How to Become a GAAP Weekend Celeb

Dear4E_GAAP

It looks like word of 4E’s wealth of knowledge has spread to the class of 2019. This week we received an email from a senior in high school looking for some advice as he hopes to make the Hilltop his home next year. Seeing as how we’ve all been through this exciting chapter of our lives, we decided to lend this future Hoya a helping hand as he navigates the trials and tribulations of GAAP weekend…

Hey 4E,

I’m currently a senior in high school and was just accepted into Georgetown. Like 90% of other Hoyas I’m from the Dirty Jerz, so it’s safe to say that I think I’ll fit in pretty easily. I also play varsity lacrosse for my high school so I definitely have somewhat of a reputation throughout New Jersey and various parts of the east coast as a total bro. I’m planning on majoring in finance so that I can finally graduate from being a generic high school bro to full on MSBro. Basically, I’m psyched to leave high school behind and move onto the big leagues in college. 

Anyway, my mom is making me go to this GAAP weekend for admitted students in a few weeks and I’m in need of some advice. Everyone knows that Gtown students definitely work hard but for sure play harder. I really want to make a lasting impression during my GAAP weekend so people will still be talking about me when school starts in the fall. How can I make sure that I get an invite to a dope party, and what can I do to crush my GAAP weekend?

— Prescott Sterling III, Beer Pong Extraordinaire 

Dear Prescott Sterling III,

As you’ve probably guessed, GAAP weekend is a pretty big deal. How you act and present yourself throughout its entirety definitely has the potential to dictate how you’ll be spending the greatest four years of your life on the Hilltop. With that being said, securing an invite to a siiiick party and consequentially making a lasting impression is really dependent on several basic criteria.

First off, how you dress will really set the pace for your weekend. Everyone knows that all Georgetown students have incredibly preppy wardrobes, so holding back on your favorite pairs of pastel Vineyard Vines shorts and American flag Chubbies won’t be necessary. Just remember you want to look somewhat put together but still give off the vibe that you’re there for a good time. For real fashion inspiration just take some cues from your dad’s current wardrobe.

The next crucial part of your GAAP weekend that you’ll want to ace is your on campus tour. This will likely be your first opportunity to impress an actual student, so it goes without saying that messing it up will result in you tarnishing your reputation for the next four years. A lot of future Hoyas go into the tours thinking, “Wow, I can’t wait to ask questions about all the neat study spots on campus!” Clearly they’re not doing it right. You want to make an impression on your tour guide, so what better way to do so than by asking some hard-hitting questions? Make sure to ask your tour guide about things like the easiest route to Brown House and the chill to pull ratio of the various frats on campus. Showing your tour guide how cool you are will likely lead to an exclusive party invite, which leads to our next criteria.

After acing your tour and scoring a party invite you’ll be faced with the ultimate challenge: your first college party. Initially you’ll want to blend in with all of the Georgetown students. In order to do so mention relevant things like how bummed you are that Chief Ike’s Mambo Room just closed. The upperclassmen will totally be impressed with how much you already know about D.C. nightlife so you’ll likely earn their respect quickly. Next, after you establish yourself as a real Georgetown bro, you’ll want to up the ante by separating yourself from the run of the mill college students. This step requires some planning as you’ll need to remember to bring your own ping pong balls in order for it to work. Every time you pass a group playing beer pong obnoxiously scream “CELEB SHOT” before using your own pong ball to make a sweet shot. If anyone challenges your actions just flip the table, it’s a total power move.

All in all, if you follow these guidelines you’ll be guaranteed to have the greatest GAAP weekend of your life. You’ll likely create a reputation for yourself before you even arrive on campus in the fall. Legen-wait for it-dary.

