It’s February. You’ve already broken your New Year’s resolutions, midterm season (aka the rest of the semester) is starting, and mother nature’s tease of 60 degree weather has ended. But most importantly, the most commercialized holiday of the year is coming up right around the corner: Valentine’s Day.
Of course, given that you’re reading the 4E blog, you’re probably a steady single just like me. But have no fear because I’ve got nine of the best Valentine’s Day plans for all you
lonely, miserable, desperate solo people:
1. Stalk all your exes on social media to see if they’re as alone as you- Nothing makes me feel as satisfied as knowing my exes are failing in the world of love just as much as I am. Warning: it’s possible that your ex is actually doing great and has super fun plans coming up. If this is the case, might I refer you to #3 on this list.
2. Go to Lau 2 around 9 p.m. for The Annual Unofficial Singles Meet Up- Clearly whoever is on Lau 2 at 9 p.m. on V-day is not in a relationship. It’s the perfect opportunity to see who’s on the market. Will you slip a note to the cubicle next to you? Will you escort a lucky Hoya to late night Leo’s? Will you treat that cute guy or girl across the room to free printing? Don’t miss this chance to find cold, hard love in the most romantic place on campus!
3a. Listen to the “Sad Songs” playlist on Spotify- featuring songs with titles like “Secretly Hope You Catch Me Looking,” “You’re Gonna Break My Heart Tonight,” and “I’ll Never Love Again.” It’s actually pretty good. I’m listening to it as I write this article so I can really get in touch with my singleness.
3b. Listen to “Ridin’ Solo” by Jason Derulo on repeat for the whole day- Or maybe your whole life? I’m advocating for a Jason Derulo comeback.
4. Just have a nice, normal Thursday- Ignore my overdramatic suggestions and carry on because you accept or even enjoy(?!) your single status, which is very healthy and I applaud you.
5. Sit on John Carroll’s lap- Unlike your past significant others, he can’t run away from you. Don’t waste your time on real people with real emotions and complicated lives. Snuggle up and show our founder some love. Bronze > human flesh.
6. Make out with an Epi quesadilla- Everyone is sick right now, and germs are gross. But a quesadilla won’t spread illnesses! Unless you’re lactose intolerant, in which case I know you’re still gonna eat it. The only warm, gooey substance we need on this day is that melted, greasy cheese. Protect your immune system. Go to Epi.
7. Study for your midterms- Did all your professors schedule their midterms for this week? Mine sure did. It’s almost like they knew that there was no chance I’d have plans anyway. But fortunately, this also gives you a perfect excuse: when all your happy friends in relationships ask you why you don’t have any exciting plans on Thursday, you can just say it’s because you have to study! Thanks, professors!
8. Swipe vigorously on Tinder until your fingers become numb and then go watch one of those super predictable Netflix originals that each went viral for like two weeks– i.e. The Kissing Booth, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, and is it too late to still suggest A Christmas Prince? Or, might I recommend the Big Mouth Valentine’s Day special episode. 10/10.
^^^Team Peter Kavinksy or Team Andrew Glouberman?? If you don’t understand this, go to Netflix and get with it.
9. Treat yo’ self- Go buy yourself flowers. Go get yourself a gift. Go make a whole box of microwaveable mac and cheese and those little Pillsbury picture sugar cookies and don’t leave any leftovers. This holiday is about love, and I don’t know about you, but the person I love most in this world (besides my mom) is myself.
But still, if anyone (@my crush, please notice me) wants to take me on a V-day date, I’d obviously never turn down free food and affection.
I wish you all the best of luck this Valentine’s Day, and if you happen to be reading this article even though you are in a relationship, let me just ask you now to please limit your PDA to nothing more than mildly intense eye contact. Thank you.
Anyway, don’t forget to celebrate the superior February holiday on the 15th that is “Half-Priced Unsold V-Day Chocolate Day.” See you all at CVS! In the wise words of Kim K,
sources: giphy.com, spotify.com