you with sides of guacamole, salsa and sour cream??

4E would like to assert that the Epi quesadilla is NOT just a 2 a.m. post-Brown House booty call snack. This wholesome and respectable delicacy is deserving of your love at all hours of the day.

4. Sweet Professor

Here we have the unbelievably kind professor who has been teaching at Georgetown longer than you have been alive and is still so clearly in love with the material they get to teach you. True, their love of nineteenth-century British poetry will always come before you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate their extensive scarf collection and the way they’ve coordinated the perfect scarf for every outfit from afar.

4E wants you to act on your crushes, Georgetown! Show all of the “crushes” in your life — romantic, platonic, nerdy, caffeine-containing or otherwise — how much you appreciate them.

______________

  1. Taken from the segment of the Blue and Gray tour seen in the HSFC. Who doesn’t love a good study session punctuated by a recitation of the wonders of ~The Corp~?

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, georgetown.edu

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Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Movies

It’s officially February, and you know what that means: studying for midterms, distracting fellow Hoyas with your nonstop coughing in class and, of course, planning for Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to finally make your move and we here at 4E have come up with some surefire ways to make your date night a total success. Check out our definitive list of ~The Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Movies of All Time~ to impress your future Hoya spouse:

Titanic

Yes, Leonardo DiCaprio has sadly gone from “certified heartthrob” to “creepy guy who asks you how old you are at the homecoming tailgate,” but it’s easy to ignore that precipitous decline when you see him on screen in this late-90s classic. Celine Dion? Drawing people like French girls? Drowning? Could it be any more romantic? (Yes, that was a Chandler reference — be sure to do that exact impression at some point during your date to keep up the whole 90s theme.)

When you stand on the edge of the LXR Rooftop

Call Me By Your Name

Armie Hammer? Timothée Chalamet? Say no more.

When “Mr. Brightside” comes on

When Harry Met Sally

This one scores big on the Romance Scale for the simple fact that Harry is played by the same guy who voices Mike Wazowski. That’s really going to set the mood you’re looking for. You’re welcome.

You vs. the guy she tells you not to worry about

Gone With the Wind

This movie is a great way to let your potential bae know that you’re “majoring in English and minoring in Film”. Alternatively, if you’re still trying to keep up the whole “I’m going to land a Goldman internship” charade, we suggest you watch something else.

Ya idk I’ve never actually seen this movie

St. Elmo’s Fire

A Georgetown Classic. Rob Lowe’s character is 100 percent the kind of Hoya who gets way too into Jersey Night and exclusively communicates using the phrases “u up?”, “wyd” and “come to New South”. Demi Moore is also there, along with 3/5 of The Breakfast Club cast. Fun. Diverse. Romantic!

Smile if you got into GUASFCU!

She’s the Man

The greatest movie of all time? We think so. If your date doesn’t understand “how they don’t just realize that Amanda Bynes is clearly a girl”, she’s too young for you, bro.

Also, if anyone has any idea where Amanda Bynes is these days, please contact the staff here at 4E ASAP. We are very concerned and miss her terribly.

The Meryl Streep of our generation

Bee Movie

Fun fact: When he was 39, Jerry Seinfeld dated a 17-year-old who attended GWU. Seriously, google it. What a classic #DC romance! This is the perfect movie if your date is a much older sitcom star.

???? I don’t understand the appeal

Stuart Little*

*[Insert Wisey’s Rat joke here]

**Yes I know Stuart is technically a “mouse” and not a “rat”, but let’s be honest, you’d still call facilities if you saw that thing anywhere near your apartment.

So they…adopt the mouse? Like instead of adopting an actual child who needs a family??

Spy Kids 2

Spy Kids 2? I know what you’re thinking. Yes, it must be Spy Kids 2, not Spy Kids 1. This one has Steve Buscemi AND Emily Osment. And if you’re date has the audacity to suggest you watch Spy Kids 3? Get out of there before it’s too late. Also, the girl who plays Carmen is now married to Carlos from Big Time Rush and the guy who plays Juni is engaged to Meghan Trainor. Be sure to mention this to your date so they know you keep up with all the latest political news.

