An Open Letter of Baby Names for Mr. John Mulaney (CAS ’04)

Dear Mr. Mulaney,

It has come to the attention of the Editorial Board of The Fourth Edition of The Hoya (membership count: 3) that you and Ms. Olivia Munn are to bear a child and raise it in this world.

Per the contract you signed so many years ago, as a young and bright first-year at our shared Georgetown University, we have compiled a list of child names from which you are to choose. 

We take great pleasure that you have contacted us and wish to uphold the bond of the contract, for a great many alumni before you have, as the colloquialism goes, “tossed us to the wind.” 

With no more delay, please take your time to peruse the below fifteen names we have collected for the birthright of your child, five of which we have selected as the best and for which we have provided a few brief lines of justification.

Best wishes to you and your young family,

Signed this last Thursday of September, Two Thousand and Twenty-one,

The Editorial Board of The Fourth Edition

Nota bene: all names are to be considered gender neutral

SECTION I: Ten Honorable, but Less Desirable Names

  1. Ryan 
  2. Bryan
  3. Jak
  4. Marc
  5. Claribelle
  6. Annabella-Marianna
  7. Marianna-Annabella
  8. Suz
  9. Tenderfoot
  10. Billy

SECTION II: The Five Great Names

5. John

We have selected John as the fifth place name for your consideration. First, it is simple, classic, and elegant. There are contained within it a plethora of nicknames for your child, such as Johnny, Johnnie, Jack, Jackie, Jacky, Johnson, Johnsonny, and Elf. Second, it is your name, and if your child (regardless of gender) bears such a name, it will solidify your legacy and bloodline, eliminating the chance that a pretender arises.

4. Olivia

Olivia is our fourth place name because it is your partner’s name. In the fifth century Annals of the Blog, it was tradition that all those who were bound to The Fourth Edition would bear the name of the mother. We also believe in the strength of the nicknames: Liv, Livy, Olive, Olivy, and GrubHub. This is a strong name, and your child would be proud to wear it.

3. Beowulf

A proud name of a strong and ancient king. We are aware that you read English under the tutelage of our alma mater, and we have presumed that you would appreciate the inclusion of such a persona as the king of the Geats. Your child would have to live up to the destiny of the great lord, but what is such a challenge to a Mulaney, if not butterscotch?

2. Bloggert

Bloggert, Blogbert, Blogginton, Blogson–it is poor form to suggest ourselves as the future name of your child, but we believe that we deserve it. We have taken the time to compile such a list, so why not honor our efforts? 

INTERLUDE: Honorable Mentions from Your Opus

  1. George St.Geegland
  2. J.J. Bittenbinder
  3. Mr. Finch (The Duck Guy)
  4. Bill Clinton
  5. The Guy Who Gave You A Prostate Exam
  6. “Proud Asian American Woman”


1. Petunia

Was this not the name of a child you had in the past?


Mr. Mulaney, we hope you have enjoyed this list and that we have caused no offense with our suggestions. We have meant well and do genuinely wish you and Ms. Munn a safe pregnancy process and wonderful, wonderful life.

9 Ways To Stay Healthy During Flu Season

Midterms. Post-homecoming. Hearing that John Mulaney was on campus but not actually seeing him.

Life’s been coming at us Hoyas pretty hard the last few weeks, and, as if things couldn’t get any worse, it’s flu season. While some of us have a demigod-like resistance to mortal diseases, we common folk gotta bite the bullet and face the shot.

But, before you can get yourself out of bed to maintain your health through the power of modern medicine, 4E’s got nine temporary fixes to keep that virus out, so you can pop off (sis) on Halloweekend!

Don’t stay out too late

What?!?! But Midnight Mug is open until 2 a.m. for a reason!!

Yes, midterm szn is a hot mess: papers, tests and presentations demand a hefty amount of study time. And, when some professors forget students have more than one class, there really isn’t an option. But we stan self-care and not succumbing (and, tbh, perpetuating) Georgetown stress culture. 

So, get! to! bed!

Save the 3 a.m. trips to Wawa for the weekend — even then, take care of yourself!

Eat healthy

I hate Yates. I hate movement in general: unless that movement is taking a big bite out of a Wisey’s Hot Chick.

Luckily and, I guess, unfortunately, the best quick fix to being sedentary for 11 hours is eating well. If you can’t keep your body in shape (@yourboy) then at least eat some veg or froot that’ll boost that immune system!

Bundle up

It be cold! (~sometimes~)

I really don’t know what’s happening in Washington, D.C., right now, but it’s definitely not as warm as it was in August. In that case, maybe it’s time to cut wearing the single, thin cotton layer of your only Grateful Dead T-shirt (you know, the same one you wear to show that you’re “old school”) and start putting on some sweaters and long sleeves.

