The 5 People You Meet In The Laundry Room

5 People you meet in Laundry RoomAhh it’s laundry day (please note that I am not put together enough to have a designated laundry day but in theory, this is a thing). You have paraded through your dorm with your dirty laundry – wondering why you bought a laundry hamper made of see-through mesh – and have arrived to the laundry room, characterized by flooded floors, detergent stains and miscellaneous piles of forgotten socks and t-shirts. Laundry day is fraught with questions like: “What the heck does ‘perm press warm’ mean?” “Which washers here actually work?” and “Can I take this sweatshirt that has been on the floor for a week?”. At 4E, we believe the best part of this day of the week is observing all the kinds of people that attempt to wash their pile of clothes next to you. Here we present….

The Five People You Meet in the Laundry Room

  1. The person still trying to figure out what the word “dirty” means.

The laundry room hosts a collection of people with widely varying definitions of the word “dirty”. At one end of the spectrum, we have the guy/girl who only washes the visibly dirty clothes (read: mud stains). “Interesting” smells do not merit any concern for this person.

  2.   The impatient person who unloads people’s laundry from the dryers to put his/her own wet clothing in.

impatient

If you are this person, here are some pro tips from 4E:

  • Start folding the laundry of the person whose dryer you’ve hijacked until they come down to find you folding their pajamas.
  • Helpfully put the laundry on top of the dryer stacks where people of average height are unable to reach.
  • *A highly overrated option is just waiting for an open dryer, but why avoid some fun, awkward situations?

  3. The person who, judging from a questionable ensemble, appears to be washing every article of clothing that he/she brought to college.

beyonce laundry

Hmm – nothing against your rain coat, pink pajama pants and crocs combination. Part of me is a little jealous of how cozy you look and the other part sincerely hopes that you plan on changing into something else once that load of wash is dry.

  4.   The person who has never before done his/her own laundry.

lindsey laundry

There are many reasons to be looking around the laundry room in bewilderment, shock and horror (the aforementioned flooding, strewn clothing and “friendly critters” all capable of eliciting such a response). Another reason may be that you have never had to consider the intermediate step between your clothes being dirty and clean and are now being asked to determine whether your respective heap of cloth warrants a “delicates cold” or “normal hot” wash cycle and frankly you are unprepared to make these types of paramount decisions.

5.   The laundry pro.

Sheldon laundry

This aficionado separates lights from darks and colors with ease. They know what the right amount of laundry detergent is, they use fabric softener AND dryer sheets (what do dryer sheets even do?!). They can even easily decode the cryptic washer and dryer settings. They hold the secret to the world: which washers and dryers actually work. Don’t be (too) intimidated by this laundry master. Maybe you have talents that manifest themselves in places other than the 3rd floor VCE laundry room, and that is perfectly fine.

And there you have it, 4E’s 5 people you meet in the laundry room! Wash with care.

Photos/Gifs: https://bit.ly/2eyy5E5,giphy.com

4E Brings you a Close Read of ‘Closer’

Banner - CloserHey, I was doing just fine until…. the lyrics of Closer became permanently embedded in my ear drums. At any given point, the Chainsmokers’ chart-topping hit is playing somewhere on the Georgetown campus and can be avoided only by boycotting Snapchat stories (in which someone is inevitably videoing himself or herself singing along) and other cautionary actions short of putting in earplugs and hiding in your dorm room.

I would like to raise some concerns about the art form that is Closer by the Chainsmokers ft. Halsey:

  1. The song frequently ambiguously refers to a “rover.” Are we talking about a Range Rover? A Land Rover? A Mars Exploration Rover? Presumably the latter, but it’s unclear.
  1. The verse:            “So baby pull me closer in the backseat of your Rover

That I know you can’t afford

Bite that tattoo on your shoulder

Pull the sheets right off the corner

Of the mattress that you stole

From your roommate back in Boulder

We ain’t ever getting older”

…is first sung by Andrew Taggert and then repeated by Halsey, presenting a few problems. Do both protagonists own Rovers? This is economically improbable, especially taking into consideration that they both are frequenting hotel bars (Are they presumably cheap?), though both reference the other not being able to afford said Rover. I think the takeaway here is that both of our protagonists are financially irresponsible.