Nothing but respect for MY Presidents

So there you have it, kids. You can’t go wrong with a single one of these movies this Valentine’s Day. Good luck, Hoyas!

Photos/Gifts: giphy.com, vanityfair.com, ew.com, amazon.com, misucell.com

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STOP IT: Texting and Walking

The influential and notable entity of The Fourth Edition hereby declares a petition to end the epidemic of texting and walking (otherwise referred to as “twalking”) currently plaguing our beloved campus, indefinitely, commencing February 5th. There are myriad reasons you should consider joining our movement against “twalking”:

Disclaimer: This was not us.

1. Basic human decency.

This should go without saying, but, if you need an authority figure to remind you why you shouldn’t text and walk, here you go:

2. Your safety.

Distracted mobility is dangerous. In 2016, the number of pedestrians killed by motorists because they were distracted jumped by 16 percent!

3. The environment.

The world is beautiful and, at the rate we are going, it may not be this way for long. It is crucial that you look at the grass and leaves while you can.

4. Public health.

Just going to leave this here for you…

Now, what to do if you catch a “twalker” in the act: 

1. Walk directly in their line of movement. 

They will either crash into you or correct their path while maybe becoming aware of their wrongdoing.

2. Yell!

Did you know there is no law on the books against yelling? You can just do it whenever, wherever.

Alas, maybe you look at your phone as a coping mechanism for your social anxiety. Maybe you just like to irritate every other person walking in front of, beside or behind you. Don’t worry. You still have options.

1. Disguise 

If burying yourself in your phone makes you feel more comfortable as you move about the world, perhaps try a disguise. Sunglasses, big hats and scarves are all good options for avoiding people you know and staying hidden to people you don’t.

2. Disguise 2.0

Maybe you’re the opposite. You twalk because you like to be obnoxious.  You could try this. People might actually enjoy it more than your distracted stumbles.

Or, if you’re looking for something a little more subtle, maybe try a mask.


Please join our movement and spread the word. Together we will create a safer world.

– Your friends at 4E. 

Photos/Gifts: giphy.com, facebook.com, youtube.com, npr.com

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Campus Confusions Part II: Post-Abroad Oddities

You’ve all probably heard the expression “abroad changed me” and thought, “dear God, that person sounds so obnoxious.”

Still, some of us have actually changed. Some of my friends from Madrid are now ~euro~ and dress in clothes you only see when you crash an Expat Society party. In my post-abroad experience, late-night eating is a thing of the past for me…or at least it was until my second night back on campus. Let’s just say I’m back to being a regular at Domino’s.

As my parents were quick to point out, the world did not wait for us while we were abroad. We all have come back to Georgetown — that is, we all came back happy and then were promptly slapped across the face when we had 100+ pages of reading due for the first Monday. Now let’s just say these past few weeks have been a severe reality check.

However, as I sit here stressing about my Spanish paper, readings on Sharia law and Portuguese homework (see what I mean?), I can’t help but also be shocked by how much Georgetown has changed since my last visit in July. Here are just a few ways in which Georgetown has blown my mind in the last three weeks.

1. New Students. This one has to be the most noticeable change for anyone returning from abroad. Who are you and why did you take my favorite Lau 4 cubicle? What makes you think it’s okay to sit next to me in the ICC and make a huge mess of your Corp sandwich? Clearly a semester has put me out of touch with other Hoyas.

2. Apartment Lifestyle. As a friend once put it, I now have a place to cook, eat, sleep, hang out with friends, party, etc. I also technically never have to leave unless I want to go to class, work, be an actual human being, etc. The upgrade from Kennedy to Vil B is much better than many people think, which leads me to my next thought…

3. Village B is slightly nicer. I was quite pleasantly surprised to find a full-size refrigerator in my Vil B when I moved in a few weeks ago. I was not surprised, however, when I was greeted by the unbearable stench of my tower when I moved in. I guess some things will never change.

4. CHICK-FIL-A. One of the weirdest, but certainly not unwelcome, changes on campus. And if the thought of having a renowned eatery on campus isn’t absurd enough, how crazy is it that I haven’t gone yet?

