Posted on

Arrrrg! What to Do When Your Pirate Boyfriend Dies of Scurvy

Has your sexy peg-legged pirate boyfriend succumbed to the mysterious and deadly illness known as scorbutus? It happens to the best of us, and you’re not alone. You’re human and it’s normal to grieve; let yourself feel all the emotions that wash over you.

Perhaps to honor the loss of your hot pirate boyfriend, you should make sure no one else suffers the same fate as him. The first thing you’re going to want to do is examine your diet over the past three or four months. Have you eaten anything other than salted pork and beer? Nothing wrong with that combo, but you might want to diversify your diet. I know you must be out to sea doing your pirate-y things and causing a ruckus, but it might be worth the risk to land at a port and buy some fresh produce. Ideally, you’d be able to find a local farmer’s market with organic, fresh produce, but maybe your pillaging hasn’t been as successful recently (I don’t blame you, just look at the economy … ). If that’s out of your price range, almost any canned vegetables or fruit could save your life. You see, potatoes, strawberries, and citrus all have a little thing inside them called Vitamin C, and you need that to survive. How do I know this? No, I am not a witch, but I have studied introductory biology and know what ascorbic acid is.

Once you’ve stocked up your pirate ship with some fresh fruits and veggies, it may be time to consider a proper burial for your boyfriend. He was a mighty fine pirate, the fiercest sailor of the seven seas, and he deserves a great funeral. How do you bury your dead? Oh, you just chuck them overboard? Don’t you think he deserves something a little more grand? I hear that viking funerals are very fashionable these days. I mean, pirates and vikings aren’t really that different, I don’t think it’s appropriation.

I know you’ve been down with the passing of your hot, rugged boyfriend, who always knew how to rock those billowy white shirts. He really did look great in that pointy pirate hat with his muscular chest exposed. But, he would want you to enjoy the rest of your pirating days: pillaging, sailing, staring dramatically out at the horizon, the whole shebang. So, pick up your head, your pointy pirate hat is dropping. Go out there, cause some mayhem, and avenge your boyfriend!! Arrrrg.

Posted on

Manchinema: An enemies-to-lovers romance

Love is in the air, y’all, and it looks like American can’t get enough of the Hill’s hottest new power couple. With Valentine’s Day still fresh in our minds, these two just love being the center of everything: attention, the political spectrum, and most every Democratic lawmaker’s mind. 

While this pairing may seem natural in an increasingly radical, Socialist Democratic party, the two would have been at each other’s throats a mere decade ago— and not in a sexy way. You see, this is a classic enemies-to-political-lovers story, one that will shape the future for years to come.

One side of this inflation-wary coin is Joseph Manchin the Third, who shares a name with Joseph R. Biden, his party leader and president. However, their similarities end there. 

Joe “I don’t know anybody that doesn’t own a gun” Manchin is a proud conservative Democrat from West Virginia who once famously shot President Obama’s climate bill in a campaign ad. He’s a steadfast lover of all things coal, pollution, and is the bane of r/antiwork’s existence. But there’s nothing Manchin loves more than another rabble-rousing Democrat with which he shares the collective hate of the Democratic party. Her name? Krysten Lea Sinema.

Krysten “bisexual yas queen girlboss” Sinema is a Senator from sunny Arizona. More specifically, she’s the senior senator from Arizona, which is honestly such a dated term, because it’s so wrong to comment on a woman’s age. 

Senator Sinema, whose voting record in 2019 was more conservative than Mitch McConnel’s, took a more unique road to becoming a conservative Democrat than Manchin. As a graduate of Brigham Young University, she quickly disavowed her Mormon religion,became an early supporter of LGBTQ+ rights and was an outspoken pacifist during the War on Terror. Thankfully, Mr. Manchin and Ms. Sinema did not know each other at the time, which was probably for the best because Mr. Manchin might have mistaken her for Satan herself.

However, after almost two decades of public service, these unlikely political allies have drawn closer and closer together — so close, in fact, that news outlets have given them a cute couple’s nickname: Manchinema. Forget Bennifer and Brangelina. Manchinema is America’s hot new power couple. 

