How to Survive the Clownpocalypse

How to Survive the Clownpocalypse

Over the years, American civilization has encountered several major threats to its ongoing existence, such as terrorism, climate change and infectious diseases. Today, there is a new danger on the horizon: the Clownpocalypse.


For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last four days, allow me to explain. Across the nation, cities, neighborhood communities, and college campuses have been terrorized by machete-carrying, child-luring, simply horrifying clowns. Feeling freaked out and unprepared? Follow these tips to help you survive if/when the clowns arrive at Georgetown.

1. Use the Buddy System
Do not even think about leaving your room alone. Going to Leo’s? Bring a buddy. Going to Yates?  Let’s be honest, probably not. Going to Lau? Bring a buddy. Going to the bathroom? BRING A BUDDY. A clown will be less likely to approach you if you are in pairs, and on the off chance one does, you will also have a human sacrifice handy to allow for your own quick escape.

2. Exercise your Second Amendment right
I don’t care what it is. Pepper spray. A knife. A rifle (maybe not a rifle…). A baseball bat. Clown repellent. It doesn’t matter. Just arm yourself ASAP because these clowns do not mess around. Maybe even consider calling your dad back about that self defense class he suggested you take before college. It could come in handy.

3. If you see something, say something
I’m not one to advocate for clown profiling, but if you see anything that even resembles one of these mask-wearing reincarnations of Lucifer you better say something. Tell your floor mates. File a report on LiveSafe. Call GUPD. Organize a press conference. Whatever it takes to get the word out.

4. Master the art of disguise
This one is fool proof. Carry around a clown mask with you at all times, and if you happen to see a clown quickly put it on and pretend your one of his/her friends. They’ll never know.

5. Accept your death
If you failed to follow any of my aforementioned tips this is really your only option. It’s been nice knowing you.

Now that you have 4E’s official guide to surviving the Clownpocalypse, go forth my friends and stay safe in these trying times.


The 5 People You Meet in a GroupMe

the 5 people you meet in a GroupMe

Over the course of your four years at Georgetown, you are bound to be added to more than a few GroupMes. Whether it is a GroupMe for your friends, your dorm building, your floor or a club, you will definitely encounter some ~interesting~ people.

The Questioner
This curious fellow feels no question is too small or insignificant to pose to the entire student body. It could be anything as ordinary as asking one’s freshman floor for some Advil to cure those Sunday Scaries or anything as strange as asking the entire class of 2020 if anyone wants to go star gazing at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday night (I guess light pollution can’t stop this one). No matter the GroupMe, there is always someone who continues to embrace their fifth grade teacher’s policy of “no question is a stupid question.”

The Campaigner
It’s election season for both the nation and the Hilltop. Considering Georgetown’s location and the fact that basically 50 percent of students are government majors, it should come as no surprise that people here are really into politics and will shamelessly campaign in their GroupMes. Whether it is an invitation to call random rich people for Hillary or a desperate plea to “Vote for me for MSB Academic Council!!!” there is never a shortage of political opportunities in your extensive list of chats.

The Silent Majority
If you scroll through the 259 members of your #poppin’ New South GroupMe, more often than not you will find a small bell crossed out in the top corner of each person’s respective square. These are the people who never have and probably never will speak in the GroupMe. These are the people who don’t really want to be in the chat but FOMO too hard to leave. This is the silent majority… this is most likely you.

The Sharer
There is always that one person who is just a little too comfortable with everyone in the GroupMe. Whether it’s sending constant drunk selfies with their quesadilla in Epi or sharing the intimate details of last night’s hookup, some people have to learn some boundaries.

But you’re secretly intrigued…

The Savior
At last we have arrived at my personal favorite GroupMe person – one whom I like to compare to Jesus Christ. This is the person who alerts the GroupMe of the nearest party or more importantly, the whereabouts of free food. Those “brownies on the third floor” and “free pizza on the front lawn” messages are essentially the sole reason I remain in the vast majority of my GroupMes.

Now that you know the different types of people found in a GroupMe, take some time to reflect. Are you a questioner or a campaigner? A sharer (a.k.a. just an extremely flamboyant drunk texter)? Are you… dare I say it… the second coming of Christ? Whichever one you are, keep doing you. Or maybe don’t.