Much Respect,

4E

Photos/Gifs: gifilike.com, imgur.com, https://honors.utah.edu/

Breaking News: You Can Now Have an Invisible Boyfriend!

boyfriendwanted

As the semester starts to wind down, your chance of finding love on the Hilltop is beginning to diminish. Long gone are the days of locking eyes with your future Hoya hubby from across the bar at Rhino. Furthermore, with the impending doom of finals you only have a few weeks to make a move on your econ crush before your days are confined to a lonely Lau cubicle. Realistically speaking, your chances of finding that special someone are pretty slim.

While this all may sound pretty depressing, 4E is here to lessen your despair with a pretty huge announcement. As we’ve seen with the creation of various groundbreaking dating apps, like Tinder and Cuddlr, conventional relationships really don’t exist anymore. It’s 2015, so who says you even need a real significant other to be in a relationship…right? Invisible Boyfriend, a new app still in its beta stages, is attempting to break down even more dating barriers by offering you a relationship with “a boyfriend your friends can believe in!”

Don’t have time for a real relationship? No problem, because your invisible boyfriend always works to accommodate your busy schedule! Invisible Boyfriend makes the relationship all about you as it aims to give you “real-world and social proof that you’re in a relationship – even if you’re not!” Forget the days of incessant relationship questions from friends and family members, because you’ll now have texts to prove that you won’t end up as a future cat lady! Disclaimer: 4E can’t actually guarantee that you won’t be a cat lady.  

Signing up for your own invisible boyfriend is easy. Just head over to www.invisibleboyfriend.com and begin filling out your dream guy’s profile. You’ll have the ability to pick out everything from his name to his personality type. With Invisible Boyfriend, you have the control to make a guy that even Taylor Swift couldn’t write a song about!

The app also lets you create a background story for how you two met, which eliminates awkward story gaps that you may otherwise experience with a Tinder match. Make sure to include your real address as well, so that you’ll receive your handwritten postcard from your new significant other. Your relationship will soon seem so real, you won’t even remember it’s fake!

Photos/Gifs: imgur.com’ bopandtigerbeat.com; nymag.com

Breaking News: AP U.S. History is Un-American

APUSH

As a college student, you likely find yourself fairly removed from the high school scene. Your days are no longer plagued with mystery meals from your school cafeteria, lockers you can’t remember the combination to and, of course, AP courses. While all of these things may seem like a distant memory, they unfortunately still exist. Well, at least for now.

Recently, politicians in Oklahoma have been pushing to put a ban on AP U.S. history classes. They have deemed the course unpatriotic as it portrays America in a negative light. At the forefront of the crusade against the College Board is House Representative, Dan Fisher, who does not support the AP course because it teaches students “what is bad about America”. As any true patriot knows, America has never been at fault in the course of its history so naturally any class that claims otherwise is just plain wrong.

Representative Fisher is obviously the embodiment of patriotism as he understands the importance of preventing high school students from receiving a comprehensive education on American history. After his great reform, the only Trail of Tears students will know about is their own as they cry over their pitiful AP scores! While 4E loves Representative Fisher’s initiative, we would like to encourage him to consider restructuring other AP courses that are clearly pushing anti-American agendas as well.

Here are the top five AP courses Oklahoma needs to ban:

AP Spanish/French/Italian/Etc.: Do you know what America’s official national language is? Trick question, America doesn’t actually have an official language. Ever wonder why? Well, it’s probably because it goes without saying that it’s English. Therefore learning and speaking any language other than English isn’t necessary and shouldn’t be allowed.

AP Biology: For those of you who took this class, you may recall learning a thing or two about modern day genetics. What you may not recall is that the founder of modern day genetics is none other than Gregor Mendel. Why exactly does this matter? Well, he was Austrian and not American. Any course that stresses the contribution of someone who is not American must not support this country’s ideals. I’m sure there are plenty of great American geneticists students should be learning about instead.

AP Calculus: While Calculus was invented by Isaac Newton and Gottfried Leibniz, neither of whom are American, it should be banned for another, more pressing issue. At its core, AP calculus involves subjecting students to torture as they are forced to derive and integrate functions for hours at a time. This clearly isn’t American, and definitely should not be allowed in schools.

