An Open Letter of Baby Names for Mr. John Mulaney (CAS ’04)

Dear Mr. Mulaney,

It has come to the attention of the Editorial Board of The Fourth Edition of The Hoya (membership count: 3) that you and Ms. Olivia Munn are to bear a child and raise it in this world.

Per the contract you signed so many years ago, as a young and bright first-year at our shared Georgetown University, we have compiled a list of child names from which you are to choose. 

We take great pleasure that you have contacted us and wish to uphold the bond of the contract, for a great many alumni before you have, as the colloquialism goes, “tossed us to the wind.” 

With no more delay, please take your time to peruse the below fifteen names we have collected for the birthright of your child, five of which we have selected as the best and for which we have provided a few brief lines of justification.

Best wishes to you and your young family,

Signed this last Thursday of September, Two Thousand and Twenty-one,

The Editorial Board of The Fourth Edition

Nota bene: all names are to be considered gender neutral

SECTION I: Ten Honorable, but Less Desirable Names

  1. Ryan 
  2. Bryan
  3. Jak
  4. Marc
  5. Claribelle
  6. Annabella-Marianna
  7. Marianna-Annabella
  8. Suz
  9. Tenderfoot
  10. Billy

SECTION II: The Five Great Names

5. John

We have selected John as the fifth place name for your consideration. First, it is simple, classic, and elegant. There are contained within it a plethora of nicknames for your child, such as Johnny, Johnnie, Jack, Jackie, Jacky, Johnson, Johnsonny, and Elf. Second, it is your name, and if your child (regardless of gender) bears such a name, it will solidify your legacy and bloodline, eliminating the chance that a pretender arises.

4. Olivia

Olivia is our fourth place name because it is your partner’s name. In the fifth century Annals of the Blog, it was tradition that all those who were bound to The Fourth Edition would bear the name of the mother. We also believe in the strength of the nicknames: Liv, Livy, Olive, Olivy, and GrubHub. This is a strong name, and your child would be proud to wear it.

3. Beowulf

A proud name of a strong and ancient king. We are aware that you read English under the tutelage of our alma mater, and we have presumed that you would appreciate the inclusion of such a persona as the king of the Geats. Your child would have to live up to the destiny of the great lord, but what is such a challenge to a Mulaney, if not butterscotch?

2. Bloggert

Bloggert, Blogbert, Blogginton, Blogson–it is poor form to suggest ourselves as the future name of your child, but we believe that we deserve it. We have taken the time to compile such a list, so why not honor our efforts? 

INTERLUDE: Honorable Mentions from Your Opus

  1. George St.Geegland
  2. J.J. Bittenbinder
  3. Mr. Finch (The Duck Guy)
  4. Bill Clinton
  5. The Guy Who Gave You A Prostate Exam
  6. “Proud Asian American Woman”

Finally…

1. Petunia

Was this not the name of a child you had in the past?

Post-script

Mr. Mulaney, we hope you have enjoyed this list and that we have caused no offense with our suggestions. We have meant well and do genuinely wish you and Ms. Munn a safe pregnancy process and wonderful, wonderful life.

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