A Freshman’s Guide to Getting Into Parties

635738746157965586629647367_college-drinkingBy this point in the semester, as a freshman, you’ve probably encountered an awkward situation that tends to happen here on the Hilltop. It goes something like this:

***

It’s 10 p.m. on a Friday night, and you’re standing in a crowded New South dorm room that smells like a mixture of bodily fluids, the weeks-old laundry you’ve been meaning to do and the pungent cheap alcohol adult beverages (which are not permitted in dry dorms). It’s Lit. The music is pounding, and your friends are sharing horror stories of the kid down the hall who was written up last night. Then, it happens: that cute girl in your Problem of God class you almost talked to once alerts the masses to a huge party at some little-known place called “Nevils.”

freshman party
We have an actual party to go to!

UH OH! You want to go, but weren’t exactly invited.

***

Here at Georgetown, parties are often “closed.” The self-appointed bouncer will try to tell you that the party is at capacity, that your friend group ratio is off or that you just aren’t in the group for which the party is intended.

But, FEAR NOT! While the traditional techniques to finagle your way into a party sometimes don’t suffice, 4E has compiled a guide that will get you into that Brown House banger (AKA DC’s hottest sauna) that works every time, 50% of the time!

Let me in because…

  • I need to help a friend who is inside: Tell the bouncer that your friend inside the party needs a visit from GERMS and you need to tend to him/her immediately. It won’t suffice if anyone else calls, because JUST LET ME IN I NEED TO MAKE SURE SHE’S OK!
  • I (kinda) brought the goods: Run, don’t walk, to the nearest dumpster. Gather some empty bottles left over from another night’s festivities, fill them with water or another appropriately colored liquid and present them to the bouncer as a gift. They will appreciate the offer and let you in, but by the time they realize your antics, you’ve already worked off your Chicken Finger Thursday food baby on the dance floor.
  • It’s my 21st birthday: For those of you unfamiliar with this momentous occasion in your life, you can use it as an excuse for anything and everything. Have a midterm? Tell your professor you’re turning the big 2-1 that day and can’t fathom studying. Tuition and rent are due on that day? Ask for an extension, they will totally understand. In order to pull off this one, you need to fake a stamp on your forehead to prove you had your Tombs night, an explanation why you look so young and the ability to produce that genuine ID from South Carolina (despite your natural New York accent) that proves you ~just~ turned 21.

fake id

  • I will pee myself otherwise: Word to the wise – this may or may not need to be accompanied by a story about how you struggle to maintain the integrity of your bladder and randomly lose control. Tell them you could burst at any moment all over the place and you wouldn’t want to get the bouncer’s clothes wet, now would you?

peeing pants

  • No hablo inglés: Ramble on in one of the seven foreign languages you know being a Georgetown student. If they are thoroughly confused, they just might let you in. Make sure that the bouncer doesn’t speak the language you’re using, or this could go sour. Bonus points if you make up your own language(s) to use or use multiple languages!
don't speak english
No, and that’s the point…
  • I live here: Obviously, it could be a dead giveaway that you’re telling a lie if you choose this option and can’t back yourself up. The key to success is to be confident, be a few notches above angry when they reject you at first and be willing to (or threaten to) call the cops if they don’t let you in.

this is my home

  • I know ____________ (insert a very rare, not a common name): It may be simple to say you know John and Matt and try to get into a party that way, because chances are both John and Matt are the names of two of the guys that live there. Nevertheless, doing so will result in failure as soon as the bouncer says, “John who?” For this reason, tell them you know “Pascal” and “Foster.” When they don’t know these guys, you just say “exactly” and push your way past them, because there is a reason for which bouncers are outside of the party.

While we won’t give you a money-back guarantee, we’re sure that if you’re daring to try all of these suggestions, you just might be let into the sauna party.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, theodyssey.com

The Seven Standard Snapchats

Snapchat-logo-e1406582518655If you aren’t a fan of Snapchat, reevaluate your life decisions. No other means of communication can get the job done. What job, you may ask? It’s whatever you want it to be. There are hundreds of awesome ways to share your life with other people on Snapchat (should I get paid for saying this?).

Since we at 4E are connoisseurs of all things “snap” (except for SNAPS – we don’t like them), we compiled a list of seven typical Snapchats you might get:

Team Snapchat Snaps

gecko sigh

These are literally the worst. First off, it’s so frustrating when you get a notification thinking someone real snapped you and then you realize you have no friends. Second, they are actually quite weird. Most of the time, its Team Snapchat wishing you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Kwanzaa all in one message. To the .0000001% of people that celebrate all three of those, cheers to you. And finally, they always seem to come at the worst timing, like when you’re waiting for someone to snap you back…

Reply Snaps

The dreaded reply snaps. These remind me of those, “IF YOU READ THIS AND DON’T SEND IT TO 10 FRIENDS A LOVED ONE WILL DIE AT MIDNIGHT TOMORROW” things that used to go around on Facebook back in middle school. If you don’t send a reply back to the person doing what they asked you to do, you will be forever shamed. I’ve been trapped into reply nose-picks, reply chugs and reply trust falls.