IMO, Georgetown does fall fashion FANTASTICALLY, so please participate in our communal, stylish preparation for colder weather.

Stay inside

If you only have that Grateful Dead tee, though, or haven’t done laundry in weeks because you have five papers due in one day, then try to keep warm indoors!

Leo’s — upstairs or down — behind the stairs is usually pretty toasty. HFSC fireplace? Top notch. Lau’s okay, but it’s more humid than cozy.

If nothing else, hunker down in that 160-square-foot Darnall dorm of yours.

Maybe forever.

Lock your door

And you know what? Why don’t you close yourself off while you’re at it?

Maybe it doesn’t help too much, but locking your door might keep out those germs! Yes, of course, FOMO might become an issue if you imprison yourself in your room, but any price to keep out the flu, right?


Make no human contact

You still probably have a roommate. 

They still probably have a key.

But they’re still a threat to your health. They are a threat to your very being.

So keep them out! Haha! You can’t risk contamination at this point — you still have a Spanish presentation and your voice has to be in tiptop shape. FaceTime, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter and even a phone call are risky. Delete all of them. Hide your phone. Germs can travel through the airwaves.

Lay salt lines at the entrances

Worst thing that could happen? Spiritual sickness! Ewww, gross!

Not only could your roommate carry a DISGUSTING virus that could potentially stop you from seeing your crush as Jim from “The Office” in a really stupid, lazy “Three-Hole Punch” costume, they could also be a witch!

So lay out those salt lines and keep out that beast of Hell!

They could turn you into a newt! And that’s not ~lit~ at all.

Build a shrine

Salt lines aren’t enough, though.

If Cerberus comes a-knockin’, you really think some sodium chloride’s gonna stop him? Or the flu, too, I guess.

NO! Ignorant fool! You must build. High and high to the very heavens — or just the roof of your dorm, lol! Choose your favorite idol, who can be the champion of your health —mine’s Bradley Cooper, ugh, so dReAmy~~~

Pray, wicked soul, pray! Prostrate yourself to the worship-idol of your choosing — it’s 2019! — and just jam out to Gregorian chant or some meditative music to cast out any source of harm to your well-being.

And germs!


The last step. You must commit a sacrifice to your idol —

Wait, what? Nonononono, BLOOD sacrifice? That’s sooo 12th century.

I’m talking about not eating candy for a day or taking a day off from social media. Honestly, in all your efforts to keep healthy, pass midterms and purge yourself of evil, maybe cracking open the door for an hour and hanging out with some friends is a kind of sacrifice.

Doing well in school and defeating evil are just as taxing as shutting yourself off from the world, so be healthy by practicing some solid self-care!

Though, who would miss one goat?

In all seriousness…

Get! Yo! Shot! 

It’s better and safer for you and everyone around you — even if you think you have X-Men immunity. It takes less than 10 minutes, and it gives you a chance to BYOB — Bring your own Band-Aid! And only Hoyas know how to pull off a stylish Garfield one, so go off!

Be well, and Happy Halloweekend, folks!

Endnote: I asked a friend if they give you candy as an incentive to get your shot, and she said, “No, you’re 19 years old.”

Thanks, Caroline.

The First Month of School in Various Haikus

Howdy, Hoyas. It’s 4E staff writer #3476 BACK with some ~crazy~ content.

Whoa! That was weird. Anywho, October is here (ahhhhhhhhh). Well, being a month into school, we’ve decided it’s a nice time to pause and reflect and really use some of our ~Jesuit~ values to assess how far we’ve come and how far we have to go.

But recaps can be sOoOoOOoooo boring! So, instead, we’re gonna go through the last month in the form of ~haikus~ to really drive at the raw emotions of all the feels we’ve felt.

BONUS NSO WEEK of 8/18 (dabdabdabdabdab ~I was an OA~ dab) 

Friends, new and old, come.

“Look at all these crazy kids!”

It’s a homecoming.

Aww so sweet! It can only get better (lol).

Week of 8/25

Mom, there’s no more carts.

Buying books is for Monday.

Need withdrawal slips.

RateMyProfessor hits different when you’re taking 18 credits and you’re pre-med.

Week of 9/1

Three days to ponder,

If my labor is worth it.

A Blueprint Meeting.

Get [clap emoji] that [clap emoji] org [clap emoji] DBC [clap emoji] sis [clap emoji] 

Week of 9/8

CAB Fair reflections.

Applying like a madman.

Ice cream for rejects.