While it may sound like a liver disease, their rock-solid (or, I guess, coal-solid) relationship is only reinforced by their shared affinity of corporate donations, Republicans and anti-progressive anger. Instead of leaving room for Jesus, they leave room for the filibuster. 

So with this Valentine’s Day in mind, while you’re sitting alone in your cold, dark room, just remember that you still have a chance at finding your other half. If Manchinema can find each other, so can you.

Posted on

Dy(e)ing During the COVID-19 Pandemic

Do you feel bad about stagnating during a global pandemic? Feel like your life has been on pause for the past year? Have you had no time for self-improvement, focusing all your energy on surviving each cursed day? That is totally fine! Hustle culture is toxic, and sometimes you need to focus on yourself, even if that means doing the bare minimum.

However, taking a step back also means you must contend with the fact that some people are just better than you. And that’s okay too! For instance, my multitalented coworker, Lincoln Le, has discussed his newfound love for cooking. Have you explored your unknown, yet deep-seated passion for cooking? No. But Lincoln has, and he’s a better person because of it.

This is you.
GIPHY

It’s always great to hear that someone is thriving, but a little part of you has to also internalize the fact that these people are simply better than you. You’re probably reading this article on your couch, in sweats, munching on Hot Cheetos or something.

Am I overusing “Saturday Night Live” gifs? Maybe.
BUZZFEED

You know what Lincoln is doing? Cooking a delicious Michelin-star meal. And me? I’m dyeing. And I don’t mean any of that hippie crap, tie-dyeing. I mean, real, honest, American dyeing.

To Lincoln, cooking has been his release. For me, it’s been dyeing. Here is my story.

Kourtney was talking about me.
GIPHY

It all started a couple years ago — 21 years ago, in fact. One fateful March day, I was born. Twenty years later, as I was browsing the heavy machinery at Home Depot (as one does), I stumbled upon some Dickies painter pants with a friend. We bought one each, and I wore them occasionally. They were stiff and baggy, standing out in my wardrobe as some sort of ’90s relic. Even after a dozen washes, they were stiffer than gluten-free pancakes.

But then, I had a revelation. My white painter’s pants were no longer just baggy, semi-hipster pants. They were the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and I was Michelangelo. Armed with clothing dye, some salt and a huge pot, I was ready to create my masterpiece:

Pot.
MATTEO LAUTO FOR THE HOYA

Step 1: I boiled some water. Not just any water, though. It was heavily salted (I’m talking like a cup and a half of salt) and soapy. Once the concoction was at a boil, I added the dye, which is when the magic began.

Step 2: Once the dye was added and mixed thoroughly, it was time for the most important ingredient. I popped those pants into the delicious stew.

Pants in pot with dye.
MATTEO LAUTO FOR THE HOYA

The trick is that you want to make sure you are stirring the pants as much as possible. I really embraced my inner forest witch — the pot was no longer full of pants and dye; it was my potion to turn unsuspecting children into my pet cats.

After about half an hour, the pants were ready to be rinsed. I dropped those bad boys under running water to expel the excess dye until the water ran clear. Then BAM, they’re ready to be worn. I did it! I started a new hobby and gained a new skill during the pandemic. My superiority reigns far and wide. Have fun lounging on your couch, rotting away, readers. I am simply better than you AND I have cute pants to wear.

I have a god complex now.
MATTEO LAUTO FOR THE HOYA

Header Image: PAPER AND STITCH

Posted on

Biden’s American Rescue Plan, written by Georgetown University:

Georgetown University, spearheaded by the government department, has recently announced their own version of President Biden’s American Rescue Plan. The university hopes Congress will take its vast expertise on budgetary issues seriously and use its blueprint as a reference point for President Biden’s stimulus package. Here are some of the highlights:

The government department’s first priority is to allocate $30 billion in funding for a nationwide “How are you doing?” email blast from Robert M. Groves to every citizen’s inbox. Seeing as the 2020 Census was a hot mess, they are advising to tap Groves, former director of the U.S. Census Bureau, to head the new Department of Surveys, a cabinet-level position that will replace the Census Bureau as the main information-gathering agency for the government. After the smashing success of the surveys sent to Georgetown students, Congress should see the emails as a way to cut costs, streamline and modernize the government’s data collection agency. Democrats and Republicans were not able to agree on the frequency of the email blasts, so they compromised and chose to send it out bimonthly.