AP Psychology: A lot of AP psychology curriculums focus on the contributions of Sigmund Freud and Ivan Pavlov. While these psychologists may have made a few minor discoveries, their work shouldn’t overshadow that of great American psychologists like Stanley Milgram! Milgram’s work may not have been completely ethical, but if that part is just left out of the text then it never happened, right?

AP European History: This really shouldn’t even need an explanation. If students will no longer have the option to take AP U.S. history then taking its European equivalent is completely out of the question because ‘MURICA.

Thanks to the Washington Post for notifying us of this serious American issue.

Photos/ Gifs: tumblr.com; alan.com

A Guide to Crushing Valentine’s Day

college-advice

It seems as though 4E is starting to get somewhat of a reputation as being a highly regarded dating guru. After addressing the issue of what a DFMO entails, emails began pouring in from lovestruck Hoyas across campus begging for some words of wisdom.

We recently received an email from yet another freshman in need of some help with his dating debacle. With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, we decided to lend him a helping hand and offer him a logical solution to his problem.

Hey 4E,

I saw your article a few weeks ago where you gave some pretty great dating advice, so I figured I’d give it a shot and ask for your opinion. There’s a girl who lives on my floor in New South, I’ll call her Sarah, and she’s pretty chill. She was in my ethics discussion last semester, but I was way too nervous to talk to her. Instead I just pretended to ignore her anytime she said hi to me in passing because I definitely didn’t want her to think I was too into her. I mean it’s all in the subtlety, right?

Anyway, I decided over winter break that I needed to make my move with Sarah this semester. The other day I ran into her in the hall on my way to the showers. Even though I was wearing a towel and carrying a shower caddy, I knew this was my time to shine. As I passed her I just blurted out “Hey Sarah, we should do something Saturday night.” She seemed kind of surprised, but it was casual because she agreed to hangout.  

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m really psyched Sarah wants to hangout this Saturday, but apparently that’s also Valentine’s Day. I’m not really into celebrating that holiday and I definitely have no clue what she’s expecting. My question for you, 4E, is how can I crush the Valentine’s Day game and really impress Sarah?

— Helpless in New South

Dear Helpless in New South,

Let me preface my advice with a question: what’s one thing all freshmen have in common? An eternal love for meal plans, of course! That’s why you should definitely make the most of yours by planning a special Valentine’s Day date at O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront. I mean nothing says romance quite like the sound of a dinging bell while someone screams “COME GET YOUR OMELETTE”, right? Right. Plus Sarah will be completely impressed with your ingenuity and regard for creative date ideas.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking, what could possibly be so great about Leo’s on Valentine’s Day? Well, a lot. Especially if you’re willing to put in the extra effort to make it a truly memorable dining experience. Just follow these simple guidelines and you’re sure to have the best Valentine’s Day ever!

When you get to Leo’s you may be tempted to offer to swipe Sarah in. DON’T DO IT. Seriously, it’s a huge trap. Today’s dating conventions are all about empowering everyone because #YesAllWomen (and more importantly, #YesAllMealPlans…gotta use those swipes somehow). After you swipe yourself in just start walking into Leo’s, she’ll get the idea and really appreciate how much you value her independence.

Next, find an extremely large table upstairs and commandeer it for your date. Pull a  tablecloth and some candles out of your backpack to help create some ambiance. Trust me, it’ll be totally effective. Insist that you each sit on opposite ends of the massive table and speak loudly the entire time to ensure that she can hear you. If she questions this seating arrangement, let her know it’s because it makes it easier to stare into her eyes.

Ask her what she wants to eat and tell her you’ll go get it for her. This will make her think you’re considerate. Completely ignore whatever request she makes and concoct the most disgusting mix of foods you can find. This will make her think you’re spontaneous. Continue to creepily stare at her as you eat as quickly as possible, and when you’re finished get up and leave. You’ll establish a sense of mystery which Sarah will definitely find intriguing, it’ll leave her wanting more. You’ll inevitably leave Leo’s thinking your date went so well that love must be in the air (fair warning: it’s actually Leo’s lingering scent).