Treat! Yo! Self! (Comment your fav Ben & Jerry’s flavor and how many emails you got from clubs you’ll never go to below.)

Week of 9/15


Already papers,

Where have all my friends gone to?

Spiraling in Lau.

Hahahahahahahahahaha nerVouS


The Climate Forum!

Marianne Williamson?

I can’t get to class…

Week of 9/22

First-round interviews.

I want to see my mom now.


~wholesome vibes only~

Week of 9/29

Fifteen hundred words.

Midterm szn already.

When is homecoming?

~un-wholesome but promoting responsible self-care vibes only~

Welp, that’s it.

That’s all I got for now. We hope you got a little love from these poetic nuggets. And, more, we hope you’re just as happy as we are to be back in the *gRoOvE* of the Hilltop.

*NOTE: “gRoOvE” does not mean you have it all together, because you don’t have to!!

The GPB 2019 Spring Concert: A Reflection

In the past ten days, I have witnessed two Resurrections.

With Easter came Jesse McCartney– back rocking a fresh bunny suit and some new kicks.

On April 12, 2019, though, my childhood rose from the dead as two-hit wonder pop icon of the early 2000’s JAY SEAN returned from obscurity for a brief, shining moment to bless the Hoyas and the greater DMV area.

What follows is my gospel–the Gospel of Jon.

Chapter I: The Memoriam

Plato says that the soul has lived thousands of lives before ever entering one’s body. The corollary to this belief is that the soul can remember things it once forgot through questioning.

My question: Who is Jay Sean?

My fellow pilgrims were shocked at this blasphemous inquiry a week before the concert. They were offended and disappointed. But also, merciful. And in that mercy, they started singing “Down,” the holiest of Jay Sean’s psalms.

And so I remembered, sitting in the back seat of my father’s car with the song on repeat on the radio. Gross, sweaty, brace-faced middle schoolers chanting along with the song’s questionable lyrics yet sick, sick beat. A massive billboard on a Philippine superhighway with my cousins asking me if I remembered “all the good times we had.”

Yes, Jay. Yes, I do remember.

Chapter II: The Preparation

We knew the night would be long.

We knew there would be no time to eat or drink before going to McDonough.

So we feasted. We gorged. We consumed the most delicious, delectable items from the Leo J. O’Donovan, S.J. Waterfront Restaurant’s Lower Level Banquet Hall. Homemade cornbread, French patate frites, Chicken Parmesan a la sandwich, fresh tossed salads, handmade ice cream, and the coolest Hi-C Lemonade that poured from its faucet like the nectar of the gods.

It was a shame that it was not Thor’s Day, where one can procure the tenderest of chicken. But, it was not a night for lamentation–only celebration.

I called my father afterwards and told him who I was watching that night. He laughed and started singing “Down.” Truly, a sign that it was to be the evening’s anthem.

Chapter III: The Pilgrimage

After a short rendezvous at Darnall where we prepared by listening to Jay Sean’s greatest hits and those of his finest collaborators (Pitbull, Lil Wayne, etc.) we ventured out on the long (legit, like 12 minutes) trek to McDonough. We saw other pilgrims on the same path, and as we reached the entrance of the parking garage, we received another blessing. After many hot, humid days, a gentle, yet firm, rain alighted upon our merry group, cooling us before the inevitably sweaty mess we were about to enter.

Arriving promptly at 8:45PM, we encountered a long line of pilgrims waiting to enter the holiest of holies. We waited patiently for our admittance, greeting friends new and old and imbuing ourselves with the energy of this place.

We got past the gates, a vendor called to us to purchase merchandise for a “Jesse McCartney.” Who this man was, I could not say. Yet, he seemed like a person who would be caught in his past as a teenage heartthrob, forgetting it had been 20 years and still awkwardly serenading a girl on stage.

But that’s just what I thought.

Anyway, the antechamber to the grander arena of McDonough was laden with free cookies and waters and energy drinks to sustain us for the remainder of the evening. Delighting in these simple pleasures, we reassembled as a group and entered.

Chapter IV: The Return

I had never been to a concert before
I had never been to a concert
I had never been

Strobe lights, like a hundred dawns,
Flashed on the smiling faces of
The pilgrims, like a hundred swans,
Singing, to the heartbeat of the DJ.

Quick, quick, we dove into the night-
Sky of the people, driving ourselves
Into the body of the crowd, closer
To the dais where the DJ stood and
Commanded the energy of a giant room.

Minutes passed, maybe an hour, and then
It was told to us a name: JAY SEAN,
Whispered loudly like a mother in church
To an upset son, bored of pretty things.
But like the son, we first hushed, then,
Like thunder, we roared.