As part of President Biden’s promise to lower the cost of higher education, Georgetown advises to spend $90 billion of targeted funding dedicated to forgiving student loan debt, but only for business major students. Centrists were hesitant to forgive all student loan debt given the hefty price tag and catastrophic damage it would cause on the U.S. economy, so centrists did what they do best: settle on a compromise that left no one happy. Business majors understand more than literally anyone else how bad it could be to the economy to forgive all student loan debts, so they are willing to shoulder this incredible burden. The remaining 98% of people still paying off their student loan debt will be outraged but also unsurprised, the department speculates.

After days of negotiating with NHS students, the government department has advised the U.S. government to put $7 billion toward the splitting of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services into the U.S. Department of Health and Department of Nursing. The split should be expected to occur in July 2022. Given that we are currently in a global pandemic, it is wise to split the job of the HHS into two separate, but functionally identical, departments.

The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development should stay vastly underfunded, seeing as Georgetown University has gotten away with charging record-setting tuition without improving its dorms. This policy of raising prices arbitrarily, while promising no improvements, worked for Georgetown and thus should be adopted nationwide. In order to mirror Georgetown’s model, the government department is issuing guidance to raise property taxes on low-income people while also promising to dedicate zero funds for public housing improvements.

One of the more controversial suggestions laid out by Georgetown, but garnered praise from President Biden, was a $69 billion fund to place a cross in every room in every federal building. The Senate parliamentarian gave their stamp of approval for the measure, citing divine intervention as having a major impact on the budget. “Where do you think all the money we’re printing is coming from? God,” the parliamentarian was quoted saying over the weekend. While gaining bipartisan support from liberal artists and religious conservatives, the measure is not expected to stay in the stimulus package.

Posted on

This Week in Politics: October 9th

There’s never enough politics these days. Because of the lack of political coverage on the 4E, many of the most important stories have gone unreported. It’s our duty as investigative journalists to report the facts and only the facts; anything less would be an assault on our democracy. So, for everyone’s sake, here’s a recap of all the most important, unreported and truest political stories that have gone under the radar this week.

President Donald Trump Fails Liberals’ Purity Test

It’s official now. After spending months sidestepping a crucial presidential task of sitting down to take the rigorous four-hour Liberal Purity Test, Trump has taken it and failed. The proctor of the exam, Radical Leftist Nancy Pelosi, wanted a perfect score, demanding the president say “Black Lives Matter” and “My Body, My Choice”. She then went on to ask the president to name all 50 states. The president refused, leading to an automatic failure.

No Candidate Was on Performance-Enhancing Drugs During the Presidential Debate, but Every Viewer Was on Mind-Altering Drugs

A bombshell exposé by the folks at VICE tested each individual person who watched the debate and found them to all have high levels of LSD, DMT and mescaline in their bloodstream. The drugs have caused a total loss of touch with reality and vivid hallucinations akin to seeing two grandparents fight over control of the TV remote. The report went on to explain the debate was, in reality, a mild affair, but the entire U.S. population had a collective “bad trip” for those 90 minutes. The DEA, EPA and HHS have all quietly issued apologies for placing hallucinogens in the water, food and air of every U.S. household. The clerical error that led to this blunder has been resolved and will not occur again.

President Donald Trump Releases List of Other Supreme Court Nominees

A leak directly from the White House shows Trump plans to announce an extra two Supreme Court nominees, preemptively packing the court before Democrats have a chance. Trump, on a call with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, is rumored to have said, “What are the Democrats going to do about it? Even if they win in November, they don’t have the ***** to pack the court. But I do. I have the best *****. And I’m going to have the best Supreme Court in history!” Some choices on his shortlist have raised some eyebrows, with Judge Judy, Ivanka Trump and even Hillary Rodham Clinton making the cut. HRC was seen as a compelling compromise: on one hand, it would force her silence on current politics, but also a gift to Democrats in the shape of a a liberal justice on the highest court in the land.

