Senior Year: A List of Grievances

Hey y’all … we’re back. 

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BLOG is BACK, and who else is writing our first in-person article but 4E’s TWO most washed-up seniors. Yes, that’s write (hahaha get it), it’s Jon and Abby (old friends, with older grudges) innovating Blog content by co-authoring an article. How ~exciting~.

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And what more exciting content could we produce than a classy, stately, eloquent and articulate list of grievances our dusty senior butts have about Todd Olson’s former place of employment.

So, here we go. Take it away, Ab.

The Empty Quiet Pit that is now Lau 2

So the other day, in a moment driven by pure nostalgia, I took the long two-minute trek from my townhouse to Lauinger Library, excited to grab a table to work on my thesis while drinking a medium Iced Les Mis with Skim from Midnight MUG. I bounded down the stairs, and after gazing upon the iconic Van Gogh mural, I knew I was home. But as I opened the doors to my personal haven of Lau 2, I stopped short. Something was wrong. Very very wrong.

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Now, I’m the type of gal who enjoys some good background noise and the welcome distraction of friends two seats away as she types the night away, so Lau 2 is the perfect Lau floor for my extroverted self. However, on that fateful September afternoon, the second floor of Lauinger Library was dead silent.  

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I tried taking my AirPods out; maybe I was on noise-cancellation mode! That had to be it. Nope, still as quiet as Lau 5 during finals week. Did I suddenly come down with an ear infection? Maybe I walked in on a silent protest? Nope and nope. My worst fears were realized: Lau 2 has lost its beloved social culture.

I tiptoed over to an empty cubicle, opened my laptop, then immediately shut it. I walked out of Lau and never looked back. Hopefully once Midnight Mug opens on Sept. 19, Lau 2 will rise from the ashes. But until then, I’ll be studying in the comfort of my living room, the comfortable noise from my roommates giving me a taste of the Lau 2 I so dearly miss.

HFSC: Help, Forsaken Study Corner

As long as we’re talking about lost study loves, let’s light a candle for the HFSC. Truly a feat of Georgetown architecture and engineering, the HFSC boasted high ceilings, ivied walls and a true view of Rosslyn and the Potomac. Well … it still has all that, but only for the people who work check-in and testing at OneMedical’s premier pick-your-nose-a-thon.

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Every time I walk-in to get a test (please get tested) I reminisce about the Georgetown Program Board Sunday Sundaes, the study rooms where you would have to awkwardly poke your head in to see if they were empty, and the overpriced, half-made avocado toast from Hilltoss that would STILL taste so freaking good.

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Also, like, Bulldog Tavern? Remember when that was a thing? Remember (legally) buying alcohol not 100 feet away from Leo’s? Yes, yes I do … and it was very weird.

But, alas, for now, goodbye to all that — the piano rooms and dance studios and film bros walking out of the screening room after watching “Seventh Seal” for the first time. We miss you HFSC, please come back to us. (Seriously, logistically speaking, I feel like we could just move all testing to the ballroom site and reopen another place to study to reduce, idk, crowd sizes everywhere else?)

 Epicurean’s New Ordering System

On the opposite side of campus, there’ve been plenty of ~weird vibes~ too. I lived in Darnall during the 2018-19 school year, so I’m very familiar with and a huge fan of Epi. After they changed their quesadillas during the fall of 2019, my loyalty wavered, but I soon got over it to enjoy many nights chilling in one of their many booths.  

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Now, imagine my surprise when I tried to place an order, and I just … didn’t know how to. I couldn’t edit my order to include or remove items (come through allergen inclusivity!), I couldn’t find my order number, and I couldn’t even swipe my GOCard! I didn’t feel at all qualified to be a senior at that moment, holding up the slowly growing line of first-years behind me.  

Grubhub

The solution to your issue, dear Abby, is the family-owned and -operated small business application that is Tapingo-Grubhub. If only you were resourceful enough, you would know that it only takes eight minutes for any Grubhub location to prepare your order and, as they say, “skip the line”

… unless Georgetown has done a terrible job instituting any of their new “time-saving,” “crowd-controlling” methods, which has consequently left students unfed or in COVID-19-compromising situations and the food workers grossly overworked.

Georgetown should stick to foreign service, rather than integrating apps into campus life.
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But, sure, yeah, I can order my wet 5Spice and lukewarm Sazon and skip the line and also my social anxiety (maybe).

Mobile GOCards

I mean, Jon, Georgetown has done a great job utilizing popular technology! Take the ~innovation~ of the Mobile GOCard! Dead phones and inherent class issues associated with owning Apple products aside, students can now conveniently get into any building with a simple tap!

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When I arrived to the Hilltop for senior year, phone in hand, I was ready to add my GOCard to my Apple Wallet. App downloaded, information uploaded, and … nothing. My app refused to work; I needed to pay a visit to the UIS desk in the bookstore because I had an unusable GOCard and Flex dollars that needed to be spent.

As a proud student of Georgetown’s School of Nursing and Health Studies (not to be confused with Georgetown’s School of Health), the worker informed me that I did not get an online GOCard, but I do get a fancy new physical one that taps. Honestly, it’s kind of great (and the updated expiration date for five years from now comes in clutch with those student discounts) … but the odd lack of communication on Georgetown’s end was not.  