Love 4Ever,

4E

Disclaimer: This article also does not express the views of any freshmen. The advice is still valid though.

Photos/Gifs: imgur.com; https://the-toast.net/

DFMO or Dating?

datingadvice

We here at 4E excel at a few things… like channeling our inner Beyoncé, partaking in debauchery and giving dating advice, allegedly.

Word of that last area of expertise seems to have reached our readers, as we received a letter from a seemingly distressed freshman in desperate need of our guidance. Hopefully our response will be enough to help her navigate the many trials and tribulations of being a freshman looking for l-o-v-e, love.

Hey 4E,

I’m writing to you because I need your advice, like really badly. So there was this guy, let’s just call him “Steve”, in my Problem of God class last semester who I totally liked. He definitely looked like Bradley Cooper combined with Ryan Reynolds, but he was also super sensitive like Ryan Gosling. Anyway, I think he was super into me too because he used to sit next to me in class every time we had a reading quiz. I’m pretty sure he really wanted to talk to me, but he was definitely just too shy to make a move.

So fast forward to last weekend. I decided to go out with about 15 of my closest friends because we heard this crazy party was going on at Brown House. We made sure to get there around 10:30 p.m. so we could get in before it got way too crowded. All 15 of us got in no problem though because my roommate’s sister’s friend was the bouncer and was totally psyched to see us at his party. The party was so much fun and so #college that I had to document as much of it as I possibly could on my SnapChat story. I was trying to take a selfie with all my friends (should have brought my selfie stick, rookie mistake) when I saw Steve across the room. “Shake It Off” started playing, and I knew this was my chance. Long story short, things got super crazy because Steve and I totally DFMO’ed at Brown House!

Now, here’s my problem. I’m really into Steve and clearly he’s really into me, what should I do?! I just feel like we need to talk about what happened and define this relationship. My friends think I’m overreacting to this DFMO, but I think Steve could be the one … especially because my tour guide told me 60% of Hoyas marry other Hoyas.

Please help me 4E!

Lovestruck Freshman

Dear Lovestruck Freshman,

First off, your friends are obviously crazy because you’re definitely not overreacting! In fact, you might even be under-reacting. If you really think Steve could be the one, then you’ll definitely want to define things before he finds another girl to DFMO with next weekend.

There’s a few things you can do to ensure that your relationship is defined before it gets to that point. First off, I suggest you send him a Facebook relationship request as soon as you can. Nothing clears up ambiguity quite like this direct approach, plus Steve will really appreciate your willingness to take control of the situation.

While you wait for him to inevitably accept your request you should take it upon yourself to stalk him on every form of social media back to 2007. Bonus points if you can find his old MySpace page! You’ll want to know everything you possibly can about Steve to prove just how dedicated you are to making this relationship work. Try not to get jealous when you see old posts about his 7th grade girlfriend, she was so 2008 anyway. Next, figure out which dorm Steve lives in and where he has class so you can casually wait around for him and ask why he hasn’t responded to your Facebook relationship request. Let him know that you really want to clear things up regarding your Brown House DFMO and make sure he knows that you really see a future for the two of you.

If this approach doesn’t work and Steve ends up thinking that you are certifiably insane, then he obviously isn’t worth your time. Go ahead and cry over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, because they’re the only boys you need in your life anyway!

Love forever,

4E

Snooki_hair_flip

Disclaimer: This letter is entirely fictional and does not reflect the views of any Georgetown freshman. Also, we’re really bad at giving advice.

Photo/Gif: imgur.com; affordablepsychicreadings.com

How to Survive Awkward Family Parties

Otis copy2

The holiday season is always the perfect time of year to lounge around binge-watching Netflix, take advantage of home cooked meals and attend as many family holiday parties as can be jammed into three weeks.

What? That last one doesn’t sound too fun.