Monster House 2: West Wing

The creators of the Academy Award- and Golden Globe-nominated film Monster House have announced a highly anticipated sequel: Monster House 2: West Wing. Just in time for the Halloween season, this movie promises to truly frighten. Set in a dystopian future, this house has it all: authoritarianism, a rampant viral epidemic, homophobia and blatant disregard for human life. This movie promises to strike fear in all the right places. The film is in theaters and real life Oct. 31. Rated: PG-13, and streaming exclusively on C-SPAN. Viewer discretion is advised.

Posted on

Georgetown Divests From Fossil Fuels, Replacing Investments With New Opportunities

Late on Feb. 6, Georgetown University announced that it is divesting its endowment from fossil fuels, claiming it will stop new investments in companies that extract fossil fuels of all forms and proposing a timeline for divesting from both public and private investments in fossil fuel companies.

This divestment is a momentous first step in Georgetown’s role in ensuring the health of the planet and the lives of future generations, showing its commitment to all current and future Hoyas.

In a pivot to increase transparency regarding Georgetown’s $1.6 billion endowment (a little more than what Jeff Bezos makes in a week), Georgetown has offered the 4E an inside scoop on its plans for the funds previously invested in those companies.

One major investment opportunity Georgetown is pursuing is the app used in the Iowa caucus, IowaRecorder app. Created by a for-profit software firm, Georgetown has poured an unknown amount into the company, citing the app’s ability to create media buzz and attention as a reason for the investment. While the app has been mired in controversy, all publicity is good publicity, right? At first, this may seem like a risky move, seeing as it almost caused the absolute destruction of the Democratic Party, but compared to the damage the fossil fuel industry has done to the planet, this investment is a safe bet.

Georgetown University has ample financial advisers in the form of MSBros and has heeded their advice in regard to reinvesting funds removed from fossil fuel companies. A group of MSB students has successfully petitioned for investing in various snake sanctuaries, as it would ensure that MSB graduates have a safe and comfortable home for retirement after a long, successful life at their family’s private equity firm. This new investment will help diversify Georgetown’s portfolio and make its endowment practically recession-proof.

A retired MSB student in a newly built snake sanctuary funded by Georgetown University.

Interestingly, Georgetown has chosen to take some of the funds previously devoted to the fossil fuel industry out of its endowment and use it to buy various products. It has quietly bought every tenured professor their own personal trash truck to transport them around D.C. Even though these trucks average three miles per gallon, Georgetown justifies this purchase by arguing that professors are now free to move farther from campus, saving them a ton of money by allowing them to move away from the ludicrously expensive D.C. area.

A sneak peek of all the professors’ new whips.

Georgetown has also allocated a large portion of assets freed from fossil fuel companies to the purchase of raw beef and lamb, citing that it’s bulking season and red meat has great nutritional value. It’s even rumored that the entirety of Old North has been converted into a giant freezer in order to store the metric tons of meat Georgetown has bought.

St. Ignatius of Loyola, the founder of the Jesuits, would have wanted it this way. In fact, he’s quoted saying that a strong bicep is just as important as, if not more important than, a strong mind. Cura personalis, right?

Regardless of whether you agree with these financial decisions, Georgetown has proven yet again to be on the forefront of combating climate change. Every day, Georgetown gives us another reason to be proud to be a Hoya.

Posted on

Breaking News: Democratic VP Short List Revealed

Thanks to the 4E’s incredible investigative journalism, we have some breaking news. Our field correspondents have successfully infiltrated the Democratic presidential candidates’ campaigns and found each candidate’s short list for vice president. The 4E is proud to be the on the forefront of honest reporting and journalistic integrity, so, of course, these have been fact-checked and vetted for authenticity.

