Author: Keaton O'Neil

The following is a reaction to “When You Give a 14-Year-Old Boy a Cosmopolitan,” because it’s been a year and nobody else did one.

Cosmopolitan has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. Full of expertise from articles like “Meow!: Why Acting Just Like a Cat Will Get People to Come to You” and “Why Men Cheat in August” (look out, ladies), you can’t help but to be at least somewhat entertained. And with the one exception to when I was sat next to a priest, I still read one every time I travel by plane.

In preemptive SWUG style, I decided to do another article in the same format as the sole article I wrote last year. In “When You Give a 14-Year-Old Boy a Cosmopolitan,” I read my younger brother a Cosmo article to gather his interpretation of what men really out of a relationship. However, this time is completely different because Jameson is 15 now, which means he another of year of experience under his belt (and, as well all know, freshman year of high school is pretty much the peak of everyone’s romantic life).

Now at 5’6 3/4”, 118 lbs, Jameson can do several reps benching the bar with only a little bit of help. This notorious Wellesley High bachelor brings to the table athleticism, geometry skills, and a passing grade in physics. A former lady-killer at the Bar Mitzvah scene, Jameson has recently ascended to the political throne of class secretary, and is now looking for the perfect little first lady to watch PG-13 movies with and quiz him on his French vocab. And though he may not be allowed to ride in the front seat of the Chevy suburban, he’s ready to take the full reigns of a lady’s heart.

I sat down with Jameson earlier this summer with a copy of Cosmo’s article, “Body Language Decoder.” Having done a similar interview before, he evaded any signs of nervousness by lying down in a sluggish position, digesting the 4:00 p.m. dinner of a whole box of pasta and alfredo sauce.

Me: Jameson, would you consider yourself a body language expert?
Jameson: Sure, why not.

Me: Why?
Jameson: I have a body of my own.

Me: Would you consider yourself a relationship expert?
Jameson: No.

Me: Why not?
Jameson: I haven’t been in a relationship.

And given our family history, that won’t change for a while.

For our readers who missed this Cosmo article for any reason, it lists physical descriptions or actions that men may exhibit during a specific point in a relationship and then decodes their body language to reveal what men are really thinking. I read to Jameson the description of each of these actions and asked him to analyze what these signs really mean without telling him Cosmo’s interpretation. His reactions are listed below:

SERIOUSLY INVOLVED: HE KISSES YOUR FOREHEAD
Cosmo: A true romantic, this sensitive dude will not only whip up a dinner for you (served by candlelight), he’ll ask about your day while he’s at it.
Jameson: He doesn’t know where your mouth is.

FIRST MEETING: HE LIFTS HIS EYEBROWS
Comso: When a man sees someone he’s into, he’ll automatically lift and lower his eyebrows, wrinkling his forehead in the process. But you’ll have to keep your eyes peeled to catch a glimpse of this telltale signal.
Jameson: He’s a creep.

DATING: HE LAUGHS EASILY
Cosmo: The guy is relaxed and able to be himself with you. “He’s letting his guard down and comfortable expressing his emotions, which a man usually does when he’s thinking long-term,” says relationship expert Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, coauthor of “Why Can’t You Read My Mind?”
Jameson: Is the girl funny?
Me: Let’s say she’s OK-funny, but she’s no Amy Schumer.
Jameson: Ok, well, then he likes you.

FIRST MEETING: HE HOLDS A LOOONG, PIERCING GAZE
Cosmo: Although you may think he’s smitten, he could be playing you. Holding intense eye contact for more than five seconds doesn’t happen naturally, so he may be using the look as a seduction technique to get you into bed.
Jameson: He likes to stare.

DATING: HE PROUDLY HOLDS YOUR HAND IN PUBLIC
Cosmo: He wants to show the world that you’re his. That indicates that he’s the type who craves close partnership.
Jameson: He’s not afraid to commit. And he doesn’t care what the general public thinks.
Me: Would you ever hold my hand in public?
Jameson: No. Maybe if you were falling down or something.