5. Patrick Ewing has returned. Old news, I know, but having a new basketball coach on campus is big if you’re a true basketball fan. Although I’m ashamed to admit I left the game against St. John’s before the epic ending, it’s safe to say we’re in a better place than where we were last year (no disrespect to the former coach).

6. UG is now ~bougie~. Located at the top of the new bookstore, it seems to me that UG has lost its hipster-feel and has now traded for a more mainstream Barnes-&-Noble-feel. Just my personal opinion.

7. Leo’s has a VW bus inside. Considering new Leo’s opened months ago and I do not have a meal plan, this one probably is not that important of news. Just a fun fact, though. I’m glad to see the mice haven’t left.

8. The Drama. Though we all tried to stay updated on what was happening on campus, we were bound to miss some of the biggest drama since Josh Peck didn’t invite Drake Bell to his wedding. Whether two of your friends are dating, three of your friends only talk to each other now or your one friend confessed his/her lifelong love for — the sky is the limit. All you want to know is EVERYTHING.

Can’t you tell I studied abroad?

9. Even printing has changed. I’m really not sure why this change was necessary and I know for a fact other formerly-abroad students are struggling to print documents because an obscure reinstallment is required. While I’m all for advancing technology, we could at least have had a warning before being sorely and publicly disappointed at the Lau 2 printer.

10. New semester, new taste. Of course, I mean the new Burnett’s flavors floating around campus. While all returnees are used to the cheapest alcohols abroad has to offer, that first taste of Burnett’s — assuming you’re 21, of course — is bound to slap you across the face harder than that first homework assignment.

“I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.” — Burnett’s

Welcome back, Hoyas! While we may miss abroad every day, it’s safe to say we missed our friends, Piano Bar and the Hilltop even more last semester.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, washington.org

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Overheard At Epi

After having a ~fun~ night filled with about seven too many shots of lime Burnett’s, we all somehow inevitably end up at Epi. At this point, it’s a Georgetown tradition to drunkenly eat way more chicken quesadillas than our stomachs can possibly hold. Of course, though, while enjoying the food and ambiance of Epicurean, we are also bound to eavesdrop overhear some rather interesting conversations:

The Drunken Breakups

I’ve witnessed an abnormal amount of drunken breakups occur at Epi in my first year. The first one takes the prize for being the most entertaining to watch…

(I know, I know. I’m a horrible person sometimes, but aren’t we all?)

I remember sitting down in an Epi booth  my first weekend at Georgetown and hearing, “BUT I STILL LOVE YOU.”  Five seconds into the conversation, I was seriously invested. I did what anyone would do: I casually looked over. Picture it: A blatantly sober girl near tears and a blatantly drunk boy staring at his phone.

The awkward tension — filled with silent pauses, quiet sniffles and violently fast texting noises — was finally brought to an end when the girl slammed her hands down on the table and screamed, “JUST LOOK AT ME AND TALK TO ME.”

By this point, the horrible part of me was quite invested as I tried to sneakily watch this intense showdown while scarfing down my quesadilla. It was as though a staged and poorly-acted reality TV show was unfolding before me — truly the best late night entertainment.

But that’s not all. Perhaps the best — or worst, depending on how good of a human being you are — part was when the guy suddenly looked up at his supposed girlfriend, held his phone out and asked: “Hey, isn’t this girl hot?”

He paused to glance around as if he knew he had gathered an audience by this point and said, “We should probably end things now.”

All I can say is RIP to that relationship.

 Fork Theft 

Unless you brought your own silverware to college and never have to worry about being out of forks, knives and spoons, you’ve probably suffered while trying to eat a midnight snack.

Often, I find myself laying in bed, watching “That 70’s Show,” too lazy to make my way over to Leo’s. So, naturally, I make myself some Easy Mac, only to realize I am forkless.

More often than I’d like to admit, I wander into Epi in the late hours of the night, making my way over to the silverware section while waiting for food. Naturally, I ask myself what any sane and reasonable person would ask at 1 a.m.: “How many forks should I steal?”

I’m not alone. Just last week, I heard another girl ask her friend that question. The girl then proceeded to grab a fistful of forks and carelessly stuff them in the pockets of her jeans. Stay classy, Georgetown.