Do they both have tattoos on their shoulders? The listener should consider that they possibly got these tattoos together. Maybe this is what initiated “four years, no call,” because they look something like this:

  1. Why and how is there a mattress in the backseat of the Rover? The standard size of a twin XL mattress (popular in the esteemed college dormitory design community) is 39 x 80 inches. A Range Rover back seat (many thanks to the Vehicle Specification page of landroverusa.com) is 50.8 inches wide with 70.1 inches of floor space. In conclusion, a mattress would not fit in this space, unless the back seats were folded down, which would still result in minimal room for activities that result in pulling the sheets off the corner of this mattress.

Lastly, the music video must be addressed. What happened here?! The music video is horrible. There is no correspondence to the beat or the storyline of the song. We get two people who are clearly well acquainted (what happened to “four years, no call”?) frolicking on a beach (they are supposed to be in a city…). There are no hotel bars, no ROVERS, and no stolen mattresses. Taking all aforementioned inconsistencies into account, for all we know, these people are getting older.

Disclaimer: I am still obsessed with this song. It has taken up permanent residence at the top of my “Going Out (to study, of course)” playlist.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, youredm.com

Initiation By Fire: The Levels of Lau

The Levels of Lau

Maybe you find Lau endearing – its white cinderblock walls, mysterious plethora of locked doors, and lack of windows inspire productivity in you – or maybe you can only be lured in by study groups unwilling to relocate to more scenic locations. In my first four weeks on the Hilltop, I have learned – through trial and error (mostly error) – the distinct personalities that characterize the five floors of the sprawling, Brutalist concrete monstrosity that is Lauinger Library.

Level 5

If Level 4 is already a quiet floor, what purpose does Level 5 serve? What kind of desire for concentration merits walking up two flights of stairs to get to 5? I have dared to venture onto this floor solely for the investigative purposes of writing this (highly informative) article.

Some helpful tips:
Talking: punishable by death
Using a computer keyboard: warrants dirty looks
Owning devices that emit beeps: unacceptable
Breathing: begrudgingly allowed

2

Level 4

The true quiet floor. The arrangement of red chairs near the elevator attempts to create a cozy aesthetic, but don’t be fooled by this homey illusion. Two weeks into the semester, I learned that NSO was indeed over when, whilst QUIETLY talking to my friend, I was asked to leave the fourth floor. To this studious upperclassman, whom I continue to see all too frequently, I am both apologetic – and still offended.

4E 1

Level 3

In terms of quietness, level 3 provides the perfect environment in which being a functional human being (breathing, moving, etc.) is acceptable, and loudly gossiping about someone else’s Friday night escapades is not.

However, the level three reading room presents two critical issues:

  • Memories of the hot sweaty awkwardness of Club Lau must be suppressed.
  • One must accept that this room is a fishbowl visible to any and all onlookers outside of Lau.

Level 2

Level two is a floor of temptation and lack of productivity. This floor is conducive to group “work” (collective procrastination) and is home to Midnight MUG, luring students away from their studies with the bait of sugary, caffeinated beverages. Floor two features an uncomfortably open space that raises dilemmas such as: is walking to Midnight MUG worth having EVERYONE stare at you?

Level 1

So far, the only useful thing here is that there is a bathroom that everyone didn’t just see you walk into (unlike Lau 2) or can hear you in (unlike all other floors).

“Basement”

The fact that Lau has a dungeon should be surprising to no one, considering the general level of enthusiasm that surrounds spending the day at Lau and the uncanny resemblance our library bears to a bomb shelter. This floor is surreptitiously referred to as “LL” in the elevators and is presumably where people who spill coffee, deface cubicles, and loudly eat chips in the third floor reading room are held captive.

It's basically a bunker...
It’s basically a bunker…

Images: giphy.com, blog.thehoya.com