And I remembered.

I generally get uncomfortable in crowds. But, it seemed like I was no longer in a crowd. I was the crowd and not the crowd because I was one thing: Jay Sean. My sole purpose was seeing this 38-year-old British pop icon sing his greatest hits, and he delivered.

He started off with “Bring It Back.” Then, he dropped some hits America has never heard and some new songs the world has never heard. Then, he sang some Punjabi songs, which, legitimately, was the coolest thing I had ever seen. Then, a pause, explaining why he left us for so long: why, Jay Sean, after defining a generation with his awesome music, left. The answer: corporations. I did not dwell on this fact, though. Now was a time to simply enjoy. And we did.

“Down” twice in a row. Magical. Giving the people what they want.

The most fun I’ve had at Georgetown, and to quote my friend, “On a scale of 1-10, I’m Jay Sean.”

Chapter V: The Aftermath

I left early with a friend because we kept getting pushed further and further away from our other friends we came with. Sometimes, it’s good to quit while your ahead.

Walking back, we shared how enjoyable it was and how it was probably the best $5 investment we had ever made. We both agreed that Jay Sean was a really random choice, but his obscurity for the last however-many years made it that much more special. The utter irony of our legitimate excitement for a man of whom we know because of two songs increased our enjoyment exponentially.

It was a blend of nostalgia and genuine interest that made the concert this year so entertaining.

I’m a changed person insofar as it’s the most honest, good time I’ve had in a hot minute.

I just hope that next year GPB can pull it off again.

P.S. Sean Kingston and Jason Derulo. That is all.

Frequently Asked Questions: GAAP Edition

Howdy, Hoyas! It’s that time of year where a whole new horde of Georgetown ~kiddos~ visit campus to play icebreakers and “make friends” they’ll probably never see again!

Yes, friends, it’s GAAP Weekend, and everyone’s gotta work together to lightly pressure these precious-fresh-peeps-to-be to choose the Hilltop as their home for the next four years.

So, it pays to be prepared, which is why 4E has compiled the most Frequently Asked Questions by prospective parents and students so that you, dear reader, can serve Todd Olson and the Georgetown community with dignity and excellence.

Where’s the bathroom?

The fastball of parental inquisitions: simple, but unexpected. Fortunately, we have a professional guide of locations and answers to expedite this awkward exchange.

If you’re around…

Healy: Walk through the middle front doors, turn left, then walk down to the first hall on the right

Lau: Go down one level, face the coffee shop and turn right

ICC: Lol, u don’t wanna go here

Regents: Anywhere near an elevator

Leavey: Facing the bookstore, go left as you enter from Regents

HFSC: Left by the stairs

How’s the food?

Deep breath. Deep breath. Exhale.

Now that your heart rate and the raging impulse to just GO OFF is under control, I want you to think on the bright side of things. While, of course, Leo’s can be underwhelming (especially when it’s a literal 10-minute walk away, @ Henle, Darnall), imagine all the wonderful things that come out from O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront.

Sazon Steak (and Kim Kim!), Chicken Shack, Oreo Ice Cream, Chef Battle(?), Guac, omelettes, Whisk, Choccy Milk, and, of course, ~Chicken Tender Thursdays~.

Not to mention the lovely, lovely photojournalism of @couplesatleos.

I guess you could also bring up Royal Jacket (if you’re an elitist), Einstein’s (if you live in Car Barn), or Epi (if you’re made of money).

But sticking to Leo’s is a solid answer, nonetheless.

Do you have to pay for laundry?

The answer is “yes,” and it’s cheap, and it always works and never shrinks your clothes.

What’s housing like?

Hmph. A toughie, and we all know it. So we’re creating answers based on where you live.

VCW/VCE: You get your own shower!

Vil A: You get a beautiful view

New South: You get a beautiful view

Vil B: Really nice! (All top floor dwellers base your answer on your experience in the hotel)

Copley: The building is ~so pretty~

Arrupe: Heavenly

JesRes: Heaven

Southwest Quad: Big.

Harbin: Bill Clinton lived here!

Henle/Darnall/LXR: No comment

What do you do on the weekends?

Tread lightly, brave Hoya.

Remember the wholesome days of going to the Waterfront or taking a day downtown to explore restaurants and museums. Say that and nothing else. If you haven’t already, repress that Tombs night and recollect some idyllic days.

Let’s get this party started!

April 5-6 and 12-13. Get hyped. Get excited. Get ready to show these brilliant babies what it means to be a Hoya. Do your best to convince them to join our lovely little family, flaws and all.

Get out there and do Bradley proud.

Show ‘em why we, in the words of John Mulaney, “pay $200,000 for a degree for a book we never read!”