Bernie Sanders:

Hillary Rodham Clinton:

This pick is honestly a great strategic pivot. Not only does it cover the older, more moderate voters Bernie is lacking, but it also brings in the political establishment. Everyone knows Sanders has been criticized by his fanatic online following, who are known to dig their bloodsucking teeth into anyone and everyone who crosses their paths, but Sanders’ embracing his nemesis will teach his followers to take the high road. The bold political move of choosing HRC as his running mate will quell fears of sexism within the Sanders camp and bring in the establishment wing of the party he so despises.

Elon Musk:

An eccentric, polarizing figure that doesn’t seem to fit any mold? Make it a double! Plus, this smart political move for Sanders will show how adept he is at making friends with the enemy. Tacking on a billionaire to his ticket will throw everyone in a tailspin and showcase Sanders’ broad appeal. Plus, free electric cars for everyone? Who doesn’t want that?

Joe Biden:

Billie Eilish:

Ah, the youth is wasted on the young. Billie’s and Joe’s averaged age would still be over 10 years older than Pete Buttigieg. Billie is everything Joe isn’t: young, hip (meaning she has two fully functioning hips) and ~relatable~. Zoomers might finally go to a Biden rally if its opening act was Billie Eilish, a surefire way to get that elusive youth vote. Biden’s steady-handedness and return to normalcy will be a perfect counterbalance to Billie’s brash, unapologetic youth, showing just how much this country needs to get back on track. 

Mike Pence:

A unity ticket! Honestly, this is another daring political stunt that leans into Joe’s incredible narrative of electability. Who is more electable than the person that was most recently elected? Plus, imagine Trump’s face when he finds out his VP is cheating on him. Priceless. This will all but ensure a Democratic victory, but at what cost? It could also be a great rebranding for Mike; it’d be an enemies-to-political allies slow burn story for the ages. 

Elizabeth Warren:

Amy Klobuchar:

Elizabeth has seized the narrative and is floating Amy as a potential VP thanks to The New York Times’ odd move to support two candidates. Who doesn’t trust the media giant that is The New York Times? Amy would be a great addition to the Warren team, as she is a seasoned veteran who has proven her winning capabilities. In typical Warren fashion, she has a plan for that.

Bernie Sanders:

There is definitely a broad appeal for two grandparents promising you free stuff. Many people can relate to it, and it could unify the burgeoning progressive movement that has recently shown cracks in its foundation. She’s younger, hipper and more savvy than her male progressive counterpart, which could be alluring for those pesky swing voters. Plus, he’d be a perfect foil for critics of Lizzie — she could just point to Bernie and say, “at least I’m not as radical as him!”

Pete Buttigieg:

His mother:

Did he get his permission slip signed to go to the debates? He seems like the type to bring a sack lunch to his field trips; apple slices are a must. She can drive him to the debate, as long as someone else can drive him back. Plus, she’d be younger than both Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden, so we know she’d last at least four years in case Pete gets any younger and becomes ineligible to run for president.

Ned McDodd, Mayor of Whoville

A double mayoral ticket for president? Un-president-ed! Pete makes the smarter political move to choose the animated mayor of Whoville instead of the live-action version, because that man is downright terrifying. I love “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” but the Whos in the film still give me nightmares — so, I’m saying a personal thank you to Pete for choosing the superior mayor.

Posted on

Apparently, Billionaires Get Lonely, Too

Mr. Jeff Bezos, hot off the stove of a divorce, seems to be getting lonesome in his new life as a bachelor. With his purchase of a “quaint” home in Washington, D.C., he seems to be on the prowl. Alexa must not be good company anymore, because Jeff is scoping out for something more real. Thanks to our impressive network of sources, we are honored to be the first to show the definitely “REAL, AUTHENTIC, UNEDITED” dating profiles of Jeffery Preston Bezos. 

TINDER:

Bio: Hi! I’m an open book — ask me anything! Billionaires are people, too, so be kind. A proud Boomer. Legend has it, if you rub my shiny bald head, Alexa will appear and buy you anything you desire. If you rub another part of my body, something even better happens ;)

BUMBLE:

GRINDR: ???

Mr. Bezos, too, seems to be looking to get cuffed this holiday season. No doubt he’s splurged on all the premium profiles on these apps to get those extra matches, but until he deletes these profiles, it seems like he hasn’t found The One. I guess money can’t buy everything. Happy swiping, Hoyas.