SERIOUSLY INVOLVED: HE SWEEPS A STRAND OF YOUR HAIR OUT OF YOUR FACE WHILE GAZING INTO YOUR EYES
Comso: When this is done in public, it’s a declaration of your togetherness. In private, it’s a way to say silently, “I want to take care of you.”
Jameson: You had hair in the way of your eyes.

FIRST MEETING: HE STANDS OR SITS WITH HIS TOES POINTED TOWARD EACH OTHER
Cosmo: This means he’s feeling a little unsure of himself. So if a boy at the bar is striking this pose, he’s digging you but needs reassurance that the interest is mutual.
Jameson: He’s has a foot problem. He might be pigeon-toed.

SERIOUSLY INVOLVED: HE BEAR HUGS YOU GOODBYE
Cosmo: A guy who frequently says goodbye with a bear hug is comfortable with showing you the love. He’s confident about the relationship and his future with you. A total-body squeeze in his subconscious way of letting you know he’s committed.
Jameson: He’s comfortable around your body — literally.

ON THE ROCKS: HE SHIFTS IN HIS CHAIR OR TAPS HIS FINGERS
Cosmo: These tics may make it seem like he’s just plain nervous, but if they’re done while he’s explaining himself to you, they actually indicate that he could be fibbing.
Jameson: It’s an uncomfortable chair. Or he’s just thinking a lot. By repositioning his body he’s repositioning his eyes and how he looks at you.
Me: You’re so meta.

ON THE ROCKS: HE CLENCHES HIS FISTS
Cosmo: Unconsciously making fists is a common sign of a temper that’s teetering on blowing. It’s a conditioned reflex for men to prepare for a fight when they’re angry.
Jameson: He’s angry. He’s feeling defensive, maybe.

DATING: HE EXTENDS HIS PALM
Cosmo: When a guy offers his palm to you faceup, you know hands down he’s hooked. He’s literally and figuratively reaching out to the person he’s speaking with in an attempt to connect on a deeper emotional level.
Jameson: Uh, he wants you to touch his hand.
Me: And why would he want you to do that?
Jameson: I don’t know.
Me: I thought you were a body language expert.
Jameson: I have my flaws.

SERIOUSLY INVOLVED: HE WALKS IN SYNC WITH YOUR STRIDE
Cosmo: Strolling down the street together, arm in arm, signals a harmony between you. This is your way of facing the world as a united pair. And as an added bonus, you’re not only comfortable in the relationship, you also possess real trust.
Jameson: That’s kind of weird, why doesn’t he just walk normally? Maybe he likes copying what you’re doing.
Me: That sounds like a serial killer.

DATING: HE HAS A BIG, BROAD EXPRESSION, OFTEN WITH EVERYTHING SHOWING — TEETH, GUMS…CAVITIES
Cosmo: Consider it the “Wow, you give me butterflies. I’m head over heels’ smile.” If it’s accompanied by a hearty laugh, look out. If he were any more into you, he might drop down on one knee.
Jameson: He’s not afraid to display those pearly whites — sounds like he’s open to just being himself around you.

ON THE ROCKS: HE LOOKS UP AND TO THE LEFT
Cosmo: The next time you ask him a sticky question or he wants to explain himself to you, notice which way he looks. If his eyes move up to the right, he’s recalling information from his memory. If he looks up to the left, there’s a good chance that he’s inventing the answer.
Jameson: Why the left?
Me: I don’t know.
Jameson: Can he only look left?
Me: He’s not Zoolander.
Jameson: I don’t know … he’s looking away, it’s hard for him to make eye contact, because that would make him upset, or angry. Or he just can’t turn right.

Me: Jameson, do you have any ending comments?
Jameson: Follow me on Twitter, buy my mixed-tape: @jamesononeil, and I don’t actually have a mixed-tape.

Me: Any comments specifically to the lady readers out there?
Jameson: Uh, no. But take out the beginning part about me looking for a little first lady.

Photo: cosmopolitan.com