Bestie Snaps

Nobody besides your best friends can send you ridiculous Snapchats at any time of day. They may be pointless, even foolish (think embarrassing enough to be screen-shotted and used as blackmail), but they sure are entertaining. They always make you laugh and are often inside jokes.

Toilet Snaps

He's Starting Early
He’s Starting Young

There are many appropriate times to send a Snapchat, while on the toilet is not ever usually one of them. I get it, you also poop. It’s funny, because if someone were to open the door accidentally while you were own the throne, you would absolutely flip a s*** because the bathroom is a sacred place. Yet, you’re more than willing to send a snap to a friend of yourself on the toilet? These snaps will never make sense.

Food Porn Snaps

While these are usually in the form of a Snapstory, they are so unnecessary. We all eat, too. I don’t care how many pieces of pumpkin spiced French toast you ate at Farmers Fishers Bakers (queue basic biddies google searching to see if this is a real thing), there is no need for you to remind me how bad Leo’s is by sending me a picture of your food. I’m just a poor, hungry college student trying to survive on ramen and all of the extra food I take when I use a meal swipe at Einstein’s.

Drunken Snaps

You get a snap during the wee hours of the morning from that friend that you’d rather not admit is one of your best friends on Snapchat. Nevertheless, you’re lying in your bed on a lazy Sunday morning afternoon and decide to open it up. It’s a video of them not realizing they were taking a video because they thought they were trying to take a picture. You decide to shoot them a text: “Hey, you good? I’m so hung-over that Leo’s doesn’t sound half bad.”

Play-by-Play Snaps

blackout scheduled schumer

It must be a big deal when (insert name) goes out on the weekends because they send you a snaps updating you on their location, activity and amount of drinks consumed eleven times before you can say “GERMS”. Just remember, Snapchat, like everything else, should only be used in moderation.

Happy Snapping!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, tumblr.com

The Five Weirdest Documentaries You Have To See To Believe

people-watching-tvIt’s that time of the year again. As the weather slowly but surely gets colder, all we really want to do is stay in on the weekends and binge watch our favorite shows on Netflix. While the traditionally popular series are always a safe bet, try a documentary out. Not documentaries about something cool, but really weird documentaries. There are a lot of them.

i love tv so much

We at 4E have done all the dirty work and have uncovered five unforgettable, award-winning and bizarre documentaries. Grab some popcorn and enjoy!

  1. The Act of Killing (Watch on HBO): Two of Indonesia’s most prolific gangsters masterminded an extermination of around a million suspected communists during a military coup in the 1960s. This documentary seeks to recap their reign of terror and is directed in part by the gangsters themselves. What makes this a must-see (and really strange) is the fact that it is mostly reenactments of murders by the killers themselves, giving the viewer a first-hand view. This brings a whole new meaning to the saying “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film.”
  2. The Imposter (Watch on Netflix): When a 13 year old boy disappears from Texas, he suddenly reappears in southern Spain three and a half years later. Something is fishy here. In fact, it’s really a 23 year old French man, who is then able to fool the real boy’s family (and international authorities) for almost five months and assume the identity of a 16 year old American. The Imposter presents a terribly eerie story with many unexpected turns.kristen wiig mustache surprised
  3.  The Final Member (Watch on Netflix): Thanks to the isolation of their country and culture, Icelanders are often misunderstood. So, too, is Siggi Hjartarson, the founder and curator of the Icelandic Phallological Museum (Read: a private collection of private parts). Only one thing is missing from Siggi’s collection: a human specimen. Watch The Final Member to find out if Siggi can secure a human donation and to learn more about his strange passion for all things phallus.
  4. Tales from the Organ Trade (Watch on HBO): A slightly different take on organ collection, this one is actually really enlightening. But don’t fret: it’s still very strange and creepy. Tales from the Organ Trade tracks the black market trade of human organs, from donors in peripheral countries to organ brokers who buy their organs to the people willing to pay insane amounts of money for a new kidney. It provides an in-depth look at a hidden trade that spans the entire globe. Definitely a must-see!
  5. The Source Family (Watch on Netflix): A seemingly normal married restaurateur turns into the leader of a psychedelic jam band polygamist cult. The Source Family details the life of cult leader Father Yod and his merry band of fourteen wives living in a Hollywood mansion. Watch to find out how the cult grew to around 150 people at its peak and discover the cause of its eventual demise.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, photobucket.com, optimism.com