Admittedly, family parties this time of year can be stressful, as you’ll likely find yourself deflecting questions left and right about your major and life plans from relatives you didn’t even know existed.

The worst thing you can possibly do in such a situation is be unprepared. If you find yourself stumbling over your words as you try and tell your Uncle Jim about Georgetown’s social scene, then you may want to keep reading as 4E presents the best ways to answer relatives’ awkward questions this holiday season.

Imagine this: you’re at a family party, minding your own business, sipping on some non-alcoholic eggnog and enjoying a festive holiday cookie.

Things are going pretty well, you’ve made some rounds and managed to avoid any super uncomfortable encounters so far. You feel like you’re in the clear when all of a sudden you hear your name being called loudly from across the room. Your palms begin to sweat as you slowly turn and see your mom’s third cousin twice removed wildly waving her arms in an attempt to flag you down. Sheer terror crosses your face as you realize it’s too late, she’s spotted you.  After a customary awkward greeting the interrogation begins…

You know, when I was your age, I was already engaged. Any prospects for you?

Yeah, I’m really hitting things off with [insert roommate’s name here]. We’re basically inseparable, so inseparable that we’re living together. We have a lot of the same interests, I mean we both agree that sloths are really weird animals. Plus, no one understands my eternal love of Eat & Joy pizza after a really late night quite like my roomie. I really think I’m in this one for the long haul!

Have you decided on a major yet? You don’t really have a lot of time left to decide!

I’m actually more of a free spirit so I don’t really think it’s necessary to make such definitive plans. I’ll just go with the direction of the wind and see where I end up. Nothing is really permanent anyway. You should understand where I’m coming from, right? Weren’t you at Woodstock?

How’s the social scene? I remember all my crazy times back in college!

When I’m not in the library studying, I sit quietly in my room all day waiting for my professors to assign more work. There’s really no time to be crazy in college anymore these days, things must have really changed…

So do you know what you plan on doing after graduation?

Yup, I know exactly what I’m going to be doing. After finding the cure for cancer, I plan on personally building a spaceship to take me to Mars. I’ll then use my new spaceship to get off of this planet in order to avoid any future awkward encounters with you. And hey, if this plan ever fails, I’ve always got my parents’ basement as a backup!

[Insert any question that takes you by surprise].

Quickly shove as many holiday cookies as possible into your mouth and start mumbling a response.  Pretend to choke on the cookies so you can quickly excuse yourself and hide for the remainder of the party. 

Best of luck this holiday season, Hoyas!

Photos/Gifs: survivingcollege.com, howlatthemoon.com, tumblr.com; kanyetothe.com

Last Minute Christmas Shopping

Bookstore Shopping

Between pulling all-nighters on Lau 2 this past week and complaining about how much work you have to do, you may find yourself a little pressed for time for holiday shopping.  Perhaps you’ve even forgotten all about the upcoming festivities after spending hours in an isolated little cubicle in the depths of our soul-crushing library.  If you’re suddenly finding yourself in a gift-less state of distress thinking, “But what will I get Uncle Jim?!”, then you may want to continue reading.

We’ve gone over some nice ideas for absurd holiday gifts, but if you’re looking for something Hoya-themed, forget googling perfect gift ideas for middle-aged uncles and instead pull up the Georgetown University Bookstore website.  They’ve got some pretty great gift options this holiday season, so you’re sure to find something for everyone on your list!  The bookstore has an overwhelming number of possibilities, so 4E decided to put together a list of their most versatile and useful options.