Super Bowl LIII Recap

Another Super Bowl has come and gone, and Tom Brady now possesses six of the 20 Rings of Power.

Now, while the wound is still fresh, you may be lamenting another Patriots victory, celebrating the NFL’s most evil team or just following the Brady-Edelman power couple spending their Super Bowl honeymoon in Disney World. (

But for the mournful, the nostalgic or the sports-averse, you may be wondering what happened? Because, for real, what actually happened during the four full hours that game lasted.

So, here’s your 4E recap (from a writer who is utterly ignorant and misinformed) of Super Bowl LIII.

1st Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 0

To be completely honest, I missed the entire first quarter. It seems like the Rams and Pats did, too. Rumor has it, literally nothing happened. Not a single point — not just no touchdowns —but no actual points.

It was like watching an entire soccer game.

2nd Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 3 (Pats)

Again, I missed the first five minutes of the quarter, which, unfortunately, is when stuff happened. I’ve been told that a ball (presumably one made of or used by feet) was kicked into a large yellow goal, awarding three (3) points to the Patriots.

The next 15 minutes were similar to the entirety of the first quarter, so no need to comment there.

What’s worth mentioning is that the commercial game was on point this year.

We had a wonderfully diverse mix this year ranging from the humorous:

To the hype:

The dark:

And the terrifying:

Also, shout out to WaPo for shouting out the journalists of the world. Extremely shocked The Hoya did not make an appearance.


Oh God. Oh dear God.

I think this halftime show violated poetic theory, censorship laws and human rights. We denounce body-shaming in all its forms, but … wow, just wow. Nothing I can write can live up to this hottest take:

There was no THEME. No COHERENCY. All Adam Levine did was bring us back circa 2012 and tease “Sweet Victory” while shoehorning in a bunch of rappers.

Let’s not even mention Mr. Levine’s abjectly disrespectful display of what he thought was dancing.

3rd Quarter

Touchdown Count: 0

Total Points: 6 (Pats 3 – Rams 3)

Rams finally get on the board with a field goal. That sums up the action of the third quarter. So, back to the commercials.

T-Mobile came out swinging with five different spots Sunday night, which you can view here:

While I would go through and dissect each one, I’ll just address the biggest takeaway: The fairly irrelevant phone service company is promising a lot because, according to these ads, by just simply switching over, one can get free tacos and a free Lyft ride on Tuesdays. Bold move, T-Mobile, bold move. Maybe you’ll get four new customers to supplement your existing five.

4th Quarter

Touchdown Count: 1

Total Points: 16 (13 Pats – 3 Rams) -FINAL

One. One touchdown. In a game where the objective and the main mode of scoring is moving the ball down the field into the end zone resulting in a touchdown, there seems to have been a noticeable dearth of them.

And this ONE touchdown wasn’t even exciting. It was just a regular touchdown.

No crazy plays. No insane twists. No creativity. It was football performed in pure theory.  The final plays of the game were essentially the tutorial levels of Madden.

There weren’t even any commercials to save the night.

After four hours, the game just … ended.

The American Pastime?

This was the lowest-scoring Super Bowl in the history of the event.

And while Pats fans are celebrating a well-earned victory (if you have selective memory of the game with the Saints and all the other stuff the Pats have been accused of), Brady’s sixth ring and the dominance of a football dynasty came at the expense of the fundamental purpose of televised sports: entertainment.

The playoffs were marked by some of the most exciting games we’ve ever seen, but the culmination of these nail-biting battles was decidedly lackluster. The “American” part of “American” football was missing Sunday night: the raw, unhindered (oftentimes grimy) sense of competition.

So while we wait for next year’s Super Bowl, with the hopes of seeing a team other than the New England Patriots…

Here’s to basketball!

Awkward Zoom Conference Moments to Avoid this Winter

Happy New Year, Hoyas! Coming back to campus can be hard with a whole new season of classes, clubs and dodging rats, but sometimes the Old Gods of Georgetown feel that pain and grace us with the desperately needed ~snow day~.

That being said, all our joy can be taken away in one fell swoop with killjoy policy of “Instructional Continuity” and its chief agent: the Zoom Conference.

So, while we hope our snow days remain snow days, here are some awkward moments to avoid while using the bootleg version of Google Hangouts.

Sneezing obnoxiously

Folks, for the love of John J. DeGioia, mute your mics if you ain’t talking.

One of the most criminal occurrences while discussing the minutia of literary criticism is getting a front-row seat to an ear-piercing jet stream of mucus. While the winter season can bring us some childlike fun and top-tier snow selfies, everybody gets sick at some point.