“Hey, can I have a bite of that?” 

I’d like to think all of us are giving, caring people who would help out a friend in need. Unfortunately, my giving, caring soul suddenly turns into an evil teenage girl when my food is at stake.

Imagine this: A girl sits down in a drunken stupor, happily gazing at a perfect grilled cheese. She picks it up, about to take the most satisfying bite when her friend taps her shoulder, his face moving close to her food while saying, “Hey, can I have a bite of that?”

Then without waiting for a proper response, he takes a gigantic bite out of her sandwich. That was probably the first time my heart actually broke. I’ve never felt so bad for another person.

Final Thoughts

I think we can come to the general consensus that the most profound, enlightening and insightful of conversations occur at Epi in the wee hours of the morning. And remember, if you want to steal all the plastic forks and spoons, bring a bag.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, thehoya.com

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Rude Awakenings: Post-Break Pros and Cons

Welcome back to campus! Now that we’re in the semester after a restful break and unrestful syllabus week, here are the pros and cons of really being back.

PRO: Leo’s tastes better than you remembered.

CON: LINES and RATS.

PRO: You’re fully-rested, having had 12 hours of sleep per day, binge-watched 12 shows, eaten solid meals and  spent not too much money.

CON: That’s all gone after the first “Jersey Night” of syllabus week.

CON: The entire LXR bathroom mirror is torn off the wall.

PRO: The Instagram account @georgetownhotmess is back and better than ever.

PRO: You have another opportunity to get more involved in the Georgetown community.

CON: You then get rejected from every club.

PRO: You THEN have more free time for you (2018 is the year of self-care)!

CON: Your first time back in Lau gives you finals PTSD.

PRO: Lau 2 is quiet and there’s plenty of seating.

PRO: You got closure with a high school flame and you’re ready to move on to better things in 2018.

CON: You’ve already deleted and reinstalled Tinder five times, kissed every ex, ghosted someone twice and reverted back to your freshman year self.

CON: You miss your family’s home cooked meals.

PRO: Booey’s pitchers, Wisey’s cookies, and Falafel Inc. don’t make you use table manners.

CON:  The Corp’s coffee tastes nasty and makes your head spin.

PRO: Now you have flex dollars to spend it on!

PRO: You don’t have to worry about driving home after a late night out.

CON: RIP your Uber rating.

CON: You miss vacation, when you could travel to a new place and discover new cultures.

PRO: An Uber to Adams Morgan is a cultural excursion.

PRO: It’s great to be back in Washington, D.C. and you can’t wait to explore the city and museums!

CON: Second week back and the government shuts down. SMH.

 

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, georgetown.edu

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The 5 Stages of Winter Break

1. Relief

You’re Finally Done. Thank God. You made it through an entire semester of Bib Lit without ever actually opening a bible. You recognized more than a generous 50%  of the words on your Spanish exam. Was your final CPS essay good? Not really, but you met the word count, submitted it on time, and most importantly, you’ll never have to talk to your unreliable graduate-student TA ever again! So say goodbye to that Lau cubicle, shove some random clothes and your Juul charger into a duffel bag, and call an Uber to Union Station: it’s officially ~break~.

You, waving goodbye to the poor souls who still have to take a Sociology final

2.  Relaxation

Showering without flip-flops in a bathroom without black mold? Eating a meal that doesn’t involve ramen noodles or flamin’ hot cheetos? Stepping outside and not being greeted by at least a dozen large rats? They should call you King Felipe VI of Spain (G ’95), ‘cause this Hoya is living like royalty. You never knew you would miss suburbia this much. No imminent deadlines, stolen  borrowed quizlets, or panic attacks induced by SaxaNet. You have all the time in the world to lounge around the house, send snapchats of your dog, and debate whether or not it’s still ok to binge watch House of Cards (Editor’s note: It’s not. Stick to Friends. David Schwimmer is our last hope).