  1. Hoyas Basketball Gnome: Maybe you’re shopping for a family member who’s really into supporting the Hoyas on the court and also happens to value fine lawn decor?  This lawn gnome could really bring that WOW factor to a yard.  Pretty much anyone on your gift list would be lucky to receive such a treasure.
  2. Serenity Teapot: Looking for a gift for a particularly calming person?  In that case look no further and consider your holiday shopping done. Nothing brings tranquility quite like this Serenity Teapot… plus it holds 24 oz of tea!
  3. Georgetown Nutcracker: Nothing screams “Tis’ the season!” quite like Nutcrackers.  But this isn’t just any Nutcracker, no, this one is Georgetown themed!  Can you think of anything that more perfectly combines a love of the holidays and Georgetown?!  We can’t…

  4. Georgetown Hoyas Frisbee:  Everyone love playing frisbee, right?  Well, maybe.  But we’re sure that your younger cousin would be really excited to get a gift like this!
  5. Life-Sized Jack the Bulldog Statue: You’ve probably seen this statue just sitting in the middle of the bookstore and thought to yourself, “Hey what’s Jack doing here?!”.  Upon closer examination you probably realized that it was actually just a freakishly life-like statue and not the real bulldog.  But it’s pretty close to the real deal, so why not get it for your animal loving friend?  With a price tag of $500 it’s definitely worth every penny.

As you can clearly see, the bookstore should be your one stop shopping spot this year.  Feel free to peruse the site because there really wasn’t enough room in this post to include all of their fantastic options (plus it’s a great way to procrastinate even more for that managerial accounting final).  Happy Holidays, Hoyas, and remember when all else fails…

Photos: twimg.com, bkstr.com/georgetownstore, bookstorejobs.com; Gif: reactiongifs.com 

A Guide to Holiday Breakups

winterbreakups

As the New Year approaches, you may want to start considering some potential resolutions for 2015. Perhaps you want to stop taking Buzzfeed quizzes or going on Netflix binges when you really should be cramming for that Econ exam tomorrow. Or maybe you really feel like you need to shed some dead weight (either figuratively or literally).

If you opt for the latter resolution, and interpret it in a more metaphorical rather than literal sense, then 4E is here to lend you a helping hand as we present the top 5 ways to breakup with your significant other this holiday season.

  1. The “I got rabies from a reindeer” Text: Shoot your significant other a text informing them that you have recently contracted rabies as you were bit by a wandering reindeer on campus and are no longer able to be involved in the relationship. Make sure you emphasize that it’s not them, it’s really you and your foaming mouth that’s ending things. You’ll seem super considerate for taking on all of the blame for your relationship woes, which your soon to be ex will surely appreciate.
          
  2. Choreographed Dance to “Let It Go”:  It’s a known fact that everyone loves the element of surprise, especially when it comes to a relationship. So why not make the end of your relationship the biggest surprise of all? Choreograph an entire routine to “Let It Go” with the help of some background dancers, just like all the proposal videos you’ve inevitably watched on Youtube. You can think of it as your anti-proposal for your soon-to-be-ex. This option is a great way to prove just how thoughtful and creative you are, as you put so much effort into your breakup.
  3. Anti-Pickup Line Candy Gram:  Since it’s the holiday season, a lot of groups are selling candy grams all over campus. Swing by one of their stands and purchase one for your significant other. Make sure to include some sort of cheesy anti-pickup line so they know that isn’t your average holiday-themed candy gram.  We recommend something along the lines of “Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?”. While the sting of rejection might hurt, the candy they’ll receive with your witty note is sure to dull the pain!
  4. Christmas Song Themed Letter: Nothing gets you in the holiday spirit quite like some Christmas carols! Sprinkle some of your favorite lyrics into a traditional breakup letter and you’ll end up with the most festive approach of all. Some lyrical suggestions include: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas without you” or “Joy to the world, my freedom from you has come”. Make sure to sign the letter with “Have a holly, jolly Christmas!” so they know that you don’t want any hard feelings to exist!
  5. The “I’m Moving to the North Pole” Convo: When all else fails meet up with your significant other in person and inform them that you are moving to the North Pole to fulfill your lifelong goal of becoming Buddy the Elf. Invest in an elf costume and continually quote the legendary movie throughout your conversation so it seems like you’re being genuine. When your former girlfriend/boyfriend refuses to believe you, pretend to receive a very important phone call and answer by saying “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” as you slowly back away and fade out of their life…

It is beginning to look a lot like freedom. And may all your breakups be merry and brief.