Even so, no one wants to see how sick you are.

Eating aggressively front and center

Everyone knows that snow doesn’t just stop classes. It disrupts the whole infrastructure of the well-oiled machine that is Georgetown University. Leo’s can potentially be inaccessible (blessing in disguise??), which means scrounging for whatever leftovers or unhealthy snack foods you have stocked.

Hunger, sickness, cold and laziness all work together to make any meal you have just so gross. Don’t get caught munching on the oddly shaped apple or unnecessarily wet Epi quesadilla.

#BlockDatCam #MuteDatMic

Recording uncomfortable yelling in a public place

Why anyone would want to “Educational Facetime” their History professor in the chaotic throes of HFSC is a mystery to all of us. Overhearing “weekend plans at Vil A” while discussing the Khmer Rouge is definitely one of the most uncomfortable experiences known to man.

Find a quiet place to conduct this most awkward of educational tools and don’t submit your classmates to hearing things they could die, live and die again without ever hearing.

Unexpected roommate entrances

They say that communication is the most important part of any relationship, especially when living with someone.

So, when everyone ends up trapped in the same building for 12+ hours, it’s pretty important to communicate if you have some necessary and graded online conference you need some space for.

If not, one could, let’s say, capture their roommate yelling some obscenity from some song they’re just really into right now. OR, catching them right after they come back from a good ol’ shower.

Both are pretty bad. Trust us.

Having your professor call on you only to realize you joined the call and immediately turned off your camera and mic and left

No one wants to be there. Not even your professor. Literally, everyone involved would rather be doing anything else.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, and, sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. So, don’t get caught ditching, not only by the person who controls your grades, but by all the equally tired and lazy people who are choosing to tough it out.

They will have their revenge.

Not knowing when to talk

Since the birth of modern education, classroom participation has revolved around the “raising of the hand.” But when that fundamental function is robbed from you, how are you supposed to do that thing that counts from 25 to 35 percent of your final grade???

Some have taken to awkwardly jumping in, squeaking out a weird noise, coughing, or just screaming to claim their place.

There’s no solution to this one. Sometimes, you just gotta fight for what’s yours.

Just looking real gross in your dorm

It’s been three days. You stayed up until 4 a.m. for the last four days. You begged for a snow day and got one, but the universe spat on this blessing and gave you a 9 a.m. Zoom Conference for Intensive Spanish.

Not only do you look like Todd Olson after a noise complaint from the Georgetown neighborhood, but you’ve also lost all ability to speak your already rudimentary Spanish, much less the English you though you knew.

You literally haven’t showered in days and your last meal was a milkshake from Epi five hours ago when you went to bed.

Take care of yourselves.


The semester has only just started, and it looks like this winter’s gonna be a long one.

So, while you should try your best to avoid these terribly awkward moments, you should do better and just take care of yourself.

In the end, we’re all just trying to make it to Georgetown Day.

Frequently Asked Questions: Thanksgiving Edition

Hoyas, Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, apple pie: A literal cornucopia of sweet and savory delights awaits you at your family dining table.

(Unless you’re staying here, in which case, Happy Friendsgiving!)

In spite of that thicc feast being prepared at home, one thing poses a threat to the sanctity of Thanksgiving: your family.

Yes, those people whom you may love the most, who have the ability to ruin your short holiday with the annual awkward interrogations about your life away from home.

And so, 4E has prepared this guide to help you navigate those cringeworthy FAQs around the dinner table.

What do you think of Donald Trump?

Oh, damn. Uncle Bob starting off strong.

Politics is bound to come up during the fall feast, and depending on your views, this question could be a real curveball.

No fear, though, because our professionally designed answer is to laugh awkwardly while walking away and saying, “Man, I don’t know.” Make sure to trail off on “know” to feign some “youthful ignorance” to avoid confrontation. Move quickly before your family starts debating immigration over the mashed potatoes.

Do you still go to church?

This one’s for all my people raised with organized religion (looking at you, Catholics) and is the logically awkward follow-up to a political question.

As your aunt plays with her golden cross necklace, you may feel anxiety in answering her inquiry, because, honestly, you don’t. For all those Christian expats out there, you couldn’t even recite the “Our Father” anymore if she asked. TBH, you always just kinda mumbled through that part.

So, to avoid that disappointing revelation to her, just lie and say “yes“.

And, like before, walk promptly away.

What’s your major?  What are your plans after college?

If these two come in sequence, you better be ready, because this one’s the mother of all one-two punches.

We’re actually going to start with the second question, because it’s the easier of the two. Let’s be honest; there are only two acceptable answers: doctor or lawyer. So, no matter what your major is, if you want to avoid a long line of questioning that ultimately leaves you pissed at your stupid cousin you only ever see once a year, just say doctor or lawyer.