Not proofreading that final BlackBoard submission like

3. Remembrance

You meet up with your high school squad at the local Applebee’s and reminisce about Gonzaga   Delbarton your totally unique alma mater. At the wise old age of 20, you fondly look back at the shenanigans of your youth. Remember when you prank called your Calculus teacher? Remember when you stole a beer from your dad’s fridge in the basement? Remember when you said you had “senioritis” but actually continued to try very hard in school because you wanted to go to Georgetown? Haha! Good Times! You weren’t lame at all!

The AP Bio reunion is finna be ~lit~

4. Regret

Ok, it’s been a week and you’ve realized why you were so eager to leave home in the first place. There are no Ubers or places that stay open past 10 pm here. Your parents have an incessant need know where you’re going, who you’re going with, and “is there going to be alcohol there?”. And when you do go out, you have to constantly remind people that you go to Georgetown, not GW and then pretentiously explain why THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT SCHOOLS. You miss procrastinating on Lau 2 with your friends. You miss saying hi to The Wisey’s Rat. You even find yourself missing New Leo’s (not really, but we’ll pretend for the sake of this article). It’s officially time to go back to the Hilltop.

“You go to GW, right?”

5. Return

You tear up as you see Healy from across the Key Bridge. It’s been too long since last you met. You bask in the glow of a new semester, telling yourself that this is the year you finally get it together. No more going out on Tuesday nights or skipping every class that meets before 2 pm. No more eating Wisey’s cookies for dinner or convincing yourself that walking up Lau steps counts as a workout. Yes, you’ll abandon this attitude completely within the next two weeks, but it’s nice to enjoy the “new and improved 2018 you!” while it lasts. You’re reunited with your squad, you’re wearing the one cool piece of clothing you got for Christmas, and you’re ready for Syllabus Week. Hoya Saxa, it’s good to be home.

You, at Chi Di, two hours after you claimed you were going to start counting your drinks this year, ca 2018, colorized.

Photos/GIFS: Giphy.com, almanac.com

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Georgetown Basketball: Season Predictions For The Non-Sports Inclined

Amid finals season, the promise of this year’s basketball team under newly appointed head coach Patrick Ewing may be something to look forward to. Or perhaps not…

You, colorized, ca. 2017.

As someone whose GPA would suffer tremendously if athletics were part of the core requirement, you don’t really know what to make of the hype around this season. You were convinced to buy student season tickets by the incessant emails , but you’re not sure you made a wise investment. You once played basketball during eighth period P.E. in middle school, but your goal was primarily to jump and grab onto the net rather than to score. You honestly just want to get on the DanceCam. While it can be overwhelming for someone like you to understand at all what’s going on within 10 miles of the Verizon Center Capital One Arena, there is hope. You are ~not alone~. To help people like you, 4E presents our season predictions for the non-sports inclined:

  • Patrick Ewing will continue to look like a stock photograph for memes. While many are wondering what the former Hoya and NBA superstar will bring to the table as we head into conference play, one thing is certain: His meme potential is astronomical.

    Exhibit 1
  • The student section will continue to look like we’re constantly in the middle of finals season. From the mumps outbreak to the never-ending midterms season to the existential crisis to be an #academic, it appears Hoyas are staying at home in increasing numbers.

 

  • Jack the Bulldog will lose his job to robots. As technology continues to leave humans jobless, what’s to say that this trend won’t spread to man’s best friend? Certainly, a robo-dog would be even better at riding a skateboard than an obese bulldog that pants at the thought of moving.
  • Rocket Bar will continue to be the main highlight for going to a basketball game. Honestly, when is this place not the main draw?
  • Hoya Blue will continue to make us look bad on national television. It seems as though the same six people sit in the front row at every game, looking confused and hopeless and realizing they made a grave mistake by buying another year of season tickets. Hopefully, the major television networks that make the mistake of broadcasting our games will pan to the empty parts of the stands, which present a better ~aesthetic~.
  • Capital One Arena’s chicken tenders will continue to outshine the new Leo’s. It’s unfortunate when $14.99 chicken fingers can outshine anything, but these babies do just that to our beloved only dining hall.

As the season gets into full swing, you’re now prepared to be ~on top of your game~! See you not at the game!

Photos/GIFS: giphy.com, yahoo.sports.com, seatgeek.com