Gifs: tumblr.com, reactiongifs.us

Photo: https://images.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_600/631_holiday-break-ups-1055439-flash.jpg 

Francesca’s Is Coming to M Street

francescas

Sick of your current Georgetown wardrobe? Feel like updating your style with the changing of seasons? Looking for the right statement necklace to compliment your dress for the formal you’ll inevitably attend?

Well then you might want to brace yourself and your wallet, because Francesca’s is opening up a new store on M Street. Just in case you can’t tell from the gif inserted below, 4E is pretty excited about this news!

That’s right Hoyas, the Houston-based women’s boutique is coming to Georgetown in early 2015, providing you with just another perfect excuse to drain your bank account (as if there weren’t enough already).

The store carries an array of affordably priced clothes, handbags, shoes and accessories perfect for any trendy student’s closet. Francesca’s aims to provide its customers with fashionable options at lower prices in comparison to other upper-end retailers already on M Street. Finally, the perfect place for the fashion forward college student: cute clothes and low prices. You know what that means?  More money to spend on coffee and food. YES.

The brand has been working on making a greater presence in the district, as it has opened shops in many of the major shopping malls. While you’ll have to wait until next year to conveniently shop at the brand’s M Street location, you can peruse the Francesca’s website for a little fashion inspiration and holiday shopping (for yourself, obviously).

Francesca’s also has some great gift options and a ton of online as well as in-store promotions and clearance items. The holiday season is truly upon us.

Happy shopping, Hoyas!

Thanks to Biz Journals for this amazing discovery.

Gifs: tumblr.com; Photos: https://www.turkeycreek.com/businesslisting/francescas-collection/; https://www.panoramio.com/photo/16824744

5 Snapchats You Definitely Got This Weekend

Weekend Snapchats

Picture this. It’s Sunday morning and find yourself waking up bright and early rolling out of bed around 11:30 a.m. with a pounding headache. Your Brita pitcher is all the way across the room in your fridge, which is obviously too difficult to get to, so you get back in bed and reach for your phone. It’s 5% charged, so naturally you use your dwindling battery power to check out your snaps and see what everyone else was up to last night. Here’s what you’re most likely to see:

  1. Unintelligibly Screaming Girls:  You have absolutely no idea what these girls are all screaming about, but they clearly seem pretty distressed. Was there a spider? Did Starbucks suddenly stop serving their specialty holiday drinks? Oh wait, they might just be attempting to sing “Blank Space” at the top of their lungs and horribly off-key. Either way, it’s too early for this much noise so you skip to the next snap before your eardrums burst.
  2. With Bae: What exactly is bae? Sometimes it’s a significant other and sometimes it’s Eat & Joy pizza, it all depends on who you ask. This snap with either remind you just how single you are or — more realistically — how quickly you could devour an entire pizza at the moment.
  3. #SoCollege: Some people just want to remind you that they’re in college, you know in case you forgot or something? That’s why they take every opportunity they can to document the #mostcollege things they see to send you over Snapchat. Vat of mystery punch? Crowded Village B dance party? Casual DFMO at Brown House? Basically the epitome of #College.
  4. “Havingtoook mcjh funnn”: This Snap will most likely be a selfie of someone who looks like they’ve been having a little too much fun all night long. You’ll crack a smile when you see this one and give yourself a little pat on the back because you’re probably having a better morning than this friend.
  5. Netflix Night: You’ll open this Snap and instantly dislike whoever sent it to you. While your friend may have captioned it “Night in!”, they might as well have written “Haha hope that headache doesn’t last all day!”. Forget about giving yourself a pat on the back as this snap serves as a reminder that you still have to write two essays and study for three midterms.

After looking through a few of the Snaps you received, your phone dies so you decide to crawl back under the covers. Waking up before noon is too difficult anyway …

Gifs: tumblr.com; Photo: thoughtcatalog.com