Posted on

Love Letter to the Witch Who Lives Under the Road Between Regents and Reiss

Dear Witch Who Lives Under The Road Between Regents and Reiss,

What’s cooking? No, literally, what you are cooking down there? There’s always this unhealthy amount of steam coming from the manhole, and I get that you have to feed your family, but I just wanted to check in. I tried understanding the construction email updates, but that requires knowing what things on campus are called. Anyway, I’m 90 percent sure they are going to close down that street sometime soon.

You sort of smell like a rusty harmonica mixed with whatever Florida smells like. Maybe add a little paprika? Oregano? The economy is doing pretty well right now; maybe you can move away from my early morning commute to bio. I don’t want to judge your family recipe, but I will call Child Protective Services if you’re secretly poisoning your children.

Or maybe you’re just a Vape God and enjoy hitting the juul, but instead of cool cucumber, it’s just the creme brulee pod. At least it smells just as bad. If that’s the case, though, I’m still concerned about you, because it looks like you’re addicted. You gotta take care of your pulmonary health, and being Thomas the Dank Engine all day is not a good look. And, heaven forbid you’re smoking that devil’s lettuce (not in my Christian neighborhood!!)??

Whatever you’re toking definitely borders on illegal.

Considering that you live between the sad, lonely uncle STEM building and the cool millennial mom STEM building, perhaps you’re just doing some strange science experiments. If that’s the case, there’s probably enough space for the entire biochemistry department down there. Usually when there’s a constant stream of gross-smelling, billowing gas coming out of a lab, that’s when you get help from your TA. Maybe try using the fume hood?

Update: I think they’re onto you: They’ve cornered you off like some biohazard, which I guess in retrospect, you could be. Whatever you do, just stay safe, witch.

Hoya Spooks-ya!

Sources: toptenz.net, 

Posted on

What’s Up With Mattress Toppers?

Welcome to college, where mattress toppers are one of your most important possessions. Sleep is definitely the most important thing in my life right now. I had the misfortune of having no mattress topper for the first couple weeks of school, so I got familiar with my Georgetown-supplied mattress.

I treated that mattress well, keeping it clothed with my Bed Bath & Beyond 300-thread-count twin-XL sheets, which I washed two (2) times in the first couple weeks of class. It wasn’t as kind.

Going in, my expectations were pretty low: I knew my dorm wouldn’t scream “luxury.” Yet, the inhumanity of such an unrelenting material almost seemed sacrilegious. The mattresses supplied to us by the Jesuit Order definitely did not take cura of my personalis.

I don’t blame Georgetown for such hostile living conditions. I get it: The university has better things to spend its measly budget on — like a new gym, but one that’s only for athletes.

I’m no MSBro, but I can tell you that toppers range from $10, to over $200 for some fancy “organic” ones. Don’t get me started on what “organic” mattress toppers offer that non-organic ones don’t; that can be a topic for another day. There are many options with which to top your mattress, but for those who are more basic, I applaud you. I attempted that lifestyle for a couple weeks, but my body was too frail for such exertion.

That’s why I’m in love with the concept of mattress toppers. They’re at the crossroads of necessity and luxury, much like a minifridge or that extra Kate Spade bag you bought last month. Among the plethora of mattress toppers, each one tells a story and gives insight into the student who lays on it.

After extensive interpersonal and detailed research, I’ve concluded that there is a direct correlation between mattress toppers and personality type:

No Topper:

  • Doesn’t go to class.
  • On the path toward nirvana and giving up every shred of physical attachment to this world.
  • Probably shotgunning nitro brew coffee in the shower.

1-to-2-Inch Topper:

  • Probably hasn’t washed any sheets yet.
  • In Lau studying rn.
  • Always dehydrated.

2-to-4-Inch Topper:

  • A little dramatic.
  • Hates the cold.
  • Always on an e-scooter

Over 4-Inch Topper:

  • Probably doesn’t sleep much anyway.
  • Compensating.
  • Doesn’t know how to type properly.

So, there you have it. Sleep tight, Hoyas.

 

Sources: giphy.com