By that logic, admit your major honestly and depending on whether it’s a humanity or a science, choose doctor or lawyer accordingly.

And if you do actually want to be a doctor or lawyer, lucky you.

Do you have a [girlfriend/boyfriend/partner]?

Nope. That’s always the answer, because whenever someone asks, you don’t.

Can you help with the dishes?

Alas, the classic parental guilt trap.

Either your father knows you can’t refuse to do a simple favor, or he’s giving too much credit to your turkey-stuffed corpse.

The dilemma lies in that you could never say no and break his heart, but you sure as hell don’t want to say yes.

Therefore, proceed with the most elementary of “avoiding awkward interactions” maneuvers: Walk away like you didn’t hear anything.

And, finally…

When’s the next time we’ll see you?

You’re at the train station, bus stop, airport or whatever means of transportation is taking you back to Georgetown. You’ve had your fill of food and family. You’re ready to go back and be thrown straight into finals prep.

You’re satisfied and holding it together.

Then, your mother throws this one last rock at you.

You smile and reassure her that Christmas is right around the corner, but despite all the ~uncomfiness~ that sometimes comes with seeing your family, you both want it to be sooner.

So, this is the only question we don’t have an answer for, and all we can do is wish you luck in keeping back tears while you start to miss your mom and her cooking.

Let the feast begin!

Go, Hoyas, run! RUN! Go home (if you can) and celebrate Holy Turkey Day! Papers and midterms and projects and WORK have consumed your life for the past two months.

We’ve all earned an extended break.

So, enjoy some real food with the realest people, whether it be your friends or your family.

And, most of all, get some sleep, because we’re all about to lose plenty of it as soon as we come back! :)

Deadliest Places on Campus: A PSA

It is a well-known fact that Georgetown is fraught with traps. Like the city that houses it, the Hilltop was designed to confuse invading armies — a common occurrence for this hallowed fortress.*

Besides the winding streets and myriad hidden halls (Robert E. Lee’s army was actually trapped trying to find a Vil B apartment), the earth itself works to wear down unfamiliar intruders and carefree visitors.

So, whether you attend Georgetown or are just dropping by, here are the deadliest places to walk on campus — these were definitely designed to maim the enemies of the Hilltop and are not just a damning reflection of Georgetown’s crippled facilities management (@JohnJDeGioia).

*The author would like to note that this information is NOT fact-checked.

The Red Brick Ruins

In the Golden Age of Georgetown, just five years hence, when giants dominated the Verizon Center and people feared the yell of “Hoya Saxa,” the ICC was a bustling center of commerce. Merchants from all across the District would flock to show off their finest wares.*

Ever since the dark reign of Julius Tyrannicus the Third (often shortened to JT3), the famed Red Square fell into ruin. Where once marketgoers could barter and feast with nary a worry, citizens must now navigate pockets of missing bricks (see below) and the occasional puddle after a strong storm.

Worse still, there’s now some weird archaeological dig taking place on Copley Lawn, not only releasing some kind of curse but also keeping students from relaxing on that verdant green.

We live in hope of a new age under King Patrick.

*The author would again like to note that this information is based on legends told to him by upperclassmen.

The Henle Crevasse

As a resident of Georgetown’s highest peak (s/o to all my Darnall babes), I am inclined to find all possible entrances to my home that avoid the infamous hill.

Upon my arrival, rumors circulated of a “secret stair” that cut through Henle and circumvented the long path to Darnall, along with the staircase that waits at the very end. I committed myself to uncover Henle’s “Northwest Passage.”

One day, on a night journey back from Healy, there lay a crossroads in my path. Right past Arrupe, there stands a gradually sloping stair that leads into Henle. Ascending the staircase, I ended up in a common outdoor area filled with terrors: An unnecessarily large cutout of Ronald Reagan, a peeking Guy Fieri and some dude smoking a cigarette surrounded me.

I ran up another set of dark stairs in a flight of fright, which led to yet another fork in the road. A path led deeper into Henle, arriving at a pitch-black tunnel. Seeing the side entrance to Darnall through the darkness, I sprinted through…

And caught my foot on this deathtrap:

The Slopes of Darnall

Alternatively, if you’re not out of shape or lazy like me, you could just go up the hill that leads straight to Epi.

But beware, traveller, for this path is still full of dangers!

Approaching the construction site, the air grows dustier, the atmosphere louder. Most terrifyingly, the path grows narrower — just a yard across. Bikes, scooters and a-holes with umbrellas will often rush past you in a series of near misses.