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New First-Year Dorms

Ahem …“Oh, I’ve been waiting for this one!”

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Besides the strange and awkward communication about online GoCards, the most bewildering decision Georgetown has made in the transition back to in-person activities has been the exciting switch-up of the freshmen dorms. New South? Check. Harbin? Check. Darnall? Check PLUS (here’s my D1 pride). Copley?

COPLEY?

COPLEY?!?!?!?!

MAGGIE FOUBERG FOR THE HOYA

Now, back in our day Copley wasn’t the *best* housing. It was old, carpeted, humid, and, honestly a little smelly. To be honest, the elevator is still kinda a death trap. But, I was a community assistant on the Summer Hilltop Immersion Program during the summer, and, lemme tell you, Copley was convenient, clean, and cool … and definitely not for first-years.

Of gaslight/gatekeep/girlboss, I’m definitely gatekeep and I’m definitely invoking that now to say that, while everyone deserves good, clean housing, Copley should be for sophomores. Period. That being said, VCE and VCW ARE looking good now after all the renovations.

The Verdict

Georgetown has become a very different place over the last year and a half. In some good ways (hardwood floors), some bad (lmao club application season), and some ways we genuinely can’t explain (what the actual hell is a caprese sandwich? I only know her as Tomato Mozz).

That all said, it’s good to be back in whatever capacity, so take all our complaints with a grain of salt (except for the one about Lau, please, for the love of Todd, be LOUD). In conclusion, we are old and just trying to catch up with these weird, weird times.

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Georgetown, Please Offer Better Electives

Finals season may be upon us, but our fall classes are right around the corner, and hopefully, next semester won’t be over Zoom! While Georgetown students have just registered, it’s clear there needs to be a revision of the schedule of classes.

“United States Political Systems?” “Problem of God?” Boring.

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Georgetown clearly needs to spice up its academic roster, and we at the 4E have some suggestions for new classes that are sure to make students cry on registration day when they realize that there are no spots left.

Me, when the entry-level history course I need to take to graduate on time filled up because all of the spaces are reserved for first-years.
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THEO 666: Cats and Satanism

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The Blue and Gray Tour Guide Society has been complaining that “Dogs and Theology” — which is a real class that I took in fall 2019, shoutout to Father Steck — has not been a compelling enough draw to get prospective students to attend Georgetown. The administration should respond to this with another whammy of a theology-requirement-fulfilling class, by offering the exact opposite. What could be more enticing than a class on Satanism and cats offered by a Jesuit school with a dog mascot? It’s perfect!

MARK 019: Rebranding After a Deadly Pandemic Takes Your Company’s Name

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The unprecedented events of the last year led to one unexpected consequence: a fall in the sale and halted production of Corona beer. How can a company bounce back from such a disastrous naming coincidence? Only the MSBros can find the true answer in this tantalizing class.

INAF 101: Devil’s Advocacy

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This class would be perfect for carefully cultivating Georgetown’s next generation of “Devil’s Advocates!” You know the type: a Pocket Constitution always on hand, always saying that “both sides are to blame,” and always on the lookout for their newest ~victim~ to engage in an unwilling debate.

BIOL 069: The Jesuit Identity and Your Body

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This class, cross-referenced with theology, will explore the relationship between Georgetown’s Jesuit Values and your ~body~ (think: “the birds and the bees,” but if taught by Father Carnes)! With course modules featuring “Hoya No Sex-a” and “How to Use Bathroom Doors as a Propaganda Tool,” this class is sure to hit the perfect balance of scandal and intrigue.

CHEM 411: Mixology

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What could be more scientific than experimenting with delicious drink combinations? This upper-level chemistry elective would be perfect for fulfilling Georgetown’s Science for All core requirement and for ensuring that the Village A rooftop has more to offer (21+) Hoyas than lukewarm Natty Lite. Plus, if your career in consulting doesn’t work out, this class would give a great backup plan for graduation!

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Hopefully this refresh on Georgetown’s course offerings will make our undergraduate population much happier! Keep that GPA up, Hoyas!

Header Image: GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY

‘drivers license’ But Make It Georgetown

Olivia Rodrigo’s hit song “drivers license” has exactly what every catchy pop song needs: a relatable message. The theme of the song, about a teenage girl’s first real heartbreak, has made it a featured staple on heartbreak playlists everywhere.

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Joshua Bassett said FOREVER and now she’s driving ALONE past his street. How can you not get teary eyed?

But, as I listened to this absolute bop for what must be the hundredth time, I thought, you know what could make this more relatable? Adding a little Georgetown ~spice~ of course! Here are some of my ideas for a “drivers license” Georgetown Remix (feat. Bob Groves)

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Real image of Jack the Bulldog on his way to Joshua Bassett’s house.

I got my … last week

New GOCard

Just like your driver’s license, GOCards are essential to the Georgetown student experience, from literally opening doors to laughing at your friends’ awkward pictures. But did anyone else go through the sheer panic of losing their official Georgetown One Card five minutes into the first day of classes their first year? No? Just me?

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Me running through the ICC hallways trying to find my GOCard

Condoms From the H*yas For Choice Leavey Center Table

Georgetown, being a Jesuit institution, doesn’t *ahem* promote safe sex practices. But where Georgetown fails to provide, student advocacy steps in! If your date over Chick-fil-A nuggets goes well, you can stop by the HFSC table and grab some free condoms! Just make sure that your partner is 1) consenting and 2) not going to break your heart just like Josh broke Olivia’s.

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Fake Chipotle from Sazón

Ah, Leo J. O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront, serving Hoyas fresh (?) and nutritious (???) meals since 2003. While Leo’s may serve some… questionable food options, students always wait in anticipation for fake Chipotle week at Sazón. For just a single meal swipe you can get a burrito bowl that rivals the overpriced one that you can purchase on M Street. But, this is a limited time offering, and after a glorious week, Hoyas are left feeling as dejected as Olivia.

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How dare fake Chipotle leave us Hoyas behind after a week of bliss!

Just like we always talked about, cause you were so excited for me to finally drive up to your …

Lau 2 Cubicle

The best floor in Lauinger Library, with prime accessibility to friends and coffee. But, honestly, I bet Josh would study on Lau 5, or worse, the haunted ~lower level~

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Does anyone actually study on Lau 2, though?

Overpriced Burleith Townhouse

Of course, Burleith (a.k.a. Georgetown Jr.) is brimming with Georgetown University seniors who are happy to finally be free of RAs and communal toilets. Getting hit with that “U up?” text at 1 a.m. from someone who lives in Burleith means either ignoring it or getting into an Uber Pool, neither of which are ideal options. No wonder Olivia would have been happy to finally get her driver’s license!

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Seniors laughing at underclassmen living in the dorms, but joke’s on them! Everyone’s too tired to leave the Hilltop to hang with them.

Friend of a Friend’s Sweaty Henle

The ~sweaty Henle~ is a Georgetown staple. So is getting a text to show up to a stranger’s apartment because one of your friends is there. Combined? Frequenting a friend of a friend’s sweaty Henle. You can bet that Josh would have been texting Olivia to “come thruuuu”!

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And you’re probably with that …

Hilltern

Hillterns are to Georgetown what the Kardashians are to television: everywhere and far too self-important for what their job entails. It just ~makes sense~ to lose your man to a Hilltern. They have everything a Georgetown student could ask for! Job security, political clout, an over-confident attitude — you name it, they’ve got it!

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Corp Barista

Being in one of the most exclusive clubs on Georgetown’s campus and getting paid to do it? Now even I’m insecure. One scribbled heart onto an iced latte and it’s over for you!

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Wisey’s Rat

Iconic. Sheer perfection embodied in one lifeform. If your man says he wouldn’t leave you for the Wisey’s Rat, then I hate to break it to you, but he ain’t your man.

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And I know we weren’t perfect, but I never felt this way for no one: Olivia really ~sees~ my relationship with the Hilltop. Keep on driving with your licenses, Hoyas!

Meet the 2020 Mr. Georgetown Candidates

There are three constants to a fall as a Georgetown student, even remotely: midterms, good friends, and the Georgetown Program Board’s annual Mr. Georgetown pageant.  Not even a global pandemic could deter this beloved tradition, with 12 of Georgetown’s most ~dashing~ Hoyas taking to the (Zoom!) stage to represent their organization, strut their stuff and entertain the masses.

While this year’s pageant may look different from years’ previous, taking place virtually over the course of three Friday nights, October 16th, 23rd, and 30th, the event’s history and purpose still shine through. Mr. Georgetown was founded in 2005 as a spirited celebration and a way to showcase the many talents and personalities of senior men on campus. It was also created as a way to critique the notion of gender in pageantry, as pageantry is typically considered as female events, by putting men in the position of being evaluated as representatives of Georgetown and their respective student organizations.

We at The Hoya are excited to introduce to you this year’s dazzling contestants representing the Class of 2021, but first, to ensure a positive Mr. Georgetown experience for all Hoyas, GPB has released a statement regarding Georgetown’s community values because while the event was created to challenge gender norms, GPB wants to encourage an conversation about the role of gender in the event.

“The mission of GPB is to create an atmosphere of community spirit at Georgetown, and to provide high-quality, low-cost entertainment for the entire undergraduate campus community. In alignment with this mission, we are committed to examining the role that gender has played in Mr. Georgetown in the past and would like to open a discussion with the community about ways to make our event more inclusive of all gender identities. To connect with us please email [email protected]

With that, meet the candidates for Mr. Georgetown 2020!

Christopher Le: Mr. AASA

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF CHRIS LE

Hometown: York, Pa.

School: COL

Major: mathematics

What do you love most about AASA?
I love the endless jokes we have, even though most are targeted at me. Love the fact that we can be truly ourselves and be goofy and no one judges anyone bc everyone else is just as goofy!

What is your go-to late night Epi order?
Chicken quesadilla, if you get anything else—wrong. Those slap after a long night.

If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be?
“Supalonely” by BENEE and Gus Dapperton. It describes my semester in two fold. The title makes sense because can’t see everyone so I’m lonely. And the second part is that it came from TikTok, which has helped me pass the time during the semester.

Samuel Nelson: Mr. The Hoya

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF SAM NELSON/THE HOYA

Hometown: Cocoa Beach, Fla.

School: MSB 

Major: operations & information management and marketing 

What do you love most about The Hoya?
Working with such creative and passionate people 

What is your go-to late night Epi order? 
What I would give for one last late-night Epi! My go-to order was a grilled cheese on ciabatta, add sliced tomato and pesto mayo. Soooo satisfying and a full $3 cheaper than the quesadilla. 

What is your favorite spot on campus? 
My favorite spot are the window seats on Lau 4. I love gazing at the fall leaves and beautiful pastel townhouses all while disassociating on a Hi-Chew/Red Eye-induced high. Doesn’t quite feel the same at home…

Onrei Josh Ladao: Mr. Club Filipino

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF ONREI JOSH LADAO

Hometown: San Diego, Calif.

School: COL

Majors: art and sociology

What do you love most about Club Filipino?
What I love most about my club is how welcoming the atmosphere is. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from — CF will always be your home away from home.

What is your go-to late night Epi order?
ALWAYS Epi quesadillas. The quesadillas just ~ * hit different * ~ at 1 a.m.

What is your favorite spot on campus?
My favorite spots on campus are the GSP and CMEA offices. I always take a nap in the office. 

Eli Lefcowitz: Mr. Pep Band

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF ELI LEFCOWITZ

Hometown: Port Washington, N.Y.

School: COL

Major: government

What do you love most about Pep Band?
The Pep Band is full of the most hilarious, supportive people I know at Georgetown — they can cheer you up even when the Hoyas lose by 40 (trust me, it’s happened). Oh, and the unlimited free Domino’s pizza is pretty nice too.

Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus?
It would have to be Leo J. O’Donovan. I am a big fan of his chicken tenders.

What is your go-to late night Epi order? 
I used to just order a cup of sour cream, but one day the sandwich man said that would no longer be allowed. Since then, I’ve just ordered a chicken quesadilla, hold the tortilla, chicken, cheese  and salsa. Yum.

Felipe Lobo Koerich: Mr. SFS Academic Council

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF FELIPE LOBO KOERICH

Hometown: It’s complicated…technically, all of the ones listed: Campinas, Brazil; Jundiaí, Brazil; Amsterdam, the Netherlands; Houston, Texas; New Orleans, La.

School: SFS

Major: international politics

What do you love most about SFS Academic Council?
The passion everyone brings. It’s a small group of highly committed individuals that genuinely want to make Georgetown and the SFS better for their peers. It’s incredibly inspiring, especially when our advocacy translates into actually meaningful changes.

Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus?
Jan Karski, who served as a resistance fighter and diplomat during World War II and risked his life on multiple occasions to learn about what the Nazi government was doing in Poland and tell the United States about the Holocaust. To me, he exemplifies many Georgetown and SFS values. He’s a deeply inspiring, although far too unknown, hero.

What is your favorite spot on campus?
I have so many memories of places on campus that it was hard to pick, but I have to go with the red armchairs right next to the elevator on top floor of Lau. I spent many hours my sophomore and junior years studying and finishing assignments there, with a beautiful view of Healy and Copley Lawn and those two buildings, which was especially nice during sunset and during the fall. It makes me really miss the more mundane, everyday moments and experiences from back when we were all on campus.

Andrew Molinari: Mr. GU Pride

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF ANDREW MOLINARI

Hometown: Rochester, N.Y.

School: COL

Major: economics and performing arts

What do you love most about your club?
I think GU Pride holds many places in many different people’s hearts. We’re here to celebrate your identity and build community. We’re here to advocate for you and comfort you in times of need. We’re also here to dance with you when you need a night out with some Donna Summer. Pride is everything to me; it’s what I live by.

Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus?
Easily Bradley Cooper. Did you know he was interested in a career in diplomacy, but then went and became a famous actor instead? That’s the kind of Georgetown success story I like to see.

If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be?
“Party For One” by Carly Rae Jepsen. Need I say more?

Hunter Congdon: Mr. GREEN

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF HUNTER CONGDON

Hometown: New Haven, Conn.

School: SFS

Major: international politics

What do you love most about your club?
What I love most about GREEN is the vibrancy and enthusiasm of our community. We may come from all different parts of campus but we all care a lot about the environment and are eager about taking action, but we also know how to have fun.

What is your favorite spot on campus?
The lower level of Lau. There’s never anyone there so it’s a great place to go to hammer out that 10-page paper that’s due in two hours, and there’s all these microfilms and government documents, which feels like such a retro throwback but is also cool and interesting at the same time.

What is your go-to late night Epi order?
The vanilla milkshake or the hot chocolate.

Tim Adami: Mr. The Voice

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF TIM ADAMI

Hometown: Morris Plains, N.J.

School: SFS

Major: international politics

What do you love most about your club? 
Nothing beats production night with the rest of the board. Staying awake till 4 a.m. never gets old with the rest of the design staff and board members. I made some of my favorite memories during those late nights.

If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be?
“SOS” by Miss Rihanna…

What is your favorite spot on campus?
My favorite spot on campus to have a solitary cry was within Lau 5’s labyrinth of bookshelves. Suppose I wanted to have a more public breakdown, though…in that case, I’d go to the Leavey Esplanade to make the med/grad students feel uncomfortable during their breaks.

Nicolo Ferretti: Mr. GUSA

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF NICOLO FERRETTI

Hometown: New York

School: SFS

Major: STIA

What do you love most about your club?
The People 

Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus?
My favorite Georgetown alumnus is definitely Tony [Anthony] Coscia cause I like trains. I also saw him speak the other day. Seemed cool.

What is your go-to late night Epi order?
You gotta get a grilled cheese sandwich with mozzarella as the cheese and Italian (or rye) bread. You 100% gotta add tomatoes. If you’re there, you add peperoncini. Pesto sauce. And if you’re a real winner, you get guac on the side, not as a topping, but an actual side dish.

Kyle Dudzinski: Mr. Club Lacrosse

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF KYLE DUDZINSKI

Hometown: Port Murray, N.J.

School: SFS

Major: international politics — security studies

What do you love most about your club?
I think the club lacrosse team has the perfect balance of being competitive while still having fun. It’s great to go compete against other schools with your friends without taking yourself too seriously.

Who is your favorite Georgetown alumnus?
John Mulaney, no doubt. His Netflix specials have gotten me through so many midterms and finals seasons!

What is your favorite spot on campus?
Definitely Dahlgren. It is serene, picturesque and quite literally the heart of our campus. Of all things Georgetown, I think I miss this place the most.

JP Nguyen: Mr. GERMS

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF JP NGUYEN

Hometown: Houston, Texas

School: COL

Major: biology

What do you love most about your club?
I love the long weekend nights when we stay up and watch movies before the calls start to pick up. We might be up together until 5 a.m. some nights, but the people we get to meet make it enjoyable. :)

If you had to choose a song to describe your semester, what would it be?
“Stay Away” by Carly Rae Jepsen, the Queen of Social Distancing

What is your favorite spot on campus?
The ICC bathrooms <3 because that’s where I cry on the toilet before Spanish class.

Casey Wetherbee: Mr. IRC

COURTESY HANNAH LAIBINIS ON BEHALF OF CASEY WETHERBEE

Hometown: Ithaca, N.Y.

School: SFS

Major: international political economy

What do you love most about your club?
What I love most about the IRC is how it welcomed me during my freshman year into a diverse and inclusive family that has supported me across the board, and that I’ve had a lot of opportunities to mentor younger Hoyas interested in international affairs since then!

What is your go-to late night Epi order?
The onion rings from Epi slap, but honestly their veggie wrap is super slept on, and hits different at 3 a.m.

What is your favorite spot on campus?
My favorite spot on campus is the Healey Family Student Center because it enables my caffeine and procrastination habits and it’s really pretty. I’ve also cried and sang in the piano rooms too many times to mention, which I’m grateful for.

We hope to see you all this Friday, October 23, on Zoom, for the second round of competition!

Things Georgetown Students Spend More on Than a Certain President Spends on Income Taxes

Hoyas everywhere know the struggle of tuition, Flex dollars, Canada Geese (Gooses? Goslings?). Living in Washington, D.C., is costly and drains students’ wallets.

Me, begging my work-study job for extra hours.

In honor of the release of a ~certain someone’s~ tax returns, here’s a shocking list of some items some Hoyas spend over $750 on over the course of a semester, or about 16 weeks.

Wisey’s Chicken Madness (or Hot Chick if you’re feeling ~spicy~)

Certified Wisey’s Fan // Seven days a week // Delicious @%$ sandwich make all Hoyas weak.

A gal can’t survive on Olive Branch grain bowls for every meal! At $8.95, a Chicken Madness from Wisey’s is a staple food in the Georgetown neighborhood (especially if you live in LXR). If you eat one Chicken Madness a day, your soul may thank you, but your wallet definitely won’t.

$8.95 x 16 weeks at Georgetown x 7 days a week = $1,002.40

Cover Charges for a Night Out

College for students 21 and up isn’t complete without some wild nights, right?

Heading out to the bars and hitting the clubs on the weekends come at a cost. With the average cover charge around $30 and many students going out both Friday and Saturday, 21+ Hoyas are looking at nearly $1,000 in costs.

$30 x 16 weeks at Georgetown x 2 nights a week = $960

A Double Room in Darnall

This one may be both self-explanatory and the most shocking. A dorm room in one of the worst dorms in America is expensive af! While Darnall residents (current and former) think of their time in the Dirty D fondly (Author’s note: I was a Darnall resident 2018-2019! <3), it has garnered a certain reputation among students.

For the cost of the room, which you share with a roommate, you’re paying more than four times the cost of some D.C. residents’ income taxes!

$4,398

Canada Goose

A closet staple of the ~chilliest~ Hoyas! Who can forget about this overpriced parka?

Women’s parkas range in cost from $795 to $1,595. Imagine how many properties you could own (or Chicken Madness sandwiches you could buy) with that money!

Let’s call it an even $1,000

Yerba Mate

What late night Lau study session is complete without a few cans of the ~Yerbz~ (Author’s note: It’ll catch on, just wait)?

Hoyas can’t get enough of this caffeine-infused tea, and so, at about four cans per day for the ~most avid~ Yerba fans, and about $2 per can if bought in bulk, students are spending to get their fix.

4 cans per day x 7 days per week x 16 weeks x $2 dollars per can = $896

Bribery Paid to the Admissions Staff

$500,000

Keep on ~boosting the economy~ Hoyas!

A Sneak Peek Into Your Semester Online

Due to the ongoing public health crisis, Georgetown has decided the majority of students will remain home for the fall 2020 semester. Hoyas received a taste of online learning during the spring of 2020, but this fall, admin has spared no expense to offer a semester with even more precision and in-depth planning than the last.

Photorealistic representation of McKinsey consultants unraveling and editing DeGioia’s reopening plan.

While this won’t be the semester anyone had envisioned, we may as well prepare for what lies ahead. The 4E is here to offer you a ~sneak preview~ of your online fall semester!

John DeGioia, do your worst.

Classes:

With full course loads and asynchronous lectures, Hoyas everywhere can expect ~The Grind~ to never stop!

Chad from Apple Pie Delta gets frustrated during his OPIM lecture.

The Grind, of course, comes with its own challenges. Living at home means parents and younger siblings interrupting lectures and valuable study time. Staring at your online class crush covertly (or even enlarging their picture in Zoom) is enough of a distraction!

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There’s no place like Lau 4! There’s no place like Lau 4! There’s no place like Lau 4!

There are some bright sides to online classes, though. Over Zoom, Hoyas can live out their reality television star dreams by sitting in their very own confessional square! Use the background of your favorite Confessional Booth™, and, suddenly, you too are a Kardashian!

Me trying to get through a 9 a.m. economics lecture.

Hoyas can also take advantage of the small screen to show off their quarantine fits. Of course, stunting in Lau is a Georgetown tradition, so you can bet some students will be angling their cameras juuust right to show off a glimpse of that Gucci belt!

Sweatpants and slippers are also a ~stellar~ option.

Parties:

While the Vil A rooftop won’t be baptized with the annual syllabus week parties to kick off the semester, online classes can’t stop Hoyas from turning up! Zoom parties will be just like regular ones, only much less sweaty. And you’ll have complete control over the aux (and a mute button)!

The “Devil’s Advocate” from your political theory class acting like a young Ben Shapiro after drinking two White Claws again? Mute him!

These Zoom parties will have an unlimited capacity for fun guests, so no need for a pledge asking freshmen at the door, “Who do you know here?” Just don’t be surprised when your friends 8+ timezones away from you ~darty~ while you ~party~!

Class of 2024 crashing seniors’ exclusive Zoom parties.

To top it all off, Natty Light will also no longer be the only alcoholic option for (21+) Hoyas to enjoy! Nothing says “lit” like the unopened red wine your mom got as a gift in 2016!

Clubs:

While parties can easily be transitioned online, Georgetown’s Club Culture™ is harder to recreate over the internet.

How can the Hoyas get rejected from The Corp if there’s no coffee to serve in the first place?

Some of Georgetown’s most ~exclusive~ clubs will have to transition online for recruitment, initiation and everything in between! This may serve as a huge advantage for the business crowd: No more running across campus in suits only to be rejected by the consulting club of your choice! For other clubs, it may not be as simple, resulting in a few hiatuses.

An exclusive look into GU Eating Society’s next gathering.

Reminder: The Hoya is always looking for new talent ;)

Work-Study and Internships:

Many students lost their on-campus jobs in the spring, including students working at Lauinger Library and Yates and as student guards. To compensate for this sudden unemployment, Georgetown is offering a number of online work-study positions.

Georgetown isn’t known for its IT positions (I’m looking at you, always empty UIS Service Desk on the third floor of Lau), but in this unprecedented time, innovation in student work is necessary. The 4E personally brainstormed ideas for online jobs for Hoyas:

  1. Zoom Bombing Student Guard
  2. Exam Proctor (see: Narc)
  3. OnlyFans Content Creator
  4. Author Of a Book Written in Quarantine Set To Be Published In April 2021
  5. “Tennis Coach”

We also can’t forget those students experiencing remote internships! Let’s hear it for our remote Hillterns™!

“The West Wing” but make it ~virtual~

Traditions:

Hoyas already missed out on Georgetown Day 2020, so we deserve a fun homecoming at the very least. Even though there will be no football, we all know that, at Georgetown, homecoming is never about the football anyway.

“Homecoming” can take on a new and more literal meaning in this quarantine. Hoyas could flood campus for a weekend in September (while social distancing, of course) to bring us together for the first time since March and keep the Georgetown spirit alive!

Hoya Saxa!

Students turning 21 will also have to adapt the Tombs Night tradition to an online platform. When The Tombs finally reopens, you can bet most of the bar’s patrons will be stamping their foreheads to make up for their missed birthdays. But for now, a postal stamp and a speech on Zoom will have to do.

A cake also couldn’t hurt. Or, if you’re anything like me, try a piñata!

Spring:

While the future opening status of Georgetown is unknown, we can all do our part to stay safe now to be together as a family in the future.

Where’s your mask, Andy Samberg?

For now, live your Georgetown career without regret! DM that cutie in your theology class on Canvas! Take “International Finance” pass/fail! Email your TA to round up your grade! Catfish your professor by using a hot person’s photo as your Zoom avatar!

From all of us at the 4E, stay healthy Hoyas! We hope to see you on campus soon!

An Insider Look Into Georgetown’s Fall Planning

While undergraduate Hoyas are anxiously awaiting official word from Georgetown University as to its fall opening status, we at the 4E decided to take matters into our own hands. Using our expert team of ~blogging hackers~, we’ve uncovered a preliminary draft of John DeGioia’s plans if we are to return to campus!

Georgetown, while not alerting students of these plans, has clearly laid out its needs and innovations for the fall in a concise list in almost perfect formatting for our beloved blog!

Extra Housing

To accommodate both the new social distancing standards and the increase in Hoyas who need housing because of the cancellation of fall study abroad, Georgetown has decided to expand the options for housing. Because of the limited infrastructure in the neighborhood, Georgetown has made the tough call to house a portion of its undergraduate population in the Construction Pit outside of Darnall.

Not only is the Pit in the prime location for NHS students, research assistants and Chick-fil-A lovers alike, it also provides great ventilation, potentially decreasing the spread of COVID-19 among the undergraduates housed there.

Ambulatory and construction noises may be a nuisance, but you can’t beat the views!

Ensuring Safe Socialization

Georgetown recognizes the importance of social contact, especially during times of distress. However, because of constraints on socialization by the city, the university decided on an ingenious solution to ensure students are able to safely get their socializing fix at a low cost. Rather than risking students’ health with human roommates, Georgetown will provide each Hoya with their very own Rat Roommate (patent-pending).

Wisey’s Rat gets upgraded to a Copley Suite.

Not only is Georgetown taking advantage of the local fauna, but they are also providing students with a welcome distraction friend! By rooming with a Rat, Hoyas will also be exposed to invaluable plague antibodies which may boost immune systems! It’s a win-win!

Specified Isolation and Triage Sites

By D.C. standards, Georgetown needs a clear plan on where it will house people needing to be in isolation. To make the most use of current infrastructure, the administration decided to use the Vil A Rooftop as extra isolation housing.

The rooftop is used to seeing Sick Hoyas, usually just from dartying a bit ~too~ hard though, not from disease. So pack up those half-empty Nattys, and move in the hospital equipment!

Live footage of an Isolated Hoya when ”Mr. Brightside” plays over the hospital intercom.

Converting Classroom Spaces

To ensure social distancing is practiced properly, it is essential for Georgetown to reimagine what a typical classroom looks like. To account for lack of size, the university realized it must utilize all the available spaces, including the Secret Tunnels.

By reopening the tunnels, Hoyas may be risking mold poisoning, but the risk is about the same as living in Darnall or VCW. Get that PPE ready!

Expanding Campus Beyond the Gates

Georgetown has decided that, to ensure students can return to campus safely, not all students may return to campus immediately. By utilizing hotels, Hoyas can safely live in D.C. while still potentially commuting to campus. However, what the administration has failed to inform students is this precaution is not taken out of public health concern.

Students may be housed in hotels because of DeGioia’s personal fondness for the hit Disney Channel Original Show “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” (2005-2008). Mr. DeGioia, in an attempt to live as his favorite character, Marion Moseby, will control his students’ living situations just as everyone’s favorite hotel manager commands the Tipton hotel!

No running in Mr. DeGioia’s lobby!

While no one is particularly sure of what the future holds for us Hoyas, we at the 4E hope everyone is safe and healthy, and we are excited for all of us at Georgetown to be a family once more!

Valentine’s Day: Valentine Alternatives

Attention all single Hoyas! Looking for love this Valentine’s Day? Well, look no further than this list of perfect options to be your next Valentine!

The Student Guard Who Doesn’t Make You Swipe

They see your hands are completely full: Olive Branch Grain Bowl in your left, your “International Finance” textbook in your right. You make eye contact, and they give you a nod to pass through. Sparks fly.

Your RA Who Only Gave You a ~Warning~

You were blasting “Gotta Go My Own Way,” as performed by Vanessa Hudgens in “High School Musical 2,” clearly going through it. While your RA was doing their rounds on the floor, they were startled by the volume (but appreciated the bop, of course). A soft knock at the door alerts you: You are going to be in so much trouble. Sensing your struggles, they let you off with a warning: “Turn the music down.” How compassionate!

The Midnight MUG Worker Who Drew a ’Lil Heart on Your Iced “Beloved

Could there be a clearer choice for a Valentine? They clearly are interested (and not just trying to get a tip)! You proudly showcase the heart at your crowded table on Lau 2, only to see Becky from WRIT-015’s coffee has the exact same symbol. Let the battle commence.

The SFS Kid in Your Philosophy Discussion Who Always Plays “Devil’s Advocate

. . .Maybe he just needs someone to advocate for him <3

The Guy Who Left You On Read Two Months Ago

Valentine’s Day shouldn’t just be about forming new connections, but it should be about ~reviving~ old ones. Give him a second chance to prove you wrong! Slide up on his Snapchat story with his new girlfriend with Justin Bieber lyrics, post that selfie to your Instagram and check maniacally whether he saw it or not, or even show up at his dorm (it worked in “Love Actually”)!

An Elkay LZS8WSLK EZH2O Bottle Filling Station With Single ADA Cooler, Filtered, 8 GPH

Are you an environmentalist? Are you a Yates bro? Are you both? Well, lucky for you, the Elkay LZS8WSLK EZH2O Bottle Filling Station with Single ADA Cooler, Filtered, 8 GPH is single and ready to mingle. Although sedentary, it ~mingles~ with everyone, so don’t expect to be Elkay’s only Valentine!

Todd A. Olson

They don’t call him vice president of student ~affairs~ for nothing ;)

Leo’s Workers Who Call You “Sugar” or “Baby

Nothing is more pure than the interactions with our service workers! Treat them with respect every day, not just if they’re your prospective Valentine! But, a little chocolate and a teddy bear couldn’t hurt.

Me!

My favorite flowers are lilies, my favorite type of chocolate is dark and my favorite metal is silver ;)

Meet the 4E’s Spring 2020 Hires!

Earlier in this semester, we at The Fourth Edition welcomed three new fantastically ~quirky~ sophomores to our staff: Jessica Alexander, Melanie Boychuk and Katie Watke!

As the year progresses, we hope you get to know them through their incredible work, but for now, here is each new hire’s “Top 5” list!

Jessica Alexander (COL ’22)

Top-Five Bagels (Dedicated to Einstein’s Lovers and New Jerseyans alike): 

  1. Everything 
  2. Pumpernickel 
  3. Cinnamon Sugar
  4. Sesame Seed
  5. Plain

Melanie Boychuk (COL ’22)

Top-Five Most Pretentious Grocery Stores 

  1. Whole Foods: Whole Foods takes the (organic, gluten-free, $30) cake for most pretentious grocery store. Under the guise of “all natural, non-GMO” products, Whole Foods is ironically a serious detriment to shoppers’ health when they immediately have a stroke upon seeing their receipt total.
  2. Trader Joe’s: Trader Joes is not simply a grocery store; it’s an entirely different universe. In what other world can you buy wine for $4 while hipsters in Hawaiian shirts ringing you up tell you what you’re buying is “totally one of their favorites?” However, out of respect for their low prices, they get to be No. 2 on this list. 
  3. Wegmans: Wegmans is well known for having relatively cheap products for good-quality food. However, its weirdly strong following places it in the middle of this list — ask anyone in Jersey and they’ll tell you they would sell their soul to keep shopping at Wegmans. 
  4. The Fresh Market: The Fresh Market is trying to reinvent grocery stores by focusing on fresh food. Anytime a business uses the word “reinvent,” you can be sure there’s some sort of gentrification going on there. 
  5. Safeway: Posing as a regular grocery store among the likes of ShopRite or Stop & Shop, Safeway fools its shoppers with its almost too ordinary appearance. However, Safeway’s jacked-up prices are most definitely not ordinary — and puts it at No. 5 on this list. 

Katie Watke (COL ’22)

Top-Five Best (and I mean the absolute very best) Chinese Foods To Order and Crave on a Daily Basis:

  1. Bao Bun (preferably of the pork variety) 
  2. Shrimp (specifically) Soup Dumplings 
  3. All Other Types of Soup Dumplings 
  4. Egg and Tomato Soup (for those days when you’ve eaten one too many bao buns)
  5. Peking Duck (would be number one if — and only if — the delectable dish weren’t so inaccessible!  The only Peking Duck anyone should ever eat exists only in Beijing, so until teleportation becomes a modern mode of transportation, I must sadly place this beloved dish at No. 5)

Play Better Music at Georgetown Parties

I have a problem. For the past 519 days I have spent as a student at Georgetown University, I have come to learn that frat boys have terrible the worst taste in music. Does EDM really stand for Electronic Dance Music? More like Everyone Doesn’t Mwant to listen to this.

To assist these boys in finding the perfect party playlist, we at the 4E have curated this list of — semi-underrated — bops!

~real gif of a freshman trying to navigate the dance floor~

Sk8er Boi” by Avril Lavigne

Criminally underrated, Avril Lavigne gets no love from the Georgetown Fraternities ™. If you play this, I assure you your party will be a success!

DONTTRUSTME” by 3OH!3

“The Fourth Edition” vibing to this bop

What happened to “DONTTRUSTME”? I want to hear this jam at every party! #BRING3OH!3BACK

Any song from the “Mamma Mia” soundtrack

“Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)”? Bop.

“Does Your Mother Know”? Bop.

The ALMIGHTY “Dancing Queen”? Bop.

You literally can not go wrong.

“What Dreams Are Made Of” from “The Lizzie McGuire Movie

Any kid of the late ’90s or early 2000s KNOWS “What Dreams Are Made Of” is THAT song. If you can’t get down to it, you’re lying to yourself. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

“I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys

One word: iconic.

“Breaking Free” from “High School Musical

I heard this song at one (1) party, and everybody went ballistic. I just want to pretend that I’m Gabriella Montez! Is that too much to ask?

“Potential Breakup Song” by Aly & AJ

This absolute bop is the perfect soundtrack to a dance floor breakup. Let the drama ensue!

“Y.M.C.A.” by Village People

Who doesn’t want to see a group of drunken freshmen do the YCMA? Or is it the YCAM? You get the point!

“Mr. Brightside” by The Killers

They don’t play it enough. I just need a party of exclusively “Mr. Brightside” on repeat.

Honorable Mentions: “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood, “Fergalicious” by Fergie,“Crazy In Love” by Beyoncé feat. Jay-Z, and Pitbull’s entire discography