It is also on this path that people don’t know how to walk single file. That makes this 10 times worse:

This little monster (now covered) will catch your foot if you’re not careful. The unexpected drop really does a number on your ankle — and your attitude.

The Uneven Path to O’Donovan Hall

Below the looming shadow of Southwest Quad lies another three-footwide path of poor design. While the sidewalk on the other side of the road near VCW is much larger and better paved, it requires crossing a street with an oddly large amount of traffic.

The risk of the walk below McCarthy is rewarded by a straight-shot to Leo’s.

On the ends, however, lie two deadly snares that could really ruin your day. At the corner, the entire right side of the sidewalk near the bushes is uneven. Because of the uniform texture and color, this slope is barely noticeable.

A similar slope lies near the bench at the end of the walk.

Worst of all, this trouble leads to the greatest deception of them all: that anything in upstairs Leo’s is worth waiting for.*

*The author would like to note that he absolutely stands by this opinion and literally high-fived himself while writing that joke.

The Three Circles of He(a)ll(y)

The Devil’s Three Eyes. The Claws of Copley. DeGioia’s Teeth.

There are three pits at the very outset of the grand road to Lau, where the trash cans are and where there always seems to be some kind of delivery truck.

These holes used to be the base of three poles, which closed off the path for bikes, trucks and scooters. Now, they are simply a death trap for bikes, scooters and pedestrians.

To the unwary eye, these death pits could ruin your foot, your tire or your dignity. Of all the aforementioned traps, these are definitely the greatest existential threat to every single Hoya that goes to Lau.

Mr. DeGioia, fill in these holes.


Maybe I’m clumsy. Maybe my vision is bad. Maybe I walk like a newborn child.

OR maybe, I’m a victim of an obviously deteriorating campus.

I get it: The wonderful people at facilities have more important stuff to do like constantly fixing leaks, floods, black mold breakouts and bathroom lock-INS. BUT even covering it up with a wooden board — like how Adam Sandler covered up Cole Sprouse’s pee in “Big Daddy” — is better than letting people trip.


All gifs from

A Very GUSA Midterm

Fellow Hoyas, this Sunday, Sept. 30, is the fall semester’s GUSA senate election. Flyers plaster the walls, ads spam Facebook feeds and candidates attempt to jump you while looking for votes.

While this time could be met with apathy or even disdain, it remains an  important part of school life. Representation matters! 

Hoya staffers are not permitted to advocate for specific candidates, but it is paramount for the press to report on politics — school or otherwise.

So, without promoting any political position, here are some people you should think about while voting this Sunday.

Abraham Lincoln

This man is an obvious first mention. During the United States’ greatest trial, President Abraham “Lumbermill” Lincoln sought to bring the country together. Balancing his values and his pragmatism, he ultimately rekindled national unity. Known for his supreme storytelling and humility, Lincoln could relate to every man.

Honest Abe is the real deal.

Abigail Adams

It would be a disservice to the second first lady to refer to her simply as “the wife of President John Adams.” Abigail “Equality Now” Adams has much more weight than just being some white guy’s spouse. Adams was, in many respects, incredibly ahead of her time — vocalizing her abhorrence of slavery and demanding that if “all men are created equal,” they should be equally treated as such.

Abigail Adams is nobody’s fool.

Benito Mussolini

Very sharp turn with this one, and not really a problem in student government elections. Still, solid advice: Don’t vote for a fascist, racist maniac like this one.

Writer’s note: This image does not, in fact, show Benito Mussolini, but rather Dwight Schrute’s famous speech from Season 2, Episode 17 of “The Office.”

Conan O’Brien

Anything I write will include Conan O’Brien. A ~Harvard graduate~, Conan displays his wit and intelligence not only through his live comedy but also through his clever and often absurdist writing. Both eloquent and goofy, Conan seldom aggrandizes himself, choosing self-deprecation instead of the typical teasing.

Sit down, be Conan.

Todd Olson, Ph.D.

The beloved vice president for student affairs is the paragon of leadership. Though he spends his life telling us to stop waking up the neighbors, the man really just wants the best for his Hoya-kiddos. Vote for that person who’s just giving their earnest.

It’s time…

With these examples of character in mind, it’s your turn to do some research. As much as it probably pains you, go to all those Facebook pages explaining the GUSA candidates’ platforms. Find someone you trust and respect, whose ideas resonate with what you believe needs to be done. And, absolutely, compare them with historical icons.

But if you end up skipping these elections, please don’t sit out come Nov. 6, the real midterms that have palpable effects on how this country functions. By that time, apathy and cynicism simply aren’t options